Friday, January 25, 2008
93X Rocks...er, I mean, Sucks
For a change of pace at work today, I was trying to listen to KXXR, the local "Hard Rock" radio station also known as 93X.
Cake?
The White Stripes?
Red Hot Chili Peppers?
W.
T.
F?
Thought I had the wrong station for a moment, until they played some whining, crying screamo (Linkin Park), and then some Post-Black-Album-Metallica (AKA: Mooktallica), then I knew I had the right station: 93X, We Play Meddle for Boys in Caps! Crank it up while you drive your 4x4 down to the "World of Wheels"!
Bitchin.
And if it wasn't bad enough that the music is watered down like the drinks at the strip club, there were more commercials and annoying DJs than songs. Should anyone be surprised that terrestrial radio is losing market share to satellite?
Don't get me wrong, I think Tool deserve to be played every single day, but the Fucking Red Hot Chili Peppers?
This town needs a real Hard Rock / Metal radio station. Let's hear some Prong (Did you know they have a new album?) or Motorhead. There's an interesting genre called Melodic Metal, but 93X wouldn't know about that.
There's been some great releases in the last couple years; Kamelot's "Ghost Opera", Blind Guardian's "Twist in the Myth", The Deathstars "Termination Bliss", In Flames "Come Clarity", and more; bands that kick the piss out of crap like Godback and Nickelsmack, and might even make people interested in music again, but 93X has no clue.
Female-Fronted Hard Rock / Metal bands are going gangbusters; Nothing Gained, Scarlet Sins, Betty X, and my new favorite OTEP. I mean, here are some talented bands, and they are even TRYING to get Pop Metal stations like 93X to play them by doing metal covers of pop songs. Scarlet Sins did a cover of "Strangelove" by Depeche Mode, and OTEP covered "Breed" from Nirvana, you can check it out here:
OTEP - "BREED"
Add to My Profile | More Videos
This remake hit the Billboard charts in Canada. Have you even heard of this band? Of course not, because you were listening to Angry Teen Angst God-Damned-Nickel-Smack-Back on 93X.
Call me spoiled. I was so happy when 93X first launched, and they really were playing good music; Nirvana, Motorhead, G-n-F-n-R, Prong, NIN, classic Metallica, Marilyn Manson..., stuff that made me blow out the speakers in my car over and over again.
What happened? Regardless, the honeymoon is over, and where the playlist for 93X hasn't stagnated completely, it's moving into mook-rawk and screamo. Ever hear a radio station say they needed to go 'back to their roots'?
It's 2008, and 93X doesn't know Doro Pesch from Peaches.
Art Is Resistance
-Zero
0 Comments
Permalink
Cake?
The White Stripes?
Red Hot Chili Peppers?
W.
T.
F?
Thought I had the wrong station for a moment, until they played some whining, crying screamo (Linkin Park), and then some Post-Black-Album-Metallica (AKA: Mooktallica), then I knew I had the right station: 93X, We Play Meddle for Boys in Caps! Crank it up while you drive your 4x4 down to the "World of Wheels"!
Bitchin.
And if it wasn't bad enough that the music is watered down like the drinks at the strip club, there were more commercials and annoying DJs than songs. Should anyone be surprised that terrestrial radio is losing market share to satellite?
Don't get me wrong, I think Tool deserve to be played every single day, but the Fucking Red Hot Chili Peppers?
This town needs a real Hard Rock / Metal radio station. Let's hear some Prong (Did you know they have a new album?) or Motorhead. There's an interesting genre called Melodic Metal, but 93X wouldn't know about that.
There's been some great releases in the last couple years; Kamelot's "Ghost Opera", Blind Guardian's "Twist in the Myth", The Deathstars "Termination Bliss", In Flames "Come Clarity", and more; bands that kick the piss out of crap like Godback and Nickelsmack, and might even make people interested in music again, but 93X has no clue.
Female-Fronted Hard Rock / Metal bands are going gangbusters; Nothing Gained, Scarlet Sins, Betty X, and my new favorite OTEP. I mean, here are some talented bands, and they are even TRYING to get Pop Metal stations like 93X to play them by doing metal covers of pop songs. Scarlet Sins did a cover of "Strangelove" by Depeche Mode, and OTEP covered "Breed" from Nirvana, you can check it out here:
OTEP - "BREED"
Add to My Profile | More Videos
This remake hit the Billboard charts in Canada. Have you even heard of this band? Of course not, because you were listening to Angry Teen Angst God-Damned-Nickel-Smack-Back on 93X.
Call me spoiled. I was so happy when 93X first launched, and they really were playing good music; Nirvana, Motorhead, G-n-F-n-R, Prong, NIN, classic Metallica, Marilyn Manson..., stuff that made me blow out the speakers in my car over and over again.
What happened? Regardless, the honeymoon is over, and where the playlist for 93X hasn't stagnated completely, it's moving into mook-rawk and screamo. Ever hear a radio station say they needed to go 'back to their roots'?
It's 2008, and 93X doesn't know Doro Pesch from Peaches.
Art Is Resistance
-Zero
Labels: anti, Music Industry
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Halloween Remake (Open Letter to Rob Zombie)
Someone asked if I was going to see the remake of Halloween. My initial response was 'Hell Yeah!', because the first Halloween is a truly scary classic.
Unfortunately, I had to change my decision after I realized that you were behind the filming. I can't really bring myself to see anything you are involved with after watching "House of 1000 Corpses" and "The Devil's Rejects" (You can read my review of The Devil's Rejects here)
Sorry Rob, but I can't even give you the benefit of the doubt now. I don't believe that you are capable of making a horror movie without making blowing the Hokey-Meter off the charts, and I won't let you wreck a timeless classic.
You should stick to the song you keep releasing over and over, it's really good, but your movies are worse than Suck-Squared.
KTHXBYE,
-CZ
0 Comments
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Unfortunately, I had to change my decision after I realized that you were behind the filming. I can't really bring myself to see anything you are involved with after watching "House of 1000 Corpses" and "The Devil's Rejects" (You can read my review of The Devil's Rejects here)
Sorry Rob, but I can't even give you the benefit of the doubt now. I don't believe that you are capable of making a horror movie without making blowing the Hokey-Meter off the charts, and I won't let you wreck a timeless classic.
You should stick to the song you keep releasing over and over, it's really good, but your movies are worse than Suck-Squared.
KTHXBYE,
-CZ
Labels: anti, Movie News, movie reviews, Open Letter, Ubersuck
Monday, August 06, 2007
Update on Interstate 35W Bridge Collapse
Um...
IT'S STILL DOWN!
Yep, the bridge is still busted, people are still dead, including my coworker's brother, you still can't cross the river there, and I hear the president wasted a bunch of jet fuel flying over the damage instead of logging onto cnn.com who made the bridge collapse their lead story for five straight days.
Open Letter to the President: Isn't jet fuel expensive? Should you really be so wasteful as to fly Air Force One out to Flyover Land just so you can gawk? Or is it that you've seen the media manipulate tragedies so often that you don't believe it unless you see it for yourself? Yeah, maybe the whole thing was photoshopped! Hell, if you're gonna take personal trips on the taxpayers dime, why don't you also swing by Wisconsin Dells on the way over? Hey, when you are in Minneapolis, stop by and pick up a copy of Jagged Spiral's "Days From Evil" and I'll sign it for you.
Open Letter to CNN: Five Fucking Days? Don't you have Anything Else to report? Aren't we at War someplace? Maybe there's some positive story you could focus on? Here's a story for you, why are people who get their news through CNN less informed than those who get their news through The Onion?
Open Letter to Gawkers: What are you looking for? Lend a hand or get the fuck out of the way.
Open Letter to Fans Of Jagged Spiral: I know this kind of tragedy has followed Jagged Spiral around in the past, but I assure you we had nothing to do with it. We were racking our brains trying to come up with a way to cash in on the tragedy like everyone else, but it looks like everyone's pretty much got it covered. I mean, politicians are using it to get some free press, and some people are even starting to run scams like this. Genius.
KTHXBYE,
-CZ
0 Comments
Permalink
IT'S STILL DOWN!
