We're told that everyone has a story inside them.

Somehow, mine escaped.

I looked over at the printer, and there it was. Over four-hundred, tree-killing pages of adjective-laden, occult/action/adventure nonsense, sure to send even the most patient copy editor into conniptions. (Unless they charged by the mistake.)

As you read this, several copies of "The Demonslayer's Handbook - Book One" are circulating a tightly scrutinized list of pre-readers. In the meantime, I've drowned myself in books, websites and RSS feeds on writing/publishing from insiders and outsiders, those who've succeeded and failed, those who swear by the system, and those who swear at it. After what seems like ages of introspection and research, I've come to several conclusions.

First, any writer foolish enough to go through the traditional publishing route for a 'book deal' (esp. for fiction) is... a complete fool. Whatever can be said about the recording industry for music goes equally well for the publishing industry. You'd be money ahead using those printed manuscript pages to heat your home this winter.

Second, anyone foolish enough to try to self-publish their work of fiction is... an utter fool. Publishers will tell you that Print On Demand is the new 'vanity press' and Amazon is destroying the printed world by enticing authors to 'the Dark Side' of self-publishing their own works. Why would anyone buy your crap that's about as low-quality and apocryphal as the average blog post? You're better off taking all the money you would have put into the set-up fee for Print On Demand, and take it to the casino instead.

The upshot here is that anyone foolish enough to try to write a work of fiction now-a-days is...well, a complete and utter fool. Especially niche-y, urban fantasy that sounds like a knock-up of Dan Brown's "Demons and Angels" and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".

So the vote is in. Conventional Wisdom has Spoken. Don't do it. Don't be a complete and utter fool.

Ha! Good thing I'm a rebel who only listens to conventional wisdom long enough to decide what I can do to piss everyone off. The book's very existence is as unplanned as a broken condom; no reason it can't be leveraged into a Happy Accident.

I've no doubt that I'll be not only a complete and utter fool, but also a complete and utter failure. However, if I may be so bold as to quote the wise King Theoden:

"If this is to be our end, then I would have them make such an end, as to be worthy of remembrance."

In other words, if I can't be astounding, then perhaps I can be an astounding failure. I could very well end up the publishing industry's poster-boy for Why You Should Never Ever Self Publish!

I'm going to put together a list of goals, and a timeline. I'll track all the time and expenses spent on this Beautiful Disaster, and I'll be sure to post all the cold, hard numbers right here on www.conradzero.com.

Just you watch...

Art Is Resistance
-Zero

Labels: The Demonslayers Handbook, Writing

Artistic works are never "done" there is always more that could be edited, changed, tweaked, etc, in order to make it "better". There comes a time when the artist must put down the chisel/paintbrush/mouse/etc and declare the work "Done".

This is not easy.

I'm reading through The Demonslayer's Handbook one last time, and less worried about what is written that I am about what was forgotten or left out. I've already printed 300 of the 440 pages and handed them to Xtina to read through. I'm also taking trips to several areas in Minneapolis to get some ideas for color, architecture, and such to add a little flavor to the book. Some people would have done this 'field research' first, but I think the story comes first. To me the rest is scenery, and the story can read just as well without it, as a matter of fact, too much description of scenery can get in the way of a good story or slow it down, but it helps to have a clear sense of where the story is taking place.

Also, I would like the story to be as accurate to Minneapolis geography as possible. In that respect, I have already run into a problem which I discovered on a recent 'field trip' to Psycho Suzi's.

No pool tables.

What happened to the pool tables? Didn't they have pool tables there when they first opened? Is this a problem? Do I ignore it and pretend that Psycho Suzi's had pool tables? Do I change the name of the bar to some imaginary place just like Suzi's, except with pool tables?

A minor problem, and quick to fix. In the meantime, some more field trips are in order, including the IDS building, the Sculpture Gardens and Minnehaha Falls.

Those on the list for reading the preview copies of The Demonslayer's Handbook be warned, the time is near...

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: The Demonslayers Handbook, Writing

If you've noticed that the blog posts here at conradzero.com were few and far between...

...then you should cut back on your blog reading.

But, for the faithful two or three of you who come here for your fix, I wanted to warn you that the postings are about to become fewer and farther between.

I'm taking a well-earned break from Things-That-Plug-Into-The-Wall, and I should be back in a few weeks, unless I happen across a Cyber Cafe / Hash Bar in Amsterdam, in which case I will update, but it probably wont be legible or intelligible, OR if Turkish Police happen across ME, it might be a while before my next post.

Oh yes, by the way, The First Complete Draft of The Demoslayers Handbook...

...is finished.

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: A Day In The Life, Blogging, The Demonslayers Handbook

Initial feedback from the pre-pre-preview copy of DSH tells me that I tend towards run-on sentences, (nay, run-on-and-on-and-on-some-more-sentences) the very existence of which suggests that I should simply reduce the rambling thought down to a soundbite, a tidbit, like asking a painter to 'just slap some stick figures in there" because the damn thing is simply drawing on for too long, or the way you would reduce an entire e-mail down to simply the subject line because, 'for God's sake, man, get to the point, because we're busy people, and can't be bothered with your pedantic, run-on-sentences...'

