Review Disclaimer

A few disclaimers about this review before I get started:

• I know Joel Arnold personally. He is a fellow member of the Minnesota Speculative Fiction Writer’s Group.
• I purchased Northwoods Deep from Joel directly.
• I do not owe Joel money from an old gambling debt involving Jagermeister, a Trampoline and a Super-Soaker. No matter what he says.
• I was not compensated for this review. (But I do get some love if you follow my links to Amazon, which helps offset my webhosting fees and various addictions which may involve Jagermeister, Trampolines, and Super-Soakers…)

File Under Horror

With that out of the way, I can tell you it’s been a while since I’ve read real Horror like this. It was refreshing to read something that was not chilling, dark, or edgy, but actually horrifying.

If Twilight read Northwoods Deep, it would die of fright.

Cabin-in-the-woods stories seem to have faded in popularity over the years. Even Jason Voorhees eventually left his cabin and traveled to outer space. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t plenty of room here to play. Joss Whedon’s The Cabin In The Woods is one example. Joel Arnold’s Northwoods Deep is another.

Carol and Brenda Gunderson embark on a canoe trip on the Mesaba River. When their canoe capsizes, they discover a cabin in the woods occupied by an old man hiding a terrible secret. Based on a mix of Native American folklore and the Grimm Brother’s Hansel & Gretel, Northwoods Deep will take you on a wild ride over the river and through the woods, straight into terror. http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11805438-northwoods-deep?ac=1

The cover shows a close-up of a cabin window, and inside is a pile of human skulls that must be at least waist-deep. Far from just symbolic, it is actually pretty close to the truth. Consider it accurate foreshadowing. Rustic setting. Cabin in the woods. Lots of bones…

Northwoods Deep is an all-you-can-read buffet of horror: Bugs, dead bodies, spousal abuse, murder, rape, bestiality, torture, bondage, stalking, alcoholism, ghosts, nightmares, dark family secrets, and my personal least-favorite, the claustrophobic feeling of being buried alive…

But the underlying supernatural horror is the cherry on top of the horror sundae called Northwoods Deep. I won’t give too much away by saying that if you aren’t digging the start of the book, hang in there. Like Stephen King’s writings, Northwoods Deep slides slowly from a real-world scenario into a supernatural horror-fest.

Joel’s writing is clean and crisp. He delivers just the right level of detail. He knows how much to show, and just as importantly, what to leave out. This is crucial for good horror stories. The author has to leave enough space for your mind to fill in the blanks, and this is done well in Northwoods Deep.

Pacing is smooth for the most part. Joel doesn’t let you rest for long before unleashing some new horror on you, or showing you things from a different and more horrifying perspective. As you would expect, the ending of the book becomes a page-turner as the plotlines come together to climax. The epilogue gives one of the characters a disturbing resolution, but otherwise, there was no ante-climax.  I would have liked to see how the surviving characters had changed (or not) after their ordeal. Perhaps in the sequel…?

Joel’s description is very good, especially when describing locations. I’m extremely familiar with cabins, camping, and canoeing in Northern Minnesota where most of Northwoods Deep takes place. So I can vouch that Joel paints an accurate picture of the setting. He brings out elements of the area that most people would take for granted. I know the setting will be interesting for those who’ve never left the city.

Characters are good, although I wish the protagonist Carol was tougher. She puts up a half-hearted front and makes a couple brave decisions, but in the end I felt she was a weak hero, constantly fretting and relying too much on others to bail her out of trouble. Then again, I generally enjoy reading about Kick Ass Heroines, so others might find the character more real and easy to relate with.

The evil in Northwoods Deep is scattered at first. In fact, the number of antagonists might exceed the number of protagonists. I lost count. But the danger ratchets up well through the story and consolidates via some clever plot twists.

There are many character points-of-view (POVs) in this story.  The POV shifted around more often than I prefer, but we get LOTS of insight into the mind of the antagonists, and those sections I thought were the most terrifying of all.

Northwoods Deep – Executive Summary Review

Northwoods Deep by Joel Arnold combines Native American folklore with Hansel and Gretel, and applies layers of both physical and psychological horrors from many different perspectives.

