It's tough to rate this movie. I'm not truly sure whether I liked it or not.

The story was straightforward, and fine if you could overlook plot holes big enough to float the Motherland through, but hey, you weren't watching this for the plot anyways. The fight scenes were kind of sparce, but plenty of action, chase scenes, and the most Non-Twist on an ending you will ever see. I'm not even giving anything away when I tell you that the bad guy reveals his secret identity at the end and you go, "Um, who the hell are you?" Mel Brooks already did that, in Spaceballs, when Dark Helment announces that he is Lone Star's "...father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate!" Well, I can only assume Kenta Fukasaku hadn't seen Spaceballs.

What threw me most about the film was the dialog. It has to be tough to translate the film directly, but some sayings that were supposed to be threats came out really really funny. For instance, when the Yo-Yo Girl's enemy grabs her by the throat, and is about to beat her to a pulp, she yells, "You will die Very Soon!"

Perhaps I will watch it again with the sound off and listen to Kamelot's 'Ghost Opera' while watching Asian schoolgirls have a standoff in a warehouse with Government Issue HyperPowered Yo-Yos.

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: movie reviews

Fantastic. You get to sate your burning need to know, without blowing up your house. Cuz, you've always wanted to know what would happen if you put a bunch of disposable lighters in a blender...

...or a can of EZ-Cheese...

Or an I-Phone!

The best part is the cheezy smile the guy has while he's blending up a $400 I-Phone.

Man, I could have saved a lot of money if I'd only known about willitblend.com! (It wouldn't have prevented "The Shaving Cream Incident", but that's another post for another day...

Thanks to James for the link...
KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: Cool Website, Funny, Videos

If you haven't seen Basic Instructions, you really should swing over there and check it out. This weeks comic on "How to Quit Drinking Caffeine" had me instantly hooked. Scott Meyer's main character reminds me of my friend, "Schaffdog". (Except the "Dog" has more hair.)

I used to read CTRL+ALT+DEL, which is hit-or-miss, but going through basicinstructions back catalog had me LLOL (Literally Laughing-Out-Loud) on almost every comic.

I added his rss feed to my list next to Dilbert, cuz I'm an ornery-sum-bisch if I don't get some daily laughs with my caffeine, otherwise I'm just a tired-sum-bisch...

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: Cool Website, Funny

Satan couldn't be here today to give you any bad ideas, so she asked me to help her out, and since I am actually quite indebted to her, I really didn't feel right saying 'no'.

So watch this and laugh at the misery of others!

If you watch this 100 times you will still laugh

Add to My Profile | More Videos


And this:

Watch This And Laugh

Add to My Profile | More Videos


KTHXBYE,
Conrad Zero, Devil's Advocate

Labels: Funny, Videos

Yet another article about the loudness war.

http://spectrum.ieee.org/aug07/5429

For those who don't know, the Loudness War is the music industry's attempt to make their recordings louder than everyone else's, because research has shown that louder songs get noticed more.

No shit. Sadly the research told them nothing about the quality of the recordings.

There is a hint in the article that current overcompressed music fatigues listeners, and that it might account for the decrease in music sales, but of course there is no proof of this.

The article also talks about future technologies like “Replay Gain” which try to nullify the Loudness War by playing back all songs at the same relative volume.

I agree with Bob Katz, recordings that are overcompressed and radio stations like 93X that blatantly abuse volume compression, forsaking all else for loudness are ruining music, and make it tiring to listen to. Hey, compress the shit out of MP3s because they’re meant to be listened to on laptop speakers and I-pod earbuds. But CDs should take advantage of their dynamic range and richness of sound. Let the consumers wreck the music if they want, but if I'm buying the CD, I can turn the volume knob up myself. I'd much rather have a rich recording that breathes.

I MEAN, WHY DON'T WE JUST TYPE ALL OUR BLOG POSTS LIKE THIS? IT MUST BE BETTER BECAUSE IT GOT YOUR ATTENTION, RIGHT?

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: Business Phenomena, consumerism, Cultural Observation, music, Music Industry, Technology

It's easy to quickly pass Judgement; on matters especially that of aesthetics; most notably what is or is not Beautiful or Ugly, Good, or Evil. Of course, no one is ever objectively Right or Wrong about these things, because the very concepts are synthetic, man-made.

