This is a fantastic idea:

Dr Wicked's Website Write or Die lets you set up a word-count goal and a time limit. If you pause for too long, or get distracted, the screen turns red, then your words start getting erased! Talk about motivation!

At any point, you can hit Done and save what you've written to your clipboard. The website also offers the following HTML code as a badge of honor. Its a bit messy, I haven't edited it, just dropped it in so you can see what it looks like:

	2
1
lab.drwicked.com

I'll let you guess what the two words were...

Thanks to Lifehacker for the link.

Art Is Resistance
-Zero

Labels: Cool Website, Writing

We're told that everyone has a story inside them.

Somehow, mine escaped.

I looked over at the printer, and there it was. Over four-hundred, tree-killing pages of adjective-laden, occult/action/adventure nonsense, sure to send even the most patient copy editor into conniptions. (Unless they charged by the mistake.)

As you read this, several copies of "The Demonslayer's Handbook - Book One" are circulating a tightly scrutinized list of pre-readers. In the meantime, I've drowned myself in books, websites and RSS feeds on writing/publishing from insiders and outsiders, those who've succeeded and failed, those who swear by the system, and those who swear at it. After what seems like ages of introspection and research, I've come to several conclusions.

First, any writer foolish enough to go through the traditional publishing route for a 'book deal' (esp. for fiction) is... a complete fool. Whatever can be said about the recording industry for music goes equally well for the publishing industry. You'd be money ahead using those printed manuscript pages to heat your home this winter.

Second, anyone foolish enough to try to self-publish their work of fiction is... an utter fool. Publishers will tell you that Print On Demand is the new 'vanity press' and Amazon is destroying the printed world by enticing authors to 'the Dark Side' of self-publishing their own works. Why would anyone buy your crap that's about as low-quality and apocryphal as the average blog post? You're better off taking all the money you would have put into the set-up fee for Print On Demand, and take it to the casino instead.

The upshot here is that anyone foolish enough to try to write a work of fiction now-a-days is...well, a complete and utter fool. Especially niche-y, urban fantasy that sounds like a knock-up of Dan Brown's "Demons and Angels" and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".

So the vote is in. Conventional Wisdom has Spoken. Don't do it. Don't be a complete and utter fool.

Ha! Good thing I'm a rebel who only listens to conventional wisdom long enough to decide what I can do to piss everyone off. The book's very existence is as unplanned as a broken condom; no reason it can't be leveraged into a Happy Accident.

I've no doubt that I'll be not only a complete and utter fool, but also a complete and utter failure. However, if I may be so bold as to quote the wise King Theoden:

"If this is to be our end, then I would have them make such an end, as to be worthy of remembrance."

In other words, if I can't be astounding, then perhaps I can be an astounding failure. I could very well end up the publishing industry's poster-boy for Why You Should Never Ever Self Publish!

I'm going to put together a list of goals, and a timeline. I'll track all the time and expenses spent on this Beautiful Disaster, and I'll be sure to post all the cold, hard numbers right here on www.conradzero.com.

Just you watch...

Art Is Resistance
-Zero

Labels: The Demonslayers Handbook, Writing

Those of you who don't have e-mail are missing out. A trip through my spam-filter revealed these beauties:

• Tiny dic'k can never attract woman's attention


• The most powerful weapon for your s'e_xual bat


• Sail down the love canal more confidently


• Your masculinity just needed Megadik and large ...


• Don't let her laugh at your small stick anymore


• Set your lassie on fire with your new giant rod


• Make your beloved woman worship you as a man


• Let your size never spoil your private life!


• Your wife will always crave for your new big r


• I've gained an inch and a half so far


• We are here for you and your penis! Megadik ma ...


• Tiny diks are doomed to be ignored by hot wome ...


• Sanford's capacious cock


• Forget about failures in bedroom. With your ne

and of course...

• Check out Bling Bling watches

And there was one I wouldn't even post here, although it did include the word "twat" which you really don't hear much anymore.

