I am legally required to tell you that “I was invited to a pre-release screening of The Devil Inside by Paramount”, which is how I’m able to review it before it’s technically released in theaters. Good thing too, otherwise you might actually have gone to see it.

I am not legally required to tell you that I actually watched the movie as research for the story I’ve been working on about Demons and Demonslayers, called Evil Looks Good.

I feel ethically required to tell you that the movie is a joke, and it actually makes The Blair Witch Project look good.

Review of The Devil Inside

Believe me, before seeing The Devil Inside, you’ll want to get a few spirits into your own body. I recommend Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey. One quart should be sufficient.

First of all, for a movie about demonic possession, it’s about as frightening as tepid queso dip. Here’s a hint to producers wanting to make a horror movie: if you feel the need to have something jump out (be it person, car, dog, cat, bird or whatever) to keep the suspense up… guess what? Your writing sucks. Try adding suspense to your script, and you won’t have to rely on stuff-jumping-out-at-you tactics as a crutch for your lame writing.

Also, is there some law that requires indie films to be shot as a “documentary”? Sure it worked great for Trollhunter, but no one fell for that bullshit with The Blair Witch Project, and no one’s falling for it with The Devil Inside. This story would have been much, much scarier if it were scripted, filmed and cut together like a regular horror film, using the exact same resources. Remember, there’s not much difference between a “documentary” and a “mockumentary”.

The heart of the story was not bad, but parts of the story were so bad that they were able to actually detract from the movie and scream “SCRIPTED”. For example, why did the cameraman follow the priest to a baptism which had NOTHING to do with the plot of the movie? Ah, that’s right, otherwise we would have missed an [IMPORTANT PLOT POINT]. Wow. Good thing the cameraman was there, or the screenplay writer(s) would have had to write that plot info into the script some other way. Who has time for that?

Why did a mom have to move her daughter to the basement of the house before calling the exorcists? Guess her daughter’s bedroom had too much lighting and not enough grungy textures and peeling paint in it for an exorcism. No, I’m not kidding. Moved her demonically-possessed daughter to a bed in middle of the fucking basement. Wow, good thing, because that dingy, poorly-lit basement was much creepier than any kid’s bedroom.

And the ending? The audience laughed out loud. And I heard several people actually say out loud: “Oh no they did-int!” and “Aw, hell no!” and there was even one “That’s it? Really? You gotta be shittin’ me!”  Wish I were kidding. It was the cheapest, “We’re out of time, so let’s wrap this up! Cut! Print! Where’s the Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey?” that I’ve ever seen. And the end credits were an exercise (pun intended) in patience, crawling across the screen slower than the credits in Pray For Daylight, and that had to be a challenge.

This Review of The Devil Inside Is Not, I Repeat, NOT Sanctioned By The Catholic Church

So much for the review. The movie sucked. But what I really want to talk about is the marketing genius of the promotional/street team who were on hand to introduce the movie The Devil Inside, because they were far, far more intelligent than the screenplay writers.

Just before the film started, three prim, young people stood up in front of the audience and made an announcement. A clean-cut kid dressed as a priest, wearing a banded collar and flanked by two Polly-pureheart-puritan girls. He produced a notecard, and in a head-down, self-conscious monotone, (soliciting some “louder” and “we can’t hear you” responses from the audience) he read off some gibberish about how he did not condone the film, and he would be available for discussion after the film.

Now these three were even more fake than film itself, if that were possible. He never said he was a priest, but that was obvious. No priests are that young, and they aren’t shy in front of crowds. They introduce themselves by name, and by religious branch, including the location of their place of worship. They know to project their voice. And they don’t read off notecards.

And the Polly Purehearts? They ain’t that pure. I checked.

But, the very idea of having people dressed as religious authority stand up in front of the entire theater audience and tell them that they DID NOT CONDONE your decision to watch the movie? That they did not endorse the movie content?

Sheer marketing genius? Definitely. But I can do better.