The story follows Carol Gunderson as she joins her sister on a canoe trip in Northern Minnesota. Carol just wants to unwind and forget about her abusive, stalking, ex-husband. But a powerful and ancient evil in a secluded cabin has other plans, and Carol’s trip descends into supernatural terror.

Despite containing scenes of torture, rape, and bestiality, the writing cleverly manages to avoid being graphic. There is plenty of space for your own mind to fill in the gory details. This story is definitely not for the immature or squeamish.

No matter what pushes your panic button, I guarantee there is something in Northwoods Deep to frighten you.

• Northwoods Deep on Amazon (affiliate link – thanks for your support!)
• Joel Arnold’s Amazon Author Page
• Joel Arnold on Google Plus
• Joel Arnold on Goodreads
• Joel Arnold on Facebook

If anyone ever asked me how I got started writing, I’d tell them, “Well, I had this idea for a story, and I decided to write it.” That first part is easy. The second part, not so much. Lots of people have great ideas, but they don’t decide to…you know, like Nike says – Just Do It.

Adam Shepard…

…has great ideas. For example:

“I am going to start – almost literally from scratch – with one 8′ x 10′ tarp, a sleeping bag, an empty gym bag, $25, and the clothes on my back. Via train, I will be dropped at a random place somewhere in the southeastern United States that is not in my home state of North Carolina. I have 365 days to become free of the realities of homelessness and become a “regular” member of society.”

-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scratch_Beginnings

Not only is this an interesting idea, Adam actually decided to do it. He followed through, achieved his goal, and learned much along the way, which he documented in a book called Scratch Beginnings. The book was a huge success, gaining him critical acclaim.

In 2009 Alan had another great idea. To save up for two years, then travel around the world for an entire year.

Once again, he didn’t just have a great idea, he decided to follow through. Alan visited 17 countries on 4 continents between 2011 and 2012. He documented his experience in a book called One Year Lived.

One Year Lived…

…is a stream-of-consciousness, nearly-fictional, but very Real account of Adam Shepard’s year spent travelling the planet.  Watching sunsets. Getting robbed. Fighting bulls. Bungee-jumping off a bridge. Meeting people, but most importantly, Living.

He details his travels with clear and witty prose. The tone is casual and friendly, as if he were telling you the story while you were sitting next to him on a beach sipping a Mojito. Needless to say, One Year Lived is a quick and easy read.

Lots of people have the great idea to go travelling. You know…. study abroad, hitch-hike across Europe, stay at youth hostels… the combination of adventure and hazing ritual that is endlessly romanticized (mostly by parents of college-age kids who wish they’d actually done it themselves.)

Lots of people talk of this great idea to travel and “find themselves.” But Adam actually decided to do it. He says his goal wasn’t to find himself, and he wasn’t unhappy with his life. Alan believes in travel as a means of enrichment and personal growth:

“People need to travel more, not only because it is satisfying and fun and inspires purpose and provides service to a world that needs it and sparks creativity, but because we need to open up our eyes to what is really going on out there…

There’s only so much you can learn in the classroom. Sometimes you have to get out there to experience it, to touch it, to feel it, to see it for yourself…”

Writers need experience to draw from, and there’s no replacement for first-hand experiences like these:

• Riding an elephant in Thailand
• Experiencing a sunrise from a mountaintop in Guatemala
• Hugging a koala in Australia
• Bungee jumping off a bridge in Slovakia
• Fighting a bull in Nicaragua.

Alan does all of this and much more, and you can read all about it in One Year Lived. Alan’s hope is that after reading One Year Lived, you’ll be motivated to get out there and expand your culture, enrich your sense of diversity, find yourself.

In fact, Alan wants this enough that he’s willing to give his book to you for free:

Get A Free E-Book Of One Year Lived!

Adam Shepard has graciously offered to give away free copies of the e-book version of One Year Lived to fans of conradzero.com. Here’s how it works:

1. Share this blog post review of One Year Lived by Alan Shepard on the social media of your choice (blog, google+,  facebook, twitter, etc…) 
2. Email me that you did – zero at conradzero dot com

That’s it. You share a link to this post, let me know, and I’ll reply email you instructions on how to download One Year Lived in one of several different e-book formats. Cut/paste the link or look for the buttons at the top and bottom of this post to help you share to most popular social media sites.