Yep, the bridge is still busted, people are still dead, including my coworker's brother, you still can't cross the river there, and I hear the president wasted a bunch of jet fuel flying over the damage instead of logging onto cnn.com who made the bridge collapse their lead story for five straight days.
Open Letter to the President: Isn't jet fuel expensive? Should you really be so wasteful as to fly Air Force One out to Flyover Land just so you can gawk? Or is it that you've seen the media manipulate tragedies so often that you don't believe it unless you see it for yourself? Yeah, maybe the whole thing was photoshopped! Hell, if you're gonna take personal trips on the taxpayers dime, why don't you also swing by Wisconsin Dells on the way over? Hey, when you are in Minneapolis, stop by and pick up a copy of Jagged Spiral's "Days From Evil" and I'll sign it for you.
Open Letter to CNN: Five Fucking Days? Don't you have Anything Else to report? Aren't we at War someplace? Maybe there's some positive story you could focus on? Here's a story for you, why are people who get their news through CNN less informed than those who get their news through The Onion?
Open Letter to Gawkers: What are you looking for? Lend a hand or get the fuck out of the way.
Open Letter to Fans Of Jagged Spiral: I know this kind of tragedy has followed Jagged Spiral around in the past, but I assure you we had nothing to do with it. We were racking our brains trying to come up with a way to cash in on the tragedy like everyone else, but it looks like everyone's pretty much got it covered. I mean, politicians are using it to get some free press, and some people are even starting to run scams like this. Genius.
KTHXBYE,
-CZ
Labels: anti, Culture, Open Letter, Politics, rant
Friday, July 20, 2007
The Peppermint Creeps
Someone needs to do some research on California. Is it a magnet that draws freakshows like The Peppermint Creeps out of the rest of the country? Or is there something wrong with the water there that warps people's minds?
In all fairness, I know some very nice people who are from California, and moreover, they knowingly moved there. That's their conscious choice, and I won't hold it against them. I have visited California myself and without a doubt, the climate is wonderful.
But if you go to the bank or Taco Bell you would end up standing in line nest to this. Is that what you want? I mean, listen to their song "F_Off And Die". (You might have to turn off the second song playing further down the page, and thank myspace for the clever design which allows bands to automatically start two songs when the page loads...)
If I was in High School, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE the Peppermint Creeps. Not because it's any good at all, but because my parents would HATE HATE HATE it, and wonder if I needed counseling. The Peppermint Creeps are the NEW Motley Crue, the NEW Twisted Sister.
I'm thinking of starting a fund to help the San Andreas Fault Line out, and plop the Peppermint Creeps straight into the Pacific Ocean.
Gotta go, I'm going to be sick...
KTHXBYE,
-CZ
1 Comments
Permalink
In all fairness, I know some very nice people who are from California, and moreover, they knowingly moved there. That's their conscious choice, and I won't hold it against them. I have visited California myself and without a doubt, the climate is wonderful.
But if you go to the bank or Taco Bell you would end up standing in line nest to this. Is that what you want? I mean, listen to their song "F_Off And Die". (You might have to turn off the second song playing further down the page, and thank myspace for the clever design which allows bands to automatically start two songs when the page loads...)
If I was in High School, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE the Peppermint Creeps. Not because it's any good at all, but because my parents would HATE HATE HATE it, and wonder if I needed counseling. The Peppermint Creeps are the NEW Motley Crue, the NEW Twisted Sister.
I'm thinking of starting a fund to help the San Andreas Fault Line out, and plop the Peppermint Creeps straight into the Pacific Ocean.
Gotta go, I'm going to be sick...
KTHXBYE,
-CZ
Labels: anti, music reviews
Monday, May 07, 2007
I-Tunes is the new Real Player!
Oh...
...please...stop!
Your'e killing me!
[Editors Note: Sorry to all friends of Conrad Zero who are Macintosh users. You are obvioulsy exempt from any intended harrassment via the above link.]
Blog on,
-CZ
0 Comments
Permalink
...please...stop!
Your'e killing me!
[Editors Note: Sorry to all friends of Conrad Zero who are Macintosh users. You are obvioulsy exempt from any intended harrassment via the above link.]
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: anti, Cool Website
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
My review of Lindsey Thomas' review of Year Zero
The latest City Pages contains Lindsey Thomas' review of Year Zero. Strangely, instead of calling attention to the amazing marketing campaign and phenomena behind Year Zero, she completely Dismisses it:
"...not a single original thought to be found..."
"..If Year Zero reveals anything, it's that his music does little for people with a working knowledge of current events and a desire for sonic evolution.
Her review saddens me more than I can say. I thought that Year Zero was a strong album, with some great hits like "Capitol G" and "The Beginning of the End". The song, "In This Twilight" is a phenomenal piece of music.
Overlooking the music, the message in Year Zero is a timely one. The great, dumbing down of society. People sick of the way things are being run, finally rising up and rebelling, joining the underground Open Source Resistance...
Even if one were to ignore the music and the message (a horrific thing for a *music critic* to do,) Year Zero is still a remarkable album in the method it was marketed. Finally, there's an artist who has figured out how the new music system works, and he is showing the world by DOING. Trent Reznor is creating an image and an event which extends WAY beyond the music. He is inviting everyone to be part of the phenomenon; social puzzles, secret codes, intentionally leaked songs, interactive websites, secret concerts, freaking phone messages fer crissakes! He isn't sitting around trying to look kewl and sound "indie" while releasing shit-rock like all the pitchfork.com darlings, he's actually DOING SOMETHING NO ONE HAS DONE BEFORE!
...and Lindsey Thomas comes along like some old person who has never heard of the internet, and dismisses the entire astonishing thing by saying he hasn't got a single original thought.
Wow.
I suppose that if the White Stripes did the same thing, she would be praising their idealism and creativity the way she praised Arcade Fire for their insight and suggested that they have 'plumbed new depths of social commentary', but she doesn't even give a passing nod to the artist who is starting an underground revolution.
When that revolution marches down the street in front of her house, she will wish she had spent more time researching that review.
Blog on,
-CZ
0 Comments
Permalink
"...not a single original thought to be found..."
"..If Year Zero reveals anything, it's that his music does little for people with a working knowledge of current events and a desire for sonic evolution.
Her review saddens me more than I can say. I thought that Year Zero was a strong album, with some great hits like "Capitol G" and "The Beginning of the End". The song, "In This Twilight" is a phenomenal piece of music.
Overlooking the music, the message in Year Zero is a timely one. The great, dumbing down of society. People sick of the way things are being run, finally rising up and rebelling, joining the underground Open Source Resistance...
Even if one were to ignore the music and the message (a horrific thing for a *music critic* to do,) Year Zero is still a remarkable album in the method it was marketed. Finally, there's an artist who has figured out how the new music system works, and he is showing the world by DOING. Trent Reznor is creating an image and an event which extends WAY beyond the music. He is inviting everyone to be part of the phenomenon; social puzzles, secret codes, intentionally leaked songs, interactive websites, secret concerts, freaking phone messages fer crissakes! He isn't sitting around trying to look kewl and sound "indie" while releasing shit-rock like all the pitchfork.com darlings, he's actually DOING SOMETHING NO ONE HAS DONE BEFORE!
...and Lindsey Thomas comes along like some old person who has never heard of the internet, and dismisses the entire astonishing thing by saying he hasn't got a single original thought.
Wow.
I suppose that if the White Stripes did the same thing, she would be praising their idealism and creativity the way she praised Arcade Fire for their insight and suggested that they have 'plumbed new depths of social commentary', but she doesn't even give a passing nod to the artist who is starting an underground revolution.
When that revolution marches down the street in front of her house, she will wish she had spent more time researching that review.
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: anti, music reviews, NIN
Monday, April 09, 2007
Movie Review: Grindhouse
It was a moral and ethical struggle to build up the motivation to see the latest double-feature movie from Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez Grindhouse.