I couldn't help but wonder who comes up with these things. There must be a group of people who sit around and drink together and hash out ideas like this, and make pictures like this:



I wonder if they are accepting applications...

Art Is Resistance
-Zero

Labels: Funny, Writing

Artistic works are never "done" there is always more that could be edited, changed, tweaked, etc, in order to make it "better". There comes a time when the artist must put down the chisel/paintbrush/mouse/etc and declare the work "Done".

This is not easy.

I'm reading through The Demonslayer's Handbook one last time, and less worried about what is written that I am about what was forgotten or left out. I've already printed 300 of the 440 pages and handed them to Xtina to read through. I'm also taking trips to several areas in Minneapolis to get some ideas for color, architecture, and such to add a little flavor to the book. Some people would have done this 'field research' first, but I think the story comes first. To me the rest is scenery, and the story can read just as well without it, as a matter of fact, too much description of scenery can get in the way of a good story or slow it down, but it helps to have a clear sense of where the story is taking place.

Also, I would like the story to be as accurate to Minneapolis geography as possible. In that respect, I have already run into a problem which I discovered on a recent 'field trip' to Psycho Suzi's.

No pool tables.

What happened to the pool tables? Didn't they have pool tables there when they first opened? Is this a problem? Do I ignore it and pretend that Psycho Suzi's had pool tables? Do I change the name of the bar to some imaginary place just like Suzi's, except with pool tables?

A minor problem, and quick to fix. In the meantime, some more field trips are in order, including the IDS building, the Sculpture Gardens and Minnehaha Falls.

Those on the list for reading the preview copies of The Demonslayer's Handbook be warned, the time is near...

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: The Demonslayers Handbook, Writing

[Editors Note: Well, I'm not sure what happened with Blogger, but I lost some draft posts I was working on. Strangely the titles and labels are still intact, like this, cleverly-named, "Reality Czech". The post was pretty long, and I tend to sit on those, and re-read them when I'm sober (or if I originally wrote the post sober, then I re-read it when I'm drunk. Either way, it manages to get filtered from two perspectives.) Regardless, I will reconstruct as much of this post as I can remember.]

Recently I was talking with Saveau when he mentioned he liked the blog, and especially my book review of Lilith Saintcrow's 'Dead Man Rising' Near as I could tell, he found the review both Negative and Entertaining.

It's strange how frequently I forget that other people read the crap I write here, and how I often treat this blog as simply a journal of thoughts like in the movie Seven, "...his mind just poured out on paper". So I suppose I would expect it to be negative, since I'm the kind of person who sees the glass as not only half-empty, but the half that is left tastes like shit and the service sucks too.

But Entertaining? Remembering back to English Comp I and the "Aims and Modes of the Writing Process" if you aren't writing for Informative, Educational or Persuasive reasons, then you either better be Entertaining, Possessed, or Being Forced To Write at Gunpoint, so I suppose Entertaining is a good thing.

But I wanted to clear up a slight point: I know of lots of writers (especially blog writers) who think that simply being negative is enough to be entertaining, and ranting about how utterly, horrifically bloody-gawd-awful something is is enough to make them entertaining. (Comedians like Rush Limbaugh make entire careers out of it.) I try to be Entertaining AND Negative, not Entertaining BY BEING Negative. The difference is slight, but important, and I try to never say things on this blog that I didn't really believe, or wouldn't say to anyone in person. I want to read this blog fifty years from now and see what the hell I was like 'back then'. So if I rail on things like "Dead Man Rising" or "King Kong" for instance, it's because I really didn't like them - no more, no less.

Blog on,
-Z

Labels: Blogging, Culture, movie reviews, Writing

As The Demonslayer's Handbook nears completion, I have found myself casting the net of Googleness into the icy vastness of the interweb, hunting for morsels of information about what the hell I'm supposed to do with this stack of 120,000 words.

