It was around the middle of April when I turned “Pinky, The Invisible Flying Pony Who Saves The World” over to editing, and it was only last Valentine’s Day that the name “Pinky” was even decided. The first story just came back from the editor yesterday, and now here I am, kicking out a rough draft of the second story in what seems to be a (gasp!) SERIES. This installment is titled, “Pinky the Invisible Flying Pony Vs. The Giant, Carnivorous, Poisonous, Exploding, Spider-Leeches.”

Wow. Try fitting THAT on the spine of a book.

Anyway, the story is quite exciting, it has all the things you’d expect, like an Invisible Flying Pony, and Carnivorous, Exploding Spider-Leeches, and some things you would never expect, like  a High School Musical 2 Lunchbox and a Zamboni. I’ve uploaded the story for review at MN Spec, and I’ll send it out to my pre-reader fan club list. I suspect in a couple weeks, I’ll have incorporated their feedback, and Pinky2 will be ready for the editor.

I’ve given quite a bit of thought to the big picture for the series of Pinky stories. How many should I write? How long should they be? Should I release them all as free e-books? Should I compile them into a full-on hardcopy?

The answers might surprise you. All I can tell you for now is to stay tuned and spread the word, because fans will get more free stuff than you can shake a spider-leech at.

Which are more important to you, songs or stories? Which would you rather have, a world without books, or a world without music? A recent Wired article about the Google books legal fiasco made me realize that society has already answered this question.

In a previous blog post I compared the current complaints of the publishing industry to the music industry’s cries from ten years earlier. In a nutshell, the publishing industry is experiencing the pains of virtualizing their product and coming up with a business model that integrates with internet technology. Lawyers, lawsuits, pirates, copyright, DRM… it’s the exact same paradigm shift the music industry had to make ten years ago. But the publishing industry is determined to retrace the steps of the music industry instead of learning from their mistakes.

I guess Sting said it best, “History will teach us nothing.”

Text vs Tunes

Consider this – computers and the internet have excelled at working with text right out of the box for almost 50 years. The ASCII format for text storage and transmission was created in 1963. E-mails were being sent in the early 70′s.

But music had to twist itself in a knot to adapt to computers and the internet. It had to struggle with the insane conversion from an analog to a digital format. Then add in compression and compatibility issues. The MP3 Format was created in 1991, and didn’t really catch on until internet speeds rose in the late 90′s and early 00′s.

So don’t you think it’s odd that Music ran into the problems involved with product virtualization and online business models ten years ago, but the publishing industry is having these problems now? Why didn’t the publishing industry hit this crossroads first?

The publishing industry should have been dealing with piracy, copyright and DRM issues WAY before the music industry, but it took text thirty years to make the jump from the physical page to the virtual mainstream, yet music took only ten.

Looks like the choice was made. Music is a hotter commodity than books.

Sorry books, but music wins.

There’s several reasons why I think tunes trumped tales on the internet.

E-book readers – The I-pod evolved naturally from the portable cassette and CD players, and clearly the I-pod is an improvement in music portabilty. There’s no similar device to serve as a precedent for books, which are already portable and wireless.

You could argue that every computer with a display  is an “e-book reader.” But I can’t think of anyone who really wants to read Moby Dick on their computer monitor. Even the best e-book readers on the market today can’t hold a candle to a real book made of paper. So it’s no surprise that music made the digital jump before books.

Short No attention span – We can listen to music while doing other things, and more importantly, music can make those other things more pleasurable. Think of all the people who are driving, snowboarding, or even working while music is playing. Life is better with a soundtrack.

Meanwhile, books take more of our attention away from the world. We need to turn pages, and keep our eyes locked on the page. You can’t drive, snowboard or work while reading. (or shouldn’t, anyway.)

Gen X/Y vs the Baby Boomers – Lets not overlook the core group of people whose lives are caught in the ‘net. It probably goes without saying that Gen X’ers who latched onto the internet quickly and Gen Y’ers who probably can’t imagine the world without it, spend more time on the internet than their parents. It’s also not hard to believe that this large subsection of the population using the internet listens to music more often than they read.

This would be a case of the industry following the market (albeit kicking and screaming, but eventually following.)

Drag race on the Information SuperHighway

Does this mean that music is more important to us than books? Or that the publishing industry has more resistance to change than the music industry? Regardless, neither industry was in a hurry to embrace the new tech. On the internet superhighway if the music industry drives a 1986 Ford Fiesta, then the publishing industry must be walking. And I haven’t even touched on the software or video industries. I leave that to you as a homework exercise.