On the one hand, I've enjoyed Robert Rodriguez' previous work, and the trailer looked like a preposterous zombie/comedy that I might actually enjoy. On the other hand, I've wanted my money back from every Quentin Tarantino movie I've ever seen. In the end, I decided to go because my friends were going, and to gather some good material for the blog. I tried not to let the machine-gun prosthesis keep me from changing my mind.
For the most part, the movies were made up to look like poor quality film reel movies, and the only notable CGI effects were aged-film effects like scratches and hair on the film. Between the two 'features' were several trailers for movies that were really funny. "Machete", "Don't!" and "Thanksgiving" had the audience rolling with laughter, and the trailer for "Werewolf Women of the SS" (By Rob Zombie) was probably the funniest part of the entire movie. Rob Zombie's feature films are completely awful tasteless shit, but for ridiculous movie previews, his was top-notch. Looks like he found his calling.
Planet Terror - The first part of the double-feature was Robert Rodriguez' Planet Terror, a blood-soaked zombie rampage of gross fun. Rodriguez made great use of the aged-film-effects throughout the movie, and introduced a film burn and jump to the next reel at a perfect spot that was very funny.
The music (Mostly done by Rodriguez himself) was great, lots of grungy low-strung guitars.
The writing was good, although it didn't have to be. The story kept moving with good pacing and almost nonstop action. The machine-gun prosthesis was preposterous, but so was everything else about the movie.
Death Proof - The second part of the double-feature was Quentin Tarantino's "Death Proof", a boring homage to old-school road movies like Vanishing Point. The best way to describe it was to take all the things that made Planet Terror good, and remove them.
Tarantino really should be creating Radio Plays, because he doesn't understand what the video is for. Very much like "From Dusk Till Dawn" Tarantino's writing is Overdone Unnecessary Dialog followed by a bloody crescendo of ultra-violence, at which point you realize that all the dialog and character development throughout the movie was pointless. Throughout the dialog, he points the camera at smokin-hot babes who jabber on endlessly until the audience is screaming "We Got The Fucking Point Already! Move On, Please!"
While Planet Terror and Death Proof were about the same length, around 90 min, Planet Terror FELT like an hour long, and Death Proof FELT like three hours by itself. Many people were yawning and taking bathroom breaks during Death Proof, and they didn't miss anything.
Tarantino wasn't able to incorporate the aged-film effects into his movie very well. He put them in at first, and during some transitions, but they seemed to get lost or forgotten a few minutes later. One 'missing reel' during one of the few 'action' scenes of the movie only moved the plot from Unnecessary Dialog to More Unnecessary Dialog. The trailer for Grindhouse showed Action/Adventure/Excitement, but it looks like the only parts of the trailer were cut from Planet Terror, because there was very little Action/Adventure/Excitement in Death proof; its a Chick-Flick with a car-chase ending. Look, if I wanted clever dialog, I would have rented one of Kevin Smith's movies.
As in all his other films, Tarantino tries to impress us with his eclectic knowledge of music, giving entire songs cameos in "Death Proof". I'm sure he is very impressed by his own music selection. I'm also sure the audience could do without ten minutes of actors headbanging and singing along to his selection of Quentin's Kewl Tunez, which do nothing to advance the plot or the characters. Again, I suggest he work on Radio Plays instead of wasting the entire visual element of the media he is working with.
I'm glad I saw Grindhouse, it did help me solidify what I don't like about Tarantino's films by putting his movie right alongside a movie from a good writer/director.
Blog on,
-CZ
2 Comments
Permalink
On the one hand, I've enjoyed Robert Rodriguez' previous work, and the trailer looked like a preposterous zombie/comedy that I might actually enjoy. On the other hand, I've wanted my money back from every Quentin Tarantino movie I've ever seen. In the end, I decided to go because my friends were going, and to gather some good material for the blog. I tried not to let the machine-gun prosthesis keep me from changing my mind.
For the most part, the movies were made up to look like poor quality film reel movies, and the only notable CGI effects were aged-film effects like scratches and hair on the film. Between the two 'features' were several trailers for movies that were really funny. "Machete", "Don't!" and "Thanksgiving" had the audience rolling with laughter, and the trailer for "Werewolf Women of the SS" (By Rob Zombie) was probably the funniest part of the entire movie. Rob Zombie's feature films are completely awful tasteless shit, but for ridiculous movie previews, his was top-notch. Looks like he found his calling.
Planet Terror - The first part of the double-feature was Robert Rodriguez' Planet Terror, a blood-soaked zombie rampage of gross fun. Rodriguez made great use of the aged-film-effects throughout the movie, and introduced a film burn and jump to the next reel at a perfect spot that was very funny.
The music (Mostly done by Rodriguez himself) was great, lots of grungy low-strung guitars.
The writing was good, although it didn't have to be. The story kept moving with good pacing and almost nonstop action. The machine-gun prosthesis was preposterous, but so was everything else about the movie.
Death Proof - The second part of the double-feature was Quentin Tarantino's "Death Proof", a boring homage to old-school road movies like Vanishing Point. The best way to describe it was to take all the things that made Planet Terror good, and remove them.
Tarantino really should be creating Radio Plays, because he doesn't understand what the video is for. Very much like "From Dusk Till Dawn" Tarantino's writing is Overdone Unnecessary Dialog followed by a bloody crescendo of ultra-violence, at which point you realize that all the dialog and character development throughout the movie was pointless. Throughout the dialog, he points the camera at smokin-hot babes who jabber on endlessly until the audience is screaming "We Got The Fucking Point Already! Move On, Please!"
While Planet Terror and Death Proof were about the same length, around 90 min, Planet Terror FELT like an hour long, and Death Proof FELT like three hours by itself. Many people were yawning and taking bathroom breaks during Death Proof, and they didn't miss anything.
Tarantino wasn't able to incorporate the aged-film effects into his movie very well. He put them in at first, and during some transitions, but they seemed to get lost or forgotten a few minutes later. One 'missing reel' during one of the few 'action' scenes of the movie only moved the plot from Unnecessary Dialog to More Unnecessary Dialog. The trailer for Grindhouse showed Action/Adventure/Excitement, but it looks like the only parts of the trailer were cut from Planet Terror, because there was very little Action/Adventure/Excitement in Death proof; its a Chick-Flick with a car-chase ending. Look, if I wanted clever dialog, I would have rented one of Kevin Smith's movies.
As in all his other films, Tarantino tries to impress us with his eclectic knowledge of music, giving entire songs cameos in "Death Proof". I'm sure he is very impressed by his own music selection. I'm also sure the audience could do without ten minutes of actors headbanging and singing along to his selection of Quentin's Kewl Tunez, which do nothing to advance the plot or the characters. Again, I suggest he work on Radio Plays instead of wasting the entire visual element of the media he is working with.
I'm glad I saw Grindhouse, it did help me solidify what I don't like about Tarantino's films by putting his movie right alongside a movie from a good writer/director.
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: anti, movie reviews
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Valentine's Day (Capitolist American Ver.)
The day of Love. Love of money, that is.
Americans have this uncanny knack for working the money-angle on any concept, even one as noble as a holiday for celebrating love. You hear the commercials as well as I do, they are all but unavoidable, and all of them with their same, sick message; If you love your female (yes Female, but I'll get to that in a min...) partner, then you need to prove it with cash.
How vulgar! How ludicrous! How asinine!
How American.
They took Christmas a long time ago. Halloween is right behind, now being recognized as the second largest retail holiday after Xmas. And now, our dear, sweet, not-so-innocent Day of Saint Valentine's, falls prey to rampant consumerism.
Worse yet, the adverts are blatantly sexist.
"Buy HER the gift SHE's always wanted."
"Make sure SHE knows how much you love HER."
Don't believe me? Listen again. Sexist. Consumerism I can almost stomach because it knows no prejudice, but sexism don't fly.
Of course, Steak and BJ Day is the outcome of this silliness and a half-hearted attempt to return balance to the equation. But it's like handing someone a hundred dollars and then punching them in the face. It might balance out, but it still isn't acceptable.
The current state of Valentine's Day has become as trite and offensive as "Steak and BJ Day"
Don't like it? Good. Then don't accept it. Don't tolerate it. Don't feed it, and it will die.
