…Nor did I meet her at the now infamous hangout, which I won’t mention here, or people will start asking me to give tours.

I am tired of people asking though.

Coworker: “Hey Conrad, I hear Diablo Cody wrote the screenplay for Juno at [undisclosed location near my house]! That’s right near your house, right?”

Me: Sigh. “Yeah.”

Coworker: “Did you ever see her?”

Me: “Oh, all the time.”

Coworker: “Really?

Me: “Yeah, at The Skyway Lounge…”

What bothers me is that people aren’t able to separate “Diablo Cody, The Screenwriter” from “Diablo Cody, The Former Stripper From Minnesota Who Hung Out At [undisclosed location near my house]“.

It’s like people are having a hard time realizing that any talent could come from Minnesota. It’s like saying she’s from Atlantis or something. She’s originally from Chicago anyways, not that it matters. I hope for her sake that she’s able to break away from her own history, and the rest of the world can realize that there are talented people in every state, in every occupation. I suppose this *would* be news to Hollywood.

I also can’t help but to think that the media coverage of Diablo Cody is designed to get a bunch of Would-Be Screenwriters down to Hollywood to flush out all those Whining Screenwriters who dared to go on strike. Nothing against Diablo Cody, she’s talented and deserves credit, but it does seem strange, the timing of it.

It’s like Hollywood saying, “Who needs You! We can pick a Former Stripper From….(looks at map of U.S.)… Minnesota who can writer better than you! So there!”

For the record; if Minneapolis becomes the new Hollywood, I’m moving to Atlantis.

Art Is Resistance
-Zero

“You look like Bono.”

I stammered. “Um, come again?”

“Spitting image, I swear. You must hear it all the time.”

I handed Jim Walsh my purchase, not thirty seconds old. It was the book he had just released: “The Replacements – All Over But The Shouting“.

Revolver Modele had just finished up their set, and a giant projection screen descended from the ceiling, separating the First Ave stage from the audience. Minutes ago, I watched Jim Walsh onstage, pouring his drink all over the Revolver Modele’s guitar player, and pushing him to the floor as he played. Jim even jumped on the mic for a verse or two. He wisely left the bass player alone.

The screen lit up with giant, glowing Tom and Jerry cartoons, as ‘One For The Team’ began setting up to perform the next set of Replacements covers.

Jim opened the book and paused, pen in hand, clearly drunk, off alcohol or the event or both, and clearly having the time of his life.

“Conrad Zero,” I said, holding my right hand up in what I hoped conveyed a manual representation of a ‘zero’ but possibly also could have been interpreted as jacking off.

He started scribbling my name down in the book.

“Never heard that before?” he asked.

“I guess I’ve never seen Bono without sunglasses on,” I responded, and suddenly wanted to talk about something else. “I tried to make it out to your book reading at Treehouse…,” I started, in an attempt to change the subject.

“Oh, what good are book readings?” Jim interrupted with a laugh. “I mean you read the book to people. What is that? People can read it themselves, right?”

“Yeah,” I laughed, “…and you had said that the reading was on the Wednesday *before* Thanksgiving, but…”

“Hey,” Jim said, turning to one of the ladies at the nearby booth for ‘The Onion’. “Doesn’t this guy look like Bono?”

She nodded her disapproval.

“No,” I said. “Usually it’s Sean Bean. People always say I look like Boromir.”

Jim started laughing, and had to pause in the middle of signing.

“Sorry,” he laughed, “I don’t want to screw up your book.”

“It’s not my book,” I corrected. “It’s yours.” This just made him laugh more.

“No,” he said, finishing the dedication and handing it over, “it’s your book now. I hope you enjoy it.”

“Um, thanks.”

‘One for the Team’ got a great set of Replacements songs (Skyway among them), and did a fine job with them. I left shortly afterward, book clutched in my December-chilled-and-chaffed hands, went home, and looked up Bono on the internet.

Review to come….

Art Is Resistance
-Zero

The name Jim Walsh is nearly-famous here in flyover land, as was the band he writes about in his new book, “The Replacements: All Over But The Shouting“. The book release party is coming up, one week from today. (See details below) I’ve mentioned this gig before, but it is worth mentioning again.

As a musician, your art will be referenced to where you make it, and I suspect that if the Replacements had been birthed in California, they wouldn’t have made a single wave, but to flaunt that kind of arrogance and energy *here* in Flyover Land? It’s all about being in the right place at the right time, and the Replacements certainly were.