There's plenty of info out there on the process of landing a book deal, and you can get some good stuff from writers who have been through the whole rigamarole, but if you asked me for one source which would give you the layman's low-down on agents/inquirys/submissions/slushpiles/publications and everything leading up to any kind of "Book Deal"...

I would send you to Miss Snark. I have read her blog posts every week for at least the past six months, and saved/memorized/internalized as much as I could.

Yesterday, Miss Snark announced her retirement from the blog, and while I'm flummoxed and saddened, I'm not too surprised. There are only so many ways you can keep answering the same questions.

Her archives will remain open for those who get to the point of seeking agents/publication, and seekers will find a lot of harsh reality there for them.

I'm sad to see her retire, but also pleased that she was aware enough to know when it was time to move on. Off the top of my head, I can give you the very best of her advice:

-Write well
-Follow the damn instructions
-Focus on the writing
-Query much and widely
-Keep Writing (well)

Goodbye Miss Snark, and thanks for the good laughs and the good info. I hope you and Killer Yapp have fun slurping from the Gin Pail with George Clooney...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Authors, Cool Website, Praise, Writing

An old issue of Escapist Magazine prompted several strange realizations.

First, being in Edit mode for so long whilst working on the Demonslayer's Handbook, has increased the abilities of my Inner Philosopher to analyze/edit text as I read.

Second, if I'm not making use of my Inner Philosopher to edit or analyze (for instance, when I'm reading for entertainment), then he reads annoyingly over my shoulder, and provides useless analysis and editorials, and sometimes dirty jokes. Often, he does Not analyze what I'm reading, but uses it instead as a seed for a new and often surprising branch of thought into some almost-related area.

Third (and it was this third realization which made me realize the first two) was that while reading about whether video games should be considered 'art' or not, my Inner Philosopher suggested that people who play First Person Shooter Video Games might have a different approach to death and violence than those who prefer Third Person Shooters, such as Diablo, Command and Conquer, and the like.

Personally, I can't get into Video Games that have a "Top Down" view, because the view takes me "out" of the game. Being in first person makes me feel more connected, it removes a level of "suspension of disbelief" and makes the game more entertaining for me. I do wish they would hurry up and get the Holodeck Virtual Reality thing figured out in my lifetime, because that would be better yet...

Also, I much prefer Video Games where you control One character. Not Two, Not Ten, and certainly not tens of thousands. I have to juggle multiple tasks and ever-changing priorities every day at work, it's like juggling cats, and there's not much entertainment in that for me. Give me an objective, and a gun...hell, give me an objective and a crowbar, and I'm happy. But managing and allocating resources? Ick. Why do *I* have to do all the managerial work? And why shoud the 'bots have all the fun?

Anyway, my Inner Philosopher was pointing out a major difference between "Top Down" and "First Person" viewpoints: Those playing from Top Down will see their character(s) die, and those in First Person will experience their character's death Pseudo-Firsthand. Likewise, those watching from Top Down will watch their characters performing horrific deeds, but those in First Person will perform the deeds themselves. It is a subtle but significant difference, like programming a robot to perform a task instead of doing it yourself. There is an added level of abstraction to the Top Down view, while the First Person view is more immediate.

Strangely enough my preference in stories is the exact opposite from my preference for video games. I like stories told from the "Top View" or "God View", or more correctly, "Omniscient Narrator" point of view. There have been very few stories told from the first person that pull me into the story; 'The Metamorphosis' by Franz Kafka does - "The Divine Comedy" Trilogy by Dante Alighieri is another. In these few cases, I was able to identify with the storyteller, and feel what they feel.

But I notice many of the current Monster-Hunter genre stories are written from a first-person perspective, and they just don't do it for me. When I see them on the shelf, I open the book to some random page, and read some text. If the story is written from First Person Perspective, I generally pass. Although, I recently read Lilith Saintcrow's book 'Dead Man Rising' which was in First Person, and it was a big part of the reason I didn't care for the book.