As both a writer and a musician, it pains me to even think about picking one over the other. But if I had to pick between .mp3 files and .docs I’d choose music. If nothing else, we could convert all the books in the world to audio format, but there really isn’t a way to translate music into text.

What do you think? Drop your thoughts/comments below.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one…

There’s been a lot of buzz on the web about piracy, this time not affiliated with the Flying Spaghetti Monster or Johnny Depp, but… e-books.

Every news article about the potential e-book market is another can of gas on the fire:

• The petition against Google’s e-book scanning
• Apple’s impending i-book store
• The Kindle-killing (and horrifically named) i-Pad

Seems that e-books are the talk of internetville. But doesn’t all this talk sound familiar? Stop me if you’ve heard this one:

Sales are down! Piracy is destroying the industry! Lawsuits! Copyright!! DRM!!!

Oh yes, that’s right. We DID hear all this before. From the music industry. We heard it when the cassette tape format was invented. We heard it again when CD burners became a household item. And we got to hear it again when Napster + broadband internet connections made it possible to download an entire library of audio in minutes. And now that books are on the block, we get to hear it again from the publishing industry.

Yawn.

I’ll direct the publishing industry to read my Open Letter to Gene Simmons (of the band KISS) and the RIAA. Simply replace the word “music” with “e-book” and replace “Recording Industry” with “Publishing Industry”.

Oh, and replace “Pirates” with “Pirates”.

The Problem is Virtual

Until recently, artistic works such as music, video, pictures and stories required a medium to contain the art and transfer it from one person to another. That medium (Tape, DVD, CD, Book, etc…) had a production cost, a fixed physical expense that someone had to pay because that THING had to be manufactured, packaged, shipped, received, warehoused, and stocked.

For decades, we’ve been told how much it costs to make THINGS and to ship THINGS and to stock THINGS. And the cost of the THINGS keeps going up because of [fill in the blank].

But consumers were never buying the THING. People don’t really want a cassette tape. Or a book. Or a computer file for that matter. Consumers want the art that the medium carries. They want the story about Frodo and Sam. They want the song by Jagged Spiral. They want the picture of the pirate flag.

With the internet, the medium is all but removed from the product, leaving an intangible stream of ones and zeros. At long last, the products of art have been un-THING-ified. Virtualized.

One of the reasons consumers never wanted the medium in the first place was that it adds unnecessary cost to the art. Well, now the medium is almost completely gone, but where are the savings? We should be seeing prices dive for the virtual products, but the industries still try to justify the old prices.

This is a problem.

Price Check

Why is an e-book selling for $9 when the hardcover book is $13? Why in the Hells do they both list at $29?

Seriously. Twenty Nine American Dollars is the Publisher’s Suggested Retail Price for an E-Book? Is that supposed to make you think that $9 is a good deal?

I’m not the only one calling the publishing industry out on it’s bullshit. New York Times Bestselling Author Michael Stackpole lists plenty of other reasons publishers can’t justify their e-book pricing.

The industry holds the price up, because they won’t let go of the THING-ness of their product. They see every sale of a virtual product as a direct equivalent of the sale of a physical product. They think that every e-book sold is a physical book not sold.

Reality Check: Virtual products are not Physical products.

Truth is, the publishing industry should be thrilled to death about internet distribution. E-books may have a lower cost, but they have a far higher margin than their physical counterparts. If you don’t know what that means, ask an accountant. If you can’t make your business work with this new math, then hire a fucking accountant, and change your business to become profitable. The last thing you’d want to do is waste money on lawyers to fight the system. Ask the recording industry.

Why is the industry is down? Why aren’t people buying? Its simple. The product is virtualized, but the price is not.

Hey, it’s a free market, and it’s not against the law for businesses or even the entire industry to use business practices leading to their own obsolescence. It also isn’t against the law for them to starve to death because they refuse to adapt to the new technology.

But it looks like instead of taking advantage of the new technology they have available, the publishing industry has decided to try to force a square peg into a round hole. When that doesn’t work, they sulk and stare at the dwindling sales and blame…

Pirates!

Before you break out the flamethrowers, understand that I’m not endorsing piracy.  Piracy is unlawful and unethical. Google is evil for doing it, and so is everyone else who does it.

