Last night I was putting together my costume for Halloween. I used up almost two full cans of flat white spray paint, in an enclosed garage, at four in the morning. (It’s beginning to scare me how little sleep I really need.) I held my breath for about half an hour, and got a headache like I haven’t had since the last time I drank shots of Jagermeister with the Jagerettes on St. Patrick’s Day… but I digress.

Anyway, I stopped in at the local fabric store in Brooklyn Park, Harris something-or-other, and my out-of-body-experience went something like this:

“Can I help you?” An older lady behind the counter asked.

“Yeah,” I said. “I’m looking for a polyurethane-based, synthetic leather nicknamed Pleather. Have you heard of it?”

Long pause. A second woman comes over to help/eavesdrop.

“Sure.”

Another pause, and a more-than-cursory inspection, not unlike my Drill Sergeant would perform just before a formation. They probably think I’m a City Inspector or with ‘Americas Funniest Home Videos’ or something. At least, I don’t think I look like a terrorist.

“What, um, what color were you looking for?”

I now notice a third woman attempting to get as close to this conversation as possible without getting caught. She isn’t very good at it.

“White” I say, as casually as possible.

“OH!” All three ladies gasp in unison, their hands shooting to cover their mouths as thought I had suddenly contracted the Avian Flu. The third lady pretends not to be shocked (because she isn’t really listening) but she clearly catches about a quarter inch of air.

“Its over there,” the first lady says, pointing with the hand not covering her mouth.

Weird. The rest of the clientele were buying floral-print fabrics which would make the cover of Country Home Magazine puke, and they’re looking at me like I just asked to purchase several yards of Human Flesh.

Oh well, I’ll post some pix when my costume is finished…

Blog on,
-Z

There are two kinds of Rules which Society makes up for themselves to follow. Some call them Agreements, others call them Paradigms, I call them Rules, and there are two kinds: Fake Rules (Opinions, or Rules of Normalcy) and Real Rules (Laws, or Rules of Peace).

The Fake Rules are opinions, and generally have to do with what is ‘appropriate’ or ‘normal’:

• Don’t wear white after Labor Day.
• Blue is for boys and pink is for girls.
• K-Swiss is cool, Levi’s are not.
• Bumper stickers promote change.
• One religion is right and others are not.
• Any stereotype you can think of.

It’s my philosophy for a good life to prove the Fake Rules wrong by breaking as many of them as you can, as often as possible. I make fun of them, and the people who blindly belive in them. Why? Because it drives a wedge between the Fake Rules and the Real ones, and forces people to see the difference. The disapproving looks and comments I get about my appearance and actions are feedback that tell me that I do a pretty good job at it.

It goes without saying that sometimes Society has it’s collective head clearly, squarely up it’s collective ass, but not all of Society’s Rules are bad ones. There are certain Rules we have to agree upon to live together on this planet in Peace. These are the Real Rules; more easily identified when passed into Laws. These are the rules which allow us to live in cities without walls and moats around them. I’m pretty sure one of those rules is to Not Rob Families’ Homes At Gunpoint.

However, on the night of Tuesday, October 11th, sometime around midnight while I was writing up my blog post for the Nine Inch Nails show, three masked men decided to break the rules, and robbed my next-door neighbor’s home at gunpoint.  If I didn’t have the fan on in this very room at that very time, I probably would have heard them kick down the door.

I’m sure those three criminals live by a different set of rules – rules in which Peace is not the overreaching goal. One of those rules is probably “Might Makes Right”. A rule in which tying up a ten-year-old daughter, and kicking her father in the head repeatedly until he was bleeding and unconsious is OK. Then, forcing her mother to show them where all the valuables in the house are, loading up their car, and stealing that as well? That’s OK too. Why? Because they had the guns, That’s why. Because Might Makes Right.

In some seven minute period of Tuesday night, while I sat reflecting and blissfully blogging my experiences at the Nine Inch Nails concert, my neighbors went through a hell I cannot imagine, less than fifty feet away. Three people who broke the Real Rules have deeply changed not only the lives of that family, but everyone on this block. Everyone is re-evaluating their home security, inventory, insurance, and most likely, their Last Will and Testament. Everyone is contemplating what they might do in that situation, and none of us knows the answer unless it actually happens.