Obviously, Alan can’t give copies of his book away forever, or he’ll never sell any! So at the risk of sounding like an infomercial, I’ll warn you that this is a limited time offer. Get your shares in by Noon on  Sunday, April 21st.  After that, we have to pull the plug.

Get A Free Signed Paperback Of One Year Lived!

Everyone who helps share this blog post is also entered in a drawing for the physical book, signed by Adam Shepard himself. I’ll pick a winner at random and notify by email. The paperbook version of One Year Lived will be released on Monday, April 22nd.

I hope you enjoy One Year Lived. I know it will inspire you with grand ideas. But remember, that’s the easy part.

The hard part is deciding to just do it.

• One Year Lived Website
• One Year Lived on Amazon (affiliate link)

Yours Darkly,

Conrad Zero

Last Saturday I attended the 2013 Bloomington Writers Festival and Book Fair along with fellow Minnesota Speculative Fiction Writers Group members: Terry Faust, Michael Merriam, Jason D Wittman and Joel Arnold.

We attended the writers festival last year, and we learned that this is not a large event, nor an awesome event for sales of spec fic. “Low maintenance, Low payoff,” is how I reported it to the other MNSpec group organizers. We decided to get a table anyway, and use this event as a practice for developing our marketing/promotional clout for larger events coming this summer.

Some numbers:

• 408 – Registered MNSpec members
• 22 – MNSpec members who RSVPed for the event
• 8 – MNSpec members who actually attended the event, (which includes the 5 members who took turns working the table)
• 3 – Number of books sold
• 1 – Number of MNSpec member facebook/g+/blog posts for this event

That one MNspec member’s promotion for the event? I wrote it. Really thought there would be more promotion than that, but I couldn’t find anything. Please link up any posts that I missed in the comments below.

You Get What You Give

Our book sales were the same as the previous year… you know, back when we didn’t push the promotion quite as hard. LOL. Some might consider the sales numbers a failure, but there’s more to festivals than sales. For example, this event isn’t too bad for networking and promotion. If you have something free to hand out, you’d better bring lots of it. While working the MNSpec table, I gave away many of the writers group info bookmarks that Terry Faust made for us, as well as a lot of my own business cards. Jason D Wittman could hardly keep the table stocked with his very, very, very small (and free) books.

As I wandered through the author and vendor tables, I paid close attention to what tricks authors used to draw attention and what giveaway/bribes they resorted to. Some authors sat at their table playing with their phones while their books gathered dust, while others engaged the crowd. Making eye contact. Drawing people in. Explaining why you would really enjoy their 700-page, unspellchecked, unproofread memoir. I met and talked with many cool and talented Minnesota artists. A special shout out to the following folks for being super-awesome:

• Kristen K Brown – Queen of Stress Relief, and astonishingly positive author of The Happy Hour Effect: 12 Secrets to Minimize Stress and Maximize Life
• Dari McDonald - of Bookmen Media Group, providing Publicity, Promotion, Production and other Publishing needs
• Aimee Kuzenski- Local fiction author whose debut novel “Prisoner of War” will be released soon, and who apparently beats on things with eskrima sticks, so hater-critics beware!
• Lisa Olson – Graphic Designer from Fat Cat Art Studio
• Sybil Smith and Sherry Roberts from the Midwest Independent Publishers Association

I loaded up on free things myself, and came home with a slew of business cards, fliers and adverts.  Then I sifted through them all and did some virtual stalking. The results were interesting. Imagine authors without their own website… Imagine social media “experts” without a presence on google plus…  Imagine thanking people via email and having the email bounce back undeliverable!

All in all I had fun, and met lots of cool local artists. Business cards and handshakes are not my weapons of choice, but I made over a dozen new contacts through the event, and I didn’t get them by sitting in the corner playing with my phone. “Low Maintenance, Low Payoff” is quite different than “No Maintenance, No Payoff.”

This Saturday, 23 March 2013, myself and many other authors from the Minnesota Speculative Fiction Writers Group are attending the Bloomington Writers Festival and Book Fair. We’ll be celebrating stories, the authors who write them, and the readers who enjoy them.

