The CDC Releases A Practical Preparedness Guide

Conrad "Zombie Dude" Zobmouski sez, "Be Prepared, Man!"

Let it not be said that the CDC doesn’t have a sense of humor. (Sorry, double-negative. Let me try again.) The CDC definitely doesn’t lack a poor sense of non-humor. Check this out:

CDC has a fun new way of teaching about emergency preparedness. Our new graphic novel, “Preparedness 101: Zombie Pandemic” demonstrates the importance of being prepared in an entertaining way that people of all ages will enjoy. Readers follow Todd, Julie, and their dog Max as a strange new disease begins spreading, turning ordinary people into zombies. Stick around to the end for a surprising twist that will drive home the importance of being prepared for any emergency.

For those who’ve slogged through the Minneapolis Zombie Pub Crawl, you’d agree that the inevitable zombie apocalypse won’t be so bad. And anyone who lives in America might already think the Zombie Apocalypse has already occurred.

Whether you look forward to it or not, an Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse is, by definition, Inevitable. So you might wanna consider reading through the CDCs preparedness guide.

More Tools To Help You Make The Best Of The Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse

Another tool to get you in the spirit of the Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse is the board game Pandemic, in which four players work together to stop the spread of four deadly diseases before they take over the world. After you play (and lose) this game a few times, you’ll have a new appreciation for the people who work to stop the pandemic.

You’ll also want something to read while you’re hiding beneath the stairs. I recommend this lovely dark fiction compilation.  You’ll probably want the paperback version, or a lot of batteries for your e-book reader.

Two more musts are hand sanitizer and keyboard/mouse cleaner. Get in the habit of using them now. Even if the Inevitible Zombie Apocalypse is years away, your IT guy will thank you.

What is Small Business Saturday?

I was surprised to learn that the idea to support local, independently owned and operated businesses over the holiday season was created by one of the biggest, nameless, faceless businesses of all time.

In November 2010, American Express promoted Small Business Saturday – a companion to  Black Friday and Cyber Monday, in which people were encouraged to patronize local brick-and-mortar stores instead of the mega-franchises.

This is clearly a Sign of the Apocalypse. But I think it’s a great idea. (Small Business Saturday, not the Apocalypse. No, wait. On second thought, they’re both pretty good ideas.) Actually, the idea behind Small Business Saturday isn’t altruistic. Small businesses take credit cards too, and American Express gets their cut whether you buy from a megastore or from an author who uses paypal or square to take credit cards at book signings/readings.

The Smallest Business is One Person

I’d actually suggest taking this concept a tiny step further. If you’re choosing to indulge in the post-thanksgiving consumerist binge, consider supporting products and services directly from local providers. I mean buying art directly from the artist. Not from a business. Not even from a small local business, but from PEOPLE.

Buy directly from the people who actually make the product or perform the service. 

It isn’t hard to find artists and crafters who live and work in your city: musicians, authors, salons, woodworkers, etc. Although they may not have a storefront. You may have to catch them at public appearances, or possibly through their websites. Finding them can be more fun than scouring the soul-crushing Mall of America.

I think this kind of gift is more thoughtful and meaningful to not just the gifter and the giftee, but also to your local artists. And it beats the hell out of a gift card to the mega-store.

I’ll take this opportunity to point out some independent artists from the Minneapolis area who are worth raving about. Want to make your gift extra-extra-special for no extra charge? Ask the artist to sign a personalized “Merry Christmas to…” for the recipient.

Minneapolis Musicians

Track down these great bands at a local show and buy the CD direct from the musician or through their websites.

• All The Pretty Horses have a CD release party on 2 Dec, along with Hastings 3000
• Check out the Phantom Tails/Fort Wilson Riot split vinyl release party on 3 Dec, and get two band releases for the price of one!
• Mark Mallman always has something going on.
• Mayda, Dosh, STNNNG, Tapes-n-Tapes, POS, Gay Witch Abortion, No Bird Sing, Haley Bonar, Peter Wolf Crier, and about a billion more to choose from. If all else fails, download Jagged Spiral’s album Days From Evil for free, burn it to a CD and say you paid for it.
• City Pages has an entire directory of Minneapolis bands.
• Check out vita.mn for local shows.

