The cover art is top-notch, causing the book to damned near leap off the shelf at me. So with a quick run through my nearly foolproof book pre-screening system, and I was ready for some tentacle-laden, Lovecraftian, horror-comedy.

Publisher’s Synopsis

A decade ago, college student Laura Harker was saved from a fate worse than death at the hands (and fangs) of a centuries-old vampire priestess and her Satanic minions. Her rescuer, an awkward, geeky folklore student named Teddy, single-handedly slew the undead occupants of the Omega Alpha sorority house, spurred into heroic action by fate itself, inexorably intertwining his and Laura’s destinies.

After navigating her way through law school, Laura is now a junior FBI agent assigned to the Bureau’s Boston office. Unfortunately, she finds her job involves more paperwork than adventure. Ted, on the other hand, has spent the past decade perfecting the ultimate latte, and works as a barista in a nearby corporate chain coffeehouse named for a character in Moby Dick.

When Ted stumbles onto a group of Cthulhu cultists planning to awaken the Old Ones through mystic incantations culled from the fabled Necronomicon, calling forth eldritch horrors into an unsuspecting world. He and Laura must spring into action, traveling from Boston to the seemingly-peaceful suburbs of Providence and beyond, all the way to the sanity-shattering non-Euclidian alleyways and towers of dread R’lyeh itself, in order to prevent an innocent shopping center from turning into… The Mall of Cthulhu.

-From http://nightshadebooks.com/cart.php?m=product_detail&p=119

My Review

At 235 pages, The Mall of Cthulhu was a quick read. The pace was snappy. The writing was clean and error-free.

The plot flowed well, although there were a couple leaps of faith that require you to not suspend your disbelief as much as tie it up in a rubber gimp outfit. I know Providence, Rhode Island isn’t very big, but running into a Cthulhu cultist (one that you are looking for, no less) buying bayberry spice candles at Ye Olde New England Candlery in the mall isn’t a stretch, it’s a tear in the space-time continuum. However, running into a Cthulhu cultist buying bayberry spice candles at the Ye Olde New England Candlery is damn funny. Seamus does a good job of using comedy as an effective plot-patching, hand-waving, rubber-chicken-waving tool. When the plot jumped, I couldn’t stop laughing long enough to get mad about it.

The story is written from 3rd person limited POV, bouncing back and forth between two protagonists: Ted, the scruffy and emotionally damaged barista with the inner resources to lop vampires heads off with an axe when necessary, but not the ability to cope with the memories of his actions, and Laura, the hot and proper, emotionally damaged, lesbian FBI agent. The dynamic between these two is great, and the way it changes through the story (when a little red pepper is added…) is well done.

Those expecting a HP Lovecraft clone may be disappointed. This is a parody. However, fans of Lovecraft will get more laughs out of this story. The part where Ted is stuck in R’lyeh and ponders “…his own reality with its comforting, Euclidean geometry…” had me laughing so hard my stomach hurt. And the name dropping of August Derleth and such… well, if you don’t get it, it won’t ruin the book for you, but it adds to the humor if you’re in on the jokes.

Yes, HP Lovecraft was a Racist

Many of the reviewers on Amazon.com gave this book poor reviews because of references to racism and politics. The Mall of Cthulhu has plenty of references to HP Lovecraft as a racist / white supremacist. There’s no question that he was racist in real life. If there was any doubt, a little poem discussing the Gods creating African Americans should clear this issue up:

“…A beast they wrought, in semi-human figure, Filled it with vice, and called the thing a Nigger.”

- HP Lovecraft ‘On the Creation of Niggers’

Q.E.D. HP Lovecraft. Racist. But we can all agree that he wrote some amazing stories, and I don’t understand why it’s such a task to separate the artist from the art. Walt Disney,  Wesley Snipes, and Phil Spector might each have some whacked-out values that few sane people would agree with, but do we need to disclaimer all their art: Warning – Contents created by a nazi / tax dodger / psychotic, homicidal maniac! Of course not.