Here’s a Million Dollar Idea:

If you want people to remember your movie, you should have “plants” in the audience – members of the street team disguised as regular theater patrons, who scream, puke, and/or pass out at strategic moments during the film. I could have slept through The Devil Inside, but if someone near me barfed or passed out? Now there’s something to blog about!

Remember, you heard it here first. Drop me a thank-you if this idea works out for you.

And don’t waste your time with The Devil Inside. If you want to see a real horror movie, check out The Thing remake instead.

A Christmas gift straight off my Amazon Wish List, Leather Denim and Silver: Legends of the Monster Hunter is a compilation of modern writers tackling the subject of those who fight back against the darkness. The Van Helsings of the world who stand up against creatures that we hope do not exist.

The  compilation is divided by the type of monster being hunted:  Werewolves, Vampires,  Spirits, and Monsters. The book is a monster in itself by today’s standards. At 9.7 x 7.4 inches, the 271-page book packs 29 stories.

Overall, the compilation was well-written and bloody fun. The first story, Reasons to Kill by Shelley Ontis, sets the tone for the book nicely by presenting a werewolf hunter from the American Old West. Whiskey and whores! Revolvers and revenge! Gritty, dark and dirty! And that’s just the hero…

Alderwood and Old Lace by Jaleta Clegg is a great story about an old widow named Rose wearing fuzzy, pink slippers and wielding a feather-duster. But don’t be fooled. When a powerful vampire and his followers come to finish business started years ago, they discover that this retired vampire hunter still has some fight left in her.

Other favorites include Capitol Vices by Lina Branter, Tentacles and Petticoats by T.W. Garland, and the impossibly-epic story Finally, the Source by Christopher Nadeau, (H.P. Lovecraft would be proud) but this compilation contained many other great stories and interesting heroes.

Unfortunately, there was one poorly-written story, and the editing was dodgy throughout. I’m not an editor by any stretch of the style manual, but all the proof you need that editors cannot be replaced by a computer are here. Actual editors reading this book might burst into flames, but none of the issues kept me from enjoying  fighters, slayers, and hunters squaring off against real monsters.

Issues aside, Leather, Denim and Silver: Legends of the Monster Hunter delivers on its promise, with stories of heroes who load up and head out into the night to look evil in the eye and fight it to the death. If you’re tired of Monster-Soap-Operas, then you need this book.

Like the film Snakes On A Plane, you should know what you’re getting into when you buy a ticket for a movie with a title like Hobo With A Shotgun. Unfortunately, that isn’t quite the case.

As someone who fondly remembers Rutger Hauer from his action-film heyday in the 80′s between Blade Runner and Blind Fury, I was saddened to see him reduced to a homeless old man. Furthermore I was warned that the movie was both loaded with preposterously violent content and bad writing, so I thought I was well prepared. I went in expecting to write this film off as one that you could guess your own review before you even saw it, then turn off your mind and go along for the ride.

I was wrong.

About halfway through the film, I realized that it wasn’t just the campy, schlock-horror gorefest I’d expected. The makers of Hobo With A Shotgun seem to be trying for some kind of retro, “bad” cult-movie status, like Chopping Mall or Jack Frost. Or taken to extremes in Asian films like Tokyo Gore Police or Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl. This is a different formula than Snakes on a Plane. These movies have more than just a zany concept, they embrace their own bad scripts, overacting and overuse of low-quality FX, while still managing to entertain. They transcend the standards of normal movies and somehow become “good”.

Like I said, it took me half the movie just to recalibrate my expectations. Once I understood the formula, I tried to tune out the bad parts and enjoy the movie for what it was.

It didn’t work.

Just because I understand what recipe the chef was “aiming for” doesn’t mean I like the way it tastes. There’s just too much unnecessary depravity in Hobo With A Shotgun; the kind of 13-year-old writing I’d expect to see in a Quentin Tarantino film:

• A man dressed as Santa Claus jacking off in his car while watching little kids in a playground.
• A guy who gives homeless people money if he can videotape them getting beat up and chewing glass.
• Topless girls laughing as they beat a man hung upside down like a pinata.
• Feeding a girl’s hand into a lawnmower. Slowly.
• Pimps playing poker for crying girls strung up from the ceiling like bloody cattle.
• A stripper dancing in a shower of blood that spews from the neck of a recently decapitated man.
• A school bus full of kids torched with a flamethrower.