Minneapolis Authors

These authors have the occasional local reading/appearance, or contact them through their websites:

• Michael Merriam – Speculative Fiction, Paranormal Romance
• Abra Staffin Wiebe – Speculative Fiction, Steampunk and Fantasy
• Dana Baird – Young Adult Fiction
• Terry Faust – Speculative Fiction and Sci-Fi
• Christopher Valen – Crime
• Conrad Zero – Dark Fiction. Duh.
• Check out Magers and Quinn, Once Upon A Crime, Dreamhaven Books, and Uncle Hugo’s for more local author events, readings and recommendations.
• City Pages lists reading events here.

Minneapolis Artists

Musicians and authors are the company I keep, so it’s harder for me to list other local artists by name. But finding them for yourself can be half the fun.

• Anna Lee has some great fashion designs.
• Julia Leigh gives fun dance lessons, which would make a unique gift!
• Again, local news sources and search engines are your friend

Happy Consumering!

One thing that Buy Nothing Day and Small Business Saturday have in common is taking your money back from the fat-cats. You should consider where your money goes all the time, not just for one weekend of the year. Where does your money go if you buy at Walmart? Who knows? But if you buy from a local human being, you know. And there’s the added incentive that you are helping to improve the art in your community by supporting local artists.

If you know of more local artists people can support directly, list them in the comments.

And remember: consumerism is not the spirit of the holiday, and neither is giving each other gift cards.

 Yours Darkly,

Nothing? That's Exactly What I Wanted!

Friends, Food and Firearms Make Great Gifts for Dark Fiction Authors

Many dark fiction authors are Nihilists and/or Buddhists, which makes gift-buying notoriously difficult.  What do you buy for someone who’s let go of material concerns and doesn’t want anything at all?

But don’t worry. I’ve compiled a short list of sure-fire gifts that will have the dark fiction author in your life smirking broadly. (They never smile. True.)

1 – A Thesaurus

As we all know, a thesaurus is the resultant offspring of a Magical Liopleurodon and a Balrog of Morgoth. Thesauri only eat live mammals, and they eat a lot. The City of Minneapolis bans walking thesauri during daylight hours, which makes them perfect companions for our dark fiction friends here in flyover-land.

I got one, and while I don’t see why a thesaurus is a MUST for authors in general, but I can tell you their temperament is a perfect match for dark fiction authors. They make very loyal pets, and they’re a great inspiration for story material.

Added Benefit: Having a thesaurus also keeps stalker fans and agents from visiting.

2 – Unicorn Meat

Even dark fiction authors have to eat. And where else can you get a full day’s supply of sparkles AND magic? Radiant Farms Canned Unicorn Meat is sure to hit the spot, and give any dark fiction author a boost of energy during those late-night manuscript revisions.

My thesaurus LOVES unicorn meat, but as I said, it only eats live mammals, which makes unicorn meat an extremely rare treat at my house.  Which is a good thing, because cleanup is a bitch.

3 – Mossberg 590A1 Tactical Shotgun

Dark fiction authors have manuscripts to defend. They got mouths to feed. And keeping unruly agents, stalker fans, unicorns and thesauri in line cannot be left to standard-issue armament.

Hence, the Mossberg 590A1 Tactical Shotgun:

Perfect for keeping unruly Agents, Stalkers, Unicorns and Thesauri in line.

9 shot. 12 gauge. An aluminum stock that does more positions than the Kama Sutra. And it comes in Dark-Fiction-Author-Black.

I highly recommend Glaser Safety Slugs for indoor use.

Comments?

It’s a short list, I know, but beyond friends, food, and firearms, there’s not much to pique the interest of your average dark fiction author.

If you know of other great gifts for authors of dark fiction, be sure to drop your suggestions in the comments below.

Public Domain Image courtesy Wikimedia Commons

The Accidental (and Ironic) Pirate

While researching different authors perspectives on e-book piracy, I tripped over a blog post by a New York Times Bestselling Author. Let’s call her Jenn. (Not her real name) Jenn’s blog post explains how piracy affects people she knows in the music industry, and her own career as an author. She experiences the direct impact of piracy firsthand, and she is clearly against the theft of intellectual property.

And yet the irony is that Jenn, herself, is a pirate.