To those three criminals who choose to break the Rules of Peace: be warned. The Agreement works both ways, and now Society is no longer bound by those Rules when dealing with you. Society is now free to step down to your level. As a matter of fact, at this very moment, Society is gathering money and pooling it into an organization specifically designed to hunt you down and punish you. And they are good at it, they do it for a living.

Just remember, we gave you the chance to live in Peace, and you chose “Might Makes Right”. But you forgot; we are bigger than you, and we have more guns. We have professionals working round the clock to find you, prowling the streets in cars with the word ‘Police’ on the side. Might Makes Right. Are you scared? You should be.

Rule on,
-Z

Xtna and I just returned home from the gala NIN concert at Xcel Energy Center.  After washing the blood and sweat from my body (some of it my own) I am ready to give a reasonable recounting for those who have never experienced the Xcel Energy Center, Nine Inch Nails, or the “Minnesota Mosh.”

The Xcel Energy Center

of the concert at the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul. We arrived during the Queens of the Stone Age set, and had some drinks and had a chance to wander the facilities during intermission.

The Xcel is a nice venue, and after attending a concert here, you can understand why people hate the Metrodome. I thought Target Center was nice, but the Xcel is far superior. Two words; Fuh Sillities. Plenty of places to load up and unload your bladder. Clean clean clean. Fantastic sound system. Well done.

Usually I end up with seats so close to the ceiling that you get a better view by looking over the shoulder of the guy in front of you, who is using his cell phone to download blurry, lo-res pix being posted to the Interweb by some drunk guy in the twentieth row. Through some strange Ticketmaster Computer Glitch of Fate, we ended up with tickets to the main floor. Fate had nothing to do with Xtna marching us right through the crowd to front-and-center, about 15-20 rows back from the stage. I was even closer to Trent than when I visited his home in New Orleans’ French Quarter, two years ago.

Of course, this particular spot was Ground Zero when the mosh pit broke out… but I’ll get to that.

NIN

Every NIN concert I’ve attended has been awesome, and this one was no exception.

I’ve been to all NIN concerts here in MN since the Downward Spiral tour, and the crowd has changed substantially over the years. Very few in the crowd last night wore the faded black gang colors of my industrial/goth brethren. Many of them look like people you stood in line next to at Rainbow last week. Ages ran the gamut.

Trent Reznor does not talk much in concert. He does not take requests. He does not care if you mosh while he plays peaceful, minimalist movements like “Right Where It Belongs”. He does not care if you stand unmoving and transfixed, your lighter in the air during “Hurt”. He does not care if the crowd sings the chorus to “Terrible Lie” so loudly that he does not have to. He does not care if you cower in fear for your life while the crowd becomes blissfully suicidal during the encore, “Bite The Hand That Feeds”.

He does not care, nor has he mellowed with age. The man is pissed off and willing to share – take it or leave it. His anger is still contagious and therapeutic. This is church for myself and many others. Hallelujah.

The Minnesota Mosh

It didn’t take long before the mosh pit opened up all around Xtna and me. So we got two shows for the price of one, and I can’t say which was more  entertaining. It was fun to watch a angry moshing group try to hold the slam dance together when Trent shifts to his more ambient, passive movements.

But I did observe enough to learn a bit about the Minnesota Mosh, and identified several helpful rules if you are at a Lutheran Potluck and a Mosh breaks out.

Rules for the Minnesota Mosh:

1. The people not wearing shirts (usually male) are Professionals. Watch them, they know what they are doing, and tend to enforce the rules.
2. The Circle usually spins widdershins (anti-clockwise).
3. It is OK to run full-tilt-out-of-control straight into another person, but punching or kicking them is frowned upon.
4. If you knock anyone over, help them back up.
5. If anyone passes out or gets knocked out, (or if you don’t really like them), ‘put them up’ which means to raise them up so the crowd gets them body surfing, then Security will quickly haul them out, as body surfing is not allowed.
6. If you find yourself at the edge of the moshpit, but don’t want to join in, you have three options. First, you can move someplace else. Second, you can avoid eye contact and hold your ground (having your elbow directed firmly toward the moshpit helps.) This will minimize the number of people who run into you. Third, you can watch the pit and actively push bodies that get near you back into the pit. This will increase the number of people who run into you.

