Um...

IT'S STILL DOWN!

Yep, the bridge is still busted, people are still dead, including my coworker's brother, you still can't cross the river there, and I hear the president wasted a bunch of jet fuel flying over the damage instead of logging onto cnn.com who made the bridge collapse their lead story for five straight days.

Open Letter to the President: Isn't jet fuel expensive? Should you really be so wasteful as to fly Air Force One out to Flyover Land just so you can gawk? Or is it that you've seen the media manipulate tragedies so often that you don't believe it unless you see it for yourself? Yeah, maybe the whole thing was photoshopped! Hell, if you're gonna take personal trips on the taxpayers dime, why don't you also swing by Wisconsin Dells on the way over? Hey, when you are in Minneapolis, stop by and pick up a copy of Jagged Spiral's "Days From Evil" and I'll sign it for you.

Open Letter to CNN: Five Fucking Days? Don't you have Anything Else to report? Aren't we at War someplace? Maybe there's some positive story you could focus on? Here's a story for you, why are people who get their news through CNN less informed than those who get their news through The Onion?

Open Letter to Gawkers: What are you looking for? Lend a hand or get the fuck out of the way.

Open Letter to Fans Of Jagged Spiral: I know this kind of tragedy has followed Jagged Spiral around in the past, but I assure you we had nothing to do with it. We were racking our brains trying to come up with a way to cash in on the tragedy like everyone else, but it looks like everyone's pretty much got it covered. I mean, politicians are using it to get some free press, and some people are even starting to run scams like this. Genius.

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: anti, Culture, Open Letter, Politics, rant

I'm working up a costume for Halloween. Those of you who saw me in 2004 as Marilyn Manson or last year as 'the Ghost of John Wayne' know that I spend more time and prep on this pagan holiday in one year than I have on all Easters combined.

I have two thoughts about Halloween. If you are going to a Halloween party, then you need to wear a costume. That's the point. If you aren't going to wear a costume then stay at home. (And don't be like my neighbors the Jehovah's Witnesses, and pretend you aren't at home. That is bullshit, and you deserve every roll of T.P. that you end up with.)

Furthermore, Halloween should be scary at best, creepy if possible, and surreal at the very least. If the kids wanna dress up like Spider-man that's great. But we already have plenty of 'Holidays' throughout the year that are filled with rainbows, princesses, and cute fucking bunnies. Enough. Come on people, it's Fall, and the land is dying all around you. The dead are here, walking the earth, and if you don't 'treat' them, they will 'trick' you.

And you decide to dress like a pirate.

Like I said, that's pretty surreal, so that's OK in my book. But when the forces of Evil come to my door, my costume is going to scare the piss out of them. So what if I have to clean Satan's piss off my front step? I'll be laughing while I do it.


Anyway, I was just reading about the most popular costume choices for Halloween, and I noticed several things 'wrong with this picture' I will point out a few of them, your homework is to find the remaining 348.

First, why is 'Princess' topping the list for costumes for kids, and 'Witch' is the top costume for Adults? I think this says something about the American Subconscious. Could it be that all little girls are taught (or inbred with) the desire to be rich, beautiful, loved, (and helplessly dependent on some strong, handsome male figure) just like in every God-Damned Disney Film Ever Made? This might explain why 'Red Cross Volunteer' did not make the list. Then again, I don't really speak fashion. Anyone care to interpret for me?

Second, Why are 'Disney Princesses' counted separately from 'Princesses'? Hmm? WTF? A princess is a princess is a princess.

Third, Why is 'Dracula' not counted among the 'Vampires'? Hmm? WTFFF? A vampire is a vampire is a freaking vampire, and not a one of them frightening in the least. I notice they didn't differentiate between 'Butt-Ugly-Witches-With-A-Wart-On-Their-Nose' and the 'Smokin-Hot-Sexy-Witches' which is a HUGE difference, when compared to differentiating Dracula from all other Vampires.

Fourth, Why in the name of all that is flippin good in the world, why are more adults dressing as 'Pumpkins' than as 'French Maids'? This makes me sad.


Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: americans, anti, Cultural Observation, rant

So my step-grandmother is not doing so well. Cancer, among other things, as if Cancer by itself weren't bad enough. Couple years ago, she moved to New Mexico, where the dry air is better for her aching joints, and I hear the meds are cheaper there. Unfortunately, she lives 80 miles from the nearest hospital. Not sure why.

She is on Medicare, (no health insurance) Her copay is $980 which seems a bit high, compared to my $20, especially since she doesn't have that kind of money. She's been to the hospital four times this year, and now has pretty much given up on things like walking around or even standing. The current guess is that she has about a month left or so...

[Editors Note: I know what you are thinking, "Where is the rant? Where does Conrad HIT THE CEILING AND START TYPING IN ALL CAPS? Be patient, it's coming...]

...she is on a test drug which costs $10,000 per month, but 'may' cure her, or at least, delay the inevitable. Since I am not in that situation, I can't make that decision for her, as to whether $10,000 is worth a shot at a cure.

But, $10,000 would buy one hell of a party.

I could fly to Amsterdam and sit backstage at a Rush concert.

I could fly to L.A. and pretend I was important like everyone else there.

I could meet Chris Carrabba and tell him how much I hate his fucking music.

I could meet Adam Sandler and kick him in the balls for making the same stupid movie over and over.

I could buy 10,000 lottery tickets, 7751 bottles of Diet Coke, over 600 bottles of Captain Morgan Rum, or enough Pop Rocks to fill up a swimming pool.

I could buy every season of Benny Hill on DVD, and rent a dozen female bodyguards to protect me while I watched them in the middle of the Women's Expo Convention.

Ten grand might buy enough explosive to drop on the San Andreas Fault line and sink California into the ocean, and have enough left over to party on the Arizona Coastline.

Yessirree, ten large would definitely get me on the Evening News before I kicked the bucket.

...but that isn't the rant. It's here:

WHY THE FUCK IS THE PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY CHARGING TERMINALLY ILL PEOPLE FOR TEST DRUGS? [Editors Note: I warned you.]

Why are the test drugs not free? Once the fucking thing works, you can charge ten grand for it, and I would line up like everyone else to get it. Ten grand for something that even works 80 percent of the time, or extends your life for a year is worth it (maybe) but to take advantage of people who are so near to death that they will desperately jump at any chance for a little more time, or a miracle cure?

That is downright evil, even to me, and I'm an authority.

Give the damn drugs away for cryin' out loud! These people are HELPING YOU OUT by being your beta testers, and YOU ARE CHARGING THEM MONEY! It boggles my mind.

And anyone who tells me that 'the engineering and equipment to make those drugs is expensive' will be thrashed so badly, they will be taking those test drugs themselves. You want to work on a cure for cancer? Go right ahead, but charging people on their deathbeds to do your research for you is really, really low.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Business Phenomena, consumerism, rant

I'm hard on Californians, but they deserve it, especially l.a.

For example: When faced with the fact that the 48-hour film project drew more teams in Minneapolis than in l.a. making Minneapolis the third largest draw in the nation, what did they do?

They did what any narrow-minded pack of self-important shitheads would do, they cheated. They reopened registration until they had more teams than Minneapolis. After all, you wouldn't want people thinking there were more creative and talented people in Minisoda of all fucking places...

Open Letter to l.a. - FUCK YOU you bunch of worthless hack cheaters! Your city falling into the ocean would be a refreshing herbal enema for the United States.

See you down in Arizona Bay,
-CZ

Labels: anti, indie movies, Minneapolis Event, rant, Videos