I’ve decided that the “Republicrat” system of government we currently have in place is not working. Republicans and Democrats have had their chance to fix things, and they’ve both proven themselves incapable of acting reasonably, rationally or amicably with each other.

Therefore, I have declared myself as King of the United States. My first acts as King are as follows:

• The Metric System. Right Fucking Now.
• Tom Green, Adam Sandler and Howard Stern are to be Stoned to Death for crimes against comedy.
• Bruce Springsteen can choose between Exile and being Stoned to Death. (Why? ‘The Rising’ is an unforgivable cash-in on the 9-11 tragedy. Nice try, Jerk. Get the hell out of my country.)
• George Lucas is hereby ordered to retract the Star Wars episodes I, II, and III, and refund all the money paid to moviegoers. He is then given one year per episode to remake them. If the remakes suck as bad as his first attempts, he will be Stoned to Death for crimes against humanity. If there is any mention of ‘midoclorians’ he will be Burned at the Stake.
• No More “Life in Prison”. The current justice system is not an effective deterrent to crime. Instead of being sentenced to life in prison, guilty parties will be Burned to Death in the town square. This will be televised and free for public viewing (Rating PG-13)
• No More Traditional Prisons. Those who cannot abide by the laws laid down by the King will work on self-sufficient farms, providing services for the community; farming, cleaning, recycling, and maintenance of roadways and public areas.
• No More Traditional Courtrooms. Since you Americans like your “reality TV” so much, all trials will be moved to live television, and the audience can vote for justice via phone or internet. It is every person’s moral obligation to vote on these issues. One vote per person.
• There is no longer an expectation of privacy in public areas. All people will have a RFID/GPS chip attached to their brains at birth, so the government can know where you are at all times. Cameras will be mounted at every corner. Your every move will be recorded.
• No person can own more than one billion dollars worth of assets, cash, stocks, etc. The very idea is ridiculous. Anything above and beyond this margin will go to a fund, managed by the King.
• The King will have a secret group of Smokin-Hot Female Ninja Assassins to make sure these laws are enforced.

These are just off the top of my head. I’ll think up more as I go along.

Rule on,
-C

Posted in Culture, Open Letter