To: KARE 11

What is WRONG with your evening news? Who made the decision to show recorded video of a woman and her child being hit by a car in a parking ramp? That is fucking sick and wrong.

Precursoring the video with an announcement that it ‘may be disturbing’ does NOT give you the right to show shit like that. And showing it over and over again was classy. Way to go.

If people want to see graphic violence like that, they can go to the movie theatre, pay for it, and watch it on their own terms.

What makes you think that’s news anyway? Ask yourself if broadcasting that video made the world a better place or worse.

Please do Minnesota a public service and find someone intelligent enough to filter and focus your news content. Or simply change your call letters to CRAP.

You sick (and stupid) bastards,

Sincerely,
Conrad Zero

The University of MN sent me an e-mail questionnaire on diversity, which I’ve copied below. My responses to the questions are in italics. I did leave some of the questions blank.

Transforming the U

This questionnaire includes 10 open-ended questions. To enable us to better understand the viewpoints of a cross section of communities at the University, and to be more focused in our recommendations, we encourage you to complete also the optional demographic section. Your responses will be handled in a confidential manner, and, again, no individual responses will be identified.

On behalf of the Task Force on Diversity, thank you for your participation in the strategic positioning process.

1) In your opinion, what are the current efforts that are being effective at:
a. Improving the diversity of faculty and/or staff at the University of Minnesota?
b. Improving the diversity of students at the University of Minnesota?

2) In your opinion, what are the past efforts that have been effective at:
a. Improving the diversity of faculty and/or staff at the University of Minnesota?

Ethnicity, handicap, sexuality, gender and such have no bearing on being hired for a position (No Bearing means Positive OR Negative!)

b. Improving the diversity of students at the University of Minnesota?

Encouraging group work in courses where it makes sense
Ethnicity, handicap, sexuality, gender and such have no bearing (Positive OR Negative!) on a student’s grades.
The online registration process is the same for everyone, and easier for all to access.

3) What should be the strategic measures of success for diversity at the University of Minnesota?

When there are no “Special Task Forces” or “questionnaires” on the topic, it will be a non-topic, and you will know you have succeeded.

4) What are the barriers to success for diversity at the University of Minnesota?

The desperate focus on diversity is causing every ‘minority’ to become a special interest group, which is the exact opposite of the intended effect.

5) Who should be accountable for the state of diversity at the University of Minnesota?

The students and faculty.

6) In what ways should the University collaborate with the external community to enhance the state of diversity at the University of Minnesota?

7) What can be done to create a supportive University environment in which:
a. Students feel understood, respected, and valued?
b. Faculty and staff feel understood, respected, and valued?
Modify your business practices to be user-friendly for everyone. This includes registration, bursar, bookstore, etc. For example, make sure all offices and facilities are handicap accessible. Make sure that those who cannot speak/read English make ESL their top priority. It is not fair to expect teaching to take place across a language barrier.

What are the 4 most important priorities the University should focus on to enhance the state of diversity at the University?

1 – Investigate why diversity is more important to the University than other areas such as safety, inflated tuition rates and fees…
2 – Define what you mean by “enhancing” the state of diversity…
3 – Make facilities more handicap accessable
4 – Improve and expand on Distance Learning techniques and technologies.

9) How might the current state of diversity hinder the University’s ability to achieve its goal of becoming one of the top 3 public research universities in the world?

Wasting resources on Task Forces and Questionnaires on Diversity instead of utilizing Common Sense which is cheaper and faster, will reduce the University’s resources for other goals, like “becoming one of the top 3 public research universities in the world.”

10) How might an enhanced state of diversity support the University’s ability to achieve its goal of becoming one of the top 3 public research universities in the world?

It really won’t, but I suspect the answer you were looking for is something like, “The ability of the University to tap into the diverse knowledge and experience of multiple cultures and backgrouds will make it one of the most robust and resourceful public research universities in the world.”

Sincerely,
-CZ

Since I previously announced my kingship, I’ve given careful thought to the general direction in which this country is heading. In my continuing struggle to make America a better place, here are some more commandments which go into effect immediately:

Regarding the War on Porn

Im sure you have all read the news about The War on Porn, but fear not. The War is over.

Porn is not a problem, American attitudes are a problem. Europeans have had topless advertisements forever, but Janet Jackson whips out a mammary at the Super Bowl, and Americans have a fucking Grand Mal. NO MORE!

I am hereby disbanding the FCC, the RIAA and whatever ridiculous task force the government might have put together to waste taxpayer money, and save us from bestiality videos. If someone wants to videotape themselves being tied up, stripped and whipped, and post it to their website, then they have the right to do so. If people would like to volunteer their free time to putting together a list of websites you shouldn’t look at, they have the right to do so. If you would like to take their advice, you have the right to do so.