That’s right. A New York Times Bestselling Author, a person who is directly affected by pirates stealing electronic versions of her work, a person who knows and understands piracy and even fears that it may be destroying the publishing industry…

…is a pirate herself.

At the top of her article, she used a graphic of a pirate flag which looks similar to the one at the upper-right of this post.

Unfortunately, the watermark on the image Jenn used shows it to be a copyrighted image, unlicensed and unapproved for public use.

Its ironic (in lots of ways) that an author opposed to piracy would use a pirated version of a pirate flag in her anti-piracy post.

You probably noticed that I’m not linking to Jenn or providing her real name. I’ve informed the author of her indiscretion, and she took the image down immediately. I know Jenn didn’t mean to use an image without permission. But there’s something we can all learn from this, and this simple oversight by someone who should know better hits the nail on the head with an aircraft carrier.

Jenn is a particular kind of pirate, one most people don’t think of when they talk about pirates. I’m calling this type of pirate a Zombie Pirate.

Dead Pirate image courtesy Casey West

Zombie Pirates

Jenn never meant to break the law, she simply didn’t know better. She didn’t know the image was copyrighted. There’s tons of free graphics on the internet and she grabbed that one just like it was any other.

Full stop. Let’s reword that thought quickly and play it back again:

Jenn never meant to break the law, she simply didn’t know better. She didn’t know the music was copyrighted. There’s tons of free songs on the internet and she grabbed that one just like it was any other.

And again:

Jenn never meant to break the law, she simply didn’t know better. She didn’t know the e-book was copyrighted. There’s tons of free e-books on the internet and she grabbed that one just like it was any other.

I call this Zombie Piracy because the people doing it have their brains turned off. They know piracy is wrong, (Hells, Jenn just blogged a whole post about how piracy was damaging her personally!)  but they don’t realize they are doing it. They aren’t paying attention.

Here is another example of Zombie Piracy performed by a national commercial newspaper!

How about people who install torrent clients, unaware that they’ve just turned their computers into webhosts for copyright media files?

Brain. Turned. Off.

Causes of Zombie Piracy

Granted, there are some people who opt-in to Zombie Piracy by embracing their own ignorance. Copyright law is confusing, (even to newspapers and bestselling authors, apparently) and it takes a bit of work to dig up the owner and copyright status of any electronic file. Easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, right? So they throw their hands up and say, “Aw Hells, I dunno!”  Then Right-Click, Save-As, and live the life of the blissfully ignorant zombie pirate.

There are websites out there that make it easy for the casual user to become a Zombie Pirate… they’re called search engines.

Toothless Zombie courtesy Atio Fiel

Jenn found her pirate flag graphic using the ubiquitous Google Image Search. But Google can’t be blamed for Zombie Piracy.  Knowing the copyright status of the media is the users responsibility. To their credit, Google does provide the lukewarm warning, “Image may be subject to copyright” beside every graphic it presents.

Threat Level of Zombie Pirates

I suspect the Zombie Pirate is the most common of the pirate types. I also suspect they are the easiest to cure.

Unlike other types of pirates, Zombie Pirates don’t intend any harm. They would be likely to buy a song, graphic or e-book if they knew they were supposed to pay for it. In that respect, these pirates do cost the industries in potential lost sales.

They’re also the most likely to get caught, because they aren’t aware they are doing anything wrong, so they also aren’t aware that they should cover their tracks. But Piracy is Piracy right? The music and publishing industry think so, and history has  proven that they don’t accept ignorance as an excuse.

The Cure for Zombie Piracy

In Left 4 Dead, the cure for Zombies is the combat shotgun. But the cure for Zombie Piracy is awareness.

Remember this: All artwork is copyright of the artist immediately upon creation by default.

Assume that any media you come across on the web is copyright, and it’s your responsibility to track down the usage rights before you use it.  You should have the copyright source and status of media you use, just like you should be able to provide proof-of-purchase for physical products that you own.

If you are looking for free media, your best bet is to look for items which are in the Public Domain. That stuff is FREE as in, EFF ARR double “E”.