This event is FREE and open to the public, although the seminars and workshops require registration. There will be plenty of freebees handed out. You’ll be able to buy books directly from the authors and have them signed.

See below for more details. I hope to see you there!

Bloomington Writers Festival and Book Fair

10th Annual Celebration of the Arts

March 22-23, 2013

Bloomington Center for the Arts
1800 W Old Shakopee Rd
Bloomington, MN

Friday, March 22 - Master Class with a Master Teacher, Tom Hegg

This four hour workshop is an intense study in creativity and developing authenticity in the written word. Hegg teaches you how to give depth to characters, how to keep their actions and reactions real, and their situations true. $100. Registration deadline, Monday, March 18.

 Saturday, March 23 – Book Fair

9:30 am Keynote Tom Hegg, author of A Cup of Christmas Tea and the children’s book classic series, Peef the Bear. $15

10:30 am – 3:30 am Book Fair and Author Readings, Free and Open to the Public

11:00 am – 5:00 pm Workshops $13

• Getting Started Series includes workshops to stimulate your creativity, personal writing, writing other activities to help you find focus, overcoming writing resistance and writers block and more.
• Telling Your Story Series includes workshops on writing memoirs, turning your journals into stories, writing for children and more.
• Publishing Series includes panels and workshops on preparing your manuscripts, editing options, legal issues and publishing options.
• Marketing and Publicity Series includes workshops that help you get the word out about your book, including preparation of press kits, news releases, use of social media, platform development.
• Arts and Writing Series include workshops on cover design and writing lyrics.

Register early to ensure a spot in the workshop of your choice at www.BTACMN.org or 952-563-8575. Click on arts education or the link under upcoming events for a listing of the workshops and lunch selections.

Lunch orders deadline is Wednesday, March 20, at Midnight.

This program is supported by the Bloomington Theatre and Art Center. www.BTACMN.org

No seriously. My voice will be riding the radio waves this Sunday!

Sunday, March 3rd, 2013 at 10 a.m. - KFAI’s Wave Project will host the Writers Reject Sack with guests: Abra Staffin Wiebe, Joel Arnold, Dana Baird, and myself.

Not sure which I like less: the word “reject” or the word “sack”. Nevertheless, I’ll be there. We’ll be talking about writer stuff, traditional publishing, self-publishing, podcasting and the Minnesota Speculative Fiction Writers’ Group.

Tune in to:

• 90.3 FM Minneapolis, MN
• 106.7 FM West St. Paul, MN

The show should be recorded and listed on the KFAI website, I’ll be sure to link back to it when the recording is posted!

Jonathan Winn’s debut novel Martuk… the Holy is an epic work of deep, dark fiction which follows a character’s descent into immortality.

High-Quality Description

The first thing that caught my attention was that Martuk… the Holy is laden with masterful descriptions that manage to capture the emotional experiences of characters and places. Writers should read Martuk… the Holy for a primer on how to write luscious, vivid descriptions that don’t rely on a boring list of analytical details.

There is a price for this level of description – it makes the story unfold slowly, like watching a beautiful film in slow-motion. This may not go over with some readers, especially those with short attention spans.

I found it distracting that almost every chapter references skin and touching in some way. People simply don’t contact each other this often. I’ve seen less skin and intimate contact in porno movies. Despite the overabundance of intimacy, there is very little actual sex in the book, apart from the disturbing rape of a minor and an awkward homosexual encounter with an unnamed guard.

Martuk… the POV

For the most part, the story is told from first-person point-of-view.  This works well with the level of description, and enhances the feeling of Martuk telling his story TO YOU. Being inside Martuk’s head definitely makes for an immersive reading experience.

Theme and Plot

The main character Martuk is immortal, and his story covers vast sections of time. The story is told from the main character as he remembers it from the present day. The story jumps around in time/location and it is sometimes difficult to tell where/when we are until you get a few pages in. With some patience, the overall story eventually gels into place, and we are able to piece together the story of Martuk from his upbringing in a geographically-vague wilderness tribe, through his indoctrination to immortality, his later interactions with Jesus, and finally leading into the modern age.