The National Anthem

The National Anthem has now been changed to Nirvana’s Nevermind. The entire album.

Regarding the Flooding in New Orleans

Two items of note:

1. New Orleans is right next to An Amazingly Large Body Of Water.
2. New Orleans is Lower In Altitude Than the Amazingly Large Body Of Water.  (See note 1.)

Do the Math.

Therefore, what was formerly known as ‘New Orleans’ is now officially called ‘New Orleans Bay’, and instead of wasting resources on restoration so this catastrophe can repeat in a decade or two, the efforts will be spent on relocating the people and businesses to places Above Sea Level.

A Warning to California

Californians should take note of the predicament in New Orleans, and when the SanAndreas Fault breaks, and California slides off into the ocean, I promise we will not build a wall around you and pump the water out like New Orleans.

Regarding the Military

All overseas military are to be returned home, where they can serve and protect their country. All foreign ops will be performed by spies sent out to foreign countries. Any country which acts against the US will be converted into a giant, radioactive parking lot. No joke.

One-World Currency

United States currency will switch over to the Euro, along with a solemn apology for dumping all that tea in the ocean years ago. Lets let bygones be bygones, and work towards One World Currency.

Regarding the Buick Corporation

The owner of the Buick Corporation will immediately be burned at the stake for using the Aerosmith song ‘Dream On’ in a car commercial. Just because there is no more RIAA, doesnt mean we take timeless classics and debase them by using them to sell mediocre cars.

Plenty more commandments to come…

Conrad Zero, King of the United States

I’ve decided that the “Republicrat” system of government we currently have in place is not working. Republicans and Democrats have had their chance to fix things, and they’ve both proven themselves incapable of acting reasonably, rationally or amicably with each other.

Therefore, I have declared myself as King of the United States. My first acts as King are as follows:

• The Metric System. Right Fucking Now.
• Tom Green, Adam Sandler and Howard Stern are to be Stoned to Death for crimes against comedy.
• Bruce Springsteen can choose between Exile and being Stoned to Death. (Why? ‘The Rising’ is an unforgivable cash-in on the 9-11 tragedy. Nice try, Jerk. Get the hell out of my country.)
• George Lucas is hereby ordered to retract the Star Wars episodes I, II, and III, and refund all the money paid to moviegoers. He is then given one year per episode to remake them. If the remakes suck as bad as his first attempts, he will be Stoned to Death for crimes against humanity. If there is any mention of ‘midoclorians’ he will be Burned at the Stake.
• No More “Life in Prison”. The current justice system is not an effective deterrent to crime. Instead of being sentenced to life in prison, guilty parties will be Burned to Death in the town square. This will be televised and free for public viewing (Rating PG-13)
• No More Traditional Prisons. Those who cannot abide by the laws laid down by the King will work on self-sufficient farms, providing services for the community; farming, cleaning, recycling, and maintenance of roadways and public areas.
• No More Traditional Courtrooms. Since you Americans like your “reality TV” so much, all trials will be moved to live television, and the audience can vote for justice via phone or internet. It is every person’s moral obligation to vote on these issues. One vote per person.
• There is no longer an expectation of privacy in public areas. All people will have a RFID/GPS chip attached to their brains at birth, so the government can know where you are at all times. Cameras will be mounted at every corner. Your every move will be recorded.
• No person can own more than one billion dollars worth of assets, cash, stocks, etc. The very idea is ridiculous. Anything above and beyond this margin will go to a fund, managed by the King.
• The King will have a secret group of Smokin-Hot Female Ninja Assassins to make sure these laws are enforced.

These are just off the top of my head. I’ll think up more as I go along.

Rule on,
-C

Back some 6 years ago or so, the University of Minnesota wanted to cash in on the untapped ‘Adult Learner’ market. Remember ‘University College’?

“Hey adults, come get a degree in your spare time! Take night/weekend/internet classes to fit your busy schedule!”

Now, some six years later, the University of MN is up in arms because it’s  ‘taking too long for students to graduate.’ Huh?

And now, they have implemented a ‘minimal credit payment.’ Students pay for a full credit load no matter how many classes they take!

That’s a great deal for kids right out of high school, still living with their parents who flip the bill for 13 credits while their kid takes 20. But it completely screws over working adults taking the odd evening courses, trying to sneak in a class or two when they aren’t working 60 hours per week. Now if they want to take three credits they have to pay for 13? As if the tuition hikes over the past two years weren’t bad enough!

This is surprising for a University where the word “diversity” is implanted into every speech and publication, until it is overused into meaninglessness. It doesn’t seem very diverse to me, to impede the ability of adults with jobs and families to take classes and get a degree in their free time.

I would expect more intelligent decisions from a group of people running a learning institution.