But I am telling you that it is entirely true that (music/movie/ebook) piracy is NOT “killing” the (recording/motion-picture/publishing)  industry. It wasn’t back when cassette tapes came out. It wasn’t back when the VCR was released to consumers. Author’s careers are not being destroyed because their books are available for free at the library, or borrowed from friends, or sold in used bookstores. Musicians aren’t going broke because their songs are played on terrestrial radio, myspace, and pandora at no cost to consumers.

The publishing industry is down because of many factors, but piracy is the last one to worry about. Wasting time on it is like rearranging deck chairs on a sinking ship.  Keelhauling every pirate in the universe won’t fix what’s wrong with the publishing industry, the music industry, or any other industry, because Pirates are not a problem; they are a symptom.

Let’s look at the problem that causes piracy to become popular:

Free as in “E-Books”

Price a product high enough and two things will happen.

• Sales of that product will decrease.
• Customers will find other ways to get the product for less.

The music industry already learned this, but let’s look at how it pertains to the publishing industry, by examining these ‘other ways’ to get the product for less than the listed price:

• You can get every Dean Koontz book ever written for free… at the public library.
• You can get every Stephanie Meyer book for free… by borrowing them from your niece.
• You can buy the latest Stephen King novel for One Dollar…  on Craigslist. (In hardcover.)
• You can buy Scott Sigler’s latest for just a couple bucks… at the used bookstore.
• Ebay.com
• Swaptree.com
• Bookcrossing.com
• And you can get the latest of pretty much any e-book for free… by pirating it via bittorrent.

Care to wager that library usage is way up? Borrowing/lending? But you won’t hear about the publishing industry claiming that libraries are “Destroying the industry” or trying pass laws banning the sharing of books. That would be just as laughable as saying that pirates are destroying the industry.  It’s just one more way customers can get the product if they don’t think it’s worth the list price.

Am I suggesting that publishers are causing an increase in piracy by setting their prices too high? Yes. Just like they are “causing” people to check books out at the library, or borrowing them instead of purchasing them at the bookstore. Just like they are causing consumers to obtain the product through other methods, or pass on the product altogether.

Of course publishers have to fight piracy, or people will think they’re OK with it. But to declare that piracy is destroying the publishing industry is simply not true. Illegal? Yes. On the rise? No doubt. But look at the cause:

Your business plan sucks.

Here’s where you should be focusing. Not on pirates. Solve this problem, and piracy will diminish, along with borrowing/lending and library usage.

But, we doesn’t understand business or teh Interwebs!

I can already hear the publishing industry screaming at me that it can’t make a profit off what people are willing to pay for e-books. Sorry, but that argument does not fly.

You can price your product whereever you like, but products are never worth more than people are willing to pay for them. It doesn’t matter how much they cost to make.  Like I said, price it too high and people won’t buy it or they will find cheaper alternatives. Yes, including piracy.

This is the spot where I’d make a “buggy whip manufacturer” reference, but q.e.d. right?

The Solution

The solution starts by acknowledging the real problem.

The solution starts with letting go of the paradigm of treating ones and zeros on the web as a physical product. Virtual products are not Physical products.

The solution starts when people stop crying that change is bad, fighting against the new tech, and trying to cover up bad business models by blaming pirates.

I suspect the solution requires a generation of post-internet people growing up with virtualized products; people who weren’t born into a system of 100% THINGS and then had to suffer the paradigm shift to the virtual. These people will have a more intimate understanding of this “problem”, and perhaps when they grow up to take over for the current regime, they will arrive at a more elegant solution – one that works to Everyone’s advantage.

A look at “Midwest Self-Importance”

At the monthly MNSpec writer’s group meeting, I submitted several chapters of my Urban Fantasy manuscript “Evil Looks Good” for the group critique. The bulk of the story occurs in Minneapolis and the surrounding area. My choice of story location struck one critiquer as concerning. She said she didn’t have a problem with me writing a story based in Minneapolis. (“Write what you know,” she said.) But she made it clear that others would.

I quote the following directly from her written critique (All emphasis, caps and quotes are hers)

…be prepared for this to be a tougher sell to NY agents/publishers. Have a damn good reason why it HAS to be in Minneapolis, and can’t be in NY or LA or somewhere more “exotic”.

She also informed me that people from the East Coast and the West Coast believe people in the Midwest to be narcissistic about their homeland. I think she called it the trait of “Midwest Self-Importance”.