Characters in Martuk… the Holy come and go, which is an interesting facet of immortality, well-shown through example. In fact, we don’t learn the names of many characters in the story. Instead of an overarching antagonist there are several smaller ones. In the end, Martuk is the only constant.

Likewise, the many interesting ideas and challenges in Martuk… the Holy come and go, replaced with other interesting ideas and challenges in the next time-period.  The only overarching conflict would be Martuk coming to terms with his own immortal nature.  Since Martuk is immortal, his inner conflict can’t really be “resolved” only changed for any given moment, a fact which left the ending a bit hollow for me. Martuk doesn’t have an overall cause, and therefore I felt his immortality was squandered. I would have preferred to have more closure or completion at the end. In that sense, Martuk… the Holy is more of a character study than a story. Johnathan Winn plans to expand on Martuk with a series of stories, some of which are already available.

One of the things that initially interested me about Martuk… the Holy is the subject matter. There are Demons and Angels at work here, philosophical battles going on alongside the physical ones. Internal conflict alongside the external. And good and evil are slippery labels. There is a study in comparative religion here that readers will have to watch for – it’s less obvious than the descriptions and exposition, and something each reader should experience for themselves.

Jesus 2.0

Parts of the book deal with Jesus and his disciples.  Aspects of the Jesus mythos are changed and/or called into question. Undoubtedly there will be those who wish to burn any copies of Martuk they come across, but that will be difficult and expensive, considering that Martuk… the Holy is only available in electronic formats.

I found this to be a compelling, alternative take on the Jesus mythos, and a brave undertaking by the author. Some people don’t want their vampires to sparkle. Some people don’t want The Force reduced to mito-clorians. And some people are going to balk when Jesus is portrayed as a charismatic, metrosexual douchebag. Those taken in by the promises made by the cover (see below) will be the most upset.

Book Cover and Title

The unique and searchable title (including ellipsis) is a direct quote from early in the book as the hero ponders what you should call him – what title fits him best. After reading the book, we realize that “..the Holy” is some kind of self-deprecating humor, although readers won’t figure this out till later in the story. Therefore the title will mean more to those who read the story than it will to those seeing the book for the first time.

Looking online I see several versions of the cover for Martuk… the Holy. The red covers are vague and low quality, but the green cover I posted here is much better. The crucifix depicted on the cover indicates religious content, and this is reinforced by the word “Holy” in the title.  These observations are accurate, but also misleading. Those who enjoy religious fiction may be drawn to this book because of the cover/title, but I believe that many of them will be disappointed if not upset when they read about this version of the Jesus story. As I like to say, if you are secure in your views, then you won’t be offended.

Martuk… the Summary Review

If you’re looking for an immersive character study in immortality, an alternative retelling of the life and times of Jesus, and a writer’s primer on description (especially physical contact), you should check out Martuk… the Holy by Jonathan Winn.

 Martuk… the Holy on Amazon.

I’ve been tagged by the lovely and talented Dana Baird as well as by fictioneer Tyler Tork as part of The Next Big Thing Blog Hop! So in accordance with The Next Big Thing rules and regulations, I’m supposed to answer the following questions about my upcoming work, then pass this along to five other Next Big Thing authors.

What is the working title of your next book?

Pinky The Invisible Flying Pony Vs The Alien Robot Zombie Dinosaurs

No, seriously.

Where did the idea come from for the book?

The idea for an invisible flying pony superhero is a story in itself. But after writing the previous Pinky story in this series, I received so much positive feedback and I had so much fun writing it, that I couldn’t help coming up with other ideas for preposterously-adjectived antagonists. The previous story, Pinky the Invisible Flying Pony Vs. The Giant, Carnivorous, Poisonous, Exploding Spider-Leeches sets the enemy bar pretty high, but Alien Robot Zombie Dinosaurs should give them a run for their money.

What genre does your book fall under?

Gothic, Sci-Fi, Horror-Comedy.

Think Calvin and Hobbes meets HP Lovecraft, then add in some Terminator 3 technology…

What is the synopsis or blurb for this book?

