Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Animator vs Animation II
0 Comments PermalinkMonday, July 07, 2008
The Legend of Old Gregg
"The Legend of Old Gregg" was brought up last weekend. After a bit of sifting on youtube, there are plenty of references to the show, plenty of clipped-out highlights, and most of them misspelled the name as "Old Greg". But I was able to track down the original show, which is divided into 4 pieces. The whole thing clocks in around 27 minutes. If you don't have that much time, check for "Old Gregg" on youtube, and see what all the fuss is about. After watching it, you will understand how Bootsy Collins got the Funk, and you'll know what people mean when they yell out, "I'm Old Gregg!"...
PART ONE:
PART TWO:
PART THREE:
PART FOUR:
Art Is Resistance
-Zero
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PART ONE:
PART TWO:
PART THREE:
PART FOUR:
Art Is Resistance
-Zero
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Punctuation Story
It took some sushi, ginger ice-cream and a couple "Tiger" beers at Sushi Tango to unearth a handful of old TV mysteries like this one. Anyone else remember this bit?
Art Is Resistance
-Zero
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Art Is Resistance
-Zero
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Trajan, The Movie Font
Food For Thought for movie graphic designers, concerning the Trajan Font.
Art Is Resistance
-Zero
1 Comments
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Art Is Resistance
-Zero
Labels: Funny, Hollywood, Movie News, Videos
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Video: This is Sparta
0 Comments PermalinkTaking the Hobbits to Isengard
Only saw half of this, but it's definitely worth posting. Missed the second half because I was laughing so hard...
Art Is Resistance
-Zero
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Art Is Resistance
-Zero
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Diet Coke + Mentos + Free Time
Not sure who has more free time, these guys for setting up this incredible waste of Diet Coke...
...or me for blogging it. Or maybe you for watching it.
Art Is Resistance
-Zero
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...or me for blogging it. Or maybe you for watching it.
Art Is Resistance
-Zero
Monday, November 19, 2007
(Wet) Dream Job - SPAM copy writer
Those of you who don't have e-mail are missing out. A trip through my spam-filter revealed these beauties:
And there was one I wouldn't even post here, although it did include the word "twat" which you really don't hear much anymore.
I couldn't help but wonder who comes up with these things. There must be a group of people who sit around and drink together and hash out ideas like this, and make pictures like this:
I wonder if they are accepting applications...
Art Is Resistance
-Zero
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- Tiny dic'k can never attract woman's attention
- The most powerful weapon for your s'e_xual bat
- Sail down the love canal more confidently
- Your masculinity just needed Megadik and large ...
- Don't let her laugh at your small stick anymore
- Set your lassie on fire with your new giant rod
- Make your beloved woman worship you as a man
- Let your size never spoil your private life!
- Your wife will always crave for your new big r
- I've gained an inch and a half so far
- We are here for you and your penis! Megadik ma ...
- Tiny diks are doomed to be ignored by hot wome ...
- Sanford's capacious cock
- Forget about failures in bedroom. With your ne
- Check out Bling Bling watches
and of course...
And there was one I wouldn't even post here, although it did include the word "twat" which you really don't hear much anymore.
I couldn't help but wonder who comes up with these things. There must be a group of people who sit around and drink together and hash out ideas like this, and make pictures like this:
I wonder if they are accepting applications...
Art Is Resistance
-Zero
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Girls Costume Warehouse
Alright, this made me laugh. A lot.
OK, maybe it's just a chromosome thing. Anyway, thanks to Sarah for the linkage.
Art Is Resistance
-Zero
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OK, maybe it's just a chromosome thing. Anyway, thanks to Sarah for the linkage.
Art Is Resistance
-Zero
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Videogame Review: Manhunt
Below is a video review of the videogame Manhunt from the Escapist Magazine's Zero Punctuation column. I haven't played the game myself, but it sounds like if you're a twelve-year-old boy, and like Rob Zombie or Quentin Tarrintino films, you would probably like Manhunt. This video review by Yahtzee seems to agree. If nothing else, the video review itself is Really Funny, and Free, and Way Shorter than the game Manhunt:
Art Is Resistance
-Zero
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Art Is Resistance
-Zero
Labels: Funny, Video Games, Videos
Monday, September 24, 2007
Terror Level Alert
In an attempt to make this blog more useful, I have added the following monitor for the current Terror Level Alert.
Cross reference the current alert level with the following chart:
Art Is Resistance
-Zero
1 Comments
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Cross reference the current alert level with the following chart:
Art Is Resistance
-Zero
Labels: Funny
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Avast! It's International 'Talk Like A Pirate Day'!
Missed it last year, but thanks to a timely e-mail from the Geek Goddess, I have been informed that today is International Talk Like A Pirate Day!
Cheers, matey! 'N here be some lovely pirate metal music to go with yer grog.
Art Is Resistance
-Zero
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Cheers, matey! 'N here be some lovely pirate metal music to go with yer grog.
Art Is Resistance
-Zero
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
8-Legged HitchHiker
Alright, so I don't like spiders. There is a simple rule in my house:
if (creature.legs > 4) then KillItToDeath(fast);
Being that spiders have more than four legs, the outcome of any event of spiders in my house should be obvious. I've never had to worry about applying the rule outside of my home until this week.
I first noticed single strands of webbing in my car on the daily commute last week. A new single strand every day. Fine. I'm not going to waste my time looking for it. I figured that if multiple listenings to the preproduction copy of 'Days From Evil' didn't kill it, the extended holiday weekend would. So, I left my black car with the black interior parked outside in the sun, with the windows up all weekend long.
"Live through *that*," I thought to myself.
Something did.
I was cruising back from Caribou Coffee today when I saw it. A spider. A big spider. I mean, like Big, OK? And he was hungry from the lack of food, deranged from all the heat, and pissed off from going cold-turkey off a Jagged Spiral binge.
Hungry, Deranged and Pissed.
And BIG.
Of course, I did what any rational person would do. I leaped at it.
OMFG! ITS FUCKING HUGE! I've only seen spiders that big in the movies! WHERE'S MY GUN?!!!
As I wrestled with the mutant spider in the backseat (My ColdPress Coffee in one hand and steering the car with my foot, thank you very much). Other drivers on the highway were, shall we say, Not Impressed with my ability to multitask. Thankfully, I had the windows open, and yelled at the nearest car,
"Help! Help! Call 911! I'm being carjacked by an Arachnid! The pistol isn't big enough! Someone throw me a Nailgun!"
Of all the days Not to bring my fucking Nailgun. If we were in California, someone would have passed me a shotgun or harpoon gun or something. But here in Minnesota, you yell for help and people just pretend not to hear you.
Did I mention it was Fast too? Yes, it was Hungry, Deranged, Pissed-Off and Quick spider. And BIG. Did I mention it had a tattoo of a person on it's leg? I mean, it was fracking XXL.
The damned thing got away too. I barely escaped with my coffee, although I really didn't need it after a refreshing wrestle with a giant spider.
I've decided to burn the car and walk home. I'm also taking up Tae Kwon Do again. My next car will have a handy place to keep a spare nailgun.