What makes me more sad is that we need a holiday as a reminder to cherish our loved ones.
Blog on,
-CZ
1 Comments
Permalink
Americans have this uncanny knack for working the money-angle on any concept, even one as noble as a holiday for celebrating love. You hear the commercials as well as I do, they are all but unavoidable, and all of them with their same, sick message; If you love your female (yes Female, but I'll get to that in a min...) partner, then you need to prove it with cash.
How vulgar! How ludicrous! How asinine!
How American.
They took Christmas a long time ago. Halloween is right behind, now being recognized as the second largest retail holiday after Xmas. And now, our dear, sweet, not-so-innocent Day of Saint Valentine's, falls prey to rampant consumerism.
Worse yet, the adverts are blatantly sexist.
"Buy HER the gift SHE's always wanted."
"Make sure SHE knows how much you love HER."
Don't believe me? Listen again. Sexist. Consumerism I can almost stomach because it knows no prejudice, but sexism don't fly.
Of course, Steak and BJ Day is the outcome of this silliness and a half-hearted attempt to return balance to the equation. But it's like handing someone a hundred dollars and then punching them in the face. It might balance out, but it still isn't acceptable.
The current state of Valentine's Day has become as trite and offensive as "Steak and BJ Day"
Don't like it? Good. Then don't accept it. Don't tolerate it. Don't feed it, and it will die.
What makes me more sad is that we need a holiday as a reminder to cherish our loved ones.
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: americans, anti, consumerism, holidays
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Chop off the Long Tail
All right, Everybody out of the fucking Internet Pool, it's time for a talk.
No more using the phrase 'long tail'
I fucking mean it. You, you, you Internet People (and You know of whom I speak) need to dial it back. I've never read so many people going out of their way, I mean WAY out of their way to use a useless phrase before.
And Bruce? Yes you, Mr. Springsteen. I see you are still trying to be the Voice of America. I told you to knock that shit off back when you tried to cash in on the 9-11 tragedy. Let's not have me tell you again, shall we? Your punishment is to go here and click on The Trooper, and listen to some Real music.
And while yer at it, write Rolling Stone some hate mail too. They proclaimed Stadium Arcadium as the second best album of 2006. I know 2006 was a shit year for music, but it wasn't That bad.
Sorry to laden you with homework, but you also should check this out.
Thanks to Jeff for the linkage...
Blog on,
-CZ
2 Comments
Permalink
No more using the phrase 'long tail'
I fucking mean it. You, you, you Internet People (and You know of whom I speak) need to dial it back. I've never read so many people going out of their way, I mean WAY out of their way to use a useless phrase before.
And Bruce? Yes you, Mr. Springsteen. I see you are still trying to be the Voice of America. I told you to knock that shit off back when you tried to cash in on the 9-11 tragedy. Let's not have me tell you again, shall we? Your punishment is to go here and click on The Trooper, and listen to some Real music.
And while yer at it, write Rolling Stone some hate mail too. They proclaimed Stadium Arcadium as the second best album of 2006. I know 2006 was a shit year for music, but it wasn't That bad.
Sorry to laden you with homework, but you also should check this out.
Thanks to Jeff for the linkage...
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: anti, music, music reviews
Friday, January 26, 2007
Blood and Chocolate
Looks like someone is trying to make a movie that's worse than Bloodrayne.
Blog on,
-CZ
3 Comments
Permalink
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: anti, Hollywood, Movie News, movie reviews, new release
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
A.S.S. Association of Stupid Sitizens
I wasn't aware that gamerz needed a "voice". Aparrently, the Entertainment Consumers Association at www.right2game.com thinks they do. Their adverts and website claim yet another version of 'the Man keeping us down' and suggest you supplement the cause.
Is there a demographic left that doesn't have it's own political platform? Some organization put together as fast as they can slap a 3-letter acronym on it, so people can "Make their voice heard" and "defend against threatening political activity"?
I have an idea - since over 90 percent of Americans are idiots, I came to the realization that their needs aren't being met by the government. I have invented an assocation for them, (literally, I just now thought this up) the A.S.S. which stands for Assocation for Stupid Sitizins. The odds are good that someone you know is an idiot (YOU of course, are not an idiot, YOU are an intelligent, thoughtful, bright, and uber-cool individual, for the simple fact that you read this blog.)
The A.S.S. is here to represent Stupid People, and make sure that their voice can be heard, preserve their right to be idiots, and that they receive the freedoms they are entitled to. Just send me money, and I will make sure that the Idiots of America have a voice. Because if anyone is qualified to be a 'Voice' for the American Idiot, it's me.
I'm Conrad Zero, and I approve this message.
Blog on,
-CZ
2 Comments
Permalink
Is there a demographic left that doesn't have it's own political platform? Some organization put together as fast as they can slap a 3-letter acronym on it, so people can "Make their voice heard" and "defend against threatening political activity"?
I have an idea - since over 90 percent of Americans are idiots, I came to the realization that their needs aren't being met by the government. I have invented an assocation for them, (literally, I just now thought this up) the A.S.S. which stands for Assocation for Stupid Sitizins. The odds are good that someone you know is an idiot (YOU of course, are not an idiot, YOU are an intelligent, thoughtful, bright, and uber-cool individual, for the simple fact that you read this blog.)
The A.S.S. is here to represent Stupid People, and make sure that their voice can be heard, preserve their right to be idiots, and that they receive the freedoms they are entitled to. Just send me money, and I will make sure that the Idiots of America have a voice. Because if anyone is qualified to be a 'Voice' for the American Idiot, it's me.
I'm Conrad Zero, and I approve this message.
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: anti, political, Video Games
Monday, January 08, 2007
I want to work for Guitar Center
So one of those ridiculous Guitar Center ads came on the radio last week, proclaiming "Musicians, if you have 39 bucks, or your mom, girlfriend, or life partner has 39 bucks..."
...well, you've heard the commercials. Anyways, they mentioned a sale (this weekend only, of course) Ibanez Bass Guitars were Half Off! This is significant, especially for someone I know who is in the market for an Ibanez Bass Guitar. Me.
So I bopped down to the Guitar Center in Edina. After half an hour of trying to find someone to help me, I asked them about the sale. They had not heard of any sale on Bass Guitars, much less on Ibanez Bass Guitars. "Nope, sorry dude."
So I sahsayed up to Guitar Center in Roseville. They had not heard of the sale either. "Hmm, I don't know, dude. The prices are listed on each guitar..."
Can't find it on their website, so I chatted with a Guitar Center rep online, and explained the situation. His response?
"I haven't heard of it either, sorry."
Wow, that's um, awesome. Thanks for the non-help. By the way, you forgot to call me 'dude'.
I'm not P.O.ed that they hadn't heard of the sale. I'm not P.O.ed that perhaps the radio station played the wrong commercial, or the sale Guitar Center was supposed to have was not communicated to the stores properly, or whatever happened. I'm P.O.ed that the employees didn't expend an ounce of energy beyond mumbling, "Huh, sorry dude..."
So I've decided that I want to work for Guitar Center. Think about it,
-no drug testing
-no background checks
-no experience necessary
-no brains necessary
-no motivation necessary
I honestly wish MARS music had not gone out of business. G.C. needs some competition to keep them on their toes. (And Schmitt Music? Wow, um, yeah, right, ...dude). I would much rather give my business to Mom and Pop music stores, but finding a good one is a challenge.
Blog on,
-CZ
2 Comments
Permalink
...well, you've heard the commercials. Anyways, they mentioned a sale (this weekend only, of course) Ibanez Bass Guitars were Half Off! This is significant, especially for someone I know who is in the market for an Ibanez Bass Guitar. Me.
So I bopped down to the Guitar Center in Edina. After half an hour of trying to find someone to help me, I asked them about the sale. They had not heard of any sale on Bass Guitars, much less on Ibanez Bass Guitars. "Nope, sorry dude."
So I sahsayed up to Guitar Center in Roseville. They had not heard of the sale either. "Hmm, I don't know, dude. The prices are listed on each guitar..."
Can't find it on their website, so I chatted with a Guitar Center rep online, and explained the situation. His response?
