To: KARE 11

What is WRONG with your evening news? Who made the decision to show recorded video of a woman and her child being hit by a car in a parking ramp? That is fucking sick and wrong.

Precursoring the video with an announcement that it ‘may be disturbing’ does NOT give you the right to show shit like that. And showing it over and over again was classy. Way to go.

If people want to see graphic violence like that, they can go to the movie theatre, pay for it, and watch it on their own terms.

What makes you think that’s news anyway? Ask yourself if broadcasting that video made the world a better place or worse.

Please do Minnesota a public service and find someone intelligent enough to filter and focus your news content. Or simply change your call letters to CRAP.

You sick (and stupid) bastards,

Sincerely,
Conrad Zero

The University of MN sent me an e-mail questionnaire on diversity, which I’ve copied below. My responses to the questions are in italics. I did leave some of the questions blank.

Transforming the U

This questionnaire includes 10 open-ended questions. To enable us to better understand the viewpoints of a cross section of communities at the University, and to be more focused in our recommendations, we encourage you to complete also the optional demographic section. Your responses will be handled in a confidential manner, and, again, no individual responses will be identified.

On behalf of the Task Force on Diversity, thank you for your participation in the strategic positioning process.

1) In your opinion, what are the current efforts that are being effective at:
a. Improving the diversity of faculty and/or staff at the University of Minnesota?
b. Improving the diversity of students at the University of Minnesota?

2) In your opinion, what are the past efforts that have been effective at:
a. Improving the diversity of faculty and/or staff at the University of Minnesota?

Ethnicity, handicap, sexuality, gender and such have no bearing on being hired for a position (No Bearing means Positive OR Negative!)

b. Improving the diversity of students at the University of Minnesota?

Encouraging group work in courses where it makes sense
Ethnicity, handicap, sexuality, gender and such have no bearing (Positive OR Negative!) on a student’s grades.
The online registration process is the same for everyone, and easier for all to access.

3) What should be the strategic measures of success for diversity at the University of Minnesota?

When there are no “Special Task Forces” or “questionnaires” on the topic, it will be a non-topic, and you will know you have succeeded.

4) What are the barriers to success for diversity at the University of Minnesota?

The desperate focus on diversity is causing every ‘minority’ to become a special interest group, which is the exact opposite of the intended effect.

5) Who should be accountable for the state of diversity at the University of Minnesota?

The students and faculty.

6) In what ways should the University collaborate with the external community to enhance the state of diversity at the University of Minnesota?

7) What can be done to create a supportive University environment in which:
a. Students feel understood, respected, and valued?
b. Faculty and staff feel understood, respected, and valued?
Modify your business practices to be user-friendly for everyone. This includes registration, bursar, bookstore, etc. For example, make sure all offices and facilities are handicap accessible. Make sure that those who cannot speak/read English make ESL their top priority. It is not fair to expect teaching to take place across a language barrier.

What are the 4 most important priorities the University should focus on to enhance the state of diversity at the University?

1 – Investigate why diversity is more important to the University than other areas such as safety, inflated tuition rates and fees…
2 – Define what you mean by “enhancing” the state of diversity…
3 – Make facilities more handicap accessable
4 – Improve and expand on Distance Learning techniques and technologies.

9) How might the current state of diversity hinder the University’s ability to achieve its goal of becoming one of the top 3 public research universities in the world?

Wasting resources on Task Forces and Questionnaires on Diversity instead of utilizing Common Sense which is cheaper and faster, will reduce the University’s resources for other goals, like “becoming one of the top 3 public research universities in the world.”

10) How might an enhanced state of diversity support the University’s ability to achieve its goal of becoming one of the top 3 public research universities in the world?

It really won’t, but I suspect the answer you were looking for is something like, “The ability of the University to tap into the diverse knowledge and experience of multiple cultures and backgrouds will make it one of the most robust and resourceful public research universities in the world.”

Sincerely,
-CZ

Last night I was putting together my costume for Halloween. I used up almost two full cans of flat white spray paint, in an enclosed garage, at four in the morning. (It’s beginning to scare me how little sleep I really need.) I held my breath for about half an hour, and got a headache like I haven’t had since the last time I drank shots of Jagermeister with the Jagerettes on St. Patrick’s Day… but I digress.

Anyway, I stopped in at the local fabric store in Brooklyn Park, Harris something-or-other, and my out-of-body-experience went something like this:

“Can I help you?” An older lady behind the counter asked.