With that in mind, I've tried to review several new bands, books and movies with what my Philosophy teacher called a "charitable interpretation". Having helped make several movies, songs and with a very-nearly completed book on the way, I am giving other works of art the same kind of review I would like to receive. Which means I try to work past the first impression. I will give bands three songs before I say I like or don't like them. I will read 20 or so pages of a book instead of 20 or so words, before deciding whether I want to keep reading or not, and I will try to maintain my maniacal laughter when looking at poor quality artwork on CD/DVD inserts.

Take this movie for example: A Perfect Creature.

Check out the cover for it. Awful. And comparing your lame-ass vampire move to 'Children of Men' on the cover? Wow, the Audacity. I didn't like the movie right there on the shelf at Hollywood Video, and I didn't even know what it was about...

...First Impressions, heh. Like I was sayin', let's try to move past those, shall we? So I actually took the DVD case down and flipped it over. The synopsis was interesting, a completely different take on the entire vampire mythos. Good, because the one we got could use some "completely different"-ing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased as punch that Anne Rice recovered the Vampire from a B-Movie bloodsucking machine back into the sophisticated evil anti-hero I think Bram Stoker intended when he wrote Dracula. But is this all we got? Cause if no one has anything new, then it's time we packed up and moved on. I might have mentioned this before.

Anyway, I'm glad I moved through my initial perception of this and rented "A Perfect Creature", because it was an extremely good movie.

First off, despite the very very Very poor quality graphics on the DVD case, the movie was, in fact, Not Independent as I initially thought. It has the 20th Century Fox brand on it, although the handful of production companies sound as dodgy as a used car salesman's last day at work.

Second, it wasn't just the plot that was good. The whole alternate-reality mythos created by Glen Standring (an Archaeologist!!!) is amazing and well thought out. Humans and vampires get along in a completely mutually beneficial, sacred, and peaceful relationship! Wow, wrap your mind around that one, then add in the fact that the movie was given a grayish 60-s feel, especially regarding technology.

Aside from these things, it uses a pretty standard good-guy/bad-guy action adventure plot, that moves along just quick enough. The movie had decent scoring, and Excellent art direction, esp. some great angular shots that added to the strangeness of this alternate universe.

After seeing it, I would have to agree that A Perfect Creature is a reasonable cross between Children of Men, 28 Days Later, and of all things "The Chronicles of Riddick" No, really!

Anyway, the lesson is to not judge a book, DVD or local band by their covers.

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: movie reviews, Philosophy

Ah, Fall. I love it when the Winter of Summer gives way to the Spring of Autumn. 69 Degrees sounds awesome right now, which almost inexplicably reminds me of some links I've been meaning to post about our female friends...

Fergie (The Dutchess) - At the MN State Fair Grandstand, 25 Aug 2007. Fergie is what I call a 'hussy trollop', [Editor's Note: ...and no good in the sack, either. Hey, don't shoot the messenger.] But if you can listen through the shit-syrup production and the roomfull of boyz (You know who they are, no need to mention them here) crowding her out, she does have a phenomenal voice, and I'm pleased to hear they actually let her shine on her latest single, "Big Girls Don't Cry". [Writer's Note: WTF, did you think I only listen to Suzanne Vega and Nightwish all day?]

Joan Jett and the Blackhearts - at the MN State Fair Grandstand, 26 Aug 2007. Joan Jett actually sweat on me once, at a concert in Austin, Texas, and I swore I would never bathe again. Not the first time I've lied, nor the last, and I'm sure Joan would understand. Joan Jett is one of the few artists who never had to tell you she was 'going back to her Roots' because she never left them. She knows full well who she is, and what she does, and what she does is Kick Ass.

Suzanne Vega - 2 Oct 2007 at the Varsity Theatre. I'm sure I will get into trouble of Mythical Proportions for telling you this, but Suzanne Vega is a musical genius - a songwriting goddess with more talent in her toenail clippings than Sarah McLachlan, The Indigo Girls, Sade and Fergie combined [Editors Note: Great Z, thanks a lot. Let the hate-mail begin! And for the record, Fergie was a throwaway...]

The Dollys - 2 & 3 Sept at the MN State Fair, Heritage Stage. Now, I don't like country, but IF I did, then I would like the Dollys. My Image Consultant has asked me not to disclose the fact that they sound like Angels... [Image Consultant's Note: This section deleted.]

Andra Suchy - 9 Aug at Kozy's Steaks and Seafood, Galleria Summer Music Sampler. One third of the vocal brilliance behind The Dollys, Andra Suchy can also be heard as the voice of "Hookers And Blow" as well as branching out on her own. If you are looking for a more intimate and less crowded setting than her State Fair appearance with The Dollys, check her out at the Galleria on Aug 9th.

