That blog post title is deceiving, because I can't give a real review for the movie Disintegration, since I only watched the first ten minutes. But in those 10 minutes, I did observe the following:

Bad acting...

Bad direction...

Bad production...

Bad sound... (including bad ADR, bad Foley and bad music/dialog levels...IE: Bad Sound)

Bad lighting...

And absolutely NO sense of timing.

I can't tell you much about the plot, because I couldn't finish the movie. In fact, I couldn't make it past the first 10 minutes of ridiculous, complicated relationship backstory, narrated (yes, NARRATED) by someone who sounded like they were from the cast of Fargo. Really, if the backstory is that complex, then you need to show it onscreen somehow. Work it into the story. Flashback. Dream sequence. Conversation between characters. Something. But for the Lamb Of God, would you please not try to force us to sit through ten minutes of fucking Norwegian narration, rattling off names and relationships as though you were at a High-Schools 5-year Reunion?

I scrolled through the rest of the movie at high-speed, and still couldn't finish it. A bunch of talking heads. Shoulda been a graphic novel instead, and it only would have taken a half-dozen pictures cut-n-pasted over and over. It could have come with a diagram of relationships and family trees, that would have saved all the overdubbed relations/narration...

If I had to rate this movie based off what I saw of it, I'd have to give it a 1 out of 10. The only thing keeping it from a solid "0" would be that I didn't hear any Emo or Country music in the score/soundtrack.

Roger McLeod, you should Watch some movies first, before you go trying to make one yourself...

Art Is Resistance
-Zero

Labels: movie reviews, Ubersuck

Someone asked if I was going to see the remake of Halloween. My initial response was 'Hell Yeah!', because the first Halloween is a truly scary classic.

Unfortunately, I had to change my decision after I realized that you were behind the filming. I can't really bring myself to see anything you are involved with after watching "House of 1000 Corpses" and "The Devil's Rejects" (You can read my review of The Devil's Rejects here)

Sorry Rob, but I can't even give you the benefit of the doubt now. I don't believe that you are capable of making a horror movie without making blowing the Hokey-Meter off the charts, and I won't let you wreck a timeless classic.

You should stick to the song you keep releasing over and over, it's really good, but your movies are worse than Suck-Squared.

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: anti, Movie News, movie reviews, Open Letter, Ubersuck

Dear Mr Sessions, thank you for sending me the copy of your movie "Dead Clowns" to review here on conradzero.com. You have heard correctly, I really enjoy reviewing quality low-budget horror films, and upon review of your feature film, I can say without a doubt that it was certainly, um, low-budget.

Where should I start...how about the sound? I thought it was interesting the way you added a heavy reverb to all ambient sound effects in the movie, as though they were recorded in a subway tunnel, but left the vocals dry. Can't say I've heard this done before, but it certainly made the sound, um, unique.

Another interesting aspect of the sound was your choice to make sounds that were far away from the camera louder than those that were close to the camera. For instance, the sound of rain outside the hotel room was louder than the dialog of the people talking to each other an arm's length apart, and in some cases, their dialog was nearly inaudible. A wise choice, as most of the dialog was unimportant and pretty bad. Did you actually make the actors read the script for the first time right there on camera? It explains why most of the dialog sounded so unnatural and contrived, and definitely added to the 'indie' feel of your movie.

The multiple plot threads were a nice touch. It was refreshing to see that for the most part, they never really meshed together into any form of a coherent 'whole'; a process I agree is overused in Hollywood, and you will no doubt be hailed as a visionary for abandoning it. Leaving the audience to contemplate just why those other people were in the movie at all is sheer genius. Making the audience think? Who does that anymore?

I liked your twist on the classic revenge formula. Usually people seeking revenge were wronged in some way, but in Dead Clowns, they come back from the dead and attack the town that loved them, and had nothing to do with the accident that killed them! Ha! Not to mention they waited for fifty years before coming back, so I doubt there was anyone left in the town who was around back when they bit it. That will certainly teach them for being the offspring of people who liked clowns!