Pot. Kettle. Black. Anyway, to sum up her general points:

• People living in the Midwest think that the Midwest is important
• NY editors do not agree. To them, the Midwest is not important, interesting, or exotic, and stories need a reason to occur there.
• NY editors prefer stories set in NY/LA or other “exotic” locations, unless there is a real reason to have them happen elsewhere.

A Study In Narcissism

While driving back from the critique, I decided to give her advice a charitable interpretation.

“New York editors! What a bunch of narrow-minded fill-in-the-blanks!” (Yes, I actually said “fill-in-the-blanks”) “Who do they think they are, putting down the Midwest?  Flyover Land my ass. Who cares what a bunch of pretentious New Yorkers and Californians think…”

That’s about as far as my ‘charitable interpretation’ got when the world hit me with one of those grandly ironic and disconcerting moments that the Zen Buddhists try so hard to cultivate.  I was treating those editors EXACTLY the same way she told me they would treat me.

That, my friends, is the sound of one hand clapping.

So after that refreshing micro-enlightenment, I was able to a attempt an even more charitable interpretation.

Midwestern pride aside, few will disagree that New York and Los Angeles have a sense of local self-importance that pretty much trumps all others.  Write about yourself much? Make movies about yourself much? So perhaps we can chalk up all this talk of local pride to the more global reality that everyone thinks that where they choose to live is important.

But the existence of the term “Flyover Land” makes it clear the coastal cities look down on the In-Between as someplace you fly over to get somewhere important. In retaliation, the Midwest adopted the term “Third Coast” shows that Midwesterners think they are just as important as the bookends protecting them from the oceans.

On reflection, I’d say it isn’t so much that the Midwest has a case of Self-Importance. It’s more true to say that the Midwesterners don’t buy into NY and LA treating the Midwest as unimportant. It’s easy to see how this can be mis-perceived as arrogance.

Seriously. Why would you set your fiction story in Minneapolis?

I could have set my story anywhere. New York, Los Angeles, Pluto… location cost me nothing. So why Minneapolis?

Because NY and LA aren’t as exotic as you think

By definition, “exotic” is something we don’t see or hear much of. That pretty much un-exotics NY and LA. I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m tired of stories that happen in LA/NY.

San Francisco and Washington, DC too. Yawn.

Because diversity rules, Baby

It makes me sad that American media is dominated by so few cities. There’s more to France than just Paris. There’s more to Germany than just Berlin. And there’s more to the United States than just New York and Los Angeles. It’s like someone judging your entire high-school graduating class based on meeting the prom king and queen.

Ick. Embrace diversity.

Because Minneapolis isn’t as un-exotic as you think.

Think all the creatives live on the coast? Think again. In March 2008, Americans for the Arts compiled a “Creative Industries 2008″ report. From pages 10 and 11:

Arts Businesses per 1000 residents

Arts Employees per 1000 residents

For a city with more art per-capita than NY or LA, Minneapolis is severely under-represented in media, and I’m doing my part to help correct that.

I chose Minneapolis as the setting for my story because it’s the Cinderella of the U.S.A. – a gem of a city, under-valued and under-appreciated by its wicked, coastal stepsisters.

-Conrad Zero

Oh yes, and we have the Mall of America too. Just sayin’.

Because Location is a Spice

Can you imagine the Spider-Man movies taking place in Chicago? St. Paul? Milwaukee? Yep. Would that ruin them? Nope. In many stories like these, the location is just a backdrop that adds flavor, but isn’t directly tied to the story.

Am I saying that a city is a city is a city? Sometimes. I am saying you’d be hard pressed to tell one downtown from another during a ninja sword fight against giant, carnivorous, poisonous, exploding spider-leeches.

There are examples where the story location is tied to the story and can’t be changed. If your story is about the President of the United States at work, then your story has to include the location of Washington, DC. But more often than not, the location can be just a spice in the stew. An essential ingredient, but there are many to choose from.

Because of the Miracle of Find/Replace

Let’s suppose that there are editors out there who love Love LOVE New York and hate Hate HATE Murderapolis Minneapolis. Fair enough. In fact, it’s probably true.

But any editor with two IQ points to rub together will be familiar with the terminology “Find/Replace”. This refers to the ability of word-processing software to take any particular word, term, or phrase and replace it with anything you like.

With this in mind, would an editor really reject your story because the main character has red hair and not blonde/black? Drinks RC cola instead of Coke/Pepsi?  Lives in Minneapolis instead of NY/LA? Doubtful.