KTHXBYE,
-CZ
1 Comments
Permalink
if (creature.legs > 4) then KillItToDeath(fast);
Being that spiders have more than four legs, the outcome of any event of spiders in my house should be obvious. I've never had to worry about applying the rule outside of my home until this week.
I first noticed single strands of webbing in my car on the daily commute last week. A new single strand every day. Fine. I'm not going to waste my time looking for it. I figured that if multiple listenings to the preproduction copy of 'Days From Evil' didn't kill it, the extended holiday weekend would. So, I left my black car with the black interior parked outside in the sun, with the windows up all weekend long.
"Live through *that*," I thought to myself.
Something did.
I was cruising back from Caribou Coffee today when I saw it. A spider. A big spider. I mean, like Big, OK? And he was hungry from the lack of food, deranged from all the heat, and pissed off from going cold-turkey off a Jagged Spiral binge.
Hungry, Deranged and Pissed.
And BIG.
Of course, I did what any rational person would do. I leaped at it.
OMFG! ITS FUCKING HUGE! I've only seen spiders that big in the movies! WHERE'S MY GUN?!!!
As I wrestled with the mutant spider in the backseat (My ColdPress Coffee in one hand and steering the car with my foot, thank you very much). Other drivers on the highway were, shall we say, Not Impressed with my ability to multitask. Thankfully, I had the windows open, and yelled at the nearest car,
"Help! Help! Call 911! I'm being carjacked by an Arachnid! The pistol isn't big enough! Someone throw me a Nailgun!"
Of all the days Not to bring my fucking Nailgun. If we were in California, someone would have passed me a shotgun or harpoon gun or something. But here in Minnesota, you yell for help and people just pretend not to hear you.
Did I mention it was Fast too? Yes, it was Hungry, Deranged, Pissed-Off and Quick spider. And BIG. Did I mention it had a tattoo of a person on it's leg? I mean, it was fracking XXL.
The damned thing got away too. I barely escaped with my coffee, although I really didn't need it after a refreshing wrestle with a giant spider.
I've decided to burn the car and walk home. I'm also taking up Tae Kwon Do again. My next car will have a handy place to keep a spare nailgun.
KTHXBYE,
-CZ
Labels: A Day In The Life, Funny
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Cool Website: Will It Blend?
Fantastic. You get to sate your burning need to know, without blowing up your house. Cuz, you've always wanted to know what would happen if you put a bunch of disposable lighters in a blender...
...or a can of EZ-Cheese...
Or an I-Phone!
The best part is the cheezy smile the guy has while he's blending up a $400 I-Phone.
Man, I could have saved a lot of money if I'd only known about willitblend.com! (It wouldn't have prevented "The Shaving Cream Incident", but that's another post for another day...
Thanks to James for the link...
KTHXBYE,
-CZ
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...or a can of EZ-Cheese...
Or an I-Phone!
The best part is the cheezy smile the guy has while he's blending up a $400 I-Phone.
Man, I could have saved a lot of money if I'd only known about willitblend.com! (It wouldn't have prevented "The Shaving Cream Incident", but that's another post for another day...
Thanks to James for the link...
KTHXBYE,
-CZ
Labels: Cool Website, Funny, Videos
Monday, August 27, 2007
Basic Instructions
If you haven't seen Basic Instructions, you really should swing over there and check it out. This weeks comic on "How to Quit Drinking Caffeine" had me instantly hooked. Scott Meyer's main character reminds me of my friend, "Schaffdog". (Except the "Dog" has more hair.)
I used to read CTRL+ALT+DEL, which is hit-or-miss, but going through basicinstructions back catalog had me LLOL (Literally Laughing-Out-Loud) on almost every comic.
I added his rss feed to my list next to Dilbert, cuz I'm an ornery-sum-bisch if I don't get some daily laughs with my caffeine, otherwise I'm just a tired-sum-bisch...
KTHXBYE,
-CZ
0 Comments
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I used to read CTRL+ALT+DEL, which is hit-or-miss, but going through basicinstructions back catalog had me LLOL (Literally Laughing-Out-Loud) on almost every comic.
I added his rss feed to my list next to Dilbert, cuz I'm an ornery-sum-bisch if I don't get some daily laughs with my caffeine, otherwise I'm just a tired-sum-bisch...
KTHXBYE,
-CZ
Labels: Cool Website, Funny
Devil's Advocate
Satan couldn't be here today to give you any bad ideas, so she asked me to help her out, and since I am actually quite indebted to her, I really didn't feel right saying 'no'.
So watch this and laugh at the misery of others!
If you watch this 100 times you will still laugh
Add to My Profile | More Videos
And this:
Watch This And Laugh
Add to My Profile | More Videos
KTHXBYE,
Conrad Zero, Devil's Advocate
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So watch this and laugh at the misery of others!
If you watch this 100 times you will still laugh
Add to My Profile | More Videos
And this:
Watch This And Laugh
Add to My Profile | More Videos
KTHXBYE,
Conrad Zero, Devil's Advocate
Thursday, July 26, 2007
The Inappropriate Yoga Guy
0 Comments PermalinkTuesday, July 17, 2007
Killer Meat Stick
Why are people so down on Spam? I mean, take this gem that I received this morning:
Would you like to have a killer meat stick? If you do, Penis Enlarge Patch should be for you.
http://www.tudart.com/
Now this is funnier than a lot of the 'funny' e-mails I get from people. I'm thinking Jagged Spiral should change its name to "Killer Meat Stick". It has some punch to it; memorable, with a certain air of urgency and a keen marketing sensibility.
Surprisingly, the website is really real (No, I did not click the link, I took another way round). A company called "Advanced Laboratories Inc" (Wow, that sounds pro) has a patch for sale that makes your meat stick a Killer. The website is a strange mashup of a Claritin commercial, soft porn, and a medical horror novel. Kind of reminded me of this, possibly the best movie trailer of all time:
KTHXBYE,
-CZ
0 Comments
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Would you like to have a killer meat stick? If you do, Penis Enlarge Patch should be for you.
http://www.tudart.com/
Now this is funnier than a lot of the 'funny' e-mails I get from people. I'm thinking Jagged Spiral should change its name to "Killer Meat Stick". It has some punch to it; memorable, with a certain air of urgency and a keen marketing sensibility.
Surprisingly, the website is really real (No, I did not click the link, I took another way round). A company called "Advanced Laboratories Inc" (Wow, that sounds pro) has a patch for sale that makes your meat stick a Killer. The website is a strange mashup of a Claritin commercial, soft porn, and a medical horror novel. Kind of reminded me of this, possibly the best movie trailer of all time:
KTHXBYE,
-CZ
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Shitty Coffee
The topic is simply begging to be ridiculed - Coffee made from beans eaten and pooped out by civets.
No, really.
I bet every blogger from here to Indonesia has a joke ready for this one. One blogger even pulled this snippet from Austin Powers which made me laugh:
It seems more economical to do what I do, add a bunch of shit to your existing shitty coffee - Chocolate, sugar, steamed milk, mint, more chocolate... until it becomes drinkable. That is still a better value than $600 a pound for coffee made from civet droppings.