BTW: Why fifty years? Why not forty-nine-and-two-fifths of a year due to rounding errors?The movie never explains why, and it's *that* kind of unresolved tension that makes independent film what it is today, that is to say, ah... independent.

Without a doubt, Brinke Stevens was the highlight of the movie. She did a fantastic job. Her character also looks remarkably young for someone who is an expert on the clown/train accident that happened fifty years ago, and the town completely forgot. Her description of the incident made it sound like she was actually there when it happened, which would make her...well, at least fifty. Using a young actress to play an older character, but still make her look young sounds like a makeup department's nightmare, but your crew handled the task swimmingly, because she doesn't look a day over thirty.

I couldn't help but notice many long, introspective shots of non-dialog/non-action/non-story, usually with the camera locked on someones face, (a trick you no doubt learned from Peter Jackson's version of 'King Kong') while many might find this annoying and unprofessional, it really shows you how overrated pacing is in the movie media. It was also nice not to have to pause the movie when going to the bathroom, or going to the kitchen to get another Tequila-Whisky-Coke, or going to the garage to replace the serpentine-belt tensioner in my 96 Saturn.

Regarding the songs in your movie, well...Switchblade Symphony was an excellent choice, but the rest of the songs sucked...oh wait a minute! I see you did the score yourself? Well, that explains it then! For future reference, I know of a band called Jagged Spiral who write some fantastic songs for horror movie soundtracks, and they don't involve the use of Every Single Cliche Known To Man. You should check them out if you are allowed...I mean, if you ever make another movie.

The effects were pretty good. The effect of clowns that had been buried underwater for fifty years and came out wearing brand-spanking-new costumes must have been difficult to manage. I'd have also thought them to be wet, after being in the water for fifty years and all, but no doubt your SFX crew must have had one hell of a time making them look clean and dry. Not to mention that for all their running around town and dismembering/skewering/eating people, none of the clowns get a drop of blood on their outfits. Kudos to the clowns for their fine table manners, and to your wardrobe department for keeping their outfits in pristine condition throughout the bloodbath.

Thanks again for the opportunity to review your film. Enclosed please find my invoice payable immediately on receipt. I generally charge by the hour, but in the case of your 95 min movie, you may notice that I've charged for six hours of labor. This may be especially confusing after I explain that I only spent about half an hour actually watching the movie. In your case, I made an exception and charged the amount of time IT SEEMED TO TAKE to watch your movie, even though I mashed the FF button so often during Dead Clowns that the batteries in the remote control died, (hence the extra charge for replacement batteries.)

You may also notice the an additional expense for a replacement DVD player. No, your DVD did not actually break my player, it simply seemed more prudent to burn my DVD player with your disk in it, and bury the ashes in my backyard, than to take the chance that the disk might fall into the hands of others. (The time spent burning/burying is NOT included in the six hours previously mentioned, but there is no charge for that ; I consider it a public service.)

And of course, as you requested, I will keep this review strictly confidential.

Sincerely,
Conrad Zero

Labels: indie movies, movie reviews, Open Letter, Ubersuck

I don't care much for the song, but I swear to Dog,

This might just be the worst music video you or I or anyone else will ever ever ever ever see:



Your homework is to watch as much as you can without puking, so we can have a baseline for comparison, since this is the Bloodrayne of Music Videos. Tough it out, because it just can't get any worse. (Well, to be honest, a Kid Rock video could be worse, but thankfully, noone ever sees those.)

Jim, I am terribly sorry for you that Debbie Harry is connected in any way, shape or form to this video.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Music Videos, Ubersuck

"Welcome to Worst Buy, can I help you?"

"Yeah, I'd like to buy the new video game, Battlefield 2142"

"That is a great game, its on sale for fifty dollars... Thank you, here is your change, enjoy the game! Now, if you will just stand over here with your legs apart and your hands at your sides..."

"What? What's all this?"

