MNSpec Critique of ‘Pinky, The Invisible Flying Pony Who Saves The World’
Today the MNSpec writer’s group gave me feedback on my story ‘Pinky, The Invisible Flying Pony Who Saves The World.’
Overall, people appreciated it for the mindless bit of fluff that it is – a dark parody, mashing Lovecraftian Evil with a children’s story. But there were several useful points drawn to my attention which could be used to improve the story:
Conrad, your- punctuation? Sucks.
I was aware of this already but it never hurts to be reminded. Actually it does kind of hurt but it’s the good kind of hurt – the kind easily remedied if someone would only read a gorram book on punctuation. Or hire a quality proofreader. Or even a budget proofreader.
How old are Payton and her peers?
The story mentions that the main character, Payton enjoys Spongebob Squarepants and ‘…running through the sprinkler on sunny days…’ which would make one think she was just a little kid. But Payton does have some unsupervised internet activity, and some language which would make one think she’s slightly older.
Guess I never really thought about how old Payton is, because it isn’t important to the story. She’s a kid. She likes cartoons. She rides the bus to school. But the consensus of MNSpec was that a more specific age is important to some readers because it allows them to paint her picture more vividly in their minds. I’ll specify which grade Payton and her friends are in, which will give readers a more accurate fix on the character’s ages.
Evisceration (part I) – Gaa!
I kind of figured the word ‘evisceration’ would add a bit of shock factor to the story. I hate being right. Unfortunately readers weren’t shocked so much by the fact that an evisceration occurred, they were shocked that an evisceration occurred in a book they assumed was a children’s story. The opening of Pinky was pretty Dick & Jane, and the descent into horror was a slow one, but The E Word was a harsh jump. My bad. Readers understood my intent in the genre-shift because they read the story through to the end, but the average reader would quickly toss it in the I Don’t Read Children’s Stories pile, long before they got to the E-word.
Definitely something I have to fix. One person suggested adding a subtitle reflecting the Non-Kiddishness of the book. More than one person suggested a bit of foreshadowing right away, to lock-in the story genre from the beginning.
Evisceration (part II) – Let the punishment fit the crime
There are those who feel that bullies who pick on other kids, beat up other kids, take their lunch money and the like, shouldn’t be eviscerated. What a horrible thing to do!
Maybe not. But then again, nice quiet kids who wouldn’t dream of hurting anyone shouldn’t be bullied. What a horrible thing to do!
Most of the time, the bully gets away with it. But sometimes, the victim comes back to school with a gun, or an Invisible Flying Pony who is disturbingly adept at performing eviscerations.
Society considers the poor kid getting bullied, smiles knowingly, and says “Sucks to be you, but life’s not fair.”
I consider the poor bully getting eviscerated, smile knowingly, and say “Sucks to be you, but sometimes, life is a little too fair.”
Invisible Flying Ponies Can’t Do That!
Sifting through the fridge for a can of Squeezy-Cheese? Moving a dead body around like it was a zombie? Evisceration?
Invisible Flying Ponies don’t have hands!
You’re right. They don’t.
So they can’t do those things!
You’re right. They can’t.
Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?
Overall,
I’m happy with the way Pinky was received. People loved the characters and they all got a good laugh out of it. Everyone loved the title, and even the mere suggestion to change the title started an uprising. I thought the guy suggesting the change might get eviscerated by the group. Or worse.
I’ll implement some of the suggested changes, and put one more coat of gloss on the story, (including a high-quality proofreading) then turn Pinky out to the public. I haven’t quite decided on the method of distribution, but members of the Cult of Zero will receive a free copy of the e-book.
-Z