Editors must have X-ray vision. They need to see right into the guts of the story, and if the heart and liver are good, but they don’t like the spleen, then the editor knows it can be replaced. If an editor loves your plot, pacing and dialog, but doesn’t like your protagonist’s eye-color, occupation or hometown… Find/Replace. If they can’t see the story inside the story, then I don’t really want them as my editor. Would you?

Because authors should “Write What You Know”

We’ve all heard the writer’s advice to “write what you know.”  To be fair, the critiquer I mentioned earlier did admit to this herself, and suggested a ‘solution’ for polluting my story with the Midwest. She said there has to be a reason that the story takes place in Minneapolis and couldn’t take place anywhere else.

This is really good advice. Something all writers should think about. Reminds me of the advice to treat the location like a character in your story.

But my story could take place in any city, so why would I research the geography and climate of Los Angeles when I can write pages of geography and climate about the city I know?

合計 (In Summation)

Stories have to happen someplace, and one of every author’s goals is to make the reader ‘see’ that place. But is the success or failure of a story tied to where it takes place? Will it really make your story a hard sell because some N.Y. editors don’t know how to spell Minneapolis? I don’t think so.

As a reader, I care more about the feel of the location than the location itself. A location is important. THE location… not as much.  Hells,  if Stephen King can write stories based in Bangor, Maine, then I can write stories based in Minneapolis.

I chose Minneapolis as the setting for my story because it’s the Cinderella of the U.S.A. – a gem of a city, under-valued and under-appreciated by its wicked, coastal stepsisters .

Do I have a case of “my hometown is important too?” Clearly. But doesn’t everyone? What do you think? Drop your thoughts in the comments.

Stretching the meaning of “Bestseller”

What do these people have in common? They are all Bestselling Authors. But lately, there have been a plethora of authors claiming “Bestseller” status. The problem is that they are bestsellers – technically . But you should know that some authors are using a new-and-improved definition of the term that might not match up with what you think of when you use the term “Bestseller.”

There’s little argument that a Bestselling Author is the Author of at least one Bestselling Book. Once Upon A Time, a Bestselling Book was defined as a book that had made it onto the New York Times Best-sellers List. But the more generic definition is a book that sells the best out of a specific category in a specific time. With this more generic definition in mind, a little technical help from online booksellers like amazon.com, and a little ethical flexibility, we can manipulate the category and the time period to raise almost ANY book (and its author) to bestseller status.

The more generic definition of “bestseller” is a book that sells the most out of a specific category in a specific time… we can manipulate the category and the time period to raise almost ANY book (and its author) to “bestseller” status.

Best of…something-or-other

Ever since the birth of Consumer Reports, marketing people realized that the ubiquitous title of “Best” has a high impact with consumers. (Especially American consumers.) Car companies realized that a midsized car with average fuel mileage and average price couldn’t really be considered “best” at anything except being a “midsized car with average fuel mileage and average price.”

Add a dash of Evil Marketing Genius and the problem is solved. They narrowed down the specs to weed out their competition until their car was the ‘best’ within the specified sub-section. The term for this status is “Best in Class,” a phrase likely to be found in any car commercial.

This same approach can be taken regarding published works. If you break the market down to a sub-sub-subsection where your book is the best out of those remaining…then you’re the best! Best of Class, of course, but you’re still the best. It’s like being King of your own tree-fort. You get all the bragging rights of being “Best” but there’s a big disclaimer that comes with that definition of Best-ness.

Applying this approach to Bestselling books, Amazon and other booksellers allow authors and audiences to sort the list of best sellers to sub-categories. Authors can use this to their advantage.

For example, the list of bestselling books at Amazon.com can be broken down into some pretty questionable categories. Just find a niche that isn’t being currently dominated, and drop your book in. If Literature>Genre Fiction>Horror>Dark Fantasy is too crowded, how about fiction authors whose first name starts with the letter “C”?

The values are recalculated Every Hour, which leads us to the next piece of best-seller-ness, Timing.

Timing The Bum Rush

Because sites like Amazon measure sales instantaneously and the Bestseller lists are recalculated every hour, it isn’t hard to get your book moved to the top of the list by gathering your friends, and leveraging your social media connections (with added gifts, discounts and other time-limited offers) and launching a timed, all-out purchasing assault in an attempt to “best-ify” books or music This activity is nicknamed a “Bum Rush”

Bum Rush the Charts Logo

A famous Bum Rush was performed on 22 Mar 2007. A website called  Bum Rush The Charts planned the large-scale push of the independent band Black Lab up onto music charts worldwide. It worked. The band peaked at #11 on the American I-Tunes charts and in the top 100 of most other countries. An UNSIGNED band broke the charts using nothing more than a strategically timed social media event.