Nightwish - 28 Oct at First Avenue. I haven't quite caught the Nightwish bug, and the fact that they swapped out lead singers after the "Once" album means I have no clue what they sound like now, but one word describes their music: Epic.

Tank Girl Minneapolis - From what I can tell, this is a sort of 'Lifestyle Outfitter' store, run by women who most likely have a third "X" chromosome. [Editors Note: Three "X"s, get it? As in "XXX", as in "Triple X"? Come on people, work with us here! It just isn't funny when I have to explain it!] Anyway, the website is a little sparce now, but check back, because I personally would like to see more "Empowering Accessories for the Urbane Motorist"...

Anyways, a bloggers 'Tip O The Cap' to the ladies, thanx for making life here beautiful.

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: Cool Event, Minneapolis Event, music, Ubercool

What happened?

As reported by the Future of Music Coalition, it seems that AT&T censored anti-Bush lyrics sung by Pearl Jam front man, Eddie Vedder during their recent "blue room" webcast from Lollapolooza.

Read Pearl Jam's Press Release on the issue here.

Wired has also dug up other instances of censorship at AT&T, including Tom Petty, the Nightwatchmen, and others, at other webcast music festivals.

AT&T admitted to the censorship, but said it has to censor foul language. Strangely, this report suggests otherwise:

"AT&T originally said that it only edits Blue Room Webcasts for profanity since the site is available to all age groups. But a group calling itself the Future of Music Coalition, counted 20 instances of curse words being used during the Pearl Jam Webcast that were not censored by the content monitor."

So, AT&T seems to think that cursing is NOT profanity, since it was allowed, but saying "George Bush, leave this world alone!" IS profanity, because it was censored.

Got that?

Why is this a problem?

The analogy would be the power company shutting off your power because you were using it to run your skilsaw to make "Anti Bush" signs for your frontyard. Or, the phone company shutting down your voice every time you tried to tell your parents what a blithering idiot George Bush is.

For a country that was founded on freedom of speech, this kind of activity is worse than simply unacceptable. We simply cannot allow people to censor the speech of others simply because they have the power to do so; that is beyond Unconstitutional. Any company that would edit out Anti-Bush comments during a webcast would also disable access to websites/blogs/news/etc.. of any content they did not agree with.

If we allow this, then we might just as well burn the Constitution of the United States of America, and let the Anarchy begin. Personally, I'm fine with either way, but I think most people would prefer we all just follow the rules, since it has gotten us quite far with few internal wars.

What can you do about it?

Well, your options here are limited.

1. Storm the White House, take the Constitution of the United States, and burn it. Unfortunately, if AT&T provides the webcast, no one will see it, so your Anarchy will be pretty limited.


2. Storm AT&T, take the CEO's underwear, and burn them (while he is still wearing them). Post the video to YouTube. This will show people that Americans won't put up with censorship.


3. Support the Future of Music Coalition, even if that means just subscribing to their free newsletter and passing along stories like this one, and make sure the word gets out there to people: Here is PROOF that the Man is keeping you down! Here is a CRIMINAL caught in the act! It's not just rumor, it's not just hear-say, and it's not an isolated incident. Anyone with an Internet connection can see this for themselves.


4. Resume your life of Quiet Desperation.


KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: political, Politics

Dear Coca-Cola Corp.,

With more and more things changing from status as a Product to a Service (software, music, media, etc...) I thought you might like to change your line of beverages from a product to a service as well.

Please arrange with me to have a monthly fee automatically withdrawn from my bank account, and send me a "Coca-Cola Card" good for any of your beverage products, wherever they are sold. I should be able to swipe it through pop machines, use it at restaurants, airports, gas stations, etc. and send me monthly statements of how many gallons of Diet Coke I drink per month.

Oh yes, and if you could run a line to my house, similar to water/gas/electric, that would be great too.

I'm actually surprised your overpaid marketing executives have not figured this out already, but if you are interested in a new marketing CEO, I would be more than happy to take that position, and make sure they don't miss out on blatantly obvious income opportunities like this one. Trust me, I got plenty more where that came from.