You can also look at media released under Creative Commons licensing, but be careful. The umbrella term “Creative Commons” doesn’t mean “Free.” There are different license types within Creative Commons which have different requirements or restrictions. Explanations of Creative Commons licenses can be found here: http://creativecommons.org/about/licenses

And please, if you are going to use Google Image Search, make sure to use the Advanced Search Settings and under “Usage Rights” select from the list of available filters.

Better yet, check out this post which lists a plethora of sources for free media.

Now you know. Turn. Brain. On.

Resources for Free Media

To help prevent the spread of Zombie Piracy, I’ve collected some resources to help you find media files (audio, video, e-books etc…) which are free to use. Make sure to read and adhere to the terms of use carefully. Some media might not be free (or even usable) for commercial purposes, author attribution might be required, or there may be other conditions:

Free Media (Images, Sounds, Video, etc…)

• http://search.creativecommons.org/ – A search engine for media released under Creative Commons licensing. This does a sub-search of several other sites, including Flickr and Google Image Search.
• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Public_domain_image_resources This site lists many websites with content available in the Public Domain.
• http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Main_Page A database/wiki of media which are free to use. It also has a handy list of license types.

Free Pictures and Graphics:

• Morguefile.com/ Free images for use even in commercial applications, but you cannot claim ownership of, or resell the images.
• Flickr.com A popular picture-sharing site. The copyright and usage info for each picture can be found under “Additional Information”
• Google Image Search is useful for finding free pictures and graphics, if you know how to use it. Use the  Advanced Search Settings and under “Usage Rights” select from the list of available filters.
• Deviantart.com has tons of amazing art, but not all of it is free. You have to look at the details for each picture to see the copyright restrictions.

Free Sounds and Music:

• The Freesound Project at Freesound.org is filled with free sound effects licensed through Creative Commons. See here for more info about usage rights.
• Jagged Spiral’s debut album, “Days From Evil” is free to download, and licensed through Creative Commons Music Sharing License. (Full Disclosure – We Rock!)

Free E-books:

• Project Gutenberg has plenty of free e-books which are in the public domain.

If you know of other good sources for free-to-use material, please post them in the comments section.

Here are some bonus features for you to think about as you download all that “free” media…

Fair Use?

Those who want to know the truth about “Fair Use” can get it straight from the horse’s mouth here: http://www.copyright.gov/fls/fl102.html

But here is all you really need to know, from the website:

The distinction between fair use and infringement may be unclear and not easily defined.

and this:

The safest course is always to get permission from the copyright owner before using copyrighted material.

Besides, you don’t really want to argue over the definition of “Fair Use” in court, right? It isn’t worth it.

One thing you can do to help avoid issues from the start is…

Attribution of Your Sources

Some “free” media require you to attribute the author/source/owner of the media. Attribution is simply mentioning the copyright holder. This could be as simple as putting their name near a quote like this:

Twitter is about as useful as a wet-nap is to a scuba diver.

-Conrad Zero

Or it could be listing the copyright holder in the tag of an mp3 file or movie credits.

Seems like every copyright holder has a different definition of “attribution” which makes it a pain in the ass to seem compliant.  I imagine that’s probably why very few websites actually do it. And even proper attribution to the copyright holder is no protection from accusation of unfair use. But providing attribution (even if it isn’t a requirement of use) certainly makes you look better, both online and in a court of law.

For more on attribution, check out this news article on the Blog Herald discussing “How to Provide Attribution in the Blogging World” or, examples of Copyright Attibution for Creative Commons Media(pdf).

And while WordPress thoughtlessly strips links out of image captions, making it near impossible to attribute graphics, this kind soul has developed a working solution, which I now implement here at conradzero.com.

Commercial/Business use

Much of the “free” media is only free for non-commercial use. As you can imagine, the definition of “Commercial Use” has become a slippery topic. If you have Google Adwords running on your personal blog, is that “Commercial”? What if you use your blog as a focal point for adding readers to an e-mail list where you send out ‘exclusive offers’? What if you have a Paypal ‘Donate’ button at the bottom of your site?

Again, I recommend erring on the side of caution. If you are making money, then you should use media that allows for commercial use.

Editing, Remixing and Derivative Works

If you plan on editing a graphic, pic, sound file or video, make sure the usage license allows for derivative works, otherwise contact the media’s copyright holder for permission.