KTHXBYE,
-CZ
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No, really.
I bet every blogger from here to Indonesia has a joke ready for this one. One blogger even pulled this snippet from Austin Powers which made me laugh:
It seems more economical to do what I do, add a bunch of shit to your existing shitty coffee - Chocolate, sugar, steamed milk, mint, more chocolate... until it becomes drinkable. That is still a better value than $600 a pound for coffee made from civet droppings.
KTHXBYE,
-CZ
Thursday, May 17, 2007
A boy and his snake
0 Comments PermalinkTuesday, April 10, 2007
Orgasmic Calculator
Fantastic.
http://www.joke-pages.com/jokes/images/org-calc.swf
To quote Marillion, "Thank God For the Internet"
Blog on,
-CZ
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http://www.joke-pages.com/jokes/images/org-calc.swf
To quote Marillion, "Thank God For the Internet"
Blog on,
-CZ
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Happy St Patrick's Day
Joe Cartoon slams home the true spirit of St. Patricks Day.
Cheers!
PS: While you're at it, you should test your Kung-Fu Grip here.
Blog on,
-CZ
0 Comments
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Cheers!
PS: While you're at it, you should test your Kung-Fu Grip here.
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: Funny
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Happy To Help
Q: What do these things have in common?
A: They would all make Terrible Valentines Day Gifts
Blog on,
-CZ
2 Comments
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A: They would all make Terrible Valentines Day Gifts
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: consumerism, Funny
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Coolness Test
How cool are you anyway?
Ah, who needs a test anyway? Besides, if you're reading this blog, then you must be pretty fucking cool.
Blog on,
-CZ
0 Comments
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Ah, who needs a test anyway? Besides, if you're reading this blog, then you must be pretty fucking cool.
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: Funny, Online Tests
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Get A *First* Life
For those of you who tried out SecondLife..
Check this out. Way funny.
"Access your closet to build your FirstLife look!"
"Fornicate using your actual genitals!"
"Why can't I build a dirigible with my mind?"
"Membership is Free!"
Priceless.
Blog on,
-CZ
0 Comments
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Check this out. Way funny.
"Access your closet to build your FirstLife look!"
"Fornicate using your actual genitals!"
"Why can't I build a dirigible with my mind?"
"Membership is Free!"
Priceless.
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: Cool Website, Funny
Friday, January 19, 2007
How was YOUR day?
0 Comments PermalinkFriday, January 12, 2007
God Kills Kittens
0 Comments PermalinkTuesday, January 02, 2007
First post of the new year
I'm not big on New Year's Resolutions. They're great for people who don't generally bother to make changes in their lives, so at least once a year they reevaluate what they could to to make things better for themselves and the world around them.
But, I decided I would start out this years blog posting with something special, something that would set a new tone for this blog, and turn it into something more useful, something extraordinary, a reference that people will turn to again and again throughout the year.
And so, I give you - Cats That Look Like Hitler
[Thanks Mom, for the link]
Blog on,
-CZ
0 Comments
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But, I decided I would start out this years blog posting with something special, something that would set a new tone for this blog, and turn it into something more useful, something extraordinary, a reference that people will turn to again and again throughout the year.
And so, I give you - Cats That Look Like Hitler
[Thanks Mom, for the link]
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: Cool Website, Funny
Friday, November 03, 2006
Why is the truth funny?
0 Comments PermalinkInstant Hitman
Finally! I have been waiting for this online service. Makes it very easy to order an assassination. I ordered 'the Works' which, according to the website is
'...combined strangling, stabbing, bludgoning, shooting, and dismembering.'
For a meager $75.29.
By the way, if Chris Carrabarra owes you any money or favors, you might want to collect soon.
I'm just sayin...
Blog on,
-CZ
0 Comments
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'...combined strangling, stabbing, bludgoning, shooting, and dismembering.'
For a meager $75.29.
By the way, if Chris Carrabarra owes you any money or favors, you might want to collect soon.
I'm just sayin...
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: Cool Website, Funny, Web Tools
Friday, October 20, 2006
Why EA Games Sucks - A Parable
"Welcome to Worst Buy, can I help you?"
"Yeah, I'd like to buy the new video game, Battlefield 2142"
"That is a great game, its on sale for fifty dollars... Thank you, here is your change, enjoy the game! Now, if you will just stand over here with your legs apart and your hands at your sides..."
"What? What's all this?"
"Um, well you see, every purchase of Battlefield 2142 comes with a kick in the balls from Lugash. So Lugash here is going to kick you in the balls to fulfill the purchase agreement."
"But I don't want to be kicked in the balls."
"Totally understandable sir, but Lugash here has paid EA Games a LOT of money in order to get this kick in the balls included with the game."
"Look, it didn't say anything about this on the box! I just want to play the game, I don't want..."
"Of course you don't sir, but if you read the EULA you will see that by purchasing the game, you have already agreed..."
"Hey, fuck the EULA, and fuck you too! What right does this guy have to kick me in the balls just because I'm buying a video game?"
"Sorry sir, but it IS a Free Market, and EA Games is a business. A business that wants to make money. Therefore when Lugash offers them money to include a kick in the balls with their product, they have every right to make such arrangements. Now, you are always free to have your balls removed, and then Lugash can't kick them...."
Think I'm kidding? Change 'kick in the balls' to 'in-game advertising'. Or read the review of Battlefield 2142 here.
The moral of the story is that EA stands for Evil Advertising.
Blog on,
-CZ
3 Comments
Permalink
"Yeah, I'd like to buy the new video game, Battlefield 2142"
"That is a great game, its on sale for fifty dollars... Thank you, here is your change, enjoy the game! Now, if you will just stand over here with your legs apart and your hands at your sides..."
"What? What's all this?"
"Um, well you see, every purchase of Battlefield 2142 comes with a kick in the balls from Lugash. So Lugash here is going to kick you in the balls to fulfill the purchase agreement."
"But I don't want to be kicked in the balls."
"Totally understandable sir, but Lugash here has paid EA Games a LOT of money in order to get this kick in the balls included with the game."
"Look, it didn't say anything about this on the box! I just want to play the game, I don't want..."
"Of course you don't sir, but if you read the EULA you will see that by purchasing the game, you have already agreed..."
"Hey, fuck the EULA, and fuck you too! What right does this guy have to kick me in the balls just because I'm buying a video game?"
"Sorry sir, but it IS a Free Market, and EA Games is a business. A business that wants to make money. Therefore when Lugash offers them money to include a kick in the balls with their product, they have every right to make such arrangements. Now, you are always free to have your balls removed, and then Lugash can't kick them...."
Think I'm kidding? Change 'kick in the balls' to 'in-game advertising'. Or read the review of Battlefield 2142 here.
The moral of the story is that EA stands for Evil Advertising.
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: Funny, Ubersuck, Uncool Products, Video Games
Friday, October 06, 2006
George Lucas Does Lord of the Rings
0 Comments PermalinkThursday, September 21, 2006
The Ring in thirty seconds (with bunnies!)