Seriously, if any town was this bad, you’d just leave. And this list just scratches the surface of sick, depraved crimes committed in the sick, depraved town. But fear not! All of this evil is about to be avenged by…?

You guessed it. A Hobo With A Shotgun.

I can tell you that Rutger Hauer is the only believable character in this film, and his acting is very good, even when straddled with cheesy lines like this:

Hooker with a heart of gold: “You can’t solve every problem with a shotgun.”

Hobo with a shotgun: “It’s all I know.”

The rest of the characters are  stereotypes: the corrupt cop, the sociopathic bad guy, the hooker with a heart of gold. The  low-budget, real-world FX were a refreshing break from years of watching CG FX.

The target market for Hobo With A Shotgun is clearly 13-year old boys with anger management issues. They would LOVE this film. But they can’t (and shouldn’t) be allowed to watch it. If you are over 18 and you enjoy Rob Zombie movies and you are willing to explore the depths of human depravity, then you can probably enjoy Hobo With A Shotgun.

If there was an editor on hand to cut the bad ideas and bad dialog (easily half the movie) Hobo With A Shotgun could have been an enjoyable “Death Wish” derivative. But it seems the writers/producers were intent on trading fame for infamy.

Most authors have blogs, and most bloggers know about problogger.net. It’s a great resource to help you build a better blog.

I’ve been following Darren Rowse over at ProBlogger.com for years now, and I have to admit that his 31 Days To Build A Better Blog e-book / workbook is well worth buying. This handy, concentrated source of blog-tastic info should be the first stop for authors looking to increase their traffic, networking and conversion rates on their blog.

I purchased last year’s edition of 31 Days to Build A Better Blog, and just the few changes I implemented from that book throughout 2011 have helped my blog traffic and subscriber count grow significantly. I can’t contribute all the traffic growth to Darren Rowse, but I know that 31DBBB helped. I didn’t think twice about buying the 2012 edition, which was just released.

Over the next several weeks I’ll work with the updated version of 31DBBB and work a little harder to implement the tips there. My goal is to double my existing traffic and subscription rates, just in time for the end of the world on 21 Dec 2012.

Of all the re-imaginings of Lewis Carrol’s classic, Alice In Wonderland, my favorite is a video game released in 2000 called American McGee’s Alice. The game took the Alice mythos and gave it a dark and disturbing twist.

In 2011, American McGee released a followup game: Alice – Madness Returns. Either Mr. McGee has grown less conceited or more tasteful, because he left his own name out of the game title this time.

Wonderland Revisited

Without a doubt, Wonderland is the star of the show.  The game designers definitely milked every last pixel out of the Unreal engine. The characters of the Real World are exaggerated caricatures, that made Wonderland seem more real in comparison.

Visually, the level design is beautiful, and disturbing in a good way. Highlights are the Mad Hatter’s domain, where Dormouse and March Hare have taken over and turned everything into a steampunk nightmare.

Chapter 4 has you running around a bizzare realm made of body parts. You slide down giant tongues, doorways are mouths, and hallways look like the inside of intestines, the whole level feels like playing through something from the medical channel.

Another interesting section has you entering a Japanese painting and playing a suddenly two-dimensional Alice side-scroller. There are even a couple disturbing levels where you play as (I’m not kidding) a detached doll’s head, rolling around an obstacle course.

The occasional puzzles and riddles are a fun break from exploration and fighting, but you will get bored of invisible, moving platforms and timed race games.

Characters

The characters you expect to find are there, but not in the quantity/quality you would expect. The Cheshire Cat is a mood accent, showing up to make cryptic and unhelpful remarks (in an awesome deep voice.) At one point, he actually shows up and says “Be careful, Alice.” Really? No shit. The Mad Hatter seems to waffle between friend and enemy, but the truth is, he’s just mad.