"I haven't heard of it either, sorry."
Wow, that's um, awesome. Thanks for the non-help. By the way, you forgot to call me 'dude'.
I'm not P.O.ed that they hadn't heard of the sale. I'm not P.O.ed that perhaps the radio station played the wrong commercial, or the sale Guitar Center was supposed to have was not communicated to the stores properly, or whatever happened. I'm P.O.ed that the employees didn't expend an ounce of energy beyond mumbling, "Huh, sorry dude..."
So I've decided that I want to work for Guitar Center. Think about it,
-no drug testing
-no background checks
-no experience necessary
-no brains necessary
-no motivation necessary
I honestly wish MARS music had not gone out of business. G.C. needs some competition to keep them on their toes. (And Schmitt Music? Wow, um, yeah, right, ...dude). I would much rather give my business to Mom and Pop music stores, but finding a good one is a challenge.
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: anti, consumerism, idiots
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Youparklikeanasshole.com
Not much to explain, really. Useful, intuitive design. Wonderfully executed.
Make sure to download/printout the infraction forms and keep them in your glovebox for violators.
Blog on,
-CZ
0 Comments
Permalink
Make sure to download/printout the infraction forms and keep them in your glovebox for violators.
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: anti, Cool Website, Etiquette, idiots
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Rated X-mas
I can almost hear the Entire Americanized Christmas Industry, as thought it were comprised of thousands of leeches, howling with hunger, and poised to suck the capitol-blood right out of the consumers wallet-veins.
Who ever thought that a non-refundable expiring line of credit good at only one business would make a good gift?
http://www.ihatechristmas.com/ is spammed out with a bunch of (ready for this?) Advertisements for THINGS TO BUY.
the songs... can anyone, someone, please write a new christmas song? This is closer, but still rehashing or mashing the old stuff. Same here.
Ah well, the lights are pretty, and the kids seem to like it.
So let's all take a moment to remember the True Meaning of Christmas - A Christian attempt to displace the pagan ritual of Yule by taking the Biblical god and dressing him (sorry, Him) up in spandex and fishnet, then saying he looks like The Earth Mother...
Flame on,
-CZ
0 Comments
Permalink
Who ever thought that a non-refundable expiring line of credit good at only one business would make a good gift?
http://www.ihatechristmas.com/ is spammed out with a bunch of (ready for this?) Advertisements for THINGS TO BUY.
the songs... can anyone, someone, please write a new christmas song? This is closer, but still rehashing or mashing the old stuff. Same here.
Ah well, the lights are pretty, and the kids seem to like it.
So let's all take a moment to remember the True Meaning of Christmas - A Christian attempt to displace the pagan ritual of Yule by taking the Biblical god and dressing him (sorry, Him) up in spandex and fishnet, then saying he looks like The Earth Mother...
Flame on,
-CZ
Labels: americans, anti, consumerism, holidays
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Inner Rebel or, How 2 write right
I distinctly remember at a rather large Easter gathering, my aunt Ginny stood and seemed to speak for the entire Family (possibly the entire Human Race) when she yelled at me,
"If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump off a cliff too?"
Without a millisecond of pause, I said (With an equal amount of volume and grandoiseness)
"Does that mean if all Your friends did Not jump off a cliff, then you Would?"
I think that was the last time my Aunt Ginny ever spoke to me. I think I was eight.
My gut-reaction-response surprised even me, because it implied that rebellousness is not always the answer. Sometimes everyone does things because it's just the right thing to do, like eating oatmeal. (Ask Wilford Brimley)
Since I didn't retain the lesson, I needed to be taught it again. So, during a period of my life when I felt severely unappreciated, I decided, in a fluster of rebellousness, that I would run away from home. I talked this plan over with my good friend, The Gooch, and he kindly volunteered the underneath of his stairs as a good place to sit tight for a day or two, and i could eat leftovers, of which he assured me there were plenty. My mom would worry and cry, and I would return home with a story of aliens or ninjas, (something I would make up while hiding out), and for a day or two of suffering, I would gain a newfound appreciation from my family, and probably sell the book rights later on.
I realized that I could get the same effect with a lot less work if I simply dropped a hint that I was thinking of leaving, (and I wouldn't have to eat leftovers.) So, I asked my mother how she would feel if I ran away from home.
"I would be very sad," she said seriously, "but I wouldn't let you come back."
"Um, what?" I asked, as my brain sifted through my finely-laid plan to come up with a workaround for this rather large loophole.
"Well," she said, "if you weren't happy here, I certainly wouldn't want you to live here. Why do you ask?"
"Oh, just wondering 's all."
When she called my bluff, I was reminded that rebelousness isn't always the answer. Hey, even if I was unappreciated, the food and lodging were still better than the alternative.
But you can imagine what I think when people tell me 'how to write right'.
Don't do [fill in the blank]
Always [fill in the blank]
And Never, Ever [fill in the blank]
For instance, 'never end a sentence with a preposition' What the hell is that about? Prepositions are wonderful things to end a sentence with. I don't agree that isn't what they should be used for. As a matter of fact, it's something I use lots of. In the Upper Midwest, it is something people are very used to. It's certainly nothing to get upset about.
Most of this ALWAYS and NEVER pesudo-info comes from people with experience or authority in the matter. People like this for instance. Ah well, you have to sift through the ALWAYS and NEVER comments, and realize them for what they are. Opinions.
I think it's the people who break the ALWAYS and NEVER rules who start the new trends which are accepted are hailed as the visionaries later on. Those who start new trends that fail are called crackpots.
Blog on,
-CZ
4 Comments
Permalink
"If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump off a cliff too?"
Without a millisecond of pause, I said (With an equal amount of volume and grandoiseness)
"Does that mean if all Your friends did Not jump off a cliff, then you Would?"
I think that was the last time my Aunt Ginny ever spoke to me. I think I was eight.
My gut-reaction-response surprised even me, because it implied that rebellousness is not always the answer. Sometimes everyone does things because it's just the right thing to do, like eating oatmeal. (Ask Wilford Brimley)
Since I didn't retain the lesson, I needed to be taught it again. So, during a period of my life when I felt severely unappreciated, I decided, in a fluster of rebellousness, that I would run away from home. I talked this plan over with my good friend, The Gooch, and he kindly volunteered the underneath of his stairs as a good place to sit tight for a day or two, and i could eat leftovers, of which he assured me there were plenty. My mom would worry and cry, and I would return home with a story of aliens or ninjas, (something I would make up while hiding out), and for a day or two of suffering, I would gain a newfound appreciation from my family, and probably sell the book rights later on.
I realized that I could get the same effect with a lot less work if I simply dropped a hint that I was thinking of leaving, (and I wouldn't have to eat leftovers.) So, I asked my mother how she would feel if I ran away from home.
"I would be very sad," she said seriously, "but I wouldn't let you come back."
"Um, what?" I asked, as my brain sifted through my finely-laid plan to come up with a workaround for this rather large loophole.
"Well," she said, "if you weren't happy here, I certainly wouldn't want you to live here. Why do you ask?"
"Oh, just wondering 's all."
When she called my bluff, I was reminded that rebelousness isn't always the answer. Hey, even if I was unappreciated, the food and lodging were still better than the alternative.
But you can imagine what I think when people tell me 'how to write right'.
Don't do [fill in the blank]
Always [fill in the blank]
And Never, Ever [fill in the blank]
For instance, 'never end a sentence with a preposition' What the hell is that about? Prepositions are wonderful things to end a sentence with. I don't agree that isn't what they should be used for. As a matter of fact, it's something I use lots of. In the Upper Midwest, it is something people are very used to. It's certainly nothing to get upset about.
Most of this ALWAYS and NEVER pesudo-info comes from people with experience or authority in the matter. People like this for instance. Ah well, you have to sift through the ALWAYS and NEVER comments, and realize them for what they are. Opinions.
I think it's the people who break the ALWAYS and NEVER rules who start the new trends which are accepted are hailed as the visionaries later on. Those who start new trends that fail are called crackpots.