This should keep you busy for 30 seconds or so, and save you about four bucks rental on the full version....
If you go to www.angryalien.com there are LOTS more, including 'Raiders of the Lost Ark', 'Jaws', 'Brokeback Mountain', 'Fight Club', 'Alien', 'The Exorcist', 'Borat', 'Casablanca'.....
Blog on,
-CZ
0 Comments
Permalink
If you go to www.angryalien.com there are LOTS more, including 'Raiders of the Lost Ark', 'Jaws', 'Brokeback Mountain', 'Fight Club', 'Alien', 'The Exorcist', 'Borat', 'Casablanca'.....
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: Cool Website, Funny, Ubercool, Videos
Friday, August 25, 2006
Slow-Mo at Home Depot
Ordinarily, I'm against 'practical' jokes, but even I thought this was pretty funny.
A group of about 225 people decend on a Home Depot and synchronize moving very slowly and then freezing for five minutes. They got some video of the event. Classic. I have definitely had days where I wasn't running at the same speed as the rest of the world, for those who have never experienced it, the videos after the link will show you what it must look like.
Thanks to Digg.com for the tip...
Blog on,
-CZ
2 Comments
Permalink
A group of about 225 people decend on a Home Depot and synchronize moving very slowly and then freezing for five minutes. They got some video of the event. Classic. I have definitely had days where I wasn't running at the same speed as the rest of the world, for those who have never experienced it, the videos after the link will show you what it must look like.
Thanks to Digg.com for the tip...
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: Cool Event, Funny
Friday, August 04, 2006
Reasons to attend your High School Reunion
High school reunions were invented by the 'popular people' from school, when popularity failed to follow them past graduation into their new career as a waitress/film-production-assistant's-assistant/phone-sex-operator.
So, in order to rekindle that narccistic flame of self-importance and bask in its feeble glow every ten years or so, they ask you to pay money to gather in the pleasure of their company. Their charisma. Their presence.
Their charismous presence. (Sorry)
It's hard to imagine why you would actually pay to eat with people who wouldn't let you sit near them at lunch before. While I never understood why people think you are interested in them simply because you were forced into the same building with them every weekday for part of your teenage years, I have managed to compile a valid list of reasons you might actually want to attend your High School Reunion.
Trolling - No joke, if you are looking for the hook-up, this is the place. There are only two types of people at the High School Reunion. Those who were More popular than you, and those Less popular than you. One group you have always wanted to nail, and the other group has always wanted to nail you. Bring plenty of protection, and make sure all your shots are up to date.
Revenge - Get-Backs! Remember when so-and-so stole your underwear in the Locker Room while you were in the shower? Remember when so-and-so spread all those nasty rumors about you? This is your chance to return the favor! Get their e-mail address and sign them up for a bunch of porn mail lists! Get them drunk and get a bunch of embarrassing details out of them to spread at the next reunion! Sleep with them, and never call them again! Oh yes, and definitely steal their underwear when you leave...
Selling - If you are into Amway, Mary Kay, Avon, or any Marketing-Scheme-Based business, you can't pass up this opportunity at potential clients. This includes selling of your religious views, so you Jehovah's Witnesses, Scientologists and Fire-N-Brimstone-Sermoners will have access to a new audience...
Redemption - Ah yes, let's not forget redemption, or 'Correcting the Sins of the Past'. So you've seen Flatliners one too many times, and feel the need to set things right? Well, here is your big chance! Go back and admit to so-and-so that you stole their underwear in the locker room while they were in the shower! Tell so-and-so that you started all those nasty rumors about them! Sleep with them, or buy them a drink, and get it all off your chest! Just think, all those years of being an asshole, and you can make amends for the price of a dinner!
Correction - So you were the one everyone made fun of in school, the one whose idea of a good day was finding a quiet place to sit during lunch/recess where you wouldn't be picked on. You were a misunderstood artiste, unfairly labeled as a 'freak', but finally, you can shed the labels of the past and change the misplaced public perception of yourself! You got your braces off now, and have long since traded in your DND books for a weapon collector's license. Rent yourself a pimped-out stretch SUV and a half-dozen female 'escorts', an Armani silk suit, and enough cologne to announce your arrival minutes before you actually arrive. Don't forget to work on a hint of foreign accent. Ah, the looks on their faces when you bust out a Colt .44 Anaconda Custom! That will change their opinion of you right-quick! Get ready to hear, "Wow, you've really changed..."
Show-Off - This might fall under the 'revenge' category in some cases and 'correction' category in others. But if you are doing well, there is no better place to show off your success and brag about how great you are, than to a group of people who are coming to see you and ask all about what you have been up to for the past ten years. This is the reason the popular people go, and the reason Reunions were invented in the first place. And even if you aren't doing that well, you can still lie...
Realization - If you grew up to be an average person - truly average - and for some reason feel that you should've/could've/would've done better, you owe it to yourself to go to your Reunion, and see the whack jobs who show up there. Go and see all the people preaching/selling/trolling/brandishing firearms. Go to see the prom queen with her third husband and eight misbehaving children. Go and see the Jock who used to push you around, but who now weighs over 300 lbs and the only thing he is pushing is a chair - up to the buffet table, because 'the plates are too damn small'. Go to remind yourself why you never talked to these people after graduation...
Blog on,
-CZ
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So, in order to rekindle that narccistic flame of self-importance and bask in its feeble glow every ten years or so, they ask you to pay money to gather in the pleasure of their company. Their charisma. Their presence.
Their charismous presence. (Sorry)
It's hard to imagine why you would actually pay to eat with people who wouldn't let you sit near them at lunch before. While I never understood why people think you are interested in them simply because you were forced into the same building with them every weekday for part of your teenage years, I have managed to compile a valid list of reasons you might actually want to attend your High School Reunion.
Trolling - No joke, if you are looking for the hook-up, this is the place. There are only two types of people at the High School Reunion. Those who were More popular than you, and those Less popular than you. One group you have always wanted to nail, and the other group has always wanted to nail you. Bring plenty of protection, and make sure all your shots are up to date.
Revenge - Get-Backs! Remember when so-and-so stole your underwear in the Locker Room while you were in the shower? Remember when so-and-so spread all those nasty rumors about you? This is your chance to return the favor! Get their e-mail address and sign them up for a bunch of porn mail lists! Get them drunk and get a bunch of embarrassing details out of them to spread at the next reunion! Sleep with them, and never call them again! Oh yes, and definitely steal their underwear when you leave...
Selling - If you are into Amway, Mary Kay, Avon, or any Marketing-Scheme-Based business, you can't pass up this opportunity at potential clients. This includes selling of your religious views, so you Jehovah's Witnesses, Scientologists and Fire-N-Brimstone-Sermoners will have access to a new audience...
