Commandments from the King of the United States
Since I previously announced my kingship, I’ve given careful thought to the general direction in which this country is heading. In my continuing struggle to make America a better place, here are some more commandments which go into effect immediately:
Regarding the War on Porn
Im sure you have all read the news about The War on Porn, but fear not. The War is over.
Porn is not a problem, American attitudes are a problem. Europeans have had topless advertisements forever, but Janet Jackson whips out a mammary at the Super Bowl, and Americans have a fucking Grand Mal. NO MORE!
I am hereby disbanding the FCC, the RIAA and whatever ridiculous task force the government might have put together to waste taxpayer money, and save us from bestiality videos. If someone wants to videotape themselves being tied up, stripped and whipped, and post it to their website, then they have the right to do so. If people would like to volunteer their free time to putting together a list of websites you shouldn’t look at, they have the right to do so. If you would like to take their advice, you have the right to do so.
The National Anthem
The National Anthem has now been changed to Nirvana’s Nevermind. The entire album.
Regarding the Flooding in New Orleans
Two items of note:
- New Orleans is right next to An Amazingly Large Body Of Water.
- New Orleans is Lower In Altitude Than the Amazingly Large Body Of Water. (See note 1.)
Do the Math.
Therefore, what was formerly known as ‘New Orleans’ is now officially called ‘New Orleans Bay’, and instead of wasting resources on restoration so this catastrophe can repeat in a decade or two, the efforts will be spent on relocating the people and businesses to places Above Sea Level.
A Warning to California
Californians should take note of the predicament in New Orleans, and when the SanAndreas Fault breaks, and California slides off into the ocean, I promise we will not build a wall around you and pump the water out like New Orleans.
Regarding the Military
All overseas military are to be returned home, where they can serve and protect their country. All foreign ops will be performed by spies sent out to foreign countries. Any country which acts against the US will be converted into a giant, radioactive parking lot. No joke.
One-World Currency
United States currency will switch over to the Euro, along with a solemn apology for dumping all that tea in the ocean years ago. Lets let bygones be bygones, and work towards One World Currency.
Regarding the Buick Corporation
The owner of the Buick Corporation will immediately be burned at the stake for using the Aerosmith song ‘Dream On’ in a car commercial. Just because there is no more RIAA, doesnt mean we take timeless classics and debase them by using them to sell mediocre cars.
Plenty more commandments to come…
Conrad Zero, King of the United States