“Yeah,” I said. “I’m looking for a polyurethane-based, synthetic leather nicknamed Pleather. Have you heard of it?”

Long pause. A second woman comes over to help/eavesdrop.

“Sure.”

Another pause, and a more-than-cursory inspection, not unlike my Drill Sergeant would perform just before a formation. They probably think I’m a City Inspector or with ‘Americas Funniest Home Videos’ or something. At least, I don’t think I look like a terrorist.

“What, um, what color were you looking for?”

I now notice a third woman attempting to get as close to this conversation as possible without getting caught. She isn’t very good at it.

“White” I say, as casually as possible.

“OH!” All three ladies gasp in unison, their hands shooting to cover their mouths as thought I had suddenly contracted the Avian Flu. The third lady pretends not to be shocked (because she isn’t really listening) but she clearly catches about a quarter inch of air.

“Its over there,” the first lady says, pointing with the hand not covering her mouth.

Weird. The rest of the clientele were buying floral-print fabrics which would make the cover of Country Home Magazine puke, and they’re looking at me like I just asked to purchase several yards of Human Flesh.

Oh well, I’ll post some pix when my costume is finished…

Blog on,
-Z

Xtna and I just returned home from the gala NIN concert at Xcel Energy Center.  After washing the blood and sweat from my body (some of it my own) I am ready to give a reasonable recounting for those who have never experienced the Xcel Energy Center, Nine Inch Nails, or the “Minnesota Mosh.”

The Xcel Energy Center

of the concert at the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul. We arrived during the Queens of the Stone Age set, and had some drinks and had a chance to wander the facilities during intermission.

The Xcel is a nice venue, and after attending a concert here, you can understand why people hate the Metrodome. I thought Target Center was nice, but the Xcel is far superior. Two words; Fuh Sillities. Plenty of places to load up and unload your bladder. Clean clean clean. Fantastic sound system. Well done.

Usually I end up with seats so close to the ceiling that you get a better view by looking over the shoulder of the guy in front of you, who is using his cell phone to download blurry, lo-res pix being posted to the Interweb by some drunk guy in the twentieth row. Through some strange Ticketmaster Computer Glitch of Fate, we ended up with tickets to the main floor. Fate had nothing to do with Xtna marching us right through the crowd to front-and-center, about 15-20 rows back from the stage. I was even closer to Trent than when I visited his home in New Orleans’ French Quarter, two years ago.

Of course, this particular spot was Ground Zero when the mosh pit broke out… but I’ll get to that.

NIN

Every NIN concert I’ve attended has been awesome, and this one was no exception.

I’ve been to all NIN concerts here in MN since the Downward Spiral tour, and the crowd has changed substantially over the years. Very few in the crowd last night wore the faded black gang colors of my industrial/goth brethren. Many of them look like people you stood in line next to at Rainbow last week. Ages ran the gamut.

Trent Reznor does not talk much in concert. He does not take requests. He does not care if you mosh while he plays peaceful, minimalist movements like “Right Where It Belongs”. He does not care if you stand unmoving and transfixed, your lighter in the air during “Hurt”. He does not care if the crowd sings the chorus to “Terrible Lie” so loudly that he does not have to. He does not care if you cower in fear for your life while the crowd becomes blissfully suicidal during the encore, “Bite The Hand That Feeds”.

He does not care, nor has he mellowed with age. The man is pissed off and willing to share – take it or leave it. His anger is still contagious and therapeutic. This is church for myself and many others. Hallelujah.

The Minnesota Mosh

It didn’t take long before the mosh pit opened up all around Xtna and me. So we got two shows for the price of one, and I can’t say which was more  entertaining. It was fun to watch a angry moshing group try to hold the slam dance together when Trent shifts to his more ambient, passive movements.

But I did observe enough to learn a bit about the Minnesota Mosh, and identified several helpful rules if you are at a Lutheran Potluck and a Mosh breaks out.