I don’t have a blurb for this story, because the title is long enough already, but here’s a quick synopsis:

Payton and her best friend, the invisible flying pony Pinky, take a field trip to the Minnesota Science Museum. Unfortunately, the dinosaur skeletons come to life and begin abducting people in puffs of black smoke! Can Payton and Pinky evade agents of the Shadow Government, find out what’s behind the Zombie Dinosaur Menace, save the Earth from certain destruction, and still get home in time for Payton to finish her report on Egypt? Probably not, but watching them try will be a laugh for all fans of preposterously dark fiction.

What actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

Any actor or actress could play Pinky, as long as they were invisible.

For Payton, I’d love to see Natalie Portman from The Professional back in the mid 90′s, or Chloe Moretz (aka Hit Girl) from the 2010 hit, Kick Ass. Since either of these would require a time machine, we might just as well go back 6 years and shoot the movie with the real-world Payton whom the character is based on.

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

If you read my answer to “What genre does your book fall under?” you should be able to figure this one out yourself.  This story is probably too adult for kids, and too kiddish for adults. I’m not sure an agency would touch it. Besides, the publishing industry is still busy running research groups to analyze the business potential of this “internet” fad. I’m probably best off releasing this story myself.

How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

Way too long for a short story. Nine months, I think. But several of those months were interrupted by other projects like Jagged Spiral’s second album.

Who or what inspired you to write this book?

The positive feedback I received from the previous Pinky story, and sheer fun I had of writing it. One person told me she read the first Pinky story to her kids as a bedtime story, and they loved it!

Many people asked me if there would be more adventures with Pinky and Payton and writing these short stories is so much easier than the serious novel I’m laboring over, called Evil Looks Good. Diving back into Pinky and Payton’s world is a welcome break that is fun and easy to write, with a high payoff for both me and my fans.

What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?

One reader pointed out to me that the interaction between Pinky and Payton reminds them of Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson, and I would have to agree, but add a sinister, world-ending antagonist. Like HP Lovecraft, I try to ratchet up the evil to impossible levels, but I do so with a very wry and dry sense of humor in the style of Douglas Adams’ The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Abraham Lincoln – Vampire Hunter by Seth Grahame-Smith, and the Emily the Strange stories come to mind because of the gothic/horror/comedy crossover.  Someone told me my writing reminds them of Terry Pratchett. Not sure if that was meant as a good or bad thing.

What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

The fact that it’s a true story…that really happened. At least the invisible flying pony swears it really happened, and who am I to argue with that?

Or perhaps the fact that it will be really inexpensive. Plus, each copy comes with an invisible, intangible, unscented and completely silent flying pony!

The Next (Five) Big Thing(s)

As part of the Next Big Thing Perpetual Motion Machine, I’m also expected to pick five other authors who I’m into right now. So here’s a list of authors who should be part of the Next Big Thing hoopla:

• Abra Staffin-Wiebe – Fellow Minnesota Speculative Fiction Writer Abra Staffin-Wiebe is not only a really good writer, but also has a great voice. Check out both her writing and her voice in her podcast of circusofbrassandbone.com 
• Joseph Garraty – When I was very young, I asked my mother where I came from. She informed me that I was “left on the doorstep by Gypsies.” I always thought she just wanted to avoid the “birds and the bees” talk. Last year I read Joseph Garraty’s The Voice (NO connection to the TV show of the same name, btw…) and I had to contact him to say how much I liked it. We got to chatting, and the more I learned about Joseph, the more frightening similarities between us were revealed. I’ve decided that either Joseph is my long, lost, Gypsy brother, or he is actually me, and there is a time machine involved. Either way, you should check out his work.
• Carole Lanham - Author of The Whisper Jar, Carole writes “Deliciously Dark Fiction” from her home in St. Louis, Missouri. She is also the purveyor of horrorhomemaker.com.
• Jonathan Winn – Author from Seattle, WA. I’m halfway through his first novel Martuk… The Holy. Mixing dark fiction with comparative religion, Jonathan Winn does description like no other author I’ve read.
• Joseph Nassise – With over twenty novels under his belt, and former Horror Writers Association President creds, Joseph Nassise is already a Big Thing. However, I was able to preread some scenes of Eyes to See before it was released last June, and it’s in my reading queue right now. I know fans of dark fiction are going to eat this up.