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: A Day In The Life, anti, Writing
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Halloween Costume Choices
I'm working up a costume for Halloween. Those of you who saw me in 2004 as Marilyn Manson or last year as 'the Ghost of John Wayne' know that I spend more time and prep on this pagan holiday in one year than I have on all Easters combined.
I have two thoughts about Halloween. If you are going to a Halloween party, then you need to wear a costume. That's the point. If you aren't going to wear a costume then stay at home. (And don't be like my neighbors the Jehovah's Witnesses, and pretend you aren't at home. That is bullshit, and you deserve every roll of T.P. that you end up with.)
Furthermore, Halloween should be scary at best, creepy if possible, and surreal at the very least. If the kids wanna dress up like Spider-man that's great. But we already have plenty of 'Holidays' throughout the year that are filled with rainbows, princesses, and cute fucking bunnies. Enough. Come on people, it's Fall, and the land is dying all around you. The dead are here, walking the earth, and if you don't 'treat' them, they will 'trick' you.
And you decide to dress like a pirate.
Like I said, that's pretty surreal, so that's OK in my book. But when the forces of Evil come to my door, my costume is going to scare the piss out of them. So what if I have to clean Satan's piss off my front step? I'll be laughing while I do it.
Anyway, I was just reading about the most popular costume choices for Halloween, and I noticed several things 'wrong with this picture' I will point out a few of them, your homework is to find the remaining 348.
First, why is 'Princess' topping the list for costumes for kids, and 'Witch' is the top costume for Adults? I think this says something about the American Subconscious. Could it be that all little girls are taught (or inbred with) the desire to be rich, beautiful, loved, (and helplessly dependent on some strong, handsome male figure) just like in every God-Damned Disney Film Ever Made? This might explain why 'Red Cross Volunteer' did not make the list. Then again, I don't really speak fashion. Anyone care to interpret for me?
Second, Why are 'Disney Princesses' counted separately from 'Princesses'? Hmm? WTF? A princess is a princess is a princess.
Third, Why is 'Dracula' not counted among the 'Vampires'? Hmm? WTFFF? A vampire is a vampire is a freaking vampire, and not a one of them frightening in the least. I notice they didn't differentiate between 'Butt-Ugly-Witches-With-A-Wart-On-Their-Nose' and the 'Smokin-Hot-Sexy-Witches' which is a HUGE difference, when compared to differentiating Dracula from all other Vampires.
Fourth, Why in the name of all that is flippin good in the world, why are more adults dressing as 'Pumpkins' than as 'French Maids'? This makes me sad.
Blog on,
-CZ
1 Comments
Permalink
I have two thoughts about Halloween. If you are going to a Halloween party, then you need to wear a costume. That's the point. If you aren't going to wear a costume then stay at home. (And don't be like my neighbors the Jehovah's Witnesses, and pretend you aren't at home. That is bullshit, and you deserve every roll of T.P. that you end up with.)
Furthermore, Halloween should be scary at best, creepy if possible, and surreal at the very least. If the kids wanna dress up like Spider-man that's great. But we already have plenty of 'Holidays' throughout the year that are filled with rainbows, princesses, and cute fucking bunnies. Enough. Come on people, it's Fall, and the land is dying all around you. The dead are here, walking the earth, and if you don't 'treat' them, they will 'trick' you.
And you decide to dress like a pirate.
Like I said, that's pretty surreal, so that's OK in my book. But when the forces of Evil come to my door, my costume is going to scare the piss out of them. So what if I have to clean Satan's piss off my front step? I'll be laughing while I do it.
Anyway, I was just reading about the most popular costume choices for Halloween, and I noticed several things 'wrong with this picture' I will point out a few of them, your homework is to find the remaining 348.
First, why is 'Princess' topping the list for costumes for kids, and 'Witch' is the top costume for Adults? I think this says something about the American Subconscious. Could it be that all little girls are taught (or inbred with) the desire to be rich, beautiful, loved, (and helplessly dependent on some strong, handsome male figure) just like in every God-Damned Disney Film Ever Made? This might explain why 'Red Cross Volunteer' did not make the list. Then again, I don't really speak fashion. Anyone care to interpret for me?
Second, Why are 'Disney Princesses' counted separately from 'Princesses'? Hmm? WTF? A princess is a princess is a princess.
Third, Why is 'Dracula' not counted among the 'Vampires'? Hmm? WTFFF? A vampire is a vampire is a freaking vampire, and not a one of them frightening in the least. I notice they didn't differentiate between 'Butt-Ugly-Witches-With-A-Wart-On-Their-Nose' and the 'Smokin-Hot-Sexy-Witches' which is a HUGE difference, when compared to differentiating Dracula from all other Vampires.
Fourth, Why in the name of all that is flippin good in the world, why are more adults dressing as 'Pumpkins' than as 'French Maids'? This makes me sad.
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: americans, anti, Cultural Observation, rant
Monday, August 28, 2006
Self Checkout Evaluation Form
Another fine experience with the self-checkout, this time at Home Depot, where they fired all the checkout people and tried to replace them with a finicky machine, and tried to get consumers to interface with the fucking thing.
Seems to me that they could take that person who greets you at the door with applications for Home Depot Credit Cards and move him over to the checkout lanes, but I guess they would rather pay him to stand and look sad if you don't take one. (Actually had one of them tell me he had a quota of those things to give away... Man, is that ever low.)
It surprises me that they don't have vendors selling snacks in the checkout lines, I mean, people get hungry/thirsty after a while, but I guess they do have candy bars and pop near the checkout. Is it OK to open a diet coke and drink it before you have paid for it? What if I ate a couple bananas and kept the peels for the self checkout? Would that be OK?
Anyways, I thought it would be fun to stand at the Exit of businesses using self-checkout, and hand out questionaires to gather consumer opinions. Since I would more likely be shot than applauded for such actions, (by surly customers who just survived the Hell Of Self Checkout) I figured it was safer (and easier, let's be honest) to release the survey form on the interweb, and you can print them out on a day where you aren't quite as crabby as I am, and fill them out in all honesty, and drop them off at the shops that think it is OK to cut back on staff and have you do all the work.
Download and print out this handy form:
Self Checkout Eval Form.pdf
Thanks much to WalMart (and those who shop there) for reducing the cost of goods to the point where businesses have to cut back employees and have the customers fill in for them.
Blog on,
-CZ
2 Comments
Permalink
Seems to me that they could take that person who greets you at the door with applications for Home Depot Credit Cards and move him over to the checkout lanes, but I guess they would rather pay him to stand and look sad if you don't take one. (Actually had one of them tell me he had a quota of those things to give away... Man, is that ever low.)
It surprises me that they don't have vendors selling snacks in the checkout lines, I mean, people get hungry/thirsty after a while, but I guess they do have candy bars and pop near the checkout. Is it OK to open a diet coke and drink it before you have paid for it? What if I ate a couple bananas and kept the peels for the self checkout? Would that be OK?
Anyways, I thought it would be fun to stand at the Exit of businesses using self-checkout, and hand out questionaires to gather consumer opinions. Since I would more likely be shot than applauded for such actions, (by surly customers who just survived the Hell Of Self Checkout) I figured it was safer (and easier, let's be honest) to release the survey form on the interweb, and you can print them out on a day where you aren't quite as crabby as I am, and fill them out in all honesty, and drop them off at the shops that think it is OK to cut back on staff and have you do all the work.
Download and print out this handy form:
Self Checkout Eval Form.pdf
Thanks much to WalMart (and those who shop there) for reducing the cost of goods to the point where businesses have to cut back employees and have the customers fill in for them.
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: anti, Business Phenomena, consumerism
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
The End Is Near: Thank God!
Not sure yet if this site was meant to scare people with the perpetual knowledge that the entire Mulitverse might shut down Any Fucking Minute Now...
...or to cheer up people like me, who can't wait for Universal Retirement.
Those who didn't think the end was coming, I give you:
Obvious Signs of the End Of Days
- Metal Emo (WTF?)