Redemption - Ah yes, let's not forget redemption, or 'Correcting the Sins of the Past'. So you've seen Flatliners one too many times, and feel the need to set things right? Well, here is your big chance! Go back and admit to so-and-so that you stole their underwear in the locker room while they were in the shower! Tell so-and-so that you started all those nasty rumors about them! Sleep with them, or buy them a drink, and get it all off your chest! Just think, all those years of being an asshole, and you can make amends for the price of a dinner!
Correction - So you were the one everyone made fun of in school, the one whose idea of a good day was finding a quiet place to sit during lunch/recess where you wouldn't be picked on. You were a misunderstood artiste, unfairly labeled as a 'freak', but finally, you can shed the labels of the past and change the misplaced public perception of yourself! You got your braces off now, and have long since traded in your DND books for a weapon collector's license. Rent yourself a pimped-out stretch SUV and a half-dozen female 'escorts', an Armani silk suit, and enough cologne to announce your arrival minutes before you actually arrive. Don't forget to work on a hint of foreign accent. Ah, the looks on their faces when you bust out a Colt .44 Anaconda Custom! That will change their opinion of you right-quick! Get ready to hear, "Wow, you've really changed..."
Show-Off - This might fall under the 'revenge' category in some cases and 'correction' category in others. But if you are doing well, there is no better place to show off your success and brag about how great you are, than to a group of people who are coming to see you and ask all about what you have been up to for the past ten years. This is the reason the popular people go, and the reason Reunions were invented in the first place. And even if you aren't doing that well, you can still lie...
Realization - If you grew up to be an average person - truly average - and for some reason feel that you should've/could've/would've done better, you owe it to yourself to go to your Reunion, and see the whack jobs who show up there. Go and see all the people preaching/selling/trolling/brandishing firearms. Go to see the prom queen with her third husband and eight misbehaving children. Go and see the Jock who used to push you around, but who now weighs over 300 lbs and the only thing he is pushing is a chair - up to the buffet table, because 'the plates are too damn small'. Go to remind yourself why you never talked to these people after graduation...
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: Funny, Open Letter
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Uwe Boll Vs Quentin Tarantino
God, I wish I was making this up. Uwe Boll, the man responsible for such atrocisities against humanity as "Alone In The Dark" and "Bloodrayne" is somehow still employed making movies based on video games, and currently is wrapping up shooting a movie based on the game Dungeon Siege. Once finished, the worst filmmaker in the world will hack out a movie based on the worst video game in the world: Postal.
For those who don't know, Postal is based loosly around a postal worker who goes bonkers and starts killing people (I seem to remember this was an ongoing occurance, Workers of the US Post Office going on killing sprees, which actually spawned this strange use of the phrase "Going Postal" meaning go into a beserker killing rage - Strange days indeed.) The game was simply a top-down shooter strategy game you can check it out and even download the demo from gamespot. I believe this was the first game to have a flamethrower as a weapon. The goal of the game was just to kill people, and it got all kinds of bad press, and all kinds of kids like me to rush to download the demo.
Imagine the world's surprise when a second version of the game was released, even more over the top, and to give you an idea, one of the weapons at your disposal was your, um..., your well, your penis. Yes that's right, you could piss on anything in the game, including yourself if you pissed straight up in the air, (which was actually how you put yourself out if you caught on fire) And the sound effects were disturbingly good.
No I'm not making this up.
The Postal game series was intended to push the limits of what is acceptable in gaming, just like Uwe Boll's movies push the limits of what is acceptable for entertainment, so the two should be a perfect match.
Now the good part.
Uwe Boll is sick of the criticism he recieves on his dreadful films, and has challenged his detractors to a boxing match. Those who wrote anything negative about Boll before 2006 can send a copy to info@boll-kg.de and some will be selected to go toe-to-toe with Boll in the boxing ring. The boxing matches between Boll and 'those who dont understand his work' will be recorded and parts used in the upcoming Postal movie.
No, really, I am NOT making this up.
Among the challenged is yet another horseshit movie maker: Quentin Tarantino.
Remember when the two geekiest kids in your school fought eachother to see who was at the very bottom of the pecking order? Who will win? Who cares! I personally think they should fight eachother in the ring with flamethrowers, then everyone wins!
Blog on,
-CZ
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For those who don't know, Postal is based loosly around a postal worker who goes bonkers and starts killing people (I seem to remember this was an ongoing occurance, Workers of the US Post Office going on killing sprees, which actually spawned this strange use of the phrase "Going Postal" meaning go into a beserker killing rage - Strange days indeed.) The game was simply a top-down shooter strategy game you can check it out and even download the demo from gamespot. I believe this was the first game to have a flamethrower as a weapon. The goal of the game was just to kill people, and it got all kinds of bad press, and all kinds of kids like me to rush to download the demo.
Imagine the world's surprise when a second version of the game was released, even more over the top, and to give you an idea, one of the weapons at your disposal was your, um..., your well, your penis. Yes that's right, you could piss on anything in the game, including yourself if you pissed straight up in the air, (which was actually how you put yourself out if you caught on fire) And the sound effects were disturbingly good.
No I'm not making this up.
The Postal game series was intended to push the limits of what is acceptable in gaming, just like Uwe Boll's movies push the limits of what is acceptable for entertainment, so the two should be a perfect match.
Now the good part.
Uwe Boll is sick of the criticism he recieves on his dreadful films, and has challenged his detractors to a boxing match. Those who wrote anything negative about Boll before 2006 can send a copy to info@boll-kg.de and some will be selected to go toe-to-toe with Boll in the boxing ring. The boxing matches between Boll and 'those who dont understand his work' will be recorded and parts used in the upcoming Postal movie.
No, really, I am NOT making this up.
Among the challenged is yet another horseshit movie maker: Quentin Tarantino.
Remember when the two geekiest kids in your school fought eachother to see who was at the very bottom of the pecking order? Who will win? Who cares! I personally think they should fight eachother in the ring with flamethrowers, then everyone wins!
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: Funny, Movie News
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Movie Review - Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Mans Chest
I wanted to write a good review for the latest Disney Blockbuster With The Longest Movie Name Ever, but I found one that is better than I could ever write.
Who am I to argue with a ninja?
Blog on,
-CZ
4 Comments
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Who am I to argue with a ninja?
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: Funny, movie reviews, Videos
Friday, July 14, 2006
The Trunk Monkey
Check out the revolutionary new feature, Trunkmonkey. At least the commercials are better than that gorram 'OnStar' crap...
Blog on,
-CZ
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Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: Cool Website, Funny, Videos
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Oblivion - Archetypal Shift
I'm playing Oblivion now, which is awe-and-some. The level of detail in the character generation is stupid, for a game where you switch between first-person view and third-person view, and in neither case can you see your own face. I quickly developed my favorite alter-ego, a thief/assassin, and set out.
Oblivion is open-ended both in plot and in skills. You can go anywhere you like, and while there is an overall plot, you don't have to follow it. Your skills increase for whatever you keep doing. For instance, the more locks you pick, the better you get, the more you jump around the more your Acrobatics skill increases. I began working on my sneaking and lockpicking skills, and use of a bow and daggers.