Rules for the Minnesota Mosh:

1. The people not wearing shirts (usually male) are Professionals. Watch them, they know what they are doing, and tend to enforce the rules.
2. The Circle usually spins widdershins (anti-clockwise).
3. It is OK to run full-tilt-out-of-control straight into another person, but punching or kicking them is frowned upon.
4. If you knock anyone over, help them back up.
5. If anyone passes out or gets knocked out, (or if you don’t really like them), ‘put them up’ which means to raise them up so the crowd gets them body surfing, then Security will quickly haul them out, as body surfing is not allowed.
6. If you find yourself at the edge of the moshpit, but don’t want to join in, you have three options. First, you can move someplace else. Second, you can avoid eye contact and hold your ground (having your elbow directed firmly toward the moshpit helps.) This will minimize the number of people who run into you. Third, you can watch the pit and actively push bodies that get near you back into the pit. This will increase the number of people who run into you.

Blog on,
-CZ

In the initial excitement of podcasting, many podcasters have the misconceived notion of a podcast format as an hour long production, as though they were a syndicated radio talk show. There aren’t many reasons that a podcast post should be longer than a Blog post. Would you subscribe to a Blog that posted hours worth of reading material? Every day?

NEWS FLASH: PODCASTED AUDIO IS NOT FREE TO THE SUBSCRIBER! It takes bandwidth to download, MB to store, and most importantly – time to listen.

Think about it in terms of blog posts. Blog postings over a full page are LONG… Podcasts longer than a voicemail message are LONG. Podcasts over 10 minutes are REALLY LONG, and require people to schedule the listening into their free time somewhere. More than a half-hour per day is nearly insane. Would you read a single blog post that took a half hour to read? Every day?

The longer the post, the less likely it is that people will make time to hear it. Podcasting is not a Downloadable Radio Talk Show.  With this in mind, I offer podcasters this sage advice to reduce the length of your podcasts, and increase your number of subscribers:

BREAK IT DOWN:

Break your recording into sections and label them like Blog posts so people can pick and choose what they listen to, as well as skip to the next post without having to listen to the entire thing. Think of how music CDs work – instead of releasing an entire CD as a single post (like Jethro Tull’s ‘Thick as a Brick’), release each track separately (like Jagged Spiral’s ‘Days From Evil‘).

Instead of releasing an Hour-long talk show, release each topic within the show as a separate 5-10 min post (Are you listening Engadget? Dave Slusher?)

COMMERCIALS AND MUSIC BREAKS:

Honestly. Who do you think you are putting commercials and music breaks in your podcast? Unless the purpose of the blog post is to review the music or product, there’s no need to break up your technology post or book review podcast with your “kewl tunez”.  Yes, people can FF past them if they want, but that’s not the point. If people subscribe to your podcast for information, then inform them. If they subscribe to your podcast for entertainment, then entertain them. If they wanted to hear music, they’d get it from i-tunes.

EDIT:

HEY! I’m a geek with a microphone! Here me stumble over my lines like my first day in Theater class and say “Ummmm…” and “Ahhhhhh…”!!! How Unprofessional! And it’s reaching the Entire Blogosphere! Hehehe…

No one expects podcasts to be professional; it’s part of the geeky, quirky, kitchiness of the medium that makes it interesting. So editing mistakes out isn’t necessary, but it will make you sound more professional.

Editing for content is another matter. If you drift off topic for too long, or experience technical problems, you owe it to your audience to cut that crap right straight out. If you are tech savvy enough to do a podcast, you can also cut up or re-record your audio before posting it. Unless people are tuning in just to hear you talk, you shouldn’t ramble. If you drift off-topic, edit.

WASTING TIME:

Please don’t do this.

A prime example of wasting your listener’s time is Adam Curry’s 1-7-05 “Daily Source Code” post, [Jan 2010 Update: This particular podcast was pulled from Adam Curry's site.] weighing in at just over 43min long. After 4 min into the podcast, he still had not started yet! He rambles disjointedly about how the previous recording didn’t work, and how he bought a coconut, and how good the coconut tastes, and how a coconut makes an unwieldy drinking container, and that the ceiling fan in his hotel room is noisy, and he actually turns it on for you to prove it, and he did actually BLOW HIS NOSE, which just wastes the listeners time and makes him come off as an arrogant douchebag who just likes to hear his own voice, and thinks you are fascinated enough with his life to want to hear the sounds he makes in the bathroom.

I am picking on Adam Curry because he should know better, given his background, and self-proclaimed evangelist in the field of podcasting. He should be setting the standard. Drifting off-topic for a moment is OK and fun and sometimes funny, but pissing away the first 4 min of a 45 min post is rude to the listener. Expect them to do what I did: Unsubscribe. Worse, if the majority of podcasts behave this way, the entire technology will not see the adoption rate I’m sure we would all like.

