Um...

IT'S STILL DOWN!

Yep, the bridge is still busted, people are still dead, including my coworker's brother, you still can't cross the river there, and I hear the president wasted a bunch of jet fuel flying over the damage instead of logging onto cnn.com who made the bridge collapse their lead story for five straight days.

Open Letter to the President: Isn't jet fuel expensive? Should you really be so wasteful as to fly Air Force One out to Flyover Land just so you can gawk? Or is it that you've seen the media manipulate tragedies so often that you don't believe it unless you see it for yourself? Yeah, maybe the whole thing was photoshopped! Hell, if you're gonna take personal trips on the taxpayers dime, why don't you also swing by Wisconsin Dells on the way over? Hey, when you are in Minneapolis, stop by and pick up a copy of Jagged Spiral's "Days From Evil" and I'll sign it for you.

Open Letter to CNN: Five Fucking Days? Don't you have Anything Else to report? Aren't we at War someplace? Maybe there's some positive story you could focus on? Here's a story for you, why are people who get their news through CNN less informed than those who get their news through The Onion?

Open Letter to Gawkers: What are you looking for? Lend a hand or get the fuck out of the way.

Open Letter to Fans Of Jagged Spiral: I know this kind of tragedy has followed Jagged Spiral around in the past, but I assure you we had nothing to do with it. We were racking our brains trying to come up with a way to cash in on the tragedy like everyone else, but it looks like everyone's pretty much got it covered. I mean, politicians are using it to get some free press, and some people are even starting to run scams like this. Genius.

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: anti, Culture, Open Letter, Politics, rant

I'm working up a costume for Halloween. Those of you who saw me in 2004 as Marilyn Manson or last year as 'the Ghost of John Wayne' know that I spend more time and prep on this pagan holiday in one year than I have on all Easters combined.

I have two thoughts about Halloween. If you are going to a Halloween party, then you need to wear a costume. That's the point. If you aren't going to wear a costume then stay at home. (And don't be like my neighbors the Jehovah's Witnesses, and pretend you aren't at home. That is bullshit, and you deserve every roll of T.P. that you end up with.)

Furthermore, Halloween should be scary at best, creepy if possible, and surreal at the very least. If the kids wanna dress up like Spider-man that's great. But we already have plenty of 'Holidays' throughout the year that are filled with rainbows, princesses, and cute fucking bunnies. Enough. Come on people, it's Fall, and the land is dying all around you. The dead are here, walking the earth, and if you don't 'treat' them, they will 'trick' you.

And you decide to dress like a pirate.

Like I said, that's pretty surreal, so that's OK in my book. But when the forces of Evil come to my door, my costume is going to scare the piss out of them. So what if I have to clean Satan's piss off my front step? I'll be laughing while I do it.


Anyway, I was just reading about the most popular costume choices for Halloween, and I noticed several things 'wrong with this picture' I will point out a few of them, your homework is to find the remaining 348.

First, why is 'Princess' topping the list for costumes for kids, and 'Witch' is the top costume for Adults? I think this says something about the American Subconscious. Could it be that all little girls are taught (or inbred with) the desire to be rich, beautiful, loved, (and helplessly dependent on some strong, handsome male figure) just like in every God-Damned Disney Film Ever Made? This might explain why 'Red Cross Volunteer' did not make the list. Then again, I don't really speak fashion. Anyone care to interpret for me?

Second, Why are 'Disney Princesses' counted separately from 'Princesses'? Hmm? WTF? A princess is a princess is a princess.

Third, Why is 'Dracula' not counted among the 'Vampires'? Hmm? WTFFF? A vampire is a vampire is a freaking vampire, and not a one of them frightening in the least. I notice they didn't differentiate between 'Butt-Ugly-Witches-With-A-Wart-On-Their-Nose' and the 'Smokin-Hot-Sexy-Witches' which is a HUGE difference, when compared to differentiating Dracula from all other Vampires.

Fourth, Why in the name of all that is flippin good in the world, why are more adults dressing as 'Pumpkins' than as 'French Maids'? This makes me sad.


Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: americans, anti, Cultural Observation, rant

So my step-grandmother is not doing so well. Cancer, among other things, as if Cancer by itself weren't bad enough. Couple years ago, she moved to New Mexico, where the dry air is better for her aching joints, and I hear the meds are cheaper there. Unfortunately, she lives 80 miles from the nearest hospital. Not sure why.