The First Person Perspective is difficult to pull off, sometimes writers get stuck and have to cheat by shifting out of First Person, which completely wrecks my faith in them as a writer. If you choose to write from the hero's point of view throughout the story, you need to make it work.

Anyway, it seems to me that the University of Minnesota Psychology Department should be looking into this.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Inner Philosopher, Video Games, Writing

Upload your Microsoft Word Document to this website, and it returns useful info on readability. Below is the report for my short story, Suicide Kings....

Readability Report for SuicideKings.doc
readability grades:
Kincaid: 6.3
ARI: 8.2
Coleman-Liau: 9.8
Flesch Index: 82.4
Fog Index: 8.4
Lix: 35.3 = school year 5
SMOG-Grading: 6.9
sentence info:
47454 characters
10919 words, average length 4.35 characters = 1.25 syllables
599 sentences, average length 18.2 words
46% (281) short sentences (at most 13 words)
15% (95) long sentences (at least 28 words)
190 paragraphs, average length 3.2 sentences
3% (18) questions
40% (240) passive sentences
longest sent 112 wds at sent 510; shortest sent 1 wds at sent 90
word usage:
verb types:
to be (304) auxiliary (118)
types as % of total:
conjunctions 5(588) pronouns 11(1171) prepositions 12(1283)
nominalizations 0(44)
sentence beginnings:
pronoun (150) interrogative pronoun (23) article (116)
subordinating conjunction (16) conjunction (9) preposition (30)


Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Cool Website, Web Tools, Writing

Oddly enough, I did not buy "Dead Man Rising" for its front cover of a dark, attractive heroine; sword in one hand and a pistol in the other. I bought it for the back cover, which was facing out because someone at Shinder's didn't bother to put it back in the rack correctly.

The words "When the dead call, she answers" immediately piqued my interest. The rest of the jacket copy went on to tell of a half-demon-female bounty hunter in a futuristic/paranormal setting. At that point, my money was already spent. Then I flipped through the book, and found a glossary in the back (fantastic!) and even a transcript of a lecture on the Nine Canons of Magic, and a term paper on Demons. Seeing this level of detail in other books always makes me feel the story has more weight and depth to it. I did the same when I wrote "The Demonslayers Handbook", adding a glossary of terms and a description of how demons work. I'm thrilled to see other authors take this level of time and effort to enrich their works.

After reading "Dead Man Rising", I can say that Lilith Saintcrow is a Very Good Writer. Her work flows well and her story has excellent pacing. The world of Dante Valentine combines high-tech futuristica with a magical environment. For you gamers out there, just think Shadowrun. For the rest of you, imagine the world after an 'Enlightenment' of magic, where witches and shamans go to school to learn how to hone their abilities of spellcasting, and necromaces can commune with the recently dead. Demons, werewolves (called werecain), sexwitches and magicians living more or less together in a world loaded with high-technology. High-tech weapons, automated flying cars [Editor's Note: Don't even get me started about flying cars...] and hyper-synthetic materials. (Molecule-Drip Nail Polish? Plasteel? Reactive Paint?) All in all, a rich, well-conceived world, and Miss Saintcrow holds you in that world, never letting you forget where you are.

Miss Saintcrow writes from First Person Perspective only, which I despise, but since so many authors are doing it now, I won't dismiss a book right off for using it. Dead Man Rising is told from the perspective of the heroine, Dante (Danny) Valentine. Miss Saintcrow is truly able to put the reader into the head of the heroine, and remain in that perspective throughout the story. (Unlike Laurell K Hamilton's "Guilty Pleasures", which jumped noticably OUT of First Person on more than one distracting occasion.) Unfortunately, it is exactly this ability of Miss Saintcrow to put the reader into the head of her main character which ruined "Dead Man Rising" for me.

This is because I found the character Dante Valentine completely unlikable, and that's putting a heavy sugar-coat on it. Getting inside her head properly, as Miss Saintcrow arranges, only makes it worse. Telling the entire story from Dante Valentine's point of view only multiplies the problem ten-thousandfold.