 

For a movie whose only marketing plan is the public knowledge that it’s  “Based on James Patterson’s Best Selling Novel,” I went in to see Alex Cross with very low expectations.

Unfortunately, they weren’t low enough.

Production-wise, Alex Cross was fine. Sets were great. Stunts were good. Effects were good. The sound was excellent. The only music I remember was a song about “drivin’ in my Caddy” which reinforced the fact that much of the film was sponsored by Cadillac. I forgot to look, but I’ll bet there is a “Cadillac Waxer” in the credits someplace.

This movie does threaten to steal the title of “worst camera work ever” from the Blair Witch Project. One person I was with walked out of the movie close to the end because the camera flopped around so much. It would have worked better if the director had actually stepped into the shot and told the audience to increase their tension. Yes, it was that bad. Face it Hollywood, shaky-cam takes people OUT of the movie. In this case, literally out of the theater. Get a tripod.

You’ll need to let go of any preconceived notions you had from watching Morgan Freeman play the character Alex Cross in Kiss The Girls (1997) and Along Came A Spider (2001). Tyler Perry’s version of Alex Cross in this 12th book of the series is a completely different creature, and many reviewers are not pleased by that difference. But according to James Patterson (who helped produce the film) Tyler Perry is more like the character from the books than Morgan Freeman. See his interview on the Today show below:

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Of course Tyler Perry is no Morgan Freeman, but I’m willing to let him make the character his own, and I had no qualms about his acting abilities. Tyler does a good job… with the script he had. In fact, this can be said of all the other actors in the film, which calls attention to the real problem – the writing.  Alex Cross is daytime T.V. quality at best, and not Hollywood. As a writer, it pains me to see something with such a strong pedigree do so poorly on account of the writing – something that should have had quality established way before anyone shook hands on a movie deal.

I never read the story this film was based on, called Cross, but here are some issues with the movie version that make me wonder how it ever could have evolved from a bestselling novel:

This time, it’s (completely, unnecessarily) personal

Alex Cross is a detective/criminal psychologist. When a houseful of people are found dead, one of them tortured to death, Alex is brought in to investigate. He begins to track down an assassin called The Butcher (and also nicknamed Picasso), played excellently by Matthew Fox. Despite the fact that Alex is a detective and Picasso is an assassin who killed a house full of people, there’s an awful lot of time spent motivating Alex to catch/stop him. I won’t bore you with details, but things get personal, then things get More Personal, and then EVEN MORE PERSONAL to the point where you wish we could just get back to the real story of who hired this assassin and why he killed a houseful of people. Who hired him? Why?

Apparently we aren’t supposed to care about all that. All the global conspiracy and espionage are sidelined to focus on Alex and Picasso as they battle each other physically, mentally and emotionally. Every scene in the movie tries so desperately to elicit an emotional response that the film threatens to burst under its own emotional weight, while the more interesting storyline disappears until the very last few minutes of the movie, when everything is resolved in a long distance phone call. Talk about anti-climax.

Alex Cross… Psychic?

The astonishing leaps of deduction that Alex Cross makes would make Sherlock Holmes gawk in wonder:

• A glance at a house full of dead people and Alex KNOWS the killer worked alone?
• Two marks on the table and Alex KNOWS they were left by a laptop? And he KNOWS “…that’s probably what the killer was after.”???
• A bowl full of severed fingers, and Alex KNOWS the person was tortured to get the password for the laptop? The same laptop that isn’t there?
• Alex folds up a sketch left by the killer at the crime scene to produce two initials and somehow Alex KNOWS it’s the initials of the next person on the killer’s hitlist? Huh? How did he know it wasn’t the killers own initials? How did Alex know there was a hitlist?

These are just a tiny taste of the impossible leaps of intellect the audience has to swallow in one short scene of the movie. The entire movie was filled with them, and the only possible explanations are that Alex Cross is psychic, or that James Patterson is a lazy writer. It must be the latter, because any detective with such strong psychic abilities should have been able to figure out the killer and the motive over their lunch break.