The classic characters of Wonderland get watered down with new oddities: Shambling blobs of oil wearing doll masks, Samauri Wasps, “Bitch Babys” made of doll parts, and more weirdness abound, while characters that were main staples of the Alice in Wonderland mythos hardly show up at all. The White Knight makes an appearance (as a door) long enough for you to shatter him to gain entrance to the next section. Caterpillar, Mock Turtle, Carpenter, Walrus and the Red Queen all have little more than cameos in cutscenes.

The Jabberwock doesn’t show up at all.

Not entirely sure how we missed out on Alice’s older sister, Lizzie. from the first episode… oh wait. That’s right, she didn’t have one. Oops. Not sure why Lizzy was added, because the plot didn’t require her either. Double Oops.

Gameplay

Gameplay is more or less reminiscent of Tomb Raider in terms of exploration, puzzle-solving and fighting. You jump, you shrink, you explore, you fight. Collect teeth (yes, teeth) to upgrade your weapons. Finish special side-quests to receive increased health. There are plenty of variations in gameplay, but you may still get bored of some puzzle repetitions.

The Unreal engine looks good, but glitches galore. There are plenty of places that look like you can jump to them… but you can’t. Die and retry. Other places look like you can walk to them… but you can’t. Jump over those cracks in the ground, and continue on your way. These glitches are exponentially more frustrating if you’re in a hurry, which you often are.

The controls make this game feel like it was created for a button-mashing console and converted to PC as an afterthought. Button presses will occasionally fail to register (no matter how hard you mash the button, believe me) and this will kill your timing, requiring you to experiment until you find the button timing the game engine requires. This alone will ruin the game for some, when you can’t even make a simple double-jump because the second button-press does not register… die and retry. Thankfully, “deaths” are little more than colorful setbacks as Alice explodes into a burst of butterflies, and is instantly reborn on the previous ledge. The game is autosaved at checkpoints. There is no manual game save.

When the game shifts between the real world and Wonderland, the controls change. This is an absolute Forbidden, Please God, Do Not Ever Ever Ever Do This, but they did. Why can you switch to first-person view in the real world, but not in Wonderland? Worse yet, directional controls and camera angles will change instantly in-game after certain events, even during timing tests that require the reflexes of a hummingbird on crack. At times I felt I was actually playing against the game engine instead of the game.

But the biggest buzzkill in Alice was the combat. All the fun ran out once the monsters became impossible to kill. I switched the game difficulty to Easy, and still couldn’t make it past a boss fight in chapter 2. I went online and looked up enemy weaknesses. Turns out some enemies are puzzles in themselves – some can only be attacked at a certain time during their attack sequence.  For others, you have to deflect their own attacks back at them to break their defenses before your attacks have any effect. Some enemies are immune to certain weapons unless they are a high enough level. This means that if you spend your weapon upgrade points incorrectly, you’re screwed.  (But see my game-hack solution below.)

Even with knowledge of enemy weaknesses, my fun meter with Alice still dropped to zero. I considered calling the game a loss, filing it under “Meh” and waiting for Skyrim to be released. After a few weeks on the shelf, I was torn enough that I looked for a hack or cheat code that would allow me to get past the area where I was stuck. I couldn’t find one, so I hacked the game myself.

Alice – Madness Returns Game Hacks

These hacks allowed me to have fun finishing the game, and they also helped justify my Computer Science student loans:

1 – How to Increase Weapon Damage

Open the DefaultGame.ini file at …InstallFolder\Game\Alice2\AliceGame\Config\DefaultGame.ini

Find these lines and change the end number to 100. This makes all your weapons really powerful.