She is on Medicare, (no health insurance) Her copay is $980 which seems a bit high, compared to my $20, especially since she doesn't have that kind of money. She's been to the hospital four times this year, and now has pretty much given up on things like walking around or even standing. The current guess is that she has about a month left or so...

[Editors Note: I know what you are thinking, "Where is the rant? Where does Conrad HIT THE CEILING AND START TYPING IN ALL CAPS? Be patient, it's coming...]

...she is on a test drug which costs $10,000 per month, but 'may' cure her, or at least, delay the inevitable. Since I am not in that situation, I can't make that decision for her, as to whether $10,000 is worth a shot at a cure.

But, $10,000 would buy one hell of a party.

I could fly to Amsterdam and sit backstage at a Rush concert.

I could fly to L.A. and pretend I was important like everyone else there.

I could meet Chris Carrabba and tell him how much I hate his fucking music.

I could meet Adam Sandler and kick him in the balls for making the same stupid movie over and over.

I could buy 10,000 lottery tickets, 7751 bottles of Diet Coke, over 600 bottles of Captain Morgan Rum, or enough Pop Rocks to fill up a swimming pool.

I could buy every season of Benny Hill on DVD, and rent a dozen female bodyguards to protect me while I watched them in the middle of the Women's Expo Convention.

Ten grand might buy enough explosive to drop on the San Andreas Fault line and sink California into the ocean, and have enough left over to party on the Arizona Coastline.

Yessirree, ten large would definitely get me on the Evening News before I kicked the bucket.

...but that isn't the rant. It's here:

WHY THE FUCK IS THE PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY CHARGING TERMINALLY ILL PEOPLE FOR TEST DRUGS? [Editors Note: I warned you.]

Why are the test drugs not free? Once the fucking thing works, you can charge ten grand for it, and I would line up like everyone else to get it. Ten grand for something that even works 80 percent of the time, or extends your life for a year is worth it (maybe) but to take advantage of people who are so near to death that they will desperately jump at any chance for a little more time, or a miracle cure?

That is downright evil, even to me, and I'm an authority.

Give the damn drugs away for cryin' out loud! These people are HELPING YOU OUT by being your beta testers, and YOU ARE CHARGING THEM MONEY! It boggles my mind.

And anyone who tells me that 'the engineering and equipment to make those drugs is expensive' will be thrashed so badly, they will be taking those test drugs themselves. You want to work on a cure for cancer? Go right ahead, but charging people on their deathbeds to do your research for you is really, really low.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Business Phenomena, consumerism, rant

I'm hard on Californians, but they deserve it, especially l.a.

For example: When faced with the fact that the 48-hour film project drew more teams in Minneapolis than in l.a. making Minneapolis the third largest draw in the nation, what did they do?

They did what any narrow-minded pack of self-important shitheads would do, they cheated. They reopened registration until they had more teams than Minneapolis. After all, you wouldn't want people thinking there were more creative and talented people in Minisoda of all fucking places...

Open Letter to l.a. - FUCK YOU you bunch of worthless hack cheaters! Your city falling into the ocean would be a refreshing herbal enema for the United States.

See you down in Arizona Bay,
-CZ

Labels: anti, indie movies, Minneapolis Event, rant, Videos

I just can't tell you how much I hate Chris Carrabba, it doesn't even make sense to me. If you found out that someone was going around posing as a house inspector, and beating up people and taking their money - that's the kind of hate I'm talking about. This man is posing a musician, passing off audio that is a mockery of a travesty of a sham (I call it Shit-Rock, although I have heard other people call it Emo), and taking people's money, and it makes me nauseous.

I have a suspicion that everyone in the universe has their polar opposite, and I have found mine. If the two of us ever met, I suspect the universe would implode. So if you ever want to know about me, just look up Chris Carrabba and think the opposite. (With the exception that we both have a penis, but this is only an assumption on my part, and the subject of some debate.) If you ever ask yourself What Would Zero Do? Just think What Would Chris Carrabba Do? Then do the opposite.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Dashboard Confessional Sucks, Emo Sucks, music reviews, rant

Click the link above to read the story of someone who came to the sad realization many have already learned since the letters D.R.M (Digital Rights Management) darkened our data collections.