Seamus had the opportunity to show us by example that he didn’t approve of Lovecraft’s views by leaving that kind of segregation and hatred out of his own work. Instead, he chose to “hate the haters” and he created bad guys who weren’t bad enough because they were trying to destroy the world, they also had white supremacist pamphlets in their bathrooms, and called those opposed to their plans “Race traitors” (Huh? Wouldn’t it be more accurate to call people trying to destroy the world “Species traitors”?)

Whatever. I would have enjoyed the story more without the racial and political undertones. They were unnecessary and took away from the plot and humor of the story. But they didn’t ruin the story for me as they did for some people. If you are sensitive to these issues, beware. If you are secure in your political and racial views, then this book won’t upset you.

The Author – Seamus Cooper

You won’t find much online about Seamus Cooper. This interview of Seamus Cooper on brendanhalpin.com makes him out as a Luddite when it comes to the internet and a Harlan Ellison-ite about most everything else. But he seems to have come around since then, since he can now be found on Twitter and Facebook:

• Seamus Cooper on Facebook
• Seamus Cooper on Twitter

Free E-Book Sequel

Seamus has posted a free e-book sequel to The Mall of Cthulhu called Dog Walk Of The Dead, and depending on interest in the free e-book, he just might write/release more material for The Mall of Cthulhu mythos.

Free E-book of The Mall of Chtulhu

Due to a falling out with his publisher, Night Shade Books, Seamus decided to release The Mall of Cthulhu for free on Scribd, and for $2.99 on Amazon’s Kindle, in an attempt to undercut his unpaying publisher.  I can’t find either version now, 17 July 2010. This might be related to Seamus and Night Shade Books coming to some resolution, which you can read about here.

Yours Darkly,
-Conrad Zero

Wanted - Scary Monsters for Fiction Market

I’m noticing a trend that fewer and fewer works of Monster fiction are being classified as “Horror.” Stories containing non-humans characters such as Demons, Vampires,  Ghosts, Werewolves, Aliens, and anything with Tentacles, used to be clear-cut Horror. Now they’re about as frightening as getting a flat tire.

Have we gotten used to the idea of monsters? Have they been watered down until they just aren’t scary anymore? “Diet Horror”? “Horror Lite”?

Of course, media geared toward kids have always brought monsters down to an un-scary level; nothing new there, and Disney certainly isn’t helping things.  Monsters, Inc. turned monsters into cute, cuddly creatures who were Frightened Of Kids! And now Monsters vs. Aliens turns monsters into our allies!

Monsters for Kids are nothing new...

But that’s all kids stuff. What I’m talking about is more than simple cartoonification of monsters. Media across the board have sucked the horror right out of the monster market.

Before I get started, just a disclaimer that I don’t believe that all horror stories must contain a monster. I bet the majority of horror stories written don’t have a “monster” in them. I’m just suggesting that the modern monster has lost some – if not most – of its bite.

How far have the horrific fallen? Let’s take a look:

#1 – The Fanpire Shift

You know you're in trouble when Underworld makes fun of you.

I’m going to single Vampires out for two reasons. They really weren’t that scary to begin with, and they have become more popular than all the other monsters combined.  These two points perpetuate each other in what I’m going to call the Fanpire shift.

Think Vampires are scary? Guess again. If there was a list of “Pleasant Ways to Die” then getting your blood sucked out of your neck in the embrace of a hot vamp would be at the top of it. If you think Stephenie Meyer or Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or any of the Underworld movies depict vampires as scary, try watching 30 Days of Night and you will probably piss your pants. Then you will realize why I think the way modern vampires are depicted, they barely classify as monsters at all.

Keep in mind the original Dracula by Bram Stoker was more Gothic than Horrific. Simply the idea of someone drinking the blood of others to prolong their own life was horrific enough. But Dracula-Done-Right had a sense of inhumanness about the vampire character that was at least unnerving if not flat-out frightening. 30 Days of Night was able to capture the alien feel of vampires, but the majority of books and movies today portray vampires as regal, bureaucratic, pompous socialites. Well-dressed dandies with pointy teeth who drink blood from wine glasses with their pinkys out while listening to Bach. In other words, about as frightening as 70′s fashion.