• AliceWeaponDamageMultiplier[0] = 100
• AliceWeaponDamageMultiplier[1] = 100
• AliceWeaponDamageMultiplier[2] = 100
• AliceWeaponDamageMultiplier[3] = 100

2 – How to Upgrade Your Weapons For Cheap

In the same DefaultGame.ini file, find these lines and change all the end numbers to 1 as shown. This makes all your weapon upgrades really cheap, you’ll be able to instantly upgrade your weapons to the maximum level 4:

• WeaponUpgradeToLevel2XPCost[0]=1
• WeaponUpgradeToLevel2XPCost[1]=1
• WeaponUpgradeToLevel2XPCost[2]=1
• WeaponUpgradeToLevel2XPCost[3]=1
• WeaponUpgradeToLevel3XPCost[0]=1
• WeaponUpgradeToLevel3XPCost[1]=1
• WeaponUpgradeToLevel3XPCost[2]=1
• WeaponUpgradeToLevel3XPCost[3]=1
• WeaponUpgradeToLevel4XPCost[0]=1
• WeaponUpgradeToLevel4XPCost[1]=1
• WeaponUpgradeToLevel4XPCost[2]=1
• WeaponUpgradeToLevel4XPCost[3]=1

With these cheats in place, combat wasn’t a problem anymore, and I considered this upgrade an even trade for putting up with the game glitches.

The Story

The story starts in the real world, ignoring the happy ending of the first game. Alice’s family (including bonus older sister) died in a mysterious fire, and poor Alice has been in a mental institution, slowly becoming stable enough to venture outside. Disturbing hallucinations begin to crop up, as well as a cat, who leads Alice to Wonderland, where a gigantic train is heading toward the heart of Wonderland to destroy everything.

The story shifts back and forth between Wonderland and the Real world, but spends most of the time (I’d say 90% of the time) in Wonderland. Throughout Alice’s adventures, she picks up clues and cutscenes that reveal the backstory of what happened to cause Alice’s madness.

The overarching story is really a who-done-it, but don’t bother trying to solve the mystery from the clues. The story will be revealed to you through the major cutscenes of each of the five chapters of the story.

While the ending works in a technical way, it’s fairly tasteless and reminded me (in a bad way) of the movie Sucker Punch. It’s like eating an entire box of Pop Tarts for lunch – satisfying in a way, but not really.

The Short Version

In the end, Alice – Madness Returns is a flawed gem. The levels are beautiful and Wonderland is a joy to explore.  But it will take a strong love for the mythos to tolerate a weak game engine, weak game design, weak weapons, repetitive gameplay, the minimal face time / absence of staple characters, and an overarching story that involves pedophilia.

In other words, unless you’re really sold on experiencing a dark and twisted fantasy Wonderland.. you can do better. In fact, you might be better off tracking down a copy of the first American McGee’s Alice.

 Dark Fiction Author Carole Lanham allowed me the opportunity to preview her upcoming collection of dark fiction short stories titled The Whisper Jar.

From the Publisher

“I do not know what you have done, but put your mouth right here. Confess your crime to this fruit jar as though it were God’s ear.” ~ from The Whisper Jar

Some secrets are kept in jars — others, in books.

Some are left forgotten in musty rooms — others, created in old barns.

Some are brought about by destiny — others, born in blood.

Secrets — they are the hidden heart of this collection. In these pages, you will encounter a Blood Digger who bonds two children irrevocably together; a young woman who learns of her destiny through the random selection of a Bible verse; and a boy whose life begins to reflect the stories he reads…

Most importantly, though, if someone should ever happen to offer you a Jilly Jally Butter Mint, just say “No!”

Review of The Whisper Jar

The Cover

The cover shows a red eye peering through an ornate door/windowframe. This looks great, and a touch unnerving. Definitely fitting for a work of dark fiction, but I was disappointed that it wasn’t more directly related to the title itself.  I would rather have seen a visual of an actual Whisper Jar.

The Content

Overall, there were nine stories

• The Whisper Jar
• The Good Part
• Keepity Keep
• The Blue Word
• Maxwell Treat’s Museum of Torture for Young Girls and Boys
• Friar Garden, Mister Samuel, and the Jilly Jally Butter Mints
• The Reading Lessons
• The Adventures of Velvet Honeybone, Girl Werewuff
• The Forgotten Orphan

The running theme of this collection is secrets, and none of the stories capture this theme more succinctly than the first story/poem, also named The Whisper Jar. This is a riveting story-poem written (in rhyming couplets) about people capturing their secrets in glass jars, and the troubles that follow…   A quick and fun read, this first story definitely piqued my interest in reading the rest of the book.