For those of us who “missed out” on the heyday of the Replacements Era, Jim Walsh lived through it, and kindly provides us a look back into what was happening at the time. His unauthorized documentary on the band, “The Replacements: All Over But The Shouting” was just released on 15 Nov 2007. I haven’t read it yet, and in fact, I meant to go to the Treehouse Records reading/signing tonight, but I discovered that what Jim Walsh meant by “The Wednesday before Thanksgiving” was actually “The Wednesday BEFORE the Wednesday before Thanksgiving” In other words…I missed it. But I fully intend to pick it up at the release party, and I’m really looking forward to some cool bands like Revolver Modele covering a bit of Replacements material for us. (I bet the bands all will fight over who gets to play “Bastards of Young“…)

Book Release Party for “The Replacements: All Over But The Shouting”

Wednesday, November 28
First Avenue Mainroom & The 7th Street Entry 7:00 PM / 18+
89.3 THE CURRENT PRESENTS…
JIM WALSH’S THE REPLACEMENTS:
“ALL OVER BUT THE SHOUTING”
BOOK RELEASE PARTY FEATURING

THE ALARMISTS, BIRTHDAY SUITS, THE EVENING RIG, THE FALLS, THE HONEYDOGS, JEREMY MESSERSMITH, KRUDDLER, THE MAMMYS, MARTIN DEVANEY, ONE FOR THE TEAM with DAVE CAMPBELL, RED FLAGS, REVOLVER MODELE , TERRY WALSH, and TODD NEWMAN
$6.00 advance / $8.00 door

Art Is Resistance
-Zero

I love Neil Gaiman.

I mean in a *manly* sort of way…you know, like the movie “300.”  Like, “Dude! You’re an author, and I’m almost an author… I mean, we both write right? Let’s go Man Up and run half-nekked across the moors with swords drawn,  and cut down enemy forces outnumbering us one-hundred-and-fifty to one! See those three-hundred Spartans over there with their tiny little abs, HA! Dare they pit their ten or twelve tiny chicklet abs against my giant one? Why settle for a 6-pack when you can have a pony keg!”

Then Neil and I could open a can of Whoop-Ass, clean up, do lunch, and talk about writing. We’d be sure to sit on opposite sides of the table though. Manly, like I said.

Anyway, I’m reading Neil Gaiman’s ‘Fragile Things’ right now. It’s quite good. I’m on page 3. I’ll let you know when I have enough info to augment my opinion.

But I did read Good Omens long ago. Great book. Very funny. If you enjoy a ‘dry as a funeral drum’ sense of humor not too dissimilar from Douglas Adams, then you will like it. I have somehow managed to avoid reading the Sandman series; I keep meaning to stop over at Dreamhaven Books and pick up a copy of Ultimate Sandman when Neil is visiting there and tell him how much I love the first three pages of his new book, but our schedules don’t seem to mesh.

How can you Not like Neil Gaiman? He’s a famous author who doesn’t act famous. He answers his fan mail. And he has a cool accent.

He links to cool things like this.

And this.

Meanwhile, I just rip him off, and post the cool links here.

Neil also has enough fan mail to run his entire blog just off simply responding to them. I do get some questions from fans, but they don’t seem very blog-worthy. Here is an example:

Dear Zero,

I just read the synopsis of your upcoming book, “The Demonslayer’s Handbook“. What the hell is wrong with you?

Signed,
Disturbed

See what I mean? Anyone who reads my blog should know that I don’t like Disturbed. Their cover of Genesis’s’ “Land of Confusion” was pretty good though.

But Neil Gaiman gets the Ubercool Seal of Approval in my book.

Blog on,
-CZ

Disturbing News

I was  going to write Dan Brown a scathing e-mail, with all kinds of nasty language and accusations of plagiarism.

Four persons murdered around a city in a pattern.

Wow, that’s not new. I’m sure that’s been done before, and I’ve seen a map of a pentagram drawn over cities so often in movies that I actually make fun of it in my book.

…by a secret religious cult…

Again, nothing new. Matter of fact, they are the ones most likely to bother murdering people in a pattern around a city, right?

…each of the murder victims is marked with a symbol…

Well of course they are marked with a symbol, they are dedicated to some greater cause. Of course the bodies are marked. Goes without saying….

…representing the four elements of air, earth, fire, and water.

Um, wow. That’s cutting it kind of close. I mean…wow.

OK, so it’s at this point that I start the e-mail to Dan Brown, that is so flaming hot I have to turn on the air conditioning. I’m on the verge of throwing inanimate objects. I’m looking up Mr. Brown’s address, and saving for a plane ticket. I have been working on The Demonslayers Handbook for TWO FUCKING YEARS, and how dare he swipe a major plot point from my work….

…except for one thing. Dan Brown’s “Angels and Demons” was published in 2000, and I started on The Demonslayers Handbook in 2004.

Great. So two years of work just got fucked because Mr. Brown had the idea four years earlier. Who will possibly believe that I came up this plot concept on my own?

No one.

This has suddenly become one of the saddest days of my life.

Curse You, Dan Brown. I know it’s not your fault, but Curse You anyways…

Sincerely,
-Conrad Zero

Mr. J. A. Konrath,

I just read your entire ‘tips’ series on your site http://www.jakonrath.com/tips.html (including the video). Very informative and entertaining. This should be required reading for anyone considering a career in writing.

Thank you. Sincerely, thank you for sharing your experience, and for the sheer volume of useful, real-world information about writing and the publishing industry. Based on what I have learned, I’ve decided to burn my own book before it is even finished (I will have to print it out first), and as a replacement, take up Everquest 2 as my life’s pursuit.

I will also pick up copies of all your books, as payment in kind for the sage advice on my career path. It was well worth it.

A Future Fan, and Former Almost-Writer,
~Conrad Zero
conradzero@gmail.com
www.conradzero.com