Review of the New and Improved Jolt Cola
The original Jolt Cola was released in 1985. The grandfather of energy drinks, Jolt’s motto was “All the Flavor and Twice the Caffeine.” The caffeine content of Jolt was equivalent to drinking several cans of Mountain Dew, which had the highest caffeine content of any soda at that time.
Now, 20 years later, Jolt Energy has re-released Jolt Cola with a new logo, and resealable, 695ml, battery-shaped cans, and several new flavors. As a public service, I have sampled each flavor, and here are my findings:
Jolt Cola
The original. Ick. I never liked the original Jolt, but then again, you don’t drink Jolt because it tasts good. You drink it because the mail server is *down* and I don’t care if it is 3AM, By God, if you don’t get that thing fixed by the time the boss gets to the office to check her daily milflist, you might just as well jump in the car, head to Canada, and never look back…
Appearance: Standard color – dark-brown cola crossed with coffee.
Aroma: Earthy Bittersweet Cola mixed with Hydrochloric Acid and Wookie Scrotum.
Taste: Flat, stale Pepsi, only more bitter, and more sweet, and still more bitter.
Effect: The ghastly taste has more effect on your state of awareness than the caffeine and sugar combined.
Overall Evaluation: Ick. With other flavors to choose from, the only use for this I can imagine is stripping paint. Do not take on an empty stomach.
Jolt Cherry Bomb
Now we’re talking. I’ve always loved Jolt Cherry Bomb, and the fact that it is difficult to find only makes it more attractive.
Appearance: Color was standard cherry cola; no surprises.
Aroma: Unmistakable cherry cola and a hint of tangy, wet leather.
Taste: Thankfully, the taste has not changed – Sweet cherry and slightly bitter cola with a surprisingly smooth finish.
Effect: Similar to the effect of eating a kilo of chocolate and a kilo of raw Sumatra coffee beans. Decreases reaction time to a negative number, meaning the body can react slightly before stimulus occurs. Increases eye-hand coordination along with speed; making it possible to thread a sewing machine while it is still running.
Overall Evaluation: OMFG. Without question, the best cherry cola ever made. Do not exceed .733 of one can in a 24-hour period, or Spontaneous Human Combustion can occur.
Jolt Red
Be careful, this can is very similar to the regular Jolt Cola but significantly different in both taste and effects.
Appearance: Unnaturally bright red. Actually glows in the dark. Glow increases when shaken. (Warning: DO NOT SHAKE!)
Aroma: Pungent floral and tropical fruit with a splash of turpentine.
Taste: So impossibly sweet that the taste of smoked salmon, guava and an entire acre of condensed pseudo-fruit is nearly imperceptible.
Effect: Limited superhuman abilities, possibly including the ability to fly (I was not able to test this.)
Overall Evaluation: Dangerous, possibly flammable. Do not smoke while drinking this product. Attracts killer bees. Do NOT sell to third world countries or terrorists. Does not cause stains; instead, it actually disintegrates most common elements.
Jolt Blue
Surprise! I had low expectations from a beverage I thought might actually stain my tongue permanently blue, but was overjoyed when I tasted it. I was not so overjoyed when it foamed all over the place when the can was opened.
Appearance: Liquefied Smurf.
Aroma: Extremely strong odor of Grey Latex Paint and Cilantro massively overpowered by Dark Fruity Citrus and Raspberries.
Taste: Highly-carbonated Blue Raspberry Snow Cone, mixed with Ammonia and Tang.
Effect: Hysteria, Dementia, Visual and Auditory Hallucinations, Blackouts, Memory Loss.
Overall Evaluation: Excellent cohesion, bonds in seconds. Stains everything it comes in contact with bright blue, but cleans up easily with Liquid Nitrogen. May attack some plastics. Mixes well with tequila – best results were achieved when mixed one part Jolt Blue to 6×10^3 parts Cuervo 1600. Seems to negate the effects of Jolt Red, resulting in a warm sparkling water when mixed together.
Jolt Ultra
This sugar/carb free alternative was another unexpected pleasure, and a fine addition to the Jolt family. Contains Splenda sweetener.
Appearance: New, Bright-Green Radiator Fluid mixed with Old, Bright-Green Alien Urine.
Aroma: Weak Citrus Fruit with a hint of overripe bananas and seawater.
Taste: Radiator Fluid and Uranium 238, but mostly watered down Mountain Dew.
Effect: Heightened sensory awareness, body temperature raised enough to melt snow within one meter; making this a poor choice for those attempting winter sports. Causes all bodily fluids to glow in the dark.
Overall Evaluation: I always wondered what they did with the used coolant from nuclear reactors. Slightly less flavor than the rest of the Jolt family, but with no carbs, this is still a great alternative to Crystal Meth. Half life of 4.5 billion years. Contact the EPA for disposal of containers.
Jolt Cola Nutrition Info
From the website (like you care):
Jolt Cola:
Serving Size: 8 fl. oz.
Amount Per Serving
- Calories 100
- % Daily Value*
- Total Fat 0 g 0%
- Sodium 10 mg 1%
- Potassium 0 mg 0%
- Total Carbohydrate 27 g 9%
- Sugars 27 g
- Protein 0 g 0%
- Vitamin C 0%
Not a significant source of other nutrients.
*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.
Blog on,
-CZ