The theory behind a Bum Rush is simple. Get a large number of people to purchase your book on a particular hour of a particular day. It won’t take a lot to get your book moved to the “Best” of your selected category for that one hour. Collect your title and brag forevermore that you are indeed a Bestseller.

Sneaky? No doubt. But there’s also no doubt that the Bum Rush works. In fact, certain book publishers expect their authors to participate in a Bum Rush, (probably called a “Release Event” or some other legal-speak) and will even add a clause requiring author participation into their “Book Deal” contracts.

In Perpetuity

The beauty is that once achieved, the Bestseller title stays with the author for the rest of his/her lifetime, as though they had achieved a doctorate or a Nobel Peace Prize. All the author’s marketing materials will have the words “…by the Bestselling Author of…” and whether the new material is “Bestselling” quality or not, it still says “Bestselling” on it.

Like I said, Evil Marketing Genius.

Backlash

Because of the glut “Bestselling Authors” out there, you will see authors who became Bestsellers using the traditional method refer to themselves as “New York Times Bestselling Author” and their books as “New York Times Bestseller” or possibly other, more specified titles which gives more detail about where their pedigree comes from and how they differentiate themselves from the rank-and-file “Bestsellers”.

The Upshot

I didn’t write this article so you could run out and become a Bestselling Author. My goal was to inform you that the term Bestseller doesn’t hold the same meaning it did before online booksellers came into play. And nothing against those who have achieved their bestseller status the old-fashioned way. Unfortunately, the new definition of Bestseller does water down the prestige of the title.

From now on, you know to be wary of the term “Bestselling” Anything. When you see an author or book listed as “Bestselling” the first thought in your mind should be “Best What out of Which, exactly?”

-Conrad Zero, Bestselling Author (of all published dark-fiction authors over 30 years of age, with a last name beginning with the letter “Z,” and living in Minneapolis metro area)

It isn’t supposed to happen like this, or so I’m told.

Back in Mar 2009, I tripped across a call for submissions to an anthology titled The Blackness Within.

The idea sounded refreshing and I needed a break from The Demonslayer’s Handbook. So, I took a week off to write up almost 5000 words, and sent it off, thinking no more about it than the fact that I should clear a virtual place for the rejection e-mail I was sure to receive.

On 2 May 2009, I discovered that I’d made the “Short List” whatever that means, and on 5 June I received the following e-mail:

‘Big Game’ is a great story, fast paced and quite different…I’d love to accept the story for inclusion in ‘The Blackness Within’.

Like I said, it’s not supposed to happen this way. The first story I’ve shown outside my circle of friends and relatives, written in a fit of spontaneity… not to mention my first submission ever… accepted?

The princely sum of 15 Pounds is probably enough to buy myself a copy of the book when it comes out, with enough left over for a lovely cuban cigar to smoke while I read it. But the real prize is that I will forevermore be able to say that Conrad Zero is a published author. (And I just might refer to myself in third person when I do it. Adds to the importance, don’t you think?)

So now, with a 100% acceptance rate, I’m terrified to ever make another submission. Don’t want to tarnish that perfect record, eh?

Meanwhile, The Blackness Within anthology should be out later this year by Apex Book Company.

Stunned,

-Zero

We’re told that everyone has a story inside them.

Somehow, mine escaped.

I looked over at the printer, and there it was. Over four-hundred, tree-killing pages of adjective-laden, occult/action/adventure nonsense, sure to send even the most patient copy editor into conniptions. (Unless they charged by the mistake.)

As you read this, several rough drafts of “The Demonslayer’s Handbook” are circulating a tightly scrutinized list of pre-readers. In the meantime, I’ve drowned myself in books, websites and RSS feeds on writing/publishing from insiders and outsiders, those who’ve succeeded and failed, those who swear by the system, and those who swear at it. After what seems like ages of introspection and research, I’ve come to several conclusions.

The Complete Fool

First, any writer foolish enough to go through the traditional publishing route for a ‘book deal’ (esp. for fiction) is… a complete fool. Whatever can be said about the recording industry for music goes equally well for the publishing industry. You’d be money ahead using those printed manuscript pages to heat your home this winter.

