As mentioned in a previous post, I’ve joined forces with MNSpec – the Speculative Fiction writers group. For July’s writing review, I entered the short story “Yellow King” – a prequel which introduces the characters and mythos of my upcoming novel, “The Demonslayer’s Handbook”.

The writer’s group met last Sunday and I was one of five authors on the critique hot-seat. If I learned one thing, it’s that getting honest criticism of your work is awkward. And sifting out good criticism from bad is difficult.

Wait, that’s two things I learned.

Actually, I learned a lot.

A Kick in the Balls… or not?

Opinions differed about many aspects of my story, but none as interesting as the division of opinions about our hero Nix kicking some jerk in the balls. There seemed to be no middle ground on this one. Half the group felt it was cliche and trite. The other half thought it was completely understandable and in-character.

My reasoning behind writing the kick-in-the-balls scene:

• I needed to disable the jerk character, and make sure he didn’t leave the scene, or put up resistance.
• It helps define the hero’s attitude.
• The hero needed a vehicle to make a hasty getaway. After kicking said jerk in the balls, the hero takes his keys.

Kicking him in the balls accomplishes these goals swimmingly, and has the following added bonus features:

• Most people know the effects of kicking someone in the balls (even those who haven’t experienced it firsthand) making it a very efficient narrative. One sentence conveys it all.
• It adds a touch of comic relief.
• It insinuates some sexual domination of the hero over the jerk.

The major drawback is that enough people (almost 50%) felt it was cliche enough to mention so in the critique. The majority of those who thought kicking a guy in the balls was cliche were women. Then again, the majority of the members of the MNSpec critique group were women.  I’ll let you make your own inferences.

I’ve decided that I’ll see if I can write up an action that disables the jerk, defines the hero,  and doesn’t take up much real estate in the story… without the cliche kick to the scrotum.

Inject the Venom… or not?

Another discussion that ensued was about our Hero ending an argument with her friend by injecting him with a drug that makes him pass out.  Some found this action impossible to justify, and some had no problem with it.

The argument was very similar to the argument about the hero kicking someone in the balls. Those against the action said that it was unnecessary – the hero could simply leave of her own accord. She’s an adult and doesn’t need to knock out this other character and run away. It was labeled ‘aggressively passive-aggressive’ behavior. Although like I said, some people thought it worked just fine.

In this case, I’d have to agree with voting it off the island. It was quick and easy to write. Simpler and faster to dodge the issue than talk about it at length.  I’ll change it, but I’m not exactly thrilled. Why? Because I’m writing an action/adventure story, not a fucking Throap like…

…Buffy The Vampire Slayer

It’s bound to happen.  Write a story about a kick-ass heroine, and the comparisons spew out like beer at a Nascar rally:

• Underworld
• Tomb Raider
• Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter
• V.I. Warshawski
• Buffy The Vampire Slayer
• Know more? Add them to the comments.

Alright, no one really compared my story to V.I. Warshawski. But I learned that I dislike my work being compared to hack TV shows that I’ve never seen. I guess if the genre is popular enough to be lumped into, then there must be a hell of a market.

I suspect that no matter what genre you write in (or what art you create for that matter) there will always be those who have to lump it in with all similar works. Guess I just need to get used to it.

Other Wisdoms

There were some things that everyone agreed on. They liked the pacing. They liked the fight scenes, even people who admitted they didn’t ordinarily like fight scenes, which I took as high praise. They all liked the description of the abandoned medical facility. Everyone liked the main character, Nix.

There were unanimous #EpicFails. Not searching characters for weapons once they are captured is a faux pas. Having weapons easily accessible; ditto. Handily-placed-syringes-labeled-in-the-Queen’s-English is frowned upon.

I don’t agree with all the critiques. Someone said that in a short story I should only have one thing blowing up in a fiery ball of fire and probably not at the start of the story. Obviously, this person has never seen a Michael Bay film.

Someone mockingly pointed out my instances of “Purple Prose” meaning phrases that are, “sensually evocative beyond the requirements of its context”. Point taken, and I appreciate the observation, if not the tone, which was a bit purple itself. I’m trying to take all criticism with a pound of salt, but my editor Sue might be right – she tells me that writers are cursed with terribly thin skin.

One suggestion was for me to ditch the fight scene at the beginning and start several pages into the existing story, with our main character in motion. I might do just that because it makes good sense for the work by itself. I have to remember that it’s detached from the full work. Once the short story becomes integrated into the full work (possibly in a later edition) I’ll likely add the fight scene back in. It means I have to rework the motivation for our hero to leave home.

The biggest praise came from the group organizer Hillary, who said I should try to sell the story before releasing it on the internet for free. I was surprised that anyone thought it worthy of publication. Another person said it had a “pulp sensibility” which I’ll take as a complement.

All in all, there’s plenty of resource in the massive stack of sequoia-killing redlined manuscripts I brought home from the group critique. I’ll rewrite “Yellow King” and pass it along to an editor, then release it for FREE either later this year or early in 2010. Those who are interested in reading it should sign up for the newsletter, or keep checking back here on the blog – you’ll be the first to know.