I almost feel bad about the thousands of people who are falling for the iShackle, (sorry, I meant, iPod). I suspect a higher number of them are younger people, who quickly click past all the legaleze of the indecipherable End User License Agreement of their iFools (sorry, I meant iTunes) accounts. Some day, they will realize that iTunes sells a SERVICE and not a PRODUCT, that their music is LEASED and not BOUGHT. It won't be long before they realize they have been fisted, and the saying 'Never trust anyone over 30' becomes the anthem for disillusioned 20-somethings...

Print this blog post out and tape it to your refridgerator door. In ten years from now (probably less) check the newswire for this article,


'Local man fined for listening to music'
Mr Local Guy was more than a little irate when his ten-year old iPod finally bit the dust, and he went to purchase another one from AppleSoft, only to discover that the company had phased the product line (along with the MP6 format) out of existance.

Not to be daunted, Mr Guy downloaded a hacker/conversion program from BitTorrent, and he was able to translate his MP6 files from iTunes into an unprotected ancient technology MP3 Format, still popular among the hacker L337 community. It did not take long for AppleSoft Security Enforcement to deduct a significant fine from his credit account, lock down his transportation and communication services, and change his food-delivery service to MLSR (Minimum-Life-Sustaining-Requirements).

'But how am I supposed to listen to my music collection?' ranted Mr Guy, 'I paid over ten thousand American Euros for my MP6s! I own them! Theyre MINE!'

'Not so', says AppleSoft janitor, Bill Gates, 'Had he read the EULA, he would know that the DRM really does not allow any user to translate the media to any other format, or play them on any unsupported devices.'

When asked how users were supposed to listen to their music collections without supported hardware, the answer came quickly.

'Simple,' Gates laughed, 'they just go over to the new AppleSoft MP7 site and buy them again! The MP6 technology is so six weeks ago! He should be glad we let him access that old stuff for so long!'

Now, with the new-and-improved DRM2 looming on the horizon, With it's built-in 6-month-limit feature, which automatically turns all music into Dashboard Confessional songs after 6-months unless customers keep their liscense payments up to date, people are more wary than ever about the new technology. (Of course members who purchase the DRM-Platinum-Plus-AppleSoft-Tunes Account have the limit extended to 9 months.)...



usw,
-CZ

Labels: anti, DRM Sucks, Music Industry, rant

[ed note: Sorry, but I am in a really bad mood today, and the doctor prescribed two rants per day on the blog to minimize my misery...]

Rant 1 - How come car repairs only come in $300 increments? A radiator leak prompted me to take my car to a trusted individual who moonlights in such things. Strangely, every time he calls me to give me an update on the progress, the price has gone up $300. Head gasket? $600. OK, that sucks. Having the head milled at a machine shop? $900. OK, Looks like I'll be selling some things on E-Bay. Cracked timing chain guide? OK, Now we are at $1200 and I now have his number blocked. That should at least keep the price fixed...

Rant 2 - Does anyone else *get* Paris Hilton? At least Brooke Shields appeared in one movie and a Calvin Klein series of commercials before we called her 'famous', and she spent the rest of her life Doing Nothing Being Famous. Paris Hilton shows every lack of talent that Brooke Shields has (or is that 'doesnt have'?) but she hasn't done anything except look smarmy. She just oozes Self-Ritious-Pretentious-Bitchiness. If there was any justice in the world, she would be living under a bridge, begging for scraps. I wouldn't screw Paris Hilton with my neighbor's dog's penis, although I wouldn't mind screwing her out of $1200 to get my car fixed...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: A Day In The Life, rant

So I was ripping on the Olympics over dinner when Xtina set me straight.

'What a waste,' I said.

'Whats that?'

'The Olympics. Its an absolutely amazing worldwide waste. If all those people with all that money wanted to actually do something *constructive* they could. Rebuild New Orleans. End poverty. Repair the damage from the Tsunami. Stop the war in Iraq. But NO, they fuck around Skiing.'

'But...'

'And Skating,' I iterated.

'...well...'

'*Figure* Skating,' I reiterated.