Other Resources

Yours Darkly,
-Conrad Zero

The Future of #TwitterRebellion

The Devolution of Twitter

The creators of Twitter will tell you that they didn’t know what the hell it was for when they released it. They created a way to send a txt message to the world and watched to see how people would use it.

Like several people I’ve dated, Twitter is fast and easy. The microblogging and public text-chat format is perfect for sharing links, updating status, asking questions or blurting out random props that don’t require the treatment of a fully-formed blog post. Way back in Feb 2009, I guessed what twitter might evolve into.

Unfortunately, twitter didn’t evolve. It devolved.

Automatic for the Tweeple

Automation is one of the cool things twitter had going for it. The open-source platform allows companies like youtube, myspace, facebook and others to tie in to your twitter account and auto-post tweets for you. In fact, this blog post here at conradzero.com will auto-post a link to twitter through the twitterfeed service. Saves me the time and effort of doing it myself. Coolness, right?

Kind of.

Automation is one of the suck things that is killing twitter. The open-source platform allows people to upload a spreadsheet of 10,000 senseless posts which automatically post to twitter on a schedule of about once per second. While the posts on twitter were already nearly mindless bits of fluff, now accounts drown twitter in completely mindless bits of fluff. The goal of these New Media Spambags is to post as many times as inhumanly possible. Post more = get seen more. Get seen more = get followed more. More followers = bigger market for your advertising messages.

Does this work? Of course it does.

Does it suck? Of course it does.

And of course, twitter only encourages that you follow people with lots of followers, because…that’s how you get more followers.

Invasion of The New Media Spambags

Classic Automated Twitter Spambaggery - Note he admits the pic isn't his either!

Of course the people who wreck almost all online things are those who REALLY REALLY want to sell you something. Whether their product is good or not is irrelevant – getting it out in front of people is all they care about. Using the automation I mentioned before, these Twitter Spambags stream continual posts – jokes, quotes, facts… and of course, repeated references to their product.

These are the same douchebags who use e-mail SPAM to sell their products. The idea is the same; a high volume of public contact will lead to a small percentage of click-thru, which leads to an even smaller percentage of sales. The higher the quantity of contact, the larger the number of click-thru, the larger the number of sales.

I’ve included a screenshot of just such a Twitter Spambag. No particular reason I’m picking on this person, there’s thousands of profiles just like this one. But here’s some tips on how to spot a Spambag in the wild.

First, note the frequency of posts. No human can write consistent posts like this every three minutes (Exactly three minutes apart, mind you.)

Second, note the content of the posts. Two tweets of generic quotes or factoids, then every third post is a link to a “Make Money Now” page. Because links take up part of the precious 140 character twitter-post limit, services are used to shorten the post down to a smaller size. Because of the shortening, the links are hidden and you can’t see where they go until you click on them.  But notice that the link in the first post is repeated in the last post. If you scrolled down the list of tweets, you would see this particular Spambag alternating between two links over and over.

Third, note where the posts originate. In this case, they all come from API, meaning they are being sent through a third-party service. Likely, an automated one.

This is another spam artist turning the new social media into a quagmire of auto-babble. Is this illegal? Of course not. But it’s also not illegal for people like this to starve to death because no one buys their shit.

#TwitterRebellion - Putting Twitter Spambags Out Of Our Misery since 2009.

#TwitterRebellion – Block the Twitter Spambags

If no one clicked on the SPAM e-mails and if no one clicked their links and if no one bought the crap they sell, e-mail SPAM would stop. E-mail SPAMmers only continue to send e-mail SPAM because it works.

If no one followed the Spambags on Twitter and no one clicked their links, twitter spam would stop. Twitter Spambags only continue to spam twitter because it works.

Why follow Spambags? It’s time to take Twitter back to the Tweeple. But how?

Simple.  Block the fucking spambags.

If you see someone you’re following post once per minute of all hours, check their profile page and look through their tweets. If they are interlacing mindless quotes and jokes between links to their snake oil, Use the “Block and Report SPAM” feature. If enough people call a spammer on their BS, their account will be pulled, and you will have done a great public service.

It’s not hard to tell a human from a Spambag.  Follow the humans. Block the spambags. Rebel and take back twitter!

Yours Darkly,
Conrad Zero

In part one of this series on Audience Entitlement, we discovered that the author does not work for the audience.