The Utter Fool

Second, anyone foolish enough to try to self-publish their work of fiction is… an utter fool. Publishers will tell you that Print On Demand is the new ‘vanity press’ and Amazon is destroying the printed world by enticing authors to ‘the Dark Side’ of self-publishing their own works. Why would anyone buy your crap that’s about as low-quality and apocryphal as the average blog post? You’re better off taking all the money you would have put into the set-up fee for Print On Demand, and take it to the casino instead.

The Complete and Utter Fool

Obviously, anyone foolish enough to try to write a work of fiction now-a-days is…well, a complete and utter fool. Especially niche-y, urban fantasy that sounds like a knock-up of Dan Brown’s “Demons and Angels” and “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”.

So the vote is in. Conventional Wisdom has Spoken. Don’t do it. Don’t be a complete and utter fool.

The Rebel

Ha! Good thing I’m a rebel who only listens to conventional wisdom long enough to figure out how to piss everyone off. The book’s very existence is as unplanned as a broken condom; no reason it can’t be leveraged into a Happy Accident.

I’ve no doubt that I’ll be not only a complete and utter fool, but also a complete and utter failure. However, if I may be so bold as to quote the wise King Theoden:

“If this is to be our end, then I would have them make such an end, as to be worthy of remembrance.”

In other words, if I can’t be astounding, then perhaps I can be an astounding failure. I could very well end up the publishing industry’s poster-boy for Why You Should Never, Ever Self Publish!

I’m going to put together a list of goals, and a timeline. I’ll track all the time and expenses spent on this Beautiful Disaster, and I’ll be sure to post all the cold, hard numbers right here on www.conradzero.com.

Just you watch…

Art Is Resistance
-Zero

Getting your book printed is easy. I just did a blog post about Print On Demand technology called ‘You must be *THIS TALL* to Publish‘ which gives a glossy overview of the process.

Like I said, getting your book printed is easy. But getting it to the people, you are gonna need some help. For marketing and distribution of books today, Amazon.com is the King – and according to Writers Weekly, the King just laid down the law:

Thou shalt have no other POD service providers before me.

Now if you want to release your POD book on Amazon, it must be printed on *their* POD service provider, called BookSurge. Of course, the whole POD industry is in an uproar because Amazon realized they could in-source the POD publishing themselves. Um:

• No.
• Fucking.
• Shit.
• Sherlock.

Let’s see, people step up and start offering POD, and a route to Amazon for independent authors. They start making a bazillion dollars, proving a huge ROI. Amazon says, “Thanks for verifying there’s a market, now we’ll do it ourselves. Blow us.”

The only surprise here is that anyone is surprised.

You can listen to Amazon.com corporate execs blow smoke up your ass here. They claim it’s all about making the process faster which is complete and utter bullshit. PODs can take the order from Amazon and drop ship direct to the customer, so ‘making the process faster’ is a flat-out lie. But there’s no lie about how much $kaching$ Amazon is going to make.

Be careful, some people are mistakenly proclaiming that this means you have an “Exclusive” agreement with Amazon, (meaning you can’t release your book through other POD publishers or other distribution methods) which is NOT true. Mark Jeffrey at the Huffington Post, for example, clearly DID NOT read the entire release from amazon which can be found here.

The agreement is Non-Exclusive, meaning you can still send your POD works through other POD presses, but if you want to sell those copies through Amazon, you will have to have a minimum quantity (as few as five copies) printed and sent to Amazon for stocking through Amazon’s “Advantage Program”. You can also release POD through Amazon/BookSurge, AND through as many other POD or traditional publishers as you like. You just can’t tie Amazon orders to your POD publisher anymore. You wanna do POD on Amazon? You gotta use BookSurge, and you are going to pay whatever they want.

Sounds evil, but it’s just a smart business move for Amazon to eliminate the middlemen. A clever businessperson would have seen this coming. Another clever businessperson would see this as the opportunity to step in and take the place of the ‘Old’ Amazon business model. Those people who were riding the POD gravytrain and just got put out of business because they put all their eggs in the Amazon basket can shut the fuck up and take this time of unemployment to take a class on simple business economics and market trend analysis.

Art Is Resistance
-Zero

The Vanity of the Press

Back in the day, anyone with personal issues, a typewriter, and a couple thousand dollars could become a ‘published’ author. Simply take your masterpiece to the printer (nicknamed a Vanity Press), and pay them to print you a truckfull of books. Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy, right?

Right.