Because of (or in spite of) this, the popularity of the vampire genre cannot be contained. From the massive success of Anne Rice’s series of vampire books, and the “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” franchise which took the vampire genre out of Horror and into the Throap (Part Thriller, Part Soap Opera) vampires are IN. People can’t get enough, or water them down enough. Stephanie Meyer is doing her best to continue this trend,  placing vampires in the least frightening genre ever created; heartfelt, awkward, teenage relationship stories.

Adding the popularity of the Vampire genre to the fact that they’re barely tall enough to make it into the monster pool without a parent or guardian, means the entire monster pool gets watered down.

Hey, if it gets kids to read, I’m all for it. But even if the surge in interest of Vampires actually Raises the number of monster books across the board, if sure feels like there’s less and less media focused on the particularly horrible horror monsters when the market is drowned in Horror-Lite.

#2 – The Paranormal Romance

A smooch from beyond the grave...

Proof that Romance will sleep with anything, Paranormal Romance is the bastard offspring of Horror and Romance genres that extends on the notion of ‘Love Conquers Death’ – the belief that Love persists beyond the demise of one or both partners.  Paranormal Romance takes ‘love from beyond the grave’ to its extreme. Ghosts and spirits used to be something that you AVOIDED. But Paranormal Romance bravely stepped from the shadows to explore the ATTRACTION to the (un)dead!

Borderline necrophilia. Spirituophilia? But there’s more than just ghosts to love here. Romance knows no bounds, especially in the Para-normal.

It should be no surprise that Vampire Romance is growing in popularity. Of the 66,722  Vampire books listed at Amazon today, 1,491 of them are listed as “Vampire Romance”.

One would have expected that werewolves might have escaped being dehorrified,  (with the exception of Teen Wolf, natch) A quick search of ‘werewolves’ on Amazon.com will show you the truth. Out of the 1529 Werewolf books, 279 are “Werewolf Romance”.

Borderline bestiality. Lycanthrophilia? Like I said, love knows no bounds. Even Sharks are finding themselves subject to loving de-horrification:

What’s next? Borderline Tentacle Porn? Chuthluphilia? A search for ‘chuthulu romance’ returned no hits. Thank the gods. Maybe someday when the stars are right…

I don’t dislike Paranormal Romance stories any more than I dislike Romance stories. But turning monsters into love interests wrings the horror right out of them. The rise in popularity of Paranormal Romance alone is enough to un-horrify the monster market.

#3 – The Zombidy and Horror/Comedy

Scene from "Fido"

Zombies have always been funny. Undead, true, but they’re slow; both physically and mentally, which makes them more disturbing than frightening. That is, until you add in the fact that they generally come in large numbers, and the whole “Eat Your Brains” thing (crossed with poor table manners) gives them a more secure seat on the horror bus than Vampires nipping daintily at your Jugular vein.

There’s nothing new about horror/comedy, but the success of well-done films like Black Sheep and “Zombidys” like Shaun of the Dead and Fido raised the bar and ushered in a new wave of films and books that weren’t just laughably bad low-budget B-movies like Chopping Mall or Jack Frost.

Even people who don’t like Horror can appreciate a Horror/Comedy, making that market larger, and simultaneously eroding the pure Horror market; which includes our Scary Zombie and Monster friends.

#4 – Chasing the Horror-Lite Market

Seriously bro, this movie is like so totally scary, its sick! I think it's Rated PG-8!

Dark Fantasy is the kissing cousin of Horror. It appeals to a wider audience, and it’s growing.

Part of the rise in this trend comes from the explosion of the Young Adult book market. Ever since the success of the Harry Potter series, the publishing and movie industries have launched a massive assault on the teen market.  In this market, it seems that monsters are less of a main course and more of a side dish adding flavor to a plot, and not a plot in and of themselves. For example, each book of the Harry Potter series contains some kind of monster or terrifying creature, but the books are labeled ‘Fantasy-Adventure’ not ‘Horror’.

Because of the larger market for Dark Fiction, Horror authors and other artists looking for a bigger audience might tone down the Horror and play up the Dark Fantasy aspect in order to give their work a broader appeal. The results are stories like The Graveyard Book, and Twilight, books that were inspired by, but never intended for, the horror section.