At one point, you are given an option to pick from a list of character occupations or archetypes (fighter, scout, mage, witchhunter, priest...) and I started to pick Assassin, when my Inner Philosopher woke up.
IP: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm picking my character's occupation."
IP: "Assassin again, hmm?"
Me: "What?"
IP: "Well, don't you always pick the Assassin?"
Me: "Sure, because it's my favorite."
IP: "Have you ever played anything else?"
Me: "Well, no..."
IP: "Then how do you know if you wouldn't like something else better?"
Me: "I like the Assassin, and I'm playing the Assassin."
IP: "Fine, fine, I was just wondering what that might mean about your personality."
Me: "Right. It means that my mad sneaking-around-skillz allowed me to live through High School, and now I can use those same skillz to unload a Quick Shadowy Death on the virtual residents of Oblivion."
IP: [yawns] "It could also mean you are a cowardly bastard who just likes to shoot other people in the back."
Me: "Do you really think I paid $50 for this game in order to develop a new virtual skillset?"
IP: [Deathly Silence]
Me: "Fine. I will pick some other occupation if you will stop that."
IP: [Normal Silence]
Me: "Thank you."
So I started over and made a Fighter. A real fighter. I mean a Drinks Petrol and Pisses Nitrogliceryne fighter. He is also a lizard who can breathe underwater. I picked a name in the lizard tongue which means, "Eater of Puppy Dogs For Breakfast". He carries an axe so big it blocks out half the screen (Note To Self: Need bigger monitor.).
And no more sneaking. When I enter a dungeon, I yell, "Woe to all who are here, for I have come to paint the walls of this place with your blood!" This has several advantages:
-The wimpy characters run. They weren't worth my time anyway.
-The tough guys come out of the woodwork, so I don't have to go looking for them. (Note to Virtual Self: Need bigger duffel for healing potions.)
-It makes me feel like a tough guy. Even if the dungeon is empty.
This is very strange for me, and not a very easy playing style for me to get used to. Plus, I doubt the skills I'm learning by 'Stretching Out' and playing a gregarious, blundering oaf will translate well to the real world:
Troubled CoWorker: "Conrad! I'm so glad you are here, there's a problem with my computer!"
Me: "Ha! How Dare it trouble you poor, helpless cubicle dweller! I am here to destroy your computer problems!"
Troubled and Disturbed CoWorker: "But don't you want to know what's wrong with it first?"
Me: "A waste of time! Look! I have already gutted this machination of evil, and I will hang the entrails around your cube! The next computer you get will think twice about giving you problems!"
Troubled and Really Disturbed CoWorker: "Great...um, thanks. Guess I'll be leaving early today..."
Blog on,
-CZ
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Oblivion is open-ended both in plot and in skills. You can go anywhere you like, and while there is an overall plot, you don't have to follow it. Your skills increase for whatever you keep doing. For instance, the more locks you pick, the better you get, the more you jump around the more your Acrobatics skill increases. I began working on my sneaking and lockpicking skills, and use of a bow and daggers.
At one point, you are given an option to pick from a list of character occupations or archetypes (fighter, scout, mage, witchhunter, priest...) and I started to pick Assassin, when my Inner Philosopher woke up.
IP: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm picking my character's occupation."
IP: "Assassin again, hmm?"
Me: "What?"
IP: "Well, don't you always pick the Assassin?"
Me: "Sure, because it's my favorite."
IP: "Have you ever played anything else?"
Me: "Well, no..."
IP: "Then how do you know if you wouldn't like something else better?"
Me: "I like the Assassin, and I'm playing the Assassin."
IP: "Fine, fine, I was just wondering what that might mean about your personality."
Me: "Right. It means that my mad sneaking-around-skillz allowed me to live through High School, and now I can use those same skillz to unload a Quick Shadowy Death on the virtual residents of Oblivion."
IP: [yawns] "It could also mean you are a cowardly bastard who just likes to shoot other people in the back."
Me: "Do you really think I paid $50 for this game in order to develop a new virtual skillset?"
IP: [Deathly Silence]
Me: "Fine. I will pick some other occupation if you will stop that."
IP: [Normal Silence]
Me: "Thank you."
So I started over and made a Fighter. A real fighter. I mean a Drinks Petrol and Pisses Nitrogliceryne fighter. He is also a lizard who can breathe underwater. I picked a name in the lizard tongue which means, "Eater of Puppy Dogs For Breakfast". He carries an axe so big it blocks out half the screen (Note To Self: Need bigger monitor.).
And no more sneaking. When I enter a dungeon, I yell, "Woe to all who are here, for I have come to paint the walls of this place with your blood!" This has several advantages:
-The wimpy characters run. They weren't worth my time anyway.
-The tough guys come out of the woodwork, so I don't have to go looking for them. (Note to Virtual Self: Need bigger duffel for healing potions.)
-It makes me feel like a tough guy. Even if the dungeon is empty.
This is very strange for me, and not a very easy playing style for me to get used to. Plus, I doubt the skills I'm learning by 'Stretching Out' and playing a gregarious, blundering oaf will translate well to the real world:
Troubled CoWorker: "Conrad! I'm so glad you are here, there's a problem with my computer!"
Me: "Ha! How Dare it trouble you poor, helpless cubicle dweller! I am here to destroy your computer problems!"
Troubled and Disturbed CoWorker: "But don't you want to know what's wrong with it first?"
Me: "A waste of time! Look! I have already gutted this machination of evil, and I will hang the entrails around your cube! The next computer you get will think twice about giving you problems!"
Troubled and Really Disturbed CoWorker: "Great...um, thanks. Guess I'll be leaving early today..."
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: Funny, Inner Philosopher, Video Games
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
The end of ze world
The Ice Punk Princess of Darkness tipped me off about this video:"The End Of Ze World"
Note that it is better written and more entertaining than current television programming.
Seriously. I turned on the TeeVee the other day, and suddenly realized why I usually don't. People bickering, blaming, and talking over eachother in frustrated, heated tones? Funny, I just got home from a whole fucking day of that. And I got paid for it. I'm not going to sit at home and listen to that shit for free. If the network wants me to watch Donald Trump and a bunch of high-school rejects work their product-placement into the program because people don't watch the commercials anymore...
...I have very reasonable rates.
Blog on,
-CZ
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Note that it is better written and more entertaining than current television programming.
Seriously. I turned on the TeeVee the other day, and suddenly realized why I usually don't. People bickering, blaming, and talking over eachother in frustrated, heated tones? Funny, I just got home from a whole fucking day of that. And I got paid for it. I'm not going to sit at home and listen to that shit for free. If the network wants me to watch Donald Trump and a bunch of high-school rejects work their product-placement into the program because people don't watch the commercials anymore...
...I have very reasonable rates.
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: consumerism, Funny, Videos
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Disney Remakes Titanic
I can't really remember the last time I saw SNL, but I remember it was a long time ago, and I remember it hadn't been funny for a longer while yet. So I was quite surprised to find this little gem. If they had more stuff like this, that was actually funny, I might have kept watching...
...nah, probably not.
Blog on,
-CZ
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...nah, probably not.