In part two, I pointed out that the audience doesn’t have to take any crap from the author. (That’s what I’m here for. My amazing perception of the obvious.)

Now, let’s put these two parts together and find out, Will It Blend?

The Golden Rule

I listed “Honesty” and “Respect” as two things the audience can reasonably expect from an author. These are fluffy terms, and difficult to measure. In some cases, only the author knows if they are being honest or not. And there’s always some sum-bich who has to push the envelope. Who’s to say that intentionally leaving the third book out of a series couldn’t be Honestly and Respectfully done, if that’s the artist’s intention?

Plenty of gray area for us to all fight over, but the concept boils down to this:

Regarding the Audience/Author relationship, the best rule of thumb is The Golden Rule, which works in both directions. The author should respect the audience, and the audience should respect the author.

The Solution to Incomplete Series Malaise

Taking this discussion back to the original post by Neil Gaiman, the issue of audience entitlement was brought up regarding the phenomenon I titled “Incomplete Series Malaise”.

The problem summarized, is that the audience wants the next book in the series but the author isn’t working on it, or isn’t working on it as quickly as members of the audience would like.

For the author to simply say “I’m not your bitch” and leave it at that is disrespectful. The audience will say, “I’m not your bitch either,” and then see how many curses about you they can fit into a 140-character twitter post. Sadly this is where Mr. Gaiman left the matter hang, when I believe he is only half right.  I say that because the  solution to Incomplete Series Malaise comes in two parts:

If the audience respects the author, they won’t make demands.

When a member of the audience begins reading a series, they should not have any expectation of due dates or even of completion, except for what the author communicates. The audience can be as excited and enthusiastic as they want, and while they have every right to ask when the next book will be done, they have NO RIGHT to demand the next book in a series, or to get pissed off if it isn’t getting done when they’d like.

Audiences, if you can’t handle this, then don’t read a series until it’s complete. The author is not your bitch.

If the author respects his/her audience, he/she will tell them when the next book in the series is expected to be finished.

This is the part that I think Mr. Gaiman missed. True, the author does not work for the audience, but an author who does not at least have some respect for thieir audience doesn’t deserve one.

The wise author would have information about book release dates at a webpage/FAQ/blog post where excited fans can be directed. This is the official “I know, I got it, I already answered that, and you can find the official answer here…”

Authors, if you can’t handle this, then don’t write a series. Its disrespectful to the audience, and they are not your bitch.

And So On…

We can extend this simple solution out to ten-thousand other areas of the author/audience relationship. For example, social media responsiveness, web presence, the author’s right to privacy…

When I boil the whole thing down like this, it seems like the “Can’t we all just get along?” solution. And it is. You’d think we wouldn’t need this bit of common sense pointed out to us, but all it takes is one dickhead with a twitter account or an introverted author [Editor's Note: Aren't they all?] to ruin it for the rest of us.

So, when the inevitable happens, and you see authors/audiences getting into a pissing match, feel free to link them here for a dose of common sense.* And if you have any other applications for this bit of wisdom, feel free to leave a comment…

-Zero

*Except for me, naturally. Point me back to this post and I will totally fuck you up.

My step-grandmother passed away recently, and the funeral was yesterday. My step-grandfather is a member of the Ojibwe tribe in Hinkley, MN and therefore, part of the funeral ritual was conducted by a Medicine Man, which included ‘smudging’ all of us with sage, and ‘passing the pipe’.

It was a much more moving ceremony than the traditional pastor-in-the-pulpit, rambling on some jibber-jabber that sounded more like a lecture, and even more like it was written out in advance, all the blanks filled in with the appropriate names.

Instead of an hours worth of rhetoric, the medicine man told us about a dream he had regarding our dearly departed. Then he summed up the dream with a speech that was not only short, but also meaningful and memorable. I don’t think I will ever forget it, and I can quote it to you here:

Life is a like a path through the woods. The path is long, and sometimes people want to take a shortcut. But those who try to take a shortcut get lost, and have to go back, and start over. Those who take the long way get to the end first.

At the end of the path, you meet the Creator. He looks at some and says, ‘You are ready to come with me, your work here is done.’ To others he says, ‘I am leaving you behind, because you still have something here to do.’