- The Existence of Marilyn Manson
- The Existance of Mark Mallman
- The Existance of a musical genre called "Hip-Hop"
- The Existance of Ringtones for The Fray's 'Over My Head'
- The fact that Dashboard Confessional has more 'friends' than Motorhead
Blog on,
-CZ
0 Comments
Permalink
...or to cheer up people like me, who can't wait for Universal Retirement.
Those who didn't think the end was coming, I give you:
Obvious Signs of the End Of Days
- Metal Emo (WTF?)
- The Existence of Marilyn Manson
- The Existance of Mark Mallman
- The Existance of a musical genre called "Hip-Hop"
- The Existance of Ringtones for The Fray's 'Over My Head'
- The fact that Dashboard Confessional has more 'friends' than Motorhead
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: americans, anti, Predictions
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Chris Carrabba, Please Die Now, You Putz. Love, Conrad
Had you cut out just the quotes from this interview with the front "man" from the "band" Dashboard Confessional, I probably couldn't have guessed who it was; just another self-important putz with nothing of interest to say. (Then again, who wouldn't feel important, being interviewed by Rolling Stone?)
But with the knowledge that it was THE Chris Carrabba, every word he says just puts my glaven in a twist.
Just to make sure I wasn't just being subjective about the whole thing and just blogging my bloody opinions (I mean, like, who would read that?) I wrote a quick music analyzer program and ran Dashboard Confessional's latest work through it.
***********************************
****OBJECTIVE MUSIC ANALYZER*******
********** Ver 0.01 ***************
*
*SCAN TYPE
* [Full]
*
*BAND NAME
* [Dashboard Confessional]
*
*TALENT / ABILITY
* [None]
*
*TALENT / ABILITY RECHECK
* [None Whatsoever]
*
*ORIGINALITY
* [Borderline Genius] Who knew that
* whiny, talentless music was a genre?
* Who would have thought that you could
* continually rhyme the words "I", "Me",
* and "My" over and over and over again?
* While we all knew that every word rhymes
* with itself, no one before had dreamed
* of using that feature to write songs.
* You have definitely pushed the envelope.
*
*ATTITUDE
* [Strong / Narcissistic] It is clear you
* believe yourself to be important, as you are the subject of
* every one of your own songs. Good use of first
* person personal pronouns. Good ability to
* take your boring everday occurances and hurt
* your listeners with them, almost on the same
* level as Bruce Springsteen.
*
*PERFORMANCE
* [Unable to Compute] You have trancended the
* barriers of what people percieve as "good" or "bad"
* You know that things like pitch,
* tempo, rhythm, meter, harmony, key, and melody
* are only limitations imposed by others who
* don't know better, and impediments to your songcraft.
*
*OVERALL
* [Your "Rock" Sucks Rocks] Your music is a fetid
* dogturd stuck to the heel of the music industry.
* It could be used to sanitize bathrooms, or cure cancer,
* since every living thing exposed to it dies a slow
* painful death from the inside out. Probably violates
* the Geneva Convention.
*
***********END OF REPORT************
************************************
There you have it. Objective proof.
Blog on,
-CZ
0 Comments
Permalink
But with the knowledge that it was THE Chris Carrabba, every word he says just puts my glaven in a twist.
Just to make sure I wasn't just being subjective about the whole thing and just blogging my bloody opinions (I mean, like, who would read that?) I wrote a quick music analyzer program and ran Dashboard Confessional's latest work through it.
***********************************
****OBJECTIVE MUSIC ANALYZER*******
********** Ver 0.01 ***************
*
*SCAN TYPE
* [Full]
*
*BAND NAME
* [Dashboard Confessional]
*
*TALENT / ABILITY
* [None]
*
*TALENT / ABILITY RECHECK
* [None Whatsoever]
*
*ORIGINALITY
* [Borderline Genius] Who knew that
* whiny, talentless music was a genre?
* Who would have thought that you could
* continually rhyme the words "I", "Me",
* and "My" over and over and over again?
* While we all knew that every word rhymes
* with itself, no one before had dreamed
* of using that feature to write songs.
* You have definitely pushed the envelope.
*
*ATTITUDE
* [Strong / Narcissistic] It is clear you
* believe yourself to be important, as you are the subject of
* every one of your own songs. Good use of first
* person personal pronouns. Good ability to
* take your boring everday occurances and hurt
* your listeners with them, almost on the same
* level as Bruce Springsteen.
*
*PERFORMANCE
* [Unable to Compute] You have trancended the
* barriers of what people percieve as "good" or "bad"
* You know that things like pitch,
* tempo, rhythm, meter, harmony, key, and melody
* are only limitations imposed by others who
* don't know better, and impediments to your songcraft.
*
*OVERALL
* [Your "Rock" Sucks Rocks] Your music is a fetid
* dogturd stuck to the heel of the music industry.
* It could be used to sanitize bathrooms, or cure cancer,
* since every living thing exposed to it dies a slow
* painful death from the inside out. Probably violates
* the Geneva Convention.
*
***********END OF REPORT************
************************************
There you have it. Objective proof.
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: anti, Dashboard Confessional Sucks, Emo Sucks, music reviews
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
MN - Land of 10,000 Dickheads?
I stopped in at the drugstore (S.A.) in order to score (purchase) some non-prescription uppers (Jolt Cherry Bomb Cola) and in the middle of negotiations (while standing in line at the checkout) some strange cat (dude) bursts in the door, and in a casually-cruel tone directed at the two ladies behind the counter says, "Your fucking gas pumps don't work for shit, so I'm taking my business someplace else."
His attitude was so leisurely about the whole thing, and the women's reaction to it was so mild, I thought they must know him from somewhere. I laughed, and so did both ladies behind the counter and the two other people in line. Then the guy turned and stormed out. I turned to the person behind the counter and she just shook her head. I still couldn't tell exactly what had just happened. Maybe he was a mentally disturbed person making his daily circuit? Perhaps it was a coworker, trying to be funny? An out-of-work Improv actor who, at any moment, would come bursting back in with another strange persona?
"Was that guy serious?" I asked, still smiling.
"Afraid so," was the reply.
My smile faded. Strange how she wasn't surprised at all. "How, um, how often does *that* happen?"
"Every day."
"Yeah," the other lady chimed in, "at *least* once a day."
I suddenly felt the way I imagine Neo felt swallowing the red pill and having the veil of falseness ripped out from between himself and the rest of the world. Except maybe divide that by a couple million, but still... At least once per day, some dickhead takes out their aggression on the people behind the counter? AT LEAST ONCE PER DAY? Wow. This is what I'm talking about when I use the term Americans as a derogatory adjective.
If you have bad service, or receive bad product, or have a bad experience at a business, here are some things you can do that Don't entail wrecking the day of someone right out of High School who works for minimum wage and has to deal with dickheads like You all day...
1- Write a letter. Leave a letter for the manager, and let them know what a bad experience you had. This assumes you know how to write, you dickhead.
2- Send an e-mail. This assumes you have access to a computer, or at least a friend who has access to a computer. If you weren't such a dickhead, you might actually have some friends who would help you with this.
3- Ask to see the manager, and ask him/her what he/she is going to do about this problem. This is a huge pain in the ass, I know. But, the manager is the only one who gets paid to give a crap about making complaining dickheads like you happy. The manager is also the only one who might give a crap and do something about your complaint. Otherwise you are wasting your breath. The people behind the counter just laugh at you. The ones who aren't dickheads themselves will wait until after you are gone to laugh at you.
4- Don't Patronize That Place of Business. This one is the easiest, and even a dickhead like you should be able to pull this one off.
5- Don't Patronize That Place of Business and Tell Everyone You Know Not To Patronize It Either. I was recently at the CC Club and watched some positively Horrendous service in action from two separate bartenders. I know of some people (non-dickheads, in case you were wondering) who are going to #5 that place big time.
6 - Realize That There Are Other Dickheads In The World Besides Yourself, And Some Of Them Work In The Customer Service Industry. And you might just hold back judgement of an entire business based on your experience with one person. Just like everyone else should hold back judgement of your family based on their experience with a dickhead like you.
Every fucking day. Wow.