Blog on,
-CZ
Monday, November 07, 2005
Cola Review : Jolt Cola
Jolt cola has been re-released in convenient, resealable, 695ml, battery-shaped cans, and several new flavors. As a public service, I have sampled each flavor, and here are my findings:
Jolt Cola - The original. Ick. I never liked the original Jolt, but then again, you didn't drink Jolt because it tasted good; same as Red Bull and the other energy drink clones. You drink it because the mail server is *down* and I don't care if it is 3AM, By God, if you don't get that thing fixed by the time the boss gets to the office to check his daily milflist, you might just as well jump in the car, head to Canada, and never look back...
Appearance: Color was standard dark-brown cola crossed with coffee.
Aroma: Earthy Bittersweet Cola mixed with Hydrochloric Acid and Wookie Scrotum.
Taste: The taste was flat, stale, Pepsi, only more bitter, and more sweet, and still more bitter.
Effect: The ghastly taste has more effect on your state of awareness than the caffeine and sugar combined.
Overall Evaluation: Like I said, Ick. With other flavors to choose from, the only use for this is to mix with alcohols for interesting effect and for stripping paint. Do not take on an empty stomach.
Jolt Cherry Bomb - Now we are talking. I have always loved Jolt Cherry Bomb, and the fact that it was difficult to find only made it more attractive.
Appearance: Color was standard cherry cola color, no surprises.
Aroma: Unmistakable cherry cola and a hint of tangy, wet leather.
Taste: Thankfully, the taste has not changed - Sweet cherry and slightly bitter cola with a surprisingly smooth finish.
Effect: Similar to the effect of eating a kilo of chocolate and a kilo of raw Sumatra coffee beans. Decreases reaction time to a negative number, meaning the body can react slightly before stimulus occurs. Increases eye-hand coordination along with speed; making it possible to thread a sewing machine while it is still running.
Overall Evaluation: OMFG. Without question, the best cherry cola ever made. Do not exceed .733 of one can in a 24-hour period, or Spontaneous Human Combustion can occur.
Jolt Red - Be careful, this can is very similar to the regular Jolt Cola but significantly different in both taste and effects.
Appearance: Unnatural glowing bright red. Actually glows in the dark. Glow increases when shaken (Warning: DO NOT SHAKE!)
Aroma: Pungent floral and tropical fruit with a splash of turpentine.
Taste: So impossibly sweet that the taste of smoked salmon, guava and an entire acre of condensed pseudo-fruit is nearly imperceptible.
Effect: Limited superhuman abilities, possibly including the ability to fly (I was not able to test this due to non-availability of someone to spot me, but I was quite sure I could fly if I only jumped off something high enough.)
Overall Evaluation: Dangerous, possibly flammable. Do not smoke while drinking this product. Attracts killer bees. Do NOT sell to third world countries or terrorists. Does not stain; instead, it actually disintegrates most common elements.
Jolt Blue - Surprise! I had low expectations from a beverage I thought might actually stain my tongue permanently blue, but was overjoyed when I tasted it. I was not so overjoyed when it foamed all over the place when the can was opened.
Appearance: Liquefied Smurf.
Aroma: Extremely strong odor of Grey Latex Paint and Cilantro massively overpowered by Dark Fruity Citrus and Raspberries.
Taste: Highly carbonated, Blue Raspberry Snow Cone, mixed with Ammonia and Tang.
Effect: Hysteria, Dementia, Visual and Auditory Hallucinations, Blackouts, Memory Loss.
Overall Evaluation: Excellent cohesion, bonds in seconds. Stains everything it comes in contact with bright blue, but cleans up easily with Liquid Nitrogen. May attack some plastics. Mixes well with tequila; best results were achieved when mixed one part Jolt Blue to 6x10^3 parts Cuervo 1600. Seems to negate the effects of Jolt Red, resulting in a warm sparkling water when mixed together.
Jolt Ultra - This sugar/carb free alternative was another unexpected pleasure, and a fine addition to the Jolt family. Contains Splenda sweetener.
Appearance: New Bright Green Radiator Fluid mixed with Old Bright Green Alien Urine.
Aroma: Weak Citrus Fruit with a hint of overripe bananas and seawater.
Taste: Radiator Fluid and Uranium 238, but mostly watered down Mountain Dew.
Effect: Heightened sensory awareness, body temperature raised enough to melt snow within one meter; making this a poor choice for those attempting winter sports. Causes all bodily fluids to glow in the dark.
Overall Evaluation: I always wondered what they did with the used coolant from nuclear reactors. Slightly less flavor than the rest of the Jolt family, but with no carbs, this is still a great alternative to Crystal Meth. Half life of 4.5 billion years. Contact the EPA for disposal of containers.
Nutrition info from the website (like you care):
Jolt Cola:
Serving Size: 8 fl. oz.
Amount Per Serving
Calories 100
% Daily Value*
Total Fat 0 g 0%
Sodium 10 mg 1%
Potassium 0 mg 0%
Total Carbohydrate 27 g 9%
Sugars 27 g
Protein 0 g 0%
Vitamin C 0%
Not a significant source of other nutrients.
*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.
Blog on,
-CZ
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Jolt Cola - The original. Ick. I never liked the original Jolt, but then again, you didn't drink Jolt because it tasted good; same as Red Bull and the other energy drink clones. You drink it because the mail server is *down* and I don't care if it is 3AM, By God, if you don't get that thing fixed by the time the boss gets to the office to check his daily milflist, you might just as well jump in the car, head to Canada, and never look back...
Appearance: Color was standard dark-brown cola crossed with coffee.
Aroma: Earthy Bittersweet Cola mixed with Hydrochloric Acid and Wookie Scrotum.
Taste: The taste was flat, stale, Pepsi, only more bitter, and more sweet, and still more bitter.
Effect: The ghastly taste has more effect on your state of awareness than the caffeine and sugar combined.
Overall Evaluation: Like I said, Ick. With other flavors to choose from, the only use for this is to mix with alcohols for interesting effect and for stripping paint. Do not take on an empty stomach.
Jolt Cherry Bomb - Now we are talking. I have always loved Jolt Cherry Bomb, and the fact that it was difficult to find only made it more attractive.
Appearance: Color was standard cherry cola color, no surprises.
Aroma: Unmistakable cherry cola and a hint of tangy, wet leather.
Taste: Thankfully, the taste has not changed - Sweet cherry and slightly bitter cola with a surprisingly smooth finish.
Effect: Similar to the effect of eating a kilo of chocolate and a kilo of raw Sumatra coffee beans. Decreases reaction time to a negative number, meaning the body can react slightly before stimulus occurs. Increases eye-hand coordination along with speed; making it possible to thread a sewing machine while it is still running.
Overall Evaluation: OMFG. Without question, the best cherry cola ever made. Do not exceed .733 of one can in a 24-hour period, or Spontaneous Human Combustion can occur.
Jolt Red - Be careful, this can is very similar to the regular Jolt Cola but significantly different in both taste and effects.