Here's why:

-Dante Valentine is beautiful. Very very very beautiful. In fact, Dante Valentine continually reminds you about her beautiful, unblemished golden skin, and her black, Molecule-Drip Nail Polish, and how she looks like a holovid star, with her golden skin, and beautiful ringlets of dark hair. Of course it goes without saying that her bosoms are beautiful and natural, but Dante Valentine says it anyways, and...did I mention that her skin is golden? I did? Good, I wouldn't want you to forget, because Dante Valentine wouldn't let me forget how goldeny-smooth her golden skin was when she mentioned it in every chapter.

-Dante Valentine is powerful. Very powerful. If you thought she was beautiful, that ain't shit compared to how powerful she is. Sekhmet sa'es, she's a Half-Demon for Anubis' sake! Just her raised voice can wreck your house and set off car alarms in neighboring counties! The Power she wields would be devistating if unchecked by her only-slightly-more-powerful self control. When Dante Valentine isn't reminding you of how beautiful she is, she's reminding you of how much Power she has at her disposal. Simply too much for mere human "normals" (Interestingly, in "The Demonslayer's Handbook", I call them "Regulars"...)

-Dante Valentine hates everyone (except her Full-Blooded Demon Lover Who Was Killed By Satan And Died Tragically In Her Golden Arms). Examples of Dante Valentine's bitch-ness abound, but the most blatant and recurring examples involve her tagalong, normal-human-male-boytoy-servant "Jace", who follows her throughout the story like a puppy-dog, groveling for her attention and doing as he is told. Some of Jaces contributions to the story:

• Cleared a space off the table for Dante to work


• Booked her a hoverlimo for the evening, then stayed quietly at home as he was told. Good boy.


• Arranged meetings for Dante Valentine with various people, and sometimes he was even allowed to follow Dante Valentine to the meetings, as long as he stayed behind her and off to one side. Quietly. Who's a Good Boy? That's right! Jace! Jace is a Good Boy!


• Miscellaneous Manual Labor, and Looking Hot With His Shirt Off


• Researched all people on a list to see who was still living in the city


• Got Drunk and sleept nude in the same bed as Dante Valentine, but No Touch-Touchy! Because if you remember, Dante Valentine is Very Powerful, and one Powerful Touch of Her Goldeny Smooth Skin (I mentioned the golden skin before right?) and poor-old Jace would be ripped limb from limb by the devistating release of Powerful Power! Because in case you forgot...

-Dante Valentine is Powerful. Very Very powerful. She beats her own sensai at staff-fighting, bosses around the chief-of-police, and kills off werecain just as fast as her skin can instantly heal back to a goldeny smoothness. She can inject healing Power right into others! She can cast runes and spells, talk with the dead, and see into the future! She can see in almost total darkness! She has heightened speed and reflexes! She eats enough food to feed three football teams in a single evening and never gains a pound due to her Demonic Metabolism! Like Steven King said, she probably "farts purfume and shits petunias..."

-Dante Valentine is Misunderstood! Sure she's a stark raving bitch in the even numbered chapters and an erotic tease in the even numbered ones, but if they only knew about the italicized first person rationalizations, then they would know better than to..

• Disagree with Dante Valentine


• Question Dante Valentine's decisions


• Not jump when Dante Valentine tells them to clear the damn table off so she can have a place to work, and then sit quietly in the corner as they are told.


• Fail to notice her golden skin[Editor's note: Saw that one coming, didn't you? I'm telling you this isn't half as often as it's mentioned in the book.]


• Fuck with Dante Valentine! Who would dare to Mess with her? Don't they know....

-Dante Valentine is POWERFUL! VERY VERY VERY FUCKING POWERFUL! She does not age, and when she either outlives or kills off all the other Gods, her skin will still be golden and smooth. When The Devil (Yes, the Devil) calls her on the telephone because he can't breach her defensive spells, here is how Danny Valentine talks to him, "...you're just lucky I don't come after you..." and "Look here, you son of a bitch..." [Editors Note to Self: DO NOT FUCK WITH DANTE VALENTINE!]