'...but the world *needs* to get together.'

'Fucking ***Figure Skating***?' I re-reiterated.

'Its like this. The world needs to get together and do something Pointless together. The same way people need to go out and get drunk and play Darts with people they work with.'

'Hmm. I guess.'

'Or Bowling. Now if all those people with all that energy and money focused it on something more *constructive*...'

'Right,' I admitted, 'Good point.'

Long pause.

'Well,' I continued, 'at least they could get rid of the sports commentators. Whatever they pay them is a waste...'

Labels: anti, rant

I was just ROFL over this post and I couldn't agree more, but I can actually add one thing she missed.

I suspect the grocery store she frequents does not have the New-And-Improved-Employee-Replacing-Self-Checkout but if it does, this is a major complainable item, and the number one reason that I don't frequent [Fill In The Blank Megastore] Foods unless absolutely necessary.

If there was ever a device devised to slow you down and make your checkout experience as frustrating as humanly (now inhumanly) possible, it is the Self-Checkout. Before they arrived I would have agreed that the job of cash register clerk was one of the first that should be replaced by a computer, (Right after the DMV and the Post Office)

As anti-social as I am, I still would prefer a 16-year old, slacker, high-school dropout wearing an Ipod to scan my groceries. Why? Because they don't talk as much as that fucking machine. 'Please scan the next item!' 'Please scan the next item!' 'Please scan the next item!'

HOW DO YOU SHUT THIS FUCKING THING UP?

I've done the self-checkout several times (Hmm, maybe I should rephrase that...) enough to call myself 'proficient' at it. I don't need to be told to scan the next item, or where the credit card reader is, or to take my change. I don't need an annoying BOOP audio cue to tell me the bar code was properly scanned - an on-screen visual of the item added to the list is sufficient. What I need is the ability to turn the damn speaker off, which should have been the second control installed on this million-dollar-annoyance, right after the ON/OFF switch.

Also, which do you think is faster at scanning a hundred items UPC codes? A 16-year old, slacker, high-school dropout who scans bar codes all day and plays marathon HALO deathmatch all night....or you?

Furthermore, If I am going through the self-checkout, shouldn't I be getting some kind of discount on my bill? Aren't I doing the checkout for the store, so they can lay off some poor kid making minimum wage? Why don't they tie brooms to the bottoms of all the shopping carts, and I can sweep the fucking floor for them while I make my rounds, and they can lay off a janitor while they are at it....

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: anti, rant

Dear KARE 11,

What is WRONG with your evening news? Who made the decision to show live video of a woman and her child being hit by a car? That is fucking sick and wrong. Precursoring the video with some announcement that it 'may be disturbing' does NOT give you the right to show shit like that. What about people who don't have the sound up? What about people like me, who were simply walking through the living room while the TV is on, and are suddenly and unwillingly subjected to horrific, graphic violence of that caliber? If people want to see that, they will go to the movie theatre, pay for it, and watch it on their own terms.

Since no one there at KARE is intelligent enough to filter your news, I am happy to help you out. Here are some tips that will boost your ratings:

1) Find whomever chose/approved/allowed that video to air, drag them out to the parking lot, run them over (with their own car), videotape it and show it to their family. Make sure to get the camera up close to their faces, to catch their initial, horrified reactions.

2) Change your call letters to SHIT

You sick bastards,

Sincerely,
Conrad Zero

Labels: Open Letter, rant

OK...Any fucking day now...Any microsecond now... Oh, wait. I forgot, we don't use "micro" round here unless it's followed by "soft", because unlike every other civilized country in the world,

WE HAVENT SWITCHED TO THE FUCKING METRIC SYSTEM YET!!!

Miles Per Hour?
Gallons?
Inches?
Pounds? (And the impossible abbreviation: lb ??? WTF???)

Come on Engineers, make the fucking switch already.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: americans, rant, Technology, Ubersuck

Back some 6 years ago or so, the University of Minnesota wanted to cash in on the untapped 'Adult Learner' market. Remember 'University College'? "Hey adults, come get a degree in your spare time! Take night/weekend/internet classes to fit your busy schedule!" Remember this?