My suggestion to the University of MN is to either discontinue your use of the word “diversity”, or bring back the University College, without the mandatory minimum credit bullshit, and time limits for graduation. Return some fairness to the system for people who did not just step out of high school. What’s the harm if it takes them ten years to graduate?

Sincerely,
-CZ

In the initial excitement of podcasting, many podcasters have the misconceived notion of a podcast format as an hour long production, as though they were a syndicated radio talk show. There aren’t many reasons that a podcast post should be longer than a Blog post. Would you subscribe to a Blog that posted hours worth of reading material? Every day?

NEWS FLASH: PODCASTED AUDIO IS NOT FREE TO THE SUBSCRIBER! It takes bandwidth to download, MB to store, and most importantly – time to listen.

Think about it in terms of blog posts. Blog postings over a full page are LONG… Podcasts longer than a voicemail message are LONG. Podcasts over 10 minutes are REALLY LONG, and require people to schedule the listening into their free time somewhere. More than a half-hour per day is nearly insane. Would you read a single blog post that took a half hour to read? Every day?

The longer the post, the less likely it is that people will make time to hear it. Podcasting is not a Downloadable Radio Talk Show.  With this in mind, I offer podcasters this sage advice to reduce the length of your podcasts, and increase your number of subscribers:

BREAK IT DOWN:

Break your recording into sections and label them like Blog posts so people can pick and choose what they listen to, as well as skip to the next post without having to listen to the entire thing. Think of how music CDs work – instead of releasing an entire CD as a single post (like Jethro Tull’s ‘Thick as a Brick’), release each track separately (like Jagged Spiral’s ‘Days From Evil‘).

Instead of releasing an Hour-long talk show, release each topic within the show as a separate 5-10 min post (Are you listening Engadget? Dave Slusher?)

COMMERCIALS AND MUSIC BREAKS:

Honestly. Who do you think you are putting commercials and music breaks in your podcast? Unless the purpose of the blog post is to review the music or product, there’s no need to break up your technology post or book review podcast with your “kewl tunez”.  Yes, people can FF past them if they want, but that’s not the point. If people subscribe to your podcast for information, then inform them. If they subscribe to your podcast for entertainment, then entertain them. If they wanted to hear music, they’d get it from i-tunes.

EDIT:

HEY! I’m a geek with a microphone! Here me stumble over my lines like my first day in Theater class and say “Ummmm…” and “Ahhhhhh…”!!! How Unprofessional! And it’s reaching the Entire Blogosphere! Hehehe…

No one expects podcasts to be professional; it’s part of the geeky, quirky, kitchiness of the medium that makes it interesting. So editing mistakes out isn’t necessary, but it will make you sound more professional.

Editing for content is another matter. If you drift off topic for too long, or experience technical problems, you owe it to your audience to cut that crap right straight out. If you are tech savvy enough to do a podcast, you can also cut up or re-record your audio before posting it. Unless people are tuning in just to hear you talk, you shouldn’t ramble. If you drift off-topic, edit.

WASTING TIME:

Please don’t do this.

A prime example of wasting your listener’s time is Adam Curry’s 1-7-05 “Daily Source Code” post, [Jan 2010 Update: This particular podcast was pulled from Adam Curry's site.] weighing in at just over 43min long. After 4 min into the podcast, he still had not started yet! He rambles disjointedly about how the previous recording didn’t work, and how he bought a coconut, and how good the coconut tastes, and how a coconut makes an unwieldy drinking container, and that the ceiling fan in his hotel room is noisy, and he actually turns it on for you to prove it, and he did actually BLOW HIS NOSE, which just wastes the listeners time and makes him come off as an arrogant douchebag who just likes to hear his own voice, and thinks you are fascinated enough with his life to want to hear the sounds he makes in the bathroom.

I am picking on Adam Curry because he should know better, given his background, and self-proclaimed evangelist in the field of podcasting. He should be setting the standard. Drifting off-topic for a moment is OK and fun and sometimes funny, but pissing away the first 4 min of a 45 min post is rude to the listener. Expect them to do what I did: Unsubscribe. Worse, if the majority of podcasts behave this way, the entire technology will not see the adoption rate I’m sure we would all like.

Mike Lehman’s ‘Manic Minute‘ is a bit extreme in the other direction, giving the current news of the day in only 60 seconds, but it’s obvious that Mike realizes that his listener’s time is valuable, and he doesn’t dare piss it away like Adam Curry. Something between these two extremes better suits the medium.

THE FUTURE OF PODCASTING:

Podcasting is still a fledgling area, one with great potential. It also has the great potential to suck if everyone blathers for an hour a day. Look at it this way; let’s pretend the average podcast listener only has one hour per day to listen to podcasts. Are they going to listen to your shitty, hour-long ranting and time-wasting? Or are they going to subscribe to a handful of short, informative and entertaining podcasts?