Blog on,
-CZ
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His attitude was so leisurely about the whole thing, and the women's reaction to it was so mild, I thought they must know him from somewhere. I laughed, and so did both ladies behind the counter and the two other people in line. Then the guy turned and stormed out. I turned to the person behind the counter and she just shook her head. I still couldn't tell exactly what had just happened. Maybe he was a mentally disturbed person making his daily circuit? Perhaps it was a coworker, trying to be funny? An out-of-work Improv actor who, at any moment, would come bursting back in with another strange persona?
"Was that guy serious?" I asked, still smiling.
"Afraid so," was the reply.
My smile faded. Strange how she wasn't surprised at all. "How, um, how often does *that* happen?"
"Every day."
"Yeah," the other lady chimed in, "at *least* once a day."
I suddenly felt the way I imagine Neo felt swallowing the red pill and having the veil of falseness ripped out from between himself and the rest of the world. Except maybe divide that by a couple million, but still... At least once per day, some dickhead takes out their aggression on the people behind the counter? AT LEAST ONCE PER DAY? Wow. This is what I'm talking about when I use the term Americans as a derogatory adjective.
If you have bad service, or receive bad product, or have a bad experience at a business, here are some things you can do that Don't entail wrecking the day of someone right out of High School who works for minimum wage and has to deal with dickheads like You all day...
1- Write a letter. Leave a letter for the manager, and let them know what a bad experience you had. This assumes you know how to write, you dickhead.
2- Send an e-mail. This assumes you have access to a computer, or at least a friend who has access to a computer. If you weren't such a dickhead, you might actually have some friends who would help you with this.
3- Ask to see the manager, and ask him/her what he/she is going to do about this problem. This is a huge pain in the ass, I know. But, the manager is the only one who gets paid to give a crap about making complaining dickheads like you happy. The manager is also the only one who might give a crap and do something about your complaint. Otherwise you are wasting your breath. The people behind the counter just laugh at you. The ones who aren't dickheads themselves will wait until after you are gone to laugh at you.
4- Don't Patronize That Place of Business. This one is the easiest, and even a dickhead like you should be able to pull this one off.
5- Don't Patronize That Place of Business and Tell Everyone You Know Not To Patronize It Either. I was recently at the CC Club and watched some positively Horrendous service in action from two separate bartenders. I know of some people (non-dickheads, in case you were wondering) who are going to #5 that place big time.
6 - Realize That There Are Other Dickheads In The World Besides Yourself, And Some Of Them Work In The Customer Service Industry. And you might just hold back judgement of an entire business based on your experience with one person. Just like everyone else should hold back judgement of your family based on their experience with a dickhead like you.
Every fucking day. Wow.
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: americans, anti, Business Phenomena, Etiquette
Open Letter to Lame Assholes (L.A.)
I'm hard on Californians, but they deserve it, especially l.a.
For example: When faced with the fact that the 48-hour film project drew more teams in Minneapolis than in l.a. making Minneapolis the third largest draw in the nation, what did they do?
They did what any narrow-minded pack of self-important shitheads would do, they cheated. They reopened registration until they had more teams than Minneapolis. After all, you wouldn't want people thinking there were more creative and talented people in Minisoda of all fucking places...
Open Letter to l.a. - FUCK YOU you bunch of worthless hack cheaters! Your city falling into the ocean would be a refreshing herbal enema for the United States.
See you down in Arizona Bay,
-CZ
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For example: When faced with the fact that the 48-hour film project drew more teams in Minneapolis than in l.a. making Minneapolis the third largest draw in the nation, what did they do?
They did what any narrow-minded pack of self-important shitheads would do, they cheated. They reopened registration until they had more teams than Minneapolis. After all, you wouldn't want people thinking there were more creative and talented people in Minisoda of all fucking places...
Open Letter to l.a. - FUCK YOU you bunch of worthless hack cheaters! Your city falling into the ocean would be a refreshing herbal enema for the United States.
See you down in Arizona Bay,
-CZ
Labels: anti, indie movies, Minneapolis Event, rant, Videos
Sunday, June 25, 2006
The Red Hot Chili Peppers...
...are the physical embodiment of everything I don't like about California.
I've heard more about this annoying band than I have actually heard of their music, and that would be a lot, and certainly not of my choosing.
The only human being who has tried harder to be cool was James Woods in the movie Vampires.
The mixture of narcissistic-cool and overzealous-gregariousness reminds me of a dog that keeps trying to hump your leg, determined that you might enjoy it if you just give in. More like a dog that tries to hump it's own leg, because it thinks it is so cool, and it thinks you should watch.
This is overlooking the obvious fact that their music sucks. All shallow hooks with no substance. I guess if I liked their music, I would find their pretentiousness amusing instead of annoying. Not to say that they aren't talented, but there are many talented musicians who can't write a good song to save their egos - in this case, four of them.
No doubt the RHCP were the Village People of the 90's, but now-a-days, you have to be more glaringly über-overzealously-gregarious to steal the spotlight.
Case in point: Meet the Village People of the 2000s.
Blog on,
-CZ
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I've heard more about this annoying band than I have actually heard of their music, and that would be a lot, and certainly not of my choosing.
The only human being who has tried harder to be cool was James Woods in the movie Vampires.
The mixture of narcissistic-cool and overzealous-gregariousness reminds me of a dog that keeps trying to hump your leg, determined that you might enjoy it if you just give in. More like a dog that tries to hump it's own leg, because it thinks it is so cool, and it thinks you should watch.
This is overlooking the obvious fact that their music sucks. All shallow hooks with no substance. I guess if I liked their music, I would find their pretentiousness amusing instead of annoying. Not to say that they aren't talented, but there are many talented musicians who can't write a good song to save their egos - in this case, four of them.
No doubt the RHCP were the Village People of the 90's, but now-a-days, you have to be more glaringly über-overzealously-gregarious to steal the spotlight.
Case in point: Meet the Village People of the 2000s.
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: anti, music reviews
Friday, June 02, 2006
Why marketers should be strangled to death with their own entrails
You knew it would'nt take long before someone would ask him/herself, "How can I make money from my blog?" Of course the obvious answer is to charge for advertising space, but that requires hits. Hits you and me don't have (especially me). Hence, a barrage of wondrous tips from copyblogger on how to improve your readership.
I was expecting intuitive, common sense tips, like "Having Something New And Interesting To Say" is a good one, "Know What The Hell You're Talking About" is another, "Being In Good Grammers And Speling" goes without saying. But instead, we get this quote, directly from here
Right. As though the rest were elementary, and simply having the correct headline will MAKE people buy your product. Priceless.
The best part is that this is not only talking about how to market, IT IS MARKETING! The very text of the article is pitching this stupid idea/product to you the reader/target. Genius in its approach, and idiotic in content. Classic marketing.
One tip I did try out with this post was to make a title which would pull people in. (also known as a 'hook') and maybe it worked if you are reading this now.
So I subscribed to the RSS feed, not because I expect to boost the ratings of my humble blog, but because it is So Easy to make fun of people like this. So I should have no shortage of material in the near future...
Thanks to lifehacker.com for the linkage...mostly.
Blog on,
-CZ
0 Comments
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I was expecting intuitive, common sense tips, like "Having Something New And Interesting To Say" is a good one, "Know What The Hell You're Talking About" is another, "Being In Good Grammers And Speling" goes without saying. But instead, we get this quote, directly from here
- The Purpose of your Headline is to get the First Sentence read.
- The Purpose of the First Sentence is to get the Second Sentence read.
- And so on, down a slippery slide that leads to your offer and the sale.
Right. As though the rest were elementary, and simply having the correct headline will MAKE people buy your product. Priceless.
The best part is that this is not only talking about how to market, IT IS MARKETING! The very text of the article is pitching this stupid idea/product to you the reader/target. Genius in its approach, and idiotic in content. Classic marketing.
One tip I did try out with this post was to make a title which would pull people in. (also known as a 'hook') and maybe it worked if you are reading this now.
So I subscribed to the RSS feed, not because I expect to boost the ratings of my humble blog, but because it is So Easy to make fun of people like this. So I should have no shortage of material in the near future...
Thanks to lifehacker.com for the linkage...mostly.
Blog on,
-CZ
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