Blog on,
-CZ

Since I previously announced my kingship, I’ve given careful thought to the general direction in which this country is heading. In my continuing struggle to make America a better place, here are some more commandments which go into effect immediately:

Regarding the War on Porn

Im sure you have all read the news about The War on Porn, but fear not. The War is over.

Porn is not a problem, American attitudes are a problem. Europeans have had topless advertisements forever, but Janet Jackson whips out a mammary at the Super Bowl, and Americans have a fucking Grand Mal. NO MORE!

I am hereby disbanding the FCC, the RIAA and whatever ridiculous task force the government might have put together to waste taxpayer money, and save us from bestiality videos. If someone wants to videotape themselves being tied up, stripped and whipped, and post it to their website, then they have the right to do so. If people would like to volunteer their free time to putting together a list of websites you shouldn’t look at, they have the right to do so. If you would like to take their advice, you have the right to do so.

The National Anthem

The National Anthem has now been changed to Nirvana’s Nevermind. The entire album.

Regarding the Flooding in New Orleans

Two items of note:

1. New Orleans is right next to An Amazingly Large Body Of Water.
2. New Orleans is Lower In Altitude Than the Amazingly Large Body Of Water.  (See note 1.)

Do the Math.

Therefore, what was formerly known as ‘New Orleans’ is now officially called ‘New Orleans Bay’, and instead of wasting resources on restoration so this catastrophe can repeat in a decade or two, the efforts will be spent on relocating the people and businesses to places Above Sea Level.

A Warning to California

Californians should take note of the predicament in New Orleans, and when the SanAndreas Fault breaks, and California slides off into the ocean, I promise we will not build a wall around you and pump the water out like New Orleans.

Regarding the Military

All overseas military are to be returned home, where they can serve and protect their country. All foreign ops will be performed by spies sent out to foreign countries. Any country which acts against the US will be converted into a giant, radioactive parking lot. No joke.

One-World Currency

United States currency will switch over to the Euro, along with a solemn apology for dumping all that tea in the ocean years ago. Lets let bygones be bygones, and work towards One World Currency.

Regarding the Buick Corporation

The owner of the Buick Corporation will immediately be burned at the stake for using the Aerosmith song ‘Dream On’ in a car commercial. Just because there is no more RIAA, doesnt mean we take timeless classics and debase them by using them to sell mediocre cars.

Plenty more commandments to come…

Conrad Zero, King of the United States

I’ve decided that the “Republicrat” system of government we currently have in place is not working. Republicans and Democrats have had their chance to fix things, and they’ve both proven themselves incapable of acting reasonably, rationally or amicably with each other.

Therefore, I have declared myself as King of the United States. My first acts as King are as follows:

• The Metric System. Right Fucking Now.
• Tom Green, Adam Sandler and Howard Stern are to be Stoned to Death for crimes against comedy.
• Bruce Springsteen can choose between Exile and being Stoned to Death. (Why? ‘The Rising’ is an unforgivable cash-in on the 9-11 tragedy. Nice try, Jerk. Get the hell out of my country.)
• George Lucas is hereby ordered to retract the Star Wars episodes I, II, and III, and refund all the money paid to moviegoers. He is then given one year per episode to remake them. If the remakes suck as bad as his first attempts, he will be Stoned to Death for crimes against humanity. If there is any mention of ‘midoclorians’ he will be Burned at the Stake.
• No More “Life in Prison”. The current justice system is not an effective deterrent to crime. Instead of being sentenced to life in prison, guilty parties will be Burned to Death in the town square. This will be televised and free for public viewing (Rating PG-13)
• No More Traditional Prisons. Those who cannot abide by the laws laid down by the King will work on self-sufficient farms, providing services for the community; farming, cleaning, recycling, and maintenance of roadways and public areas.
• No More Traditional Courtrooms. Since you Americans like your “reality TV” so much, all trials will be moved to live television, and the audience can vote for justice via phone or internet. It is every person’s moral obligation to vote on these issues. One vote per person.
• There is no longer an expectation of privacy in public areas. All people will have a RFID/GPS chip attached to their brains at birth, so the government can know where you are at all times. Cameras will be mounted at every corner. Your every move will be recorded.
• No person can own more than one billion dollars worth of assets, cash, stocks, etc. The very idea is ridiculous. Anything above and beyond this margin will go to a fund, managed by the King.
• The King will have a secret group of Smokin-Hot Female Ninja Assassins to make sure these laws are enforced.