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: consumerism, Million Dollar Idea, Open Letter

Every now and again, there are albums that I have to play. HAVE to. Must. After a while, the pain of Not playing them becomes unbearable. If my spirit was a plant, these recordings would be sunlight and water. If my spirit were an addict, these recordings would be Audio Crystal Meth:

Marillion - Brave (1994)
Marillion - Misplaced Childhood (1985)
Marillion - marillion.com (1999)
Nine Inch Nails - The Downward Spiral (1994)
Nine Inch Nails - Pretty Hate Machine (1989)
Nirvana - Nevermind (1991)
Marilyn Manson - Antichrist Superstar (1996)
Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon (1973)
Pink Floyd - Animals (1977)
Pink Floyd - The Wall (1979)
Pink Floyd - The Final Cut (1983)
Dire Straits - Brothers In Arms (1985)
Neil Young - Unplugged (just the first half...) (1993)
Robert Plant - Now and Zen (1988)
REM - Document (1987)
Days of the New (1997)
Bob Mould - Bob Mould (1996)
Nixon Pupils - Helldozer (mid 1990s)
Johnny Jones - Small Sacrifices (mid 1990s)

Notice how none of these albums was made after the year 2000? I'm trying to figure out why. With access to damn near every single band in the world available through myspace.com, you would think I would still be finding music that I simply can't live without, but that's not the case.

Is it because newer music is fundamentally different in some way? Looking at Billboard's top 10 I only recognize two of them, one being Korn, and the other (I'm ashamed to say) is Fergie. Yes, I've listened to the entire Dutchess album, and already forgotten what that was like. Is the 'click' gone from current music? Are newer songwriters and bands less talented than they were in the 80s or 90s?

Perhaps the problem is me. Have I fundamentally changed? Most certainly, I'm not remotely the person I was in the 90s. But I still listen to music, and I love music so much I play it all the time. The world just seems empty without it, like watching an epic adventure movie without a soundtrack or score.

Perhaps it is a little of both? Is it because at that point in my life the music clicked with me, and current music doesn't? I don't think so, I have a car-full of CDs that click with me right now, but I can't say I'll be dying to hear Velvet Revolver, Kamelot, or Black Label Society years from now.

Oh well, something for my Inner Philosopher to think about when he gets back from vacation.

Now notice that there isn't a single album in that list with a female lead singer...

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: Culture, Inner Philosopher, music, Philosophy

Sound Unseen is almost here – fest runs August 22-26 at the Ritz & Riverview, with a pre-festival Rock n' Bowl: Bands vs. Fans Bowling Tourney @ Elsie's.

www.soundunseen.com – Printed programs @ Electric Fetus and coffee/music shops around town.

Wednesday, August 15 @ Elsie's Bar in NE MPLS
9pm-midnight
$5 per person to bowl all night, shoe rental not included
18+

Grab a few friends and sign up to play against bands including
MC/VL
Chooglin
The Alarmists
The Haves Have It
Heiruspecs
Mystery Palace
White Light Riot
Revolver Modele
Heavey Sleeper
Jenny Dalton, Meg Ashling, Laura Boland, Hilary Davis

Live music from DJ's Lori Barbero and Steve Yasgar.

To reserve your spot (limited spots available), send an email to soundunseen@gmail.com - and let us know how many people you're signing up for.

Photo stream from last year.



KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: Cool Event, Minneapolis Event

Dear Mr Sessions, thank you for sending me the copy of your movie "Dead Clowns" to review here on conradzero.com. You have heard correctly, I really enjoy reviewing quality low-budget horror films, and upon review of your feature film, I can say without a doubt that it was certainly, um, low-budget.

Where should I start...how about the sound? I thought it was interesting the way you added a heavy reverb to all ambient sound effects in the movie, as though they were recorded in a subway tunnel, but left the vocals dry. Can't say I've heard this done before, but it certainly made the sound, um, unique.

Another interesting aspect of the sound was your choice to make sounds that were far away from the camera louder than those that were close to the camera. For instance, the sound of rain outside the hotel room was louder than the dialog of the people talking to each other an arm's length apart, and in some cases, their dialog was nearly inaudible. A wise choice, as most of the dialog was unimportant and pretty bad. Did you actually make the actors read the script for the first time right there on camera? It explains why most of the dialog sounded so unnatural and contrived, and definitely added to the 'indie' feel of your movie.

The multiple plot threads were a nice touch. It was refreshing to see that for the most part, they never really meshed together into any form of a coherent 'whole'; a process I agree is overused in Hollywood, and you will no doubt be hailed as a visionary for abandoning it. Leaving the audience to contemplate just why those other people were in the movie at all is sheer genius. Making the audience think? Who does that anymore?

I liked your twist on the classic revenge formula. Usually people seeking revenge were wronged in some way, but in Dead Clowns, they come back from the dead and attack the town that loved them, and had nothing to do with the accident that killed them! Ha! Not to mention they waited for fifty years before coming back, so I doubt there was anyone left in the town who was around back when they bit it. That will certainly teach them for being the offspring of people who liked clowns!