Think about it. Cut your podcasts down, work less, and get a bigger audience. Once you have 10,000 subscribers who can’t get enough of your voice, then you can quit your day job, hire a staff of writers, and then you can post an hour a day podcast.

Conrad Zero
www.conradzero.com
zero@conradzero.com

PS: On a side note, I would just like to say that I hate the term “podcasting” more than anyone, but even I realize it’s too late to change it now. Just let it go. As bad as it is, I can’t image a term for anything worse than “Blog”, which is one of the sounds a toilet makes, and no one seems to mind that….

Historically, the day after Thanksgiving is known as “Black Friday.” It is also the biggest shopping day of the year. The people who put together the “Buy Nothing Day” campaign are upset with the Zombie Consumerism Mentality they see peak at this time of year, the endless marketing hype, and the endless lines of consumers (re)acting like mindless automata.

Sadly, no one told the folks at BuyNothingDay that this is what you get when you mix Free Market + Americans. I could sell freeze-dried shit on E-Bay and some fool would buy it. And if I mixed it with carbonated water, a pound of sugar, a little Emo/Rap/Hip/Pop sound, a catchy name (Poopsie? Croak? ShittyPop?) some cool marketing catch phrases (Stick it to the MAN! Drink who you ARE! Drink ShittyPop!), and showed a teenage midriff or two, PEOPLE WOULD LINE UP FOR IT!

You are here. Deal.

While I agree it makes one want to revoke your American citizenship , taking it out on the retailers is NOT the solution. It doesn’t work.

Their suggestion to walk around the stores clogging the isles dressed as Zombies is hysterical, but the practice of buying a bunch of stuff and then returning it immediately over and over is misdirected and wrong. They should know by now that those kinds of tactics only rebound to hurt everybody EXCEPT those whom they are intended for.

If you are upset that the Consumerist Zombies buy everything from WalMart because it’s cheaper, there are things you can do other than impeding their freedom to make an uninformed decision. If you can’t think of any, then you are a different kind of Zombie, and no better than the consumerist ones…

Blog on,
-Z

Patrick@93X,

The song by Cold you played earlier today (has lyrics “…I didn’t mean to be so cold…”) was just awful. Anybody can mix together bass+drums+powerchorddistortionguitars, but when the lyrics are pussy+whiny+”I feel”+”I want”+”I need” it really puts a damper on the song. It turns an otherwise decent band into a rocked-up version of Dashboard Confessional; possibly the worst lyric writing of all time.
I believe the style of music (in it’s unplugged, coffee-shop form) is called Emo for emotional, you probably know more about it than I do. There are bands that pull off Emo/Rock well (Outside by Staind, for example) and those who don’t, and they are easy to pick out by counting the number of times they say “I” in the first ten seconds.

Now that I have pointed it out to you, it will drive you nuts…

Sorry,
Conrad Zero

This blog post is intended for those prone to send e-mails containing confidential information; the rest of you can ignore this:

I recently received an e-mail with this thoughtful disclaimer/signature at the end…

“The information contained in this message is privileged and confidential information intended only for the use of the individual or entity named. If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient, you are hereby on notice that you are in possession of confidential and privileged information. Any dissemination, distribution or copying of this communication is strictly prohibited. You will immediately notify the sender of your inadvertent receipt and return the original message to the sender.”

This may come as a surprise, but there is no such thing as “confidential” e-mail. That would be like “confidentially” yelling at someone across the parking lot at Burger King, or sending a “confidential” postcard through the post.

Furthermore, unless you have some kind of signed agreement with the recipient, any e-mail you send becomes the property of the recipient  as soon as you push the Send button, and they can do whatever they like with it. If they want to post it on a website, if they want to forward it to all of your friends to make you look like a fool, or if they want to pay Janet Jackson to tattoo it on her breast and then whip it out on national television, then expect it to happen, and no cowardly-half-hearted-attempt-at-ass-covering-pseudo-disclaimer is likely stop it.

With this knowledge, we can now reinterpret the disclaimer to read:

“I am an idiot who truly does not understand that e-mail is an incredibly insecure format that flows through the hands of many, many people, each of whom could quite easily read my communications and use them to get me fired, arrested, or (at the very least) publicly humiliated. I am hoping that you are as stupid as I am, and that this ‘disclaimer’ will trick you into believing that you have no right to ‘disseminate, distribute, or copy’ this e-mail.”

Please send “privileged and confidential” information by registered mail, or perhaps via encrypted/encoded e-mail, and take any ridiculous disclaimers like this off of your e-mail signatures. Honestly! Next, I suppose you will want me to sign a waiver before speaking with you at the water cooler…

-CZ