We’re told that everyone has a story inside them.

Somehow, mine escaped.

I looked over at the printer, and there it was. Over four-hundred, tree-killing pages of adjective-laden, occult/action/adventure nonsense, sure to send even the most patient copy editor into conniptions. (Unless they charged by the mistake.)

As you read this, several rough drafts of “The Demonslayer’s Handbook” are circulating a tightly scrutinized list of pre-readers. In the meantime, I’ve drowned myself in books, websites and RSS feeds on writing/publishing from insiders and outsiders, those who’ve succeeded and failed, those who swear by the system, and those who swear at it. After what seems like ages of introspection and research, I’ve come to several conclusions.

The Complete Fool

First, any writer foolish enough to go through the traditional publishing route for a ‘book deal’ (esp. for fiction) is… a complete fool. Whatever can be said about the recording industry for music goes equally well for the publishing industry. You’d be money ahead using those printed manuscript pages to heat your home this winter.

The Utter Fool

Second, anyone foolish enough to try to self-publish their work of fiction is… an utter fool. Publishers will tell you that Print On Demand is the new ‘vanity press’ and Amazon is destroying the printed world by enticing authors to ‘the Dark Side’ of self-publishing their own works. Why would anyone buy your crap that’s about as low-quality and apocryphal as the average blog post? You’re better off taking all the money you would have put into the set-up fee for Print On Demand, and take it to the casino instead.

The Complete and Utter Fool

Obviously, anyone foolish enough to try to write a work of fiction now-a-days is…well, a complete and utter fool. Especially niche-y, urban fantasy that sounds like a knock-up of Dan Brown’s “Demons and Angels” and “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”.

So the vote is in. Conventional Wisdom has Spoken. Don’t do it. Don’t be a complete and utter fool.

The Rebel

Ha! Good thing I’m a rebel who only listens to conventional wisdom long enough to figure out how to piss everyone off. The book’s very existence is as unplanned as a broken condom; no reason it can’t be leveraged into a Happy Accident.

I’ve no doubt that I’ll be not only a complete and utter fool, but also a complete and utter failure. However, if I may be so bold as to quote the wise King Theoden:

“If this is to be our end, then I would have them make such an end, as to be worthy of remembrance.”

In other words, if I can’t be astounding, then perhaps I can be an astounding failure. I could very well end up the publishing industry’s poster-boy for Why You Should Never, Ever Self Publish!

I’m going to put together a list of goals, and a timeline. I’ll track all the time and expenses spent on this Beautiful Disaster, and I’ll be sure to post all the cold, hard numbers right here on www.conradzero.com.

Just you watch…

Art Is Resistance
-Zero

For all of you Replacements fans out there (sorry, but I refuse to call them ‘Mats’. They aren’t Mats, so stop calling them that. Call them ‘Mints’ or something.) Jim Walsh, writer for City Pages and Reveille Magazine, musician, and all-around local troublemaker, has released a book about the Replacements called All Over But The Shouting. Apparently, it’s an oral history detailing the rise and rise of the Replacements.

The book release party at First Avenue should be quite the shindig, including a slew of bands covering Replacements songs. Revolver Modele will be there. You should too:

Wed Nov 28th
First Avenue
7PM
18+

Tickets are $5.50 plus whatever “Fees” TicketBastard charges. I recommend stopping by First Ave and picking tickets up in advance.

I have a couple ‘essential’ Replacements CDs, and I recorded “The Replacements A to Z” when it aired on KQ92 many years ago. I don’t share the popular opinion that they were the Greatest Minnesota Band That Never Was (although I do allude to that in my novel, The Demonslayer’s Handbook) Then again, I never saw the Replacements live, and it sounds like they got more reputation from their live antics than their music. So it should be interesting to experience them second and third hand from people who lived through the chaos.

Art Is Resistance
-Zero

If you’ve noticed that the blog posts here at conradzero.com were few and far between…

…then you should cut back on your blog reading.

But, for the faithful two or three of you who come here for your fix, I wanted to warn you that the postings are about to become fewer and farther between.

I’m taking a well-earned break from Things-That-Plug-Into-The-Wall, and I should be back in a few weeks, unless I happen across a Cyber Cafe / Hash Bar in Amsterdam, in which case I will update, but it probably wont be legible or intelligible, OR if Turkish Police happen across ME, it might be a while before my next post.

Oh yes, by the way, The First Rough Draft of The Demonslayers Handbook…

…is finished.

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Initial feedback from the pre-pre-preview copy of the rough draft of Evil Looks Good tells me that I tend towards run-on sentences, (nay, run-on-and-on-and-on-some-more-sentences) the very existence of which suggests that I should simply reduce the rambling thought down to a soundbite like asking a painter to just slap some stick figures in there because the damn thing is simply drawing on for too long, or the way you would reduce an entire e-mail down to simply the subject line because, ‘for God’s sake, man, get to the point, because we’re busy people, and can’t be bothered with your pedantic, run-on-sentences…’

Well, This outta shut you up.