Mike Lehman’s ‘Manic Minute‘ is a bit extreme in the other direction, giving the current news of the day in only 60 seconds, but it’s obvious that Mike realizes that his listener’s time is valuable, and he doesn’t dare piss it away like Adam Curry. Something between these two extremes better suits the medium.

THE FUTURE OF PODCASTING:

Podcasting is still a fledgling area, one with great potential. It also has the great potential to suck if everyone blathers for an hour a day. Look at it this way; let’s pretend the average podcast listener only has one hour per day to listen to podcasts. Are they going to listen to your shitty, hour-long ranting and time-wasting? Or are they going to subscribe to a handful of short, informative and entertaining podcasts?

Think about it. Cut your podcasts down, work less, and get a bigger audience. Once you have 10,000 subscribers who can’t get enough of your voice, then you can quit your day job, hire a staff of writers, and then you can post an hour a day podcast.

Conrad Zero
www.conradzero.com
zero@conradzero.com

PS: On a side note, I would just like to say that I hate the term “podcasting” more than anyone, but even I realize it’s too late to change it now. Just let it go. As bad as it is, I can’t image a term for anything worse than “Blog”, which is one of the sounds a toilet makes, and no one seems to mind that….

OK, so today I learned a valuable lesson, which I thought I would pass along to you at no cost other than your time spent reading about it. Today, I received yet-another-e-mail-designed-to-spread-fear-insecurity-and-paranoia. (This one involved a woman filling her car at a gas station, and an assailant who jumped in the backseat, etc…) I checked it out at snopes.com and discovered what I already knew, that this e-mail is as old as e-mail itself, and maybe (just maybe) based on a quarter-truth.

I hit Reply, and told this person (My Tae Kwon Do Instructor) that the e-mail was junk, and he shouldn’t pass things along of this nature without checking them out. Further, I suggested that it was better not to pass them along at all. Perhaps a touch cold, but certainly how I felt. I decided that he could send a retraction to Tae Kwon Do School if he thought it was necessary.

I was surprised when immediately after sending my reply, it returned to my own mailbox! On closer inspection, I realized when I hit Reply, the message went the the Entire Group at Yahoo.com!!!! All the students. All the other instructors. Oh, boy.

Needless to say, I am still in shock, (just realized this ten minutes ago…) But the lesson I learned is this: In E-mail, phone messages, letters, etc. Realize your communication could be repeated, forwarded, posted, blogged, recorded and shown on COPS, etc, so don’t say something through other mediums that you wouldn’t say to the person, um…, in person.

And double check the address before you press Send.

Blog on,
-Z

This blog post is intended for those prone to send e-mails containing confidential information; the rest of you can ignore this:

I recently received an e-mail with this thoughtful disclaimer/signature at the end…

“The information contained in this message is privileged and confidential information intended only for the use of the individual or entity named. If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient, you are hereby on notice that you are in possession of confidential and privileged information. Any dissemination, distribution or copying of this communication is strictly prohibited. You will immediately notify the sender of your inadvertent receipt and return the original message to the sender.”

This may come as a surprise, but there is no such thing as “confidential” e-mail. That would be like “confidentially” yelling at someone across the parking lot at Burger King, or sending a “confidential” postcard through the post.

Furthermore, unless you have some kind of signed agreement with the recipient, any e-mail you send becomes the property of the recipient  as soon as you push the Send button, and they can do whatever they like with it. If they want to post it on a website, if they want to forward it to all of your friends to make you look like a fool, or if they want to pay Janet Jackson to tattoo it on her breast and then whip it out on national television, then expect it to happen, and no cowardly-half-hearted-attempt-at-ass-covering-pseudo-disclaimer is likely stop it.

With this knowledge, we can now reinterpret the disclaimer to read:

“I am an idiot who truly does not understand that e-mail is an incredibly insecure format that flows through the hands of many, many people, each of whom could quite easily read my communications and use them to get me fired, arrested, or (at the very least) publicly humiliated. I am hoping that you are as stupid as I am, and that this ‘disclaimer’ will trick you into believing that you have no right to ‘disseminate, distribute, or copy’ this e-mail.”

Please send “privileged and confidential” information by registered mail, or perhaps via encrypted/encoded e-mail, and take any ridiculous disclaimers like this off of your e-mail signatures. Honestly! Next, I suppose you will want me to sign a waiver before speaking with you at the water cooler…

-CZ