These are just off the top of my head. I’ll think up more as I go along.

Rule on,
-C

The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Mulder and Scully were right! The truth was out there!

The world was, in fact, created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster also known as FSM. Too much to laugh about here, you have to check out the book or the website for more astounding revelations like this one:

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s.

The author requests, nay Demands that the FSM theory be taught in schools alongside the the other popular creation theories.

You know when Wikipedia lists it, it’s gospel.

Here is a link to the game (Warning: Popups)

Blog on,
-CZ

In the initial excitement of podcasting, many podcasters have the misconceived notion of a podcast format as an hour long production, as though they were a syndicated radio talk show. There aren’t many reasons that a podcast post should be longer than a Blog post. Would you subscribe to a Blog that posted hours worth of reading material? Every day?

NEWS FLASH: PODCASTED AUDIO IS NOT FREE TO THE SUBSCRIBER! It takes bandwidth to download, MB to store, and most importantly – time to listen.

Think about it in terms of blog posts. Blog postings over a full page are LONG… Podcasts longer than a voicemail message are LONG. Podcasts over 10 minutes are REALLY LONG, and require people to schedule the listening into their free time somewhere. More than a half-hour per day is nearly insane. Would you read a single blog post that took a half hour to read? Every day?

The longer the post, the less likely it is that people will make time to hear it. Podcasting is not a Downloadable Radio Talk Show.  With this in mind, I offer podcasters this sage advice to reduce the length of your podcasts, and increase your number of subscribers:

BREAK IT DOWN:

Break your recording into sections and label them like Blog posts so people can pick and choose what they listen to, as well as skip to the next post without having to listen to the entire thing. Think of how music CDs work – instead of releasing an entire CD as a single post (like Jethro Tull’s ‘Thick as a Brick’), release each track separately (like Jagged Spiral’s ‘Days From Evil‘).

Instead of releasing an Hour-long talk show, release each topic within the show as a separate 5-10 min post (Are you listening Engadget? Dave Slusher?)

COMMERCIALS AND MUSIC BREAKS:

Honestly. Who do you think you are putting commercials and music breaks in your podcast? Unless the purpose of the blog post is to review the music or product, there’s no need to break up your technology post or book review podcast with your “kewl tunez”.  Yes, people can FF past them if they want, but that’s not the point. If people subscribe to your podcast for information, then inform them. If they subscribe to your podcast for entertainment, then entertain them. If they wanted to hear music, they’d get it from i-tunes.

EDIT:

HEY! I’m a geek with a microphone! Here me stumble over my lines like my first day in Theater class and say “Ummmm…” and “Ahhhhhh…”!!! How Unprofessional! And it’s reaching the Entire Blogosphere! Hehehe…

No one expects podcasts to be professional; it’s part of the geeky, quirky, kitchiness of the medium that makes it interesting. So editing mistakes out isn’t necessary, but it will make you sound more professional.

Editing for content is another matter. If you drift off topic for too long, or experience technical problems, you owe it to your audience to cut that crap right straight out. If you are tech savvy enough to do a podcast, you can also cut up or re-record your audio before posting it. Unless people are tuning in just to hear you talk, you shouldn’t ramble. If you drift off-topic, edit.

WASTING TIME:

Please don’t do this.

A prime example of wasting your listener’s time is Adam Curry’s 1-7-05 “Daily Source Code” post, [Jan 2010 Update: This particular podcast was pulled from Adam Curry's site.] weighing in at just over 43min long. After 4 min into the podcast, he still had not started yet! He rambles disjointedly about how the previous recording didn’t work, and how he bought a coconut, and how good the coconut tastes, and how a coconut makes an unwieldy drinking container, and that the ceiling fan in his hotel room is noisy, and he actually turns it on for you to prove it, and he did actually BLOW HIS NOSE, which just wastes the listeners time and makes him come off as an arrogant douchebag who just likes to hear his own voice, and thinks you are fascinated enough with his life to want to hear the sounds he makes in the bathroom.