Blog on,
-CZ

The Demonslayer’s Handbook is growing by leaps and bounds. Seven pages yesterday, and another seven the day before. Lots of dialog and confrontational scenes. Dialog is easy and fills pages quickly. Confrontation scenes do not. Four confrontation scenes overlapping at the same place at the same time on different planes of reality quadrupally do not. Keeping them all straight in my mind is easy. Keeping them straight in the readers mind is hard.

Stepping back and looking at the work completed so far, I can say this:

At just over 531 pages, double-spaced, the rough rough draft of “The Demonslayer’s Handbook: Part One” is done.

The story in my head is complete. The characters and their motivations are complete. The timing and order of events is complete. The mythos is as complete as it needs to be for this book. The ending is written, not to mention the plot outline for the second book. The story is almost completely written, and could even be read and understood ‘as is’.

There are still small holes of time to fill in, probably another 20 to 30 pages of fluff to tie loose ends together and to move the characters from one place to the next.

I guess I will have a rough draft that I can hand out by the end of the month for peer review. If you want to be on the reading list please let me know. Each copy will cost me over thirty bucks, so I will probably only have a couple hard copies made and then they will have to be shared. That means serious inquires only, and no lolly-gagging…

Anyone know of a good book agent?

Blog on,
-CZ

Disturbing News

I was  going to write Dan Brown a scathing e-mail, with all kinds of nasty language and accusations of plagiarism.

Four persons murdered around a city in a pattern.

Wow, that’s not new. I’m sure that’s been done before, and I’ve seen a map of a pentagram drawn over cities so often in movies that I actually make fun of it in my book.

…by a secret religious cult…

Again, nothing new. Matter of fact, they are the ones most likely to bother murdering people in a pattern around a city, right?

…each of the murder victims is marked with a symbol…

Well of course they are marked with a symbol, they are dedicated to some greater cause. Of course the bodies are marked. Goes without saying….

…representing the four elements of air, earth, fire, and water.

Um, wow. That’s cutting it kind of close. I mean…wow.

OK, so it’s at this point that I start the e-mail to Dan Brown, that is so flaming hot I have to turn on the air conditioning. I’m on the verge of throwing inanimate objects. I’m looking up Mr. Brown’s address, and saving for a plane ticket. I have been working on The Demonslayers Handbook for TWO FUCKING YEARS, and how dare he swipe a major plot point from my work….

…except for one thing. Dan Brown’s “Angels and Demons” was published in 2000, and I started on The Demonslayers Handbook in 2004.

Great. So two years of work just got fucked because Mr. Brown had the idea four years earlier. Who will possibly believe that I came up this plot concept on my own?

No one.

This has suddenly become one of the saddest days of my life.

Curse You, Dan Brown. I know it’s not your fault, but Curse You anyways…

Sincerely,
-Conrad Zero

So I’m working on the Demonslayer’s Handbook, trying to write a barfight scene, and it is just not working.

How come it makes perfect sense for barfights to erupt in movies and on television, but I can’t envision one happening at Psycho Suzi’s here in “friendly” Minneapolis, Minnesota?

The (stereo)typical barfight is like dropping a match into a can of gasoline; one punch, and everyone is swinging. In Minnesota, two people could shoot it out in a bar, with fists/rifles/grenades and everyone would either:

• leave quietly
• break out their cell-phone-cameras to take pictures.

Hmm. Might have to ditch the cause-and-effect logic and reach for the smoke-and-mirrors…

Watched “The Ring 2″ last night. It was surprisingly good. For a movie which has the lamest plot concept in the history of plot concepts, (watch a videotape and die 7 days later) it’s still pretty good. Not as creepy or artistic as the first, but kudos to the writer that the poor-decision-making-teens are notibly removed from the movie after the first five minutes. Refreshing, although the director did watch “The Sixth Sense” too many times. I am not a fan of shocking your audience just to shock them (IE: The Grudge, a terrible movie by the way) but the “spooky kid” thing totally creeps me out…

Ring on,
-CZ

The first 35 pages of The Demonslayer’s Handbook is ready for peer review. The middle of the book… reply hazy, ask again later. Meanwhile, the end of the book is in tatters.

I’m working on page 458 now. Who knew writing was so hard? You see people like Stephen King putting out a book per year and wonder how the hell he does it.

I have a list of beta readers, who are notoriously honest with me about the writing. After the book has been through peer review, and its as good as I can get it, I’ll start approaching editors and agents…

Blog on,
-CZ

Been offline for a while. I might be coming down with EverQuest2-itis…

Actually I have been spending much of my spare time writing. The Demonslayer’s Handbook is now up to 425 pages. The story grows and grows with no end in site, and writing it is like trying to “catch a deluge in a paper cup” to quote Crowded House.

During a rare Non-Writing and Non-EverQuest moment, I tripped across this wonderful website:

Strindberg + Helium

My favorite episode is “At Home with the Kids”.  It is Strange. Like you.

-C