So if you’re reading this, I guess you still have some work to do.

And I bet it’s not reading this lame-ass blog.

Blog on,
-CZ

High school reunions were invented by the ‘popular people’ from school, when popularity failed to follow them past graduation into their new career as a waitress/film-production-assistant’s-assistant/phone-sex-operator.

In order to rekindle that narccistic flame of self-importance and bask in its feeble glow every ten years, they ask you to pay money to gather in the pleasure of their company. Their charisma. Their presence. Their charismous presence. (Sorry)

It’s hard to imagine why anyone would actually pay to hang out with people who wouldn’t let you sit near them at lunch. While I never understood why people think you are interested in them simply because you were forced into the same building with them every weekday for most of your teenage years. However, I’ve managed to compile a valid list of reasons you might actually consider attending your High School Reunion:

1 – Trolling

No joke, if you are looking for the hook-up, this is the place. There are only two types of people at the High School Reunion: those who were More popular than you, and those Less popular than you. One group you have always wanted to nail, and the other group has always wanted to nail you. Bring plenty of protection, and make sure all your shots are up to date.

2 – Revenge

Remember when so-and-so stole your underwear in the Locker Room while you were in the shower? Remember when so-and-so spread all those nasty rumors about you? This is your chance to return the favor! Get their e-mail address and sign them up for a bunch of porn mail lists! Get them drunk and get a bunch of embarrassing details out of them to spread at the next reunion! Sleep with them, and never call them again! Oh yes, and definitely steal their underwear when you leave…

3 – Selling

If you’re into Amway, Mary Kay, Avon, or any Marketing-Scheme-Based business, you can’t pass up this opportunity for potential clients. This includes selling of religious ideals too, so you Jehovah’s Witnesses, Scientologists and Fire-N-Brimstone-Sermoners will have access to a new audience of potential converts.

4 – Redemption

Ah yes, let’s not forget redemption, or ‘Correcting the Sins of the Past’. So you’ve seen Flatliners one too many times, and feel the need to set things right? Well, here is your big chance! Go back and admit to so-and-so that you stole their underwear in the locker room while they were in the shower! Tell so-and-so that you started all those nasty rumors about them! Sleep with them, or buy them a drink, and get it all off your chest! Just think, all those years of being an asshole, and you can dump all that guilt  for the price of a dinner! Even the church doesn’t give you that much bang for your buck.

5 – Correction

Were you the one everyone made fun of in school? The one whose idea of a good day was finding a quiet place to sit during lunch/recess where you wouldn’t be picked on? Were you a misunderstood artiste, unfairly labeled as a ‘freak’?

Finally, you can shed the labels of the past and change the misplaced public perception of yourself! You got your braces off now, and have long since traded in your DND books for a weapon collector’s license. Rent yourself a pimped-out stretch SUV and a half-dozen female ‘escorts’, an Armani silk suit, and enough cologne to announce your arrival minutes before you actually walk into the room. Don’t forget to work on a hint of foreign accent. Ah, the looks on their faces when you bust out a Colt .44 Anaconda Custom! That will change their opinion of you right-quick! Get ready to hear, “Wow, you’ve really changed…”

6 – Show-Off

This might fall under the ‘revenge’ category in some cases and ‘correction’ category in others. But if you are doing well, there is no better place to show off your success and brag about how great you are, than to a group of people who are gathering to mentally weigh off each others success. This is the reason the popular people go, and the reason Reunions were invented in the first place.

Remember, even if you aren’t doing that well, you can still fake it…

7 – Downward Social Comparison

If you grew up to be an average person – truly average – and for some reason feel that you should’ve/could’ve/would’ve done better, you owe it to yourself to go to your Reunion, and see the whack jobs who show up there. Go and see all the people preaching/selling/trolling/brandishing firearms. Go to see the prom queen with her third husband and eight misbehaving children. Go and see the Jock who used to push you around, but who now weighs over 300 lbs and the only thing he is pushing is a chair – up to the buffet table, because ‘the plates are too damn small’. Go to remind yourself why you never talked to these people after graduation…

As you can see, there’s many reasons to attend your class reunion. None of them worked on me, but if you can think of any others that I missed, drop them in the comments below.

Blog on,
-CZ