I am picking on Adam Curry because he should know better, given his background, and self-proclaimed evangelist in the field of podcasting. He should be setting the standard. Drifting off-topic for a moment is OK and fun and sometimes funny, but pissing away the first 4 min of a 45 min post is rude to the listener. Expect them to do what I did: Unsubscribe. Worse, if the majority of podcasts behave this way, the entire technology will not see the adoption rate I’m sure we would all like.

Mike Lehman’s ‘Manic Minute‘ is a bit extreme in the other direction, giving the current news of the day in only 60 seconds, but it’s obvious that Mike realizes that his listener’s time is valuable, and he doesn’t dare piss it away like Adam Curry. Something between these two extremes better suits the medium.

THE FUTURE OF PODCASTING:

Podcasting is still a fledgling area, one with great potential. It also has the great potential to suck if everyone blathers for an hour a day. Look at it this way; let’s pretend the average podcast listener only has one hour per day to listen to podcasts. Are they going to listen to your shitty, hour-long ranting and time-wasting? Or are they going to subscribe to a handful of short, informative and entertaining podcasts?

Think about it. Cut your podcasts down, work less, and get a bigger audience. Once you have 10,000 subscribers who can’t get enough of your voice, then you can quit your day job, hire a staff of writers, and then you can post an hour a day podcast.

Conrad Zero
www.conradzero.com
zero@conradzero.com

PS: On a side note, I would just like to say that I hate the term “podcasting” more than anyone, but even I realize it’s too late to change it now. Just let it go. As bad as it is, I can’t image a term for anything worse than “Blog”, which is one of the sounds a toilet makes, and no one seems to mind that….

Historically, the day after Thanksgiving is known as “Black Friday.” It is also the biggest shopping day of the year. The people who put together the “Buy Nothing Day” campaign are upset with the Zombie Consumerism Mentality they see peak at this time of year, the endless marketing hype, and the endless lines of consumers (re)acting like mindless automata.

Sadly, no one told the folks at BuyNothingDay that this is what you get when you mix Free Market + Americans. I could sell freeze-dried shit on E-Bay and some fool would buy it. And if I mixed it with carbonated water, a pound of sugar, a little Emo/Rap/Hip/Pop sound, a catchy name (Poopsie? Croak? ShittyPop?) some cool marketing catch phrases (Stick it to the MAN! Drink who you ARE! Drink ShittyPop!), and showed a teenage midriff or two, PEOPLE WOULD LINE UP FOR IT!

You are here. Deal.

While I agree it makes one want to revoke your American citizenship , taking it out on the retailers is NOT the solution. It doesn’t work.

Their suggestion to walk around the stores clogging the isles dressed as Zombies is hysterical, but the practice of buying a bunch of stuff and then returning it immediately over and over is misdirected and wrong. They should know by now that those kinds of tactics only rebound to hurt everybody EXCEPT those whom they are intended for.

If you are upset that the Consumerist Zombies buy everything from WalMart because it’s cheaper, there are things you can do other than impeding their freedom to make an uninformed decision. If you can’t think of any, then you are a different kind of Zombie, and no better than the consumerist ones…

Blog on,
-Z

Lemmy (Need I even mention his last name? Do you know anyone else named Lemmy?) Speaks out about the US presidential election.

From the article on suicidegirls.com,

They are all the same anyway. All politicians are bastards anyway — every one of them. It doesn’t matter who you vote for you’ll always have a s*** government. All they are after is themselves and their pockets. They are all lying, cheating bastards

I couldn’t agree more. I voted today, and I can happily tell you I did not vote for any Republicans, Democrats or Ralph Naders.

I voted for Cthulhu, “Why vote for the lesser evil?”

Vote on,
-Z

Need some extra cash? Freelancesecurity.com lists opportunities for private investigators and freelancers. Bid on a job providing protection to people travelling to Bangladesh! Follow someone’s husband around to see if he is cheating! Investigate cases of identity fraud! Assassinate Foreign Dignitaries!

Hell, I’d do this stuff for free!

I think this could become the preferred method for dealing justice. Think about it; if you aren’t satisfied with the public school system, you pay for a private school. If you aren’t happy with the public library, you go to your local bookstore. If you aren’t happy with the public judicial system, you pay a private party.

Well, gotta go pack my bags. I leave for Bangladesh in the morning…

Lock and Load,
-Z