Another delightful poem/story is The Adventures of Velvet Honeybone, Girl Werewuff  - a short, rhymed couplet that gives a new twist to the classic Red Riding Hood mythos.

The stories Keepity Keep and Friar Garden, Mister Samuel, and the Jilly Jally Butter Mints both have a Brothers Grimm feel to them. Keepity Keep is about a fairy discovered by two brothers.  (Or two brothers discovered by a fairy, if you like.) The contrast of this innocent fairy and these two nearly-innocent brothers is fun to explore. I enjoyed Friar Garden… but it was tough for me to put my finger on exactly what was real in the story and what was imaginary. Actually, I think I enjoyed Friar Garden… because it was tough for me to put my finger on exactly what was real in the story and what was imaginary.

The Good Part is the highlight of the collection for me. A wicked, incestuous story reminiscent of Let Me In but set in the deep South. The story highlights the relationship between coming-of-age teens and coming-of-age vampires.  The Reading Lessons is another awesome addition of teenage angst, lust, and doubt about who-is-really-in-control.  These two stories work so well because Carole’s writing really sells the characters. They are disturbingly real, and so are their actions.

The Blue Word is a post-apocalyptic genre tale with a clever twist. But I don’t want to tell too much here, lest I spoil the surprise. Suffice to say, the story twist in The Blue Word would make this story a  great Twilight Zone episode.

Overall

Carol Lanham’s stories flirt with relationships, sexuality, paranormality, brutality and even reality.  The stories are glimpses into dark places and alternative realities which never go to full-on Horror, but there is at least one implied death.  Plenty of sexuality, but very little actual sex.

The Short Story

The Whisper Jar blends dark and sometimes paranormal situations into the really-real everyday world with clever writing, an Edgar Allen Poe sensibility, and a splash of Neil Gaiman’s Fragile Things. Carole Lanham writes in her own carefree but intuitive voice. Audiences will slip into these short stories as easily as they would a warm bath, only to be surprised at how quickly the waters deepen.  Those looking for a variety of dark character studies, whimsical situations and disturbing relationship dynamics will enjoy The Whisper Jar.

The Whisper Jar will be available from Morrigan Books on 31 October 2011.

Urban Paranormal Lesbian Fae Adventures in Minneapolis

First, a full disclosure – I know Michael Merriam personally. He’s a fellow member of The Minnesota Speculative Fiction Writers Group. Michael and I also share the same psychotherapist.

Second, a disclaimer – I’m all about the paranormal, but romance stories aren’t really my thing. I’m also not the target market for this genre. So when I tell you that I enjoyed it, that’s saying a lot, although I may have to keep my y-chromosome in check as I give this review.

Third, a quandary – Michael Merriam’s paranormal romance novel, Last Car To Annwn Station was released in e-book format only, and I didn’t have an e-book reader. So I waffled over the different options available – namely the Nook, the Kindle, and the Sony e-book reader. I finally decided to give Google Books a try.  I read Last Car on my Samsung Droid Charge phone, and while that was an awesome experience in itself, I’ll stick to the book review in this post and report on smartphone-e-book-happiness another day.

From the Publisher

“The fare is ten cents, miss.”

Mae Malveaux, an attorney with Minneapolis Child Protective Services, is burnt-out, tired and frustrated. Passing on an invite from Jill, her flirtatious coworker, Mae just wants a quiet night in. Leaving the office late, she’s surprised to find the Heritage Line streetcars up and running and hops aboard, eager for a quick trip home.

But this is no ordinary streetcar. Death is one of its riders, and Mae is thrust into Annwn, a realm of magic and danger.

“Your transfer, miss. You’ll need that.”

Mae’s life is turned upside down as human and fae worlds collide. Her budding relationship with Jill takes a perilous turn when they are hunted by mythical beasts, and Mae is drawn into a deadly power struggle. With Jill at her side, Mae must straddle both worlds and fight a war she barely comprehends, for not only does the fate of Annwn rest in her hands, but the lives of both a human and fae child…

My Review of Last Car to Annwn Station

The Cover

I won’t lie. I do judge books by their cover, and I’ve even created a system for doing so. And the cover graphics for Last Car to Annwn Station are minty-golden. I mean ice-cold-hotness. But as I mention in my system of how to judge a book by its cover, this doesn’t mean the story is necessarily good, just less likely to suck. However it would look quite good on a bookshelf or coffee table… if there were a physical version available. Just sayin.