"Um, well you see, every purchase of Battlefield 2142 comes with a kick in the balls from Lugash. So Lugash here is going to kick you in the balls to fulfill the purchase agreement."

"But I don't want to be kicked in the balls."

"Totally understandable sir, but Lugash here has paid EA Games a LOT of money in order to get this kick in the balls included with the game."

"Look, it didn't say anything about this on the box! I just want to play the game, I don't want..."

"Of course you don't sir, but if you read the EULA you will see that by purchasing the game, you have already agreed..."

"Hey, fuck the EULA, and fuck you too! What right does this guy have to kick me in the balls just because I'm buying a video game?"

"Sorry sir, but it IS a Free Market, and EA Games is a business. A business that wants to make money. Therefore when Lugash offers them money to include a kick in the balls with their product, they have every right to make such arrangements. Now, you are always free to have your balls removed, and then Lugash can't kick them...."


Think I'm kidding? Change 'kick in the balls' to 'in-game advertising'. Or read the review of Battlefield 2142 here.

The moral of the story is that EA stands for Evil Advertising.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Funny, Ubersuck, Uncool Products, Video Games

Sam Raimi is a good director. I really liked his TV work (Xena, Cleopatra 2525, Hercules, Jack of all Trades, were all fair shows, (let's skip right by M.A.N.T.I.S., shall we?) But those were TV *action* shows.

Sam Raimi has no concept of Horror. NONE. The little naked kid dipped in flour and wearing mascara and dark contact lenses (typically played back with dropped frames) was pretty spooky...back when I first saw it in The Ring. But then it was done. And like any fad, that one got beat to death. I don't think there is a single video from Asia Tartan Extreme at Hollywood Video that Doesn't have a pic of the spooky kid on the cover. I've seen it so much now, that if I woke up in the middle of the night and saw the spooky kid hanging from my bedroom wall, I would tell him to piss off, roll over and go back to sleep. Sam still thinks it's scary, and bases entire movies around his No-Trick-Pony.

However, Sam has learned about the Sting. Sam knows that there is an instinctual thing that makes you jump, or gasp or scream in reaction to sudden visual or audio cues (Stings). This will always work, but it is NOT HORROR. It is a tool used in Horror Movies, but by itself it is no more Horror than a cup of flour is a pancake. (For example, The Forgotten, relied on Stings throughout the movie to keep the audience from falling asleep). No matter how many times I pretend to punch you in the face, and stop an inch from your eyes, you will blink. You can't not blink. Like I said, it is instinctual. Sam knows this, and he thinks this is Horror.

But it is not.

Because it ain't scary no more. That's right Sam. Not scary Sam. Like Crazins. Not Scary. Like Aspartame. Not Horror.

Of course Sam Raimi will probably never realize this, since he doesn't read my blog, and since he made about a bazillion dollars off the most unhorrifying horror movies ever made. The Boogyman and The Grudge. Yes, I saw them both. I even gave The Grudge the proper environment, watching it late at night with the lights off. Not Horror. Annoying perhaps, like being on hold with Comcast Tech Support, but not Horror.

Using stings as a crutch to make your unscary Flour-Boy seem scary is not Horror. It is Startling. It is Jarring. It is going to cause even normal people to launch into an epileptic seizure. Of course it is also going to make him another bazillion dollars when he does it again in Grudge 2. Check out the trailer here. Warning: May induce epileptic seizures.

We need to come up with a different genre for this dogshit. When I go to the Horror section to rent a Horror movie, I want to see something Horrific. Startling alone is not Horror, and does not count. Put it in the Jumpy section.

Hey Sam, here is an idea for Grudge 3, just run a black slate for 90 min, and randomly drop in a couple still pix with a giant audio hit. Watch the crowd jump! Best part is the pictures can be of anything at all, and the crowd will still jump!

"Oh my God, an Ostrich!"

"AAA! Crazins!"

"Holy Shit! A little boy dipped in flour! Did you see that?"

"Oh! I think I'm having a seizure!"

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Hollywood, Movie News, movie reviews, Ubersuck