Appearance: Unnatural glowing bright red. Actually glows in the dark. Glow increases when shaken (Warning: DO NOT SHAKE!)
Aroma: Pungent floral and tropical fruit with a splash of turpentine.
Taste: So impossibly sweet that the taste of smoked salmon, guava and an entire acre of condensed pseudo-fruit is nearly imperceptible.
Effect: Limited superhuman abilities, possibly including the ability to fly (I was not able to test this due to non-availability of someone to spot me, but I was quite sure I could fly if I only jumped off something high enough.)
Overall Evaluation: Dangerous, possibly flammable. Do not smoke while drinking this product. Attracts killer bees. Do NOT sell to third world countries or terrorists. Does not stain; instead, it actually disintegrates most common elements.
Jolt Blue - Surprise! I had low expectations from a beverage I thought might actually stain my tongue permanently blue, but was overjoyed when I tasted it. I was not so overjoyed when it foamed all over the place when the can was opened.
Appearance: Liquefied Smurf.
Aroma: Extremely strong odor of Grey Latex Paint and Cilantro massively overpowered by Dark Fruity Citrus and Raspberries.
Taste: Highly carbonated, Blue Raspberry Snow Cone, mixed with Ammonia and Tang.
Effect: Hysteria, Dementia, Visual and Auditory Hallucinations, Blackouts, Memory Loss.
Overall Evaluation: Excellent cohesion, bonds in seconds. Stains everything it comes in contact with bright blue, but cleans up easily with Liquid Nitrogen. May attack some plastics. Mixes well with tequila; best results were achieved when mixed one part Jolt Blue to 6x10^3 parts Cuervo 1600. Seems to negate the effects of Jolt Red, resulting in a warm sparkling water when mixed together.
Jolt Ultra - This sugar/carb free alternative was another unexpected pleasure, and a fine addition to the Jolt family. Contains Splenda sweetener.
Appearance: New Bright Green Radiator Fluid mixed with Old Bright Green Alien Urine.
Aroma: Weak Citrus Fruit with a hint of overripe bananas and seawater.
Taste: Radiator Fluid and Uranium 238, but mostly watered down Mountain Dew.
Effect: Heightened sensory awareness, body temperature raised enough to melt snow within one meter; making this a poor choice for those attempting winter sports. Causes all bodily fluids to glow in the dark.
Overall Evaluation: I always wondered what they did with the used coolant from nuclear reactors. Slightly less flavor than the rest of the Jolt family, but with no carbs, this is still a great alternative to Crystal Meth. Half life of 4.5 billion years. Contact the EPA for disposal of containers.
Nutrition info from the website (like you care):
Jolt Cola:
Serving Size: 8 fl. oz.
Amount Per Serving
Calories 100
% Daily Value*
Total Fat 0 g 0%
Sodium 10 mg 1%
Potassium 0 mg 0%
Total Carbohydrate 27 g 9%
Sugars 27 g
Protein 0 g 0%
Vitamin C 0%
Not a significant source of other nutrients.
*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: A Day In The Life, Caffeine, Cool Product, Funny
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Why is this funny?
I was recently approached by a fledgling non-profit organization who wanted me to set up Audio and Video for their Inaugural Launch meeting: five microphones through a mixing board to a house PA system, and live video pushed to monitors in another section of the facility. Why is this funny?
The group is Minnesota Women in Film and Television:
a fledgling non-profit organization set up by 40 women taking a pro-active approach to helping women seek success in the male-dominated film and television industry.
hmm...
Don't get me wrong, I am all for groups wanting to help others "seek success" (even if they are blatantly sexist) Not to mention the person who started the organization is a personal acquantance of mine, and a former news celebrity. I would gladly help them if I could, and if they had a webpage I would gladly link to it.
But 40 women who want to seek success in the film and TV industry and none of them can work a mixing board? So they hire a mook to do it? Why is that funny?
Blog on,
-CZ
0 Comments
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The group is Minnesota Women in Film and Television:
a fledgling non-profit organization set up by 40 women taking a pro-active approach to helping women seek success in the male-dominated film and television industry.
hmm...
Don't get me wrong, I am all for groups wanting to help others "seek success" (even if they are blatantly sexist) Not to mention the person who started the organization is a personal acquantance of mine, and a former news celebrity. I would gladly help them if I could, and if they had a webpage I would gladly link to it.
But 40 women who want to seek success in the film and TV industry and none of them can work a mixing board? So they hire a mook to do it? Why is that funny?
Blog on,
-CZ
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Oh My Flying Spaghetti Monster
OK, I knew there was something wrong with the prevailing theories, and now the truth is revealed. The world was, in fact, created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Further Useful Info from the website:
You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s.
The author requests, nay Demands that the FSM theory be taught in schools alongside the the other popular creation theories.
[UPDATE]
You know when Wikipedia lists it, it's gospel.
And, here is a link to the game (Warning: Popups)
Blog on,
-CZ
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You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s.
The author requests, nay Demands that the FSM theory be taught in schools alongside the the other popular creation theories.
[UPDATE]
You know when Wikipedia lists it, it's gospel.
And, here is a link to the game (Warning: Popups)
Blog on,
-CZ
Labels: Cool Website, Funny, Philosophy, Religion, Ubercool
Friday, June 10, 2005
Strindberg + helium
Strindberg + Helium
I've been offline for a while now, think I'm coming down with EverQuest2-itis...
Actually I have been spending much of my free time writing, and I am now up to page 425 in The Demonslayer's Handbook. Hope to finish that puppy up this year. I will certainly toss a few chapters online for anyone interested in reading a draft..
Meanwhile, check out Strindberg and Helium at the link above. My favorite episode is "In the Park". It is Strange. Like you.
-C
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I've been offline for a while now, think I'm coming down with EverQuest2-itis...
Actually I have been spending much of my free time writing, and I am now up to page 425 in The Demonslayer's Handbook. Hope to finish that puppy up this year. I will certainly toss a few chapters online for anyone interested in reading a draft..
Meanwhile, check out Strindberg and Helium at the link above. My favorite episode is "In the Park". It is Strange. Like you.
-C
Labels: Cool Website, Funny
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Dark Dungeons
Alright all you D&D Heathens, rise from the depths (of your parent's basement..)it's time for the sermon!
(Try not to pee your pants laughing...)
[Editor's Log: Stardate March 2007 - I just checked this link for validity, and it is still as funny as ever! I'm sooo glad there are whack-O's like this among us, they make life so much more...diverse.]
-C
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(Try not to pee your pants laughing...)
[Editor's Log: Stardate March 2007 - I just checked this link for validity, and it is still as funny as ever! I'm sooo glad there are whack-O's like this among us, they make life so much more...diverse.]
-C
Friday, November 19, 2004
Adopt-A-Sniper
0 Comments PermalinkFriday, October 08, 2004
Rocket-Powered Shopping Cart
0 Comments PermalinkWednesday, September 29, 2004
Tech Support
I guess this is funnier if you have ever had to deal with tech support. Warning! Adult Language. NSFW (Not Safe For Work)
Hold on,
-C
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Hold on,
-C