So, you might like "Dead Man Rising" by Lilith Saintcrow if you can identify with a self-centered, egotistical bitch with the power of God herself and sexy, golden skin, who was continually demeaning to others, and then rationalizing it to the reader through First Person Italicized Thoughts.

I couldn't, so it brought "Dead Man Rising" from an 8 down to a 5. Plus, I learned a valuable lesson. Good writing skills are only half the story.

Read on,
-CZ

Labels: Authors, Book Review, Writing

Initial feedback from the pre-pre-preview copy of DSH tells me that I tend towards run-on sentences, (nay, run-on-and-on-and-on-some-more-sentences) the very existence of which suggests that I should simply reduce the rambling thought down to a soundbite, a tidbit, like asking a painter to 'just slap some stick figures in there" because the damn thing is simply drawing on for too long, or the way you would reduce an entire e-mail down to simply the subject line because, 'for God's sake, man, get to the point, because we're busy people, and can't be bothered with your pedantic, run-on-sentences...'

Well,

This outta shut you up.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: The Demonslayers Handbook, Writing

I distinctly remember at a rather large Easter gathering, my aunt Ginny stood and seemed to speak for the entire Family (possibly the entire Human Race) when she yelled at me,

"If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump off a cliff too?"

Without a millisecond of pause, I said (With an equal amount of volume and grandoiseness)

"Does that mean if all Your friends did Not jump off a cliff, then you Would?"

I think that was the last time my Aunt Ginny ever spoke to me. I think I was eight.

My gut-reaction-response surprised even me, because it implied that rebellousness is not always the answer. Sometimes everyone does things because it's just the right thing to do, like eating oatmeal. (Ask Wilford Brimley)

Since I didn't retain the lesson, I needed to be taught it again. So, during a period of my life when I felt severely unappreciated, I decided, in a fluster of rebellousness, that I would run away from home. I talked this plan over with my good friend, The Gooch, and he kindly volunteered the underneath of his stairs as a good place to sit tight for a day or two, and i could eat leftovers, of which he assured me there were plenty. My mom would worry and cry, and I would return home with a story of aliens or ninjas, (something I would make up while hiding out), and for a day or two of suffering, I would gain a newfound appreciation from my family, and probably sell the book rights later on.

I realized that I could get the same effect with a lot less work if I simply dropped a hint that I was thinking of leaving, (and I wouldn't have to eat leftovers.) So, I asked my mother how she would feel if I ran away from home.

"I would be very sad," she said seriously, "but I wouldn't let you come back."

"Um, what?" I asked, as my brain sifted through my finely-laid plan to come up with a workaround for this rather large loophole.

"Well," she said, "if you weren't happy here, I certainly wouldn't want you to live here. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, just wondering 's all."

When she called my bluff, I was reminded that rebelousness isn't always the answer. Hey, even if I was unappreciated, the food and lodging were still better than the alternative.


But you can imagine what I think when people tell me 'how to write right'.

Don't do [fill in the blank]

Always [fill in the blank]

And Never, Ever [fill in the blank]

For instance, 'never end a sentence with a preposition' What the hell is that about? Prepositions are wonderful things to end a sentence with. I don't agree that isn't what they should be used for. As a matter of fact, it's something I use lots of. In the Upper Midwest, it is something people are very used to. It's certainly nothing to get upset about.

Most of this ALWAYS and NEVER pesudo-info comes from people with experience or authority in the matter. People like this for instance. Ah well, you have to sift through the ALWAYS and NEVER comments, and realize them for what they are. Opinions.