Now, some six years later, all I hear is how it is 'taking too long for students to graduate' and the ridiculous enforcement of minimal credit payment, which completely screws over people with jobs and families who want to further their education: "Sure, you can take one class if you want, but you have to pay for a full credit load!" As if the tuition hikes over the past two years weren't bad enough!

This is surprising for a University where the word "diversity" is implanted into every speech and publication, until it is overused into meaninglessness. It doesn't seem very diverse to me, to impede the ability of adults with jobs and families to take classes and get a degree in their free time.

I would expect more intelligent decisions from a group of people running a learning institution.

My suggestion is to either discontinue your use of the word "diversity", or bring back the University College, without the mandatory minimum credit bullshit, and time limits for graduation. Return some fairness to the system for people who did not just step out of high school.

Sincerely,
-CZ

Labels: Open Letter, rant, Ubersuck

Somehow, in the initial excitement of podcasting, many have the misconceived notion of a podcast format as an hour long production, as though they were a syndicated radio talk show. There aren’t many reasons that a podcast post should be longer than a Blog post. Would you subscribe to a Blog that posted hours worth of reading material? Every day? NEWS FLASH: PODCASTED AUDIO IS NOT FREE TO THE SUBSCRIBER! It takes bandwidth to download, MB to store, and most importantly - time to listen to it.

Blog postings over two pages are LONG… Podcasts longer than a voicemail message are LONG. Podcasts over 10 minutes are REALLY LONG, and require people to schedule the listening into their free time somewhere. The longer the post, the less likely it is that people will make time to hear it. More than a half-hour per day is nearly insane, and you either need to be Really Interesting, or have some Really Good Information (or both) to maintain subscribers.

With this in mind, here are two tips I can offer to reduce the size of your posts, thereby increasing your number of subscribers:

1) BREAK IT DOWN: Break your recording into sections and label them like Blog posts so people can pick and choose what they listen to, as well as skip to the next post without having to listen to the entire thing. For example, instead of releasing an entire CD as a single post, release each track separately. Instead of releasing an Hour long talk show, release each topic as a separate 5-10 min post (Are you listening Engadget? Dave Slusher?)

2) EDIT: No one expects podcasts to be professional; it is part of the geeky, quirky, kitchiness of the medium that makes it interesting (HEY! I’m a geek with a microphone! Here me babble, and say “Ummmm…” and “Ahhhhhh…”!!! How Unprofessional! And it’s reaching the Entire Blogosphere! Hehehe...) So editing mistakes out is probably a mistake -leave them in. But editing for content is another matter. If you drift off topic for too long, or experience technical problems, you owe it to your audience to cut that crap right straight out. If you are tech savvy enough to do a podcast, you can also cut up or re-record your audio before posting it.

A prime example of "How NOT To..." is Adam Curry’s 1-7-05 “Source Code” post, weighing in at just over 43min long, After 4 min into it, he still had not started yet! Instead, he rambles disjointedly about how the previous recording didn’t work, and how he bought a coconut, and how good the coconut tastes, and how a coconut makes an unwieldy drinking container, and that the ceiling fan in his hotel room is noisy, and he actually turns it on for you to prove it, and he did actually BLOW HIS NOSE, which was a thoughtful way for him to waste his listeners' time, as well as space in their mp3 players, and makes him come off as someone who just likes to hear his own voice, or someone who thinks you are fascinated enough with his life to want to hear the sounds he makes in the bathroom.

I am picking on Adam Curry because he should know better, given his background, and being a forerunner and evangelist in the field of podcasting. He should be setting the standard. 'Mikes Manic Minute' is a bit extreme in the other direction, but something between these two extremes better suits the standard.

Drifting off-topic for a moment is OK and fun and sometimes funny, but pissing away the first 4 min of a 45 min post is rude to the listener. Expect them to do what I did: Unsubscribe. Worse, if the majority of podcasts behave this way, the entire technology will not see the adoption rate I’m sure we would all like.

On a side note, I would just like to say that I hate the term “podcasting” more than anyone, but even I realize it’s too late to change it now. Just let it go. As bad as it is, I can’t image a term for anything worse than “Blog”, which is one of the sounds a toilet makes, and no one seems to mind that….

Conrad Zero
www.conradzero.com
conrad@conradzero.com

Labels: Blogging, idiots, Open Letter, podcast, rant