Well,

This outta shut you up.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: The Demonslayers Handbook, Writing

I obviously haven't been posting much lately, but not for a lack of things to write about. Quite the opposite. School, sickness, the book, the album, the band... all combined to make September seem like an entire year in itself without two spare seconds for me to rub together.

School - Sucks. All the kids know this, and when I was a kid, I knew it too. While my thirst for knowledge has not waned, I find that classes and homework are keeping me from other things...

Sick - ...and being sick is not one of those things. Being Sick Really Truly sucks. Everyone knows this. Whatever I had hung on for a solid week and a half of misery, another week and a half of discomfort, and now (one MONTH to the day) it still manages to annoy. I'm sure there are worse things than being labled as a 'walking snot factory' but I'm just hoping it won't affect my vocals on...

The Album - Right. Drums are done. Basslines are half finished. The goal was to have all basslines done this week, Guitar and Vocals done around Oct 20th, and a final rough mix by Halloween. Like I said: Right.

The Band - Some guys go bowling, some get together to watch 'the game', some play poker, but there We were, meeting on Tuesdays after work: recording, arranging, cutting, pasting, looping, and critiquing, punctuated by the inevitible Windows reboot. We also listened to bands from Lamb of God to Blondie, From Motörhead to Ray (not to mention all the Ray Remixes).

For well over a year; just some guys who might just as well have been playing Dungeons and Dragons. In all this time, it never once felt like a band. Until last Tuesday. Strangely, we didn't get much recorded that night, just some rough tracks to use as placeholders. But we got several things done which made it seem like we were finally a real band.

We decided on a name
We listed a myspace page
We registered a website

But really, the first thing that made it feel like a real band (for me, anyways) was taking our first band photo.




...'But what of the Book?' you ask. Believe me, it tries my patience more than yours to not have the draft finished. I've learned that it writes itself, and everytime I put a date on it, it stops writing itself just so it can show me that I don't have total control over it. It can't be finished soon enough.

More to come.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: A Day In The Life, Jagged Spiral, The Demonslayers Handbook

I wrote 7 pages yesterday, and another 7 pages the day before, so the end is approaching quickly. Lots of dialog and confrontational scenes. Dialog is easy and fills pages quickly. Confrontation scenes do not. Four confrontation scenes overlapping at the same place at the same time on different planes of reality quadrupally do not. Keeping them all straight in my mind is easy. Keeping them straight in the readers mind is hard.

Stepping back and looking at the work as a whole, I can say this:

At just over 531 pages, double-spaced, "The Demonslayer's Handbook: Part One" is done - Roughly.

The story in my head is complete. The characters and their motivations are complete. The timing and order of events is complete. The mythos is as complete as it needs to be for this book. The ending is written, not to mention the plot outline for the second book. The story is almost completely written, and could even be read and understood 'as is'.

There are still small holes of time to fill in, probably another 20 to 30 pages of fluff to tie loose ends together and to move the characters from one place to the next.

I am guessing I will have a rough draft that I can hand out by the end of the month for peer review. If you want to be on the reading list please let me know. Each copy will cost me over thirty bucks, so I will probably only have a couple hard copies made and then they will have to be shared. That means serious inquires only, and no lolly-gagging...

Anyone know of a good book agent?

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: The Demonslayers Handbook, Writing

Well, I was just going to write Dan Brown a scathing e-mail, with all kinds of nasty language and accuasations of plagarism.

>Four persons murdered around a city in a pattern.

Wow, that's not new. I'm sure that's been done before, and I've seen a map of a pentagram drawn over cities so often in movies that I actually make fun of it in my book...

>by a secret religious cult

Again, nothing new. Matter of fact, they are the ones most likely to bother murdering people in a pattern around a city, right? Almost cliche
...

>each of the murder victims marked with a symbol

...well of course they are marked with a symbol, they are dedicated to some greater cause. Of course the bodies are marked. Goes without saying....

>representing the four elements of air, earth, fire, and water.

Um, wow. That's cutting it kind of close. I mean...wow.

OK, so it's at this point that I start the e-mail to Dan Brown, that is so flaming hot I have to turn on the air conditioning in the house. I'm on the verge of throwing inanimate objects. I'm looking up Mr. Brown's address, and saving for a plane ticket. I have been working on The Demonslayers Handbook for TWO FUCKING YEARS, and how dare he swipe a major plot point from my work....

...except for one thing. Angels and Demons was published in 2000, and I started on The Demonslayers Handbook in 2004.

Great. So two years of work just got fucked because Mr. Brown had the idea four years earlier. Who will possibly believe that I came up this plot concept on my own?

No one.

This has suddenly become one of the saddest days of my life.

Fuck You, Dan Brown. I know it's not your fault, but Fuck You anyways...

Sincerely,
-Conrad Zero

Labels: Open Letter, The Demonslayers Handbook, Writing

Alright, maybe I won't actually burn my own book. I mean, it can't be that bad, right? Maybe I'm just my own worst critic? Maybe it doesn't suck half as badly as I think it does? Maybe my book will sell better than some other books I won't mention here?

Right. The Demonslayer's Handbook probably doesn't suck quite as bad as that...

Fine. Pressing on...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: The Demonslayers Handbook, Writing