I think it's the people who break the ALWAYS and NEVER rules who start the new trends which are accepted are hailed as the visionaries later on. Those who start new trends that fail are called crackpots.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: A Day In The Life, anti, Writing

I wrote 7 pages yesterday, and another 7 pages the day before, so the end is approaching quickly. Lots of dialog and confrontational scenes. Dialog is easy and fills pages quickly. Confrontation scenes do not. Four confrontation scenes overlapping at the same place at the same time on different planes of reality quadrupally do not. Keeping them all straight in my mind is easy. Keeping them straight in the readers mind is hard.

Stepping back and looking at the work as a whole, I can say this:

At just over 531 pages, double-spaced, "The Demonslayer's Handbook: Part One" is done - Roughly.

The story in my head is complete. The characters and their motivations are complete. The timing and order of events is complete. The mythos is as complete as it needs to be for this book. The ending is written, not to mention the plot outline for the second book. The story is almost completely written, and could even be read and understood 'as is'.

There are still small holes of time to fill in, probably another 20 to 30 pages of fluff to tie loose ends together and to move the characters from one place to the next.

I am guessing I will have a rough draft that I can hand out by the end of the month for peer review. If you want to be on the reading list please let me know. Each copy will cost me over thirty bucks, so I will probably only have a couple hard copies made and then they will have to be shared. That means serious inquires only, and no lolly-gagging...

Anyone know of a good book agent?

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: The Demonslayers Handbook, Writing

Well, I was just going to write Dan Brown a scathing e-mail, with all kinds of nasty language and accuasations of plagarism.

>Four persons murdered around a city in a pattern.

Wow, that's not new. I'm sure that's been done before, and I've seen a map of a pentagram drawn over cities so often in movies that I actually make fun of it in my book...

>by a secret religious cult

Again, nothing new. Matter of fact, they are the ones most likely to bother murdering people in a pattern around a city, right? Almost cliche
...

>each of the murder victims marked with a symbol

...well of course they are marked with a symbol, they are dedicated to some greater cause. Of course the bodies are marked. Goes without saying....

>representing the four elements of air, earth, fire, and water.

Um, wow. That's cutting it kind of close. I mean...wow.

OK, so it's at this point that I start the e-mail to Dan Brown, that is so flaming hot I have to turn on the air conditioning in the house. I'm on the verge of throwing inanimate objects. I'm looking up Mr. Brown's address, and saving for a plane ticket. I have been working on The Demonslayers Handbook for TWO FUCKING YEARS, and how dare he swipe a major plot point from my work....

...except for one thing. Angels and Demons was published in 2000, and I started on The Demonslayers Handbook in 2004.

Great. So two years of work just got fucked because Mr. Brown had the idea four years earlier. Who will possibly believe that I came up this plot concept on my own?

No one.

This has suddenly become one of the saddest days of my life.

Fuck You, Dan Brown. I know it's not your fault, but Fuck You anyways...

Sincerely,
-Conrad Zero

Labels: Open Letter, The Demonslayers Handbook, Writing

Alright, maybe I won't actually burn my own book. I mean, it can't be that bad, right? Maybe I'm just my own worst critic? Maybe it doesn't suck half as badly as I think it does? Maybe my book will sell better than some other books I won't mention here?

Right. The Demonslayer's Handbook probably doesn't suck quite as bad as that...

Fine. Pressing on...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: The Demonslayers Handbook, Writing

Mr. J. A. Konrath,

I just read your entire ‘tips’ series on your site http://www.jakonrath.com/tips.html (including the video). Very informative and entertaining. This should be required reading for anyone considering writing as a career.

Thank you, sincerely, thank you for sharing your experience, and for the sheer volume of useful, real-world information about writing and the publishing industry. Based on what I have learned, I have decided to burn my own book before it is even finished (I will have to print it out first), and as a replacement, take up Everquest as my life’s pursuit.

I will also pick up copies of all your books, as payment in kind for the sage advice on my career path. It was well worth it.

A Future Fan, and Former Almost-Writer,
~Conrad Zero
conradzero@gmail.com
www.conradzero.com

Labels: Open Letter, Writing