So, you ended up with a truckfull of books that sat in your garage. You gave one to your Mom, sold a handful to friends and family, gave away more copies as Christmas Gifts, and a year or two later you had….

…a truckfull of books sitting in your garage.

The Demand on Print

Fast-Forward to 2008, and although we don’t have any flying cars yet, we have made some fabulous advances in print technology. Digital printing technology has made short runs of books profitable, as little as ONE copy. Pay a setup fee and upload your masterpiece to the publisher over the internet, then order as many (or as few) copies as you need, as often as you need, whenever you need them. No stocking. No warehousing.

So thanks to the technology/business model of Print On Demand, anyone with personal issues, a personal computer and a couple hundred dollars can become a ‘published’ author, and they still have room in the garage to park their car.

Obviously, many authors who subjected themselves to the traditional publishing system (and succeeded) resent this new system that lets everyone in regardless of quality. They worked hard to get into the publishing pool, and it pisses them off to see the gates wide open and people of all heights and talents jumping in. They would argue that the self-published author is as much an “Author” as someone who buys a medical degree online is a “Doctor”. They equate this new system of Print on Demand with the old Vanity Press publishing.

There are similarities. There are differences. But what’s pointed out by advocates of the traditional system is that there is no “approval” or “acceptance” of the material with POD or Vanity Presses. I’ll point out that there is no proof that this acceptance procedure makes for better books, but I can sympathize with authors who worked their tail off to find an agent who worked their tail off to get a manuscript published, and now the market has turned into a free-for-all with this new combination of POD/Internet.

And publishers? They see the new system as a threat. And rightfully so, as I discovered…

The Unfair Book Fair

Last weekend I was at an Author’s Book Fair, and I watched a panel of publishers discussing POD publishing. You can probably guess what they had to say. Their mantra was, “You get what you pay for.” They poked fun at the quality, and they cried about how the POD business is cutting into the Real Publisher’s market.

Then they quickly shifted the talks to how to “bypass” the wretched POD methods and run your manuscript down the traditional route. They proceeded to tell a roomful of hopeful writers how their books weren’t going to be published without some sort of track record, a platform, an image, a marketing plan, and a visionary (or what *the publishers* thought was visionary) manuscript. One even suggested that they expect the author to shoulder the financial burden of the initial printing. (Um… wouldn’t that turn them into a vanity press?)

What I didn’t hear was the POD businesses representing their side of the story, probably because they weren’t invited to attend the panel.

Do the Math

So, let’s add this up – independent artists, working around the existing system by directly targeting their audience through the internet with product of questionable quality, and undercutting an industry which only exists by selling other people’s work?

Wow, are we talking about the publishing industry, or the music industry?

Turns out the two industries really aren’t so different. Getting a book deal with a publisher is similar to getting a record deal with a label. The contracts and advances are based on the same business model. Those with the marketing money and distribution connections make the rules, and they pick what they think will sell. The handful of Stephenie Meyers and JK Rowlings make up for the hundreds of hacks like Conrad Zero who should be thankful the publisher was willing to lose money just looking at their mid-list manuscript.

Meanwhile, the internet came along, gave the authors the power to market and distribute themselves, turning Publishers into middlemen who now hold panels telling people not to publish themselves, but that they have a snowball’s chance in Hell to cut a deal with a real publisher. And if they actually get offered a publishing deal? Well, they better be ready to cut off their own genitalia and sell their own kin for a chance at the big time.

And, um… where does that leave me?

For a while there, I was torn about how to proceed with my own writings. I was waffling about getting an agent, and all the work that the traditional publishing route involves. Making the connection between the Publishing Industry and the Recording Industry made this decision a little easier, and the options now are a little clearer.

• I can set up my own publishing company and order books via Print On Demand. Bar codes, invoicing, book keeping, and Schedule Cs don’t frighten me, so this is probably the best option for me at this time.
• I can also choose to approach smaller, Independent Publishers on my own. I’m not likely to find one interested in my work, but there are a few indie publishers worth their salt.

Either way, I still have a lot of work ahead of me.

And to the “panel” of “professionals,” I’m disappointed. You meet to rail on your enemies, but don’t even have the balls to invite them to defend themselves? This just advertises your fear and your cowardice. You harp on the negatives of POD, and ignore the advantages,  then turn around and tell potential authors that we should sell our souls to you for the honor of a form rejection letter?

Consider this your form rejection letter from me: you can suck my dick. I’ll make my own way. Thanks for the advice.

Art Is Resistance
-Zero