I can’t imagine that fans of crime fiction would tolerate plot gaps chained together by magical deductions of this magnitude. Audiences have to suspend their disbelief, but this is like putting your disbelief in a gimp outfit and locking it in a closet.

Alex Cross… Rogue?

There is a short scene in which Alex and his partner bypass security and break into the police station, and then beat up two cops to steal evidence. The scene is ludicrous, unnecessary and so absurd that audience members were snickering, myself included. Why didn’t he just bribe the guy in the evidence dept with a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts? And where did Alex Cross suddenly learn police security system hacking?  Why not steal a nuclear bomb and blow up the whole city? Then you’d get the bad guy for sure!

Executive Summary Review

It’s clear that James Patterson wants to raise his character to a name-brand franchise like James Bond or Jason Bourne. The problem is that those films are plot-driven, while Alex Cross tries to be character-driven, and unfortunately, the personality just isn’t there to support the film. Some reviewers are blaming Tyler Perry for this, but I blame the writer. I went to see a story about a cop trying to stop an assassin hired to kill off high-ranking businessmen in a global conspiracy….

…and instead, I saw a story about a boringly bland, psychic, daddy-cop who gets a half-movie’s worth of motivation to catch the bad guy he was assigned to catch anyway, and then in the second half of the film, he breaks almost as many laws and kills almost as many people as the bad guy. And at the end, the real bad guy behind all of this is nothing more than an afterthought, wrapped up with a two minute phone call.

There are many people who encourage authors NOT to self-publish because of quality issues. I don’t generally agree, but here is a shining example of an author self-producing his own movie, and the results are embarrassing. You can watch the movie Seven (ironically starring Morgan Freeman) to see what I think James Patterson was trying to accomplish, but don’t waste your time on Alex Cross. It pales and fails against TV shows that are better written, better produced, and free to watch. I can only hope the books aren’t this bad.

I met Emma Bull at the 4th St Fantasy Writer’s Convention a couple years ago, and aside from being an inspiration and a great writer, Emma is also a spitfire and a sweetheart. I was saddened to hear boingboing.net report that both Emma Bull and Steven Brust were in the hospital having operations on the same day.

For those who don’t know, both Emma and Steven are both Speculative Fiction writers from Minnesota. They were in the now defunct folk-rock band, Cats Laughing, and they are also members of the local fiction writers’ group known as the Scribblies, who founded the 4th Street annual Writer’s Convention. Their combined writings pioneered the Urban Fantasy genre, especially Emma’s War for the Oaks, which is set here in Minneapolis.

Now you probably guessed that Urban Fantasy Authors and Health Insurance go together like Coffee and Fish, which is to say, they do not. And although Steven Brust reports he does have some health coverage, I suspect having a defibrillator installed in your chest can’t be cheap or comfortable. And unless Emma has her own self-funded health care plan, I bet her thyroidectomy is going to take a bite out of those Urban Fantasy royalties.

Fellow author Scott Lynch has volunteered to forward profits from his pay-what-you-want book Queen of the Iron Sands to help with Emma and Steve’s medical expenses, and probably get them more financial relief than buying their individual works, but every little bit helps. Prayers, comments, positive thoughts, links to cute dog/cat videos on youtube, etc… But just as importantly, you can help by spreading the word.  Emma and Steve deserve it, and I’m sure they would appreciate it.

There will be a release party for Sky-Tinted Waters, the MinnSpec compilation containing my story, Pinky the Invisible Flying Pony vs the Giant Carnivorous, Poisonous Exploding Spider-Leeches.

• Date: Sunday, 26 Aug 2012
• Time: From Noon Until 4PM CST
• Place: Waterbury Center, Geek Partnership Society (Suite 106) 1121 Jackson Street, Minneapolis, MN
  
• Clothing: Optional
• Facebook Event Link: http://www.facebook.com/events/181301265334496/
• No cover charge, but the book will set you back around $12, bring cash, I don’t think checks or cards are accepted.

There will be some food available, although I suspect “food” might mean something different to speculative fiction authors. So, consider there will be snacks available.

I’ll be there from noon till 4PM. I have no idea if there is any structure to the event, so come and go as you see fit. There will be copies of the book available for purchase, and most of the contributing authors will be there to sign and give readings.

Hope to see you there!