The Heroine

The protagonist in Last Car is Mae Malveaux, an attorney living and working in Minneapolis, MN. She seems a bit prim at first, and her character arc sees her growing in many different ways. Mae has at least three major ‘coming out’ arcs.

The most obvious arc is in her sexuality. This is a lesbian-coming-out story, and if you aren’t secure enough in your own sexuality to handle reading something like this… then maybe you shouldn’t. I thought the romance between Mae and her coworker, Jill, was well done. In some ways the relationship seemed to move too slowly, almost teasing the reader. But the sexual tension added to the overall tension of the story, reminding me of the very best parts of agents Mulder and Skully’s interactions in The X-Files.

Mae also develops a bit of backbone and pluck throughout the story, growing into the kick-ass heroine role. She probably wouldn’t stand against Sookie Stackhouse, well… maybe at the end of the story she would.

The third way in which Mae develops is… a surprise. You’ll have to read to find out.

The Downtime

Now remember, I’m trying to keep my y-chromosome out of this, but I couldn’t help but notice that there was a lot of ‘domestic upkeep’ in this story. Lots of cooking, cleaning, packing, unpacking, etc. Lots of coffee and tea-making. Lots of snuggling and lounging while wearing fleecy pajamas. There were plenty of great action and chase scenes, and I won’t argue that there needs to be something to buffer the action scenes, and I don’t expect them to sit around drinking Knob Creek Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey while cleaning their H&K MP5…

…OK, that’s a lie. I actually was hoping for that. Sorry, Michael.

Suffice to say, I’d have enjoyed the book more if there was less lounging, noshing and kibitzing. But I’m a guy. Your chromosomes may vary.

The Plot

The story starts in modern-day Minneapolis, but Mae unknowingly boards a streetcar that takes her into the land of Annwn, home of the fae. . Soon she’s chatting with Death and being chased by the Cwn Annwn. (Actually the hounds of Annwn, not to be confused with Cwn Annwn, the Minneapolis Prog-Metal Band.)

It didn’t take much digging to come up with the history of the Heritage Streetcar line in Minneapolis, the ghost of which plays an important role in the story.  This also shows Michael did a bit of hometown homework. He also makes the city very apparent in the story. Anyone from Minneapolis will feel quite at home as they follow Mae on her adventures. That is, until she crosses over to the realm of Annwn. Those who are up on their Welsh mythology will appreciate the appearance of King of the Fair Folk, Gwynn ap Nudd in the story.

The story sticks to the core conflict and steers clear of High Fantasy Politics. While the influences of the leaders of the paranormal races are made real through the plot and character actions, we are thankfully kept out of the High Council Chambers except for a few combat-laden moments which don’t count.  I guess if faerie-political-intrigue was the option, I’d choose fleecy-pajama-lounging myself.

Michael’s dry and wry sense of humor shines in the writing in Last Car. His timing is spot-on, breaking the tension in just the right places with plenty of laugh-0ut-loud moments. The line “I’m about as magical as a dead gopher” made me laugh so hard I nearly drove  right into the ditch. Hey, it’s hard to drive while reading e-books on your smartphone!

The Short Story

Michael Merriam’s Last Car to Annwn Station is an exciting paranormal fae lesbian romance coming 0f age story in Minneapolis. Plenty of modern-day action crossed with paranormal adventures, interesting characters, and some pleasant breaks for tea and croissants.

If I’ve mastered anything about writing, it’s How To Put Off Writing By Reading More Books About Writing. And Larry Brooks latest work Story Engineering: Mastering the 6 Core Competencies of Successful Writing made me put all my writing on hold until I finished reading it.