So where are the scary monsters?

I want to reassert here that I’m not opposed to any of the genres or movements listed above. Mostly. But I like my monsters scary damnit, and I’m on the verge of calling scary monsters an endangered species.

While horrific horror monsters might not be extinct, there’s no question that the points listed above have conspired to shove the monster market back under the bed. The  increase in Vampires, Paranormal Romances, Horror/Comedy and the growth of the Young Adult market may have increased interest in works of darker fiction, it certainly seems to have drowned out the small slice of authors and filmmakers creating frightening Monsters.

But like the things hiding under your bed, just because you don’t see them doesn’t mean they aren’t there, lurking in the dark and forgotten corners of the bookstore… Stories about creatures that could kill you just by stepping into broad daylight, their very wrongness would rip your sanity asunder.

I’ve compiled a list of modern-day monster stories in the carousel widget on the side of this post, and I’ll add my own books to this list someday. I haven’t read all these books myself (yet), but I picked a handful of books with good reviews that according to the reviews actually contain scary monsters. If you know of any scary monster stories I should add, throw me a comment.

-Zero

Back in Mar 2009, I tripped across a call for submissions to an anthology titled The Blackness Within.

The idea sounded refreshing and I needed a break from The Demonslayer’s Handbook. So, I took a week off to write up almost 5000 words, and sent it off, thinking no more about it than the fact that I should clear a virtual place for the rejection e-mail I was sure to receive.

On 2 May 2009, I discovered that I’d made the “Short List” whatever that means, and on 5 June I received the following e-mail:

‘Big Game’ is a great story, fast paced and quite different…I’d love to accept the story for inclusion in ‘The Blackness Within’.

Like I said, it’s not supposed to happen this way. The first story I’ve shown outside my circle of friends and relatives, written in a fit of spontaneity… not to mention my first submission ever… accepted?

The princely sum of 15 Pounds is probably enough to buy myself a copy of the book when it comes out, with enough left over for a lovely cuban cigar to smoke while I read it. But the real prize is that I will forevermore be able to say that Conrad Zero is a published author. (And I just might refer to myself in third person when I do it. Adds to the importance, don’t you think?)

So now, with a 100% acceptance rate, I’m terrified to ever make another submission. Don’t want to tarnish that perfect record, eh?

Meanwhile, The Blackness Within anthology should be out later this year by Apex Book Company.

Stunned,

-Zero

On their Submissions page, they are accepting short story entries for an anthology called The Blackness Within. All stories in the anthology will involve the Celtic pig-deity, Moccus.

I know, I’ve never heard of Moccus either. Neither has the internet. It didn’t even come up on GodChecker.com so this is like some seriously under-the-underground hidden knowledge. Or a hoax. Either way, I found the lack of information on Moccus to be refreshing. Finally, a deity that hasn’t been analyzed from all angles and run right into the ground. Authors are given a few guidelines and a few restrictions regarding their submissions, but for the most part left alone to explore and expand on this overlooked god.

So, I cooked up a story called “Big Game.” It’s a cross between The Office (sans humor), Scary Spice (sans music) and all those Cabin-by-the-lake horror films.

I can’t print any of the story here, because the publisher is asking for FNASR (or, First North-American Serial Rights) which precludes me from releasing it before they do. But fear not, if my submission is rejected, or after the limits of the contract have expired, I’ll post the 4866 words of “Big Game” here at conradzero.com for your edification.

-Zero

Demons

The Setup

Both stories in Demons have a ‘near futuristic’ feel. In the first story, several species of demons appear on Earth and attack humans, killing them off in very unpleasant ways. The seven different clans of demons might correlate to the “Seven Deadly sins,” but this was never confirmed in the book.

In the second half, corporate research into ‘psychonomics’ coupled with the research of a new pesticide are about to open the door for the Demons to re-enter the world.

The Good

Really good writing.  good turns of phrase and wonderful analogies. The first book is gritty, and well-paced. Mr Shirley uses an interesting hybrid of first-person/direct-objective that I really enjoyed, taking me into the subject’s head when appropriate, but stepping out for the remainder to make the story ‘bigger’. The Demons are truly monstrous; their actions are truly horrific, and each clan of demon is distinct from the others.