Lots of writing books focus on a single aspect of the writing craft. Books on Character, Plot, and such abound. It’s rare books like Stein On Writing by Sol Stein, Story by Robert Mckee and Story Engineering by Larry Brooks that present a top-level perspective of many essential writing aspects at once and shows how they interrelate.

For those dying to know what the six core competencies are:

• Concept
• Character
• Theme
• Story Structure
• Scene Execution
• Writing Voice

There may be other elements of writing, but I doubt anyone will argue that these six are essential. Story Engineering not only explains each element in detail, but also takes examples from popular bestsellers, and shows you exactly how it’s done.

Tools, Not Rules

My only criticism of Story Engineering is that the useful information is slathered in a thick coating of the author’s opinion on how you should use these tools. He rails against the practice of organic writing (also known as ‘pantsing’) suggesting you must have your story structure in place before writing a word, or you’re signing your own rejection letter.

I’ve already thoroughly examined this topic in a previous blog post, Let the Muse Run Free or Tie Her Down? Organic Writing vs Outlining. The short version is that no one can or should tell you how to write. The six core competencies in Story Engineering are tools, not rules. They are descriptions of good writing, not prescriptions of ‘the way thou shalt write it.’  There is no question that an awareness of these core competencies will make you a better writer. But how you implement them (or knowingly break them) is up to you.

Despite the strong personal opinions, Story Engineering has plenty of excellent core content. Here’s how I recommend approaching the book to get the most out of it:

1. Start by previewing Chapter 8 – The Development Process, which presents the top-level concept of a “Beat Sheet” and gives a method for organic writers to implement the six core competencies. Starting with this information will give you a context for the rest of the book. Reading chapter eight again when you get to the end of the book will really gel all the pieces together.
2. Skip the first 18 pages. Or read them for what they are, an opinion. In fact, you can safely start at chapter five.
3. If you’re the kind of writer who doesn’t outline, bring a lot of salt.

合計 (In Summation)

For those getting their Fringe on this week, I recommend Michael Merriam’s Darkly Through the Light Waters, Twin Cities Tales.

Michael is a great writer and reader. His performance is a hybrid of an author reading and a minimalist, one-man show where the one man happens to have the script with him on stage.

The three stories Michael presents are short, entertaining and chock-full of magical beings, action and romance. Think True Blood without the vampires.

Here’s a copy of the flier which gives you pricing, schedule and more description:

Dreams With Sharp Teeth

At the MNSpec writer’s group, there are three names that keep coming up. These three would be the Prince, Michael Jackson and Madonna of writers for our group. They are writers who not only pushed the boundaries of commercial speculative fiction, but have also stood the test of time. They are Stephen King, Anne Rice and Harlan Ellison.

So who the hell is Harlan Ellison?

I was asking myself that very same question. Despite knowing a bit about his antics (See this fantastic rant from Harlan.) I’d heard more about Harlan’s personality than I ever did about his writing.  So when I tripped over a documentary called Dreams With Sharp Teeth I had to check it out.

Harlan is such an interesting and quirky person that even if you aren’t an author or an avid reader, you still might want to watch this well constructed and highly entertaining documentary, directed by Erik Nelson. Guests include Robin Williams and Neil Gaiman.

Scattered throughout the documentary are clips of Harlan reading from his work. The man definitely has a way with words. I’ve never read anything by Harlan Ellison, but with titles  like “Repent, Harlequin!” Said the Ticktockman and I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream, I’ll be checking these out soon. My favorite parts of the film are clips of him being interviewed back in the 70′s. Harlan is one cool cat, no question. And his biting cynicism, worldviews, chaotic behavior and intolerance for stupidity made me feel like I just discovered my real father. (Harlan might actually be my real father for all I know. My mom told me I was dropped off by the gypsies… long story.)

Dreams With Sharp Teeth is an excellent documentary about a fascinating human being. If you were thinking it would be  cool to sit down and have dinner with Harlan, make sure to check out the bonus feature where Harlan Ellison, Neil Gaiman and the director sit around a table eating pizza and telling stories until Harlan looks at them and says, “When are you guys going to leave?” Fabulous.