The Bad

Word choices are sometimes ostentatious. [Editor's Note: And *that* observation isn't?] Keep a thesaurus nearby. The first story merely hints at the ‘industry==evil’ theme, but the second book will make you choke on it. In fact, the second book isn’t so much about Demons as it is about how chemical research and third world countries are Evil, and self-awareness is Good. The demons play such a small part in the second book that all references to them could be removed without significantly changing the story.

The Short Version

A pair of sly, well-written stories about how industries, corporations, and third world countries are evil. And Demons.

Art Is Resistance
-Zero

I knew Fragile Things was a collection of short stories and poems, and I thought it would be a good way to cover more ground with Neil Gaiman and get a more definitive sense of his writing style. I was right, but I was wrong to approach his writing that way. In the end, Fragile Things was a slight disappointment.

Don’t get me wrong, Neil Gaiman is a very good writer. He has a marvelous tongue for storytelling. Fragile Things runs through past, present and future periods of fantasy and poetry, adult fairy-tales and Gothic nearly-horror. He writes with clever turns of phrase, alternate realities, twisted mythologies, and interesting points-of-view.

But, the Things inside Fragile Things are just too Fragile; unfinished snippets or unused plot branches from other works; roughed-out ideas collected and published once the name “Neil Gaiman” on the cover of the book would sell more copies than anything inside it. (Hint: Check the last few pages to see where all the stories came from and when.) Few of the stories let me in deeply enough to really enjoy them.

So I got what I wanted, but it turns out it wasn’t what I wanted after all. Like I said, the ideas were clever, but not very flushed out. Fragile Things is like walking past the bakery and having a look and a sniff of the whole lot, instead of a solid taste of anything in particular.

So, I can’t really recommend Fragile Things to anyone but the most hardcore Neil Gaiman fans who have read Everything Else and still want more. I’ve added ‘Neverwhere’ and ‘Death: The High Cost Of Living’ to my Christmas list, in the hopes of getting something a little less fragile…

Art Is Resistance
-Zero

Finally, a vampire movie where vampires aren’t a bunch of pussies sitting around drinking wine with their pinkies out.

Finally, a vampire movie with (gasp!) scary vampires.

Finally, a movie where people make REALISTIC choices despite the abstract situation. They did what you or I would do under the same bizarre circumstances. Too many movies go so far over the top that it’s impossible to suspend your disbelief (or your gag reflex). 30 Days of Night ‘kept it real’ with a simple and tight story, and that kept the horror real. Sadly, this technique is the exception for American horror films.

30 Days of Night is Really graphic, I mean chopping someones head off with a dull axe…well, it’s pretty gritty, grim, dark and bloody; in other words a damn good horror film.

Art Is Resistance
-Zero

How come I only hear about these things after they happen?

Art Is Resistance
-Zero

If you went to Crypticon, or know someone who did, drop a comment here.

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

The Special Effects crew are the wizards at WETA, whom you might remember from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, yes the effects are top-notch, (there’s even a tip-of-the-cap to older movie effects like “American Werewolf in London” and “The Howling” but the movie would have been just as good as a “B” horror flick with cheesy, lo-tech effects.

The idea pretty much sells itself – genetically mutated sheep become evil and attack humans. Humans bitten by the sheep become…weresheep. Before you laugh, know this: weresheep are actually kinda scary. And tough. Tall, too. So don’t dis them before you see Black Sheep

The movie was great fun, much like “Shawn of the Dead.” It was horrific like a horror/comedy should be, and funny like a horror/comedy should be. Just showing the sheep milling about with spooky music had the audience in stitches.

If you decide to go to the Lagoon Theatre in Minneapolis to see Black Sheep, make sure to stop by Bar Abilene and ask for Jill. Not only will three Tequila-Whiskey-Cokes help you enjoy the movie, but Jill is hands down the Greatest Server In The World. And try the house Guacamole made fresh right there at your table.

KTHXBYE,
-CZ