BTW: Why fifty years? Why not forty-nine-and-two-fifths of a year due to rounding errors?The movie never explains why, and it's *that* kind of unresolved tension that makes independent film what it is today, that is to say, ah... independent.

Without a doubt, Brinke Stevens was the highlight of the movie. She did a fantastic job. Her character also looks remarkably young for someone who is an expert on the clown/train accident that happened fifty years ago, and the town completely forgot. Her description of the incident made it sound like she was actually there when it happened, which would make her...well, at least fifty. Using a young actress to play an older character, but still make her look young sounds like a makeup department's nightmare, but your crew handled the task swimmingly, because she doesn't look a day over thirty.

I couldn't help but notice many long, introspective shots of non-dialog/non-action/non-story, usually with the camera locked on someones face, (a trick you no doubt learned from Peter Jackson's version of 'King Kong') while many might find this annoying and unprofessional, it really shows you how overrated pacing is in the movie media. It was also nice not to have to pause the movie when going to the bathroom, or going to the kitchen to get another Tequila-Whisky-Coke, or going to the garage to replace the serpentine-belt tensioner in my 96 Saturn.

Regarding the songs in your movie, well...Switchblade Symphony was an excellent choice, but the rest of the songs sucked...oh wait a minute! I see you did the score yourself? Well, that explains it then! For future reference, I know of a band called Jagged Spiral who write some fantastic songs for horror movie soundtracks, and they don't involve the use of Every Single Cliche Known To Man. You should check them out if you are allowed...I mean, if you ever make another movie.

The effects were pretty good. The effect of clowns that had been buried underwater for fifty years and came out wearing brand-spanking-new costumes must have been difficult to manage. I'd have also thought them to be wet, after being in the water for fifty years and all, but no doubt your SFX crew must have had one hell of a time making them look clean and dry. Not to mention that for all their running around town and dismembering/skewering/eating people, none of the clowns get a drop of blood on their outfits. Kudos to the clowns for their fine table manners, and to your wardrobe department for keeping their outfits in pristine condition throughout the bloodbath.

Thanks again for the opportunity to review your film. Enclosed please find my invoice payable immediately on receipt. I generally charge by the hour, but in the case of your 95 min movie, you may notice that I've charged for six hours of labor. This may be especially confusing after I explain that I only spent about half an hour actually watching the movie. In your case, I made an exception and charged the amount of time IT SEEMED TO TAKE to watch your movie, even though I mashed the FF button so often during Dead Clowns that the batteries in the remote control died, (hence the extra charge for replacement batteries.)

You may also notice the an additional expense for a replacement DVD player. No, your DVD did not actually break my player, it simply seemed more prudent to burn my DVD player with your disk in it, and bury the ashes in my backyard, than to take the chance that the disk might fall into the hands of others. (The time spent burning/burying is NOT included in the six hours previously mentioned, but there is no charge for that ; I consider it a public service.)

And of course, as you requested, I will keep this review strictly confidential.

Sincerely,
Conrad Zero

Labels: indie movies, movie reviews, Open Letter, Ubersuck

Thinking back on it all now makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time, either emotional reaction being perfectly acceptable...

...but I get ahead of myself...

It was a good day for a funeral. Uncomfortably humid, but not too hot, and not raining. Boards of snapshots scattered throughout the foyer tried to convey the life of a feisty young damsel from Yonkers, NY: Bowling, Touring the World, Riding a Freaking Camel in Egypt fer crissake. I can only imagine what she was really like, having known her for so short a time; at the end of a life well-lived.

Nana gave us a month to come to terms with the upcoming World-With-No-More-Nana. That month was a roller-coaster of near-joy and near-despair as she teetered back and forth between worlds. In the end, she left us in her sleep. It was only days before that she had threatened to tie the sheets together and climb out the window.

The small procession of four cars made its way across Post-Apocalyptic Minneapolis, now missing its 35W Vena Cava, and convened at Fort Snelling Graveyard. The priest came and said some words meant to be comforting. I remember trying to participate, but my Catholic is a bit rusty. Not many tears; like I said, we had plenty of time to grieve and try to get used to this end. Afterward, the small group made their way out to where Nana's husband is buried, a nearby predug hole in the ground didn't make it any easier to find.

As we stood around, solemnly contemplating Nana's soon-to-be resting place forever and ever amen, a frontloader arrived, followed by a truck full of dirt, a dozen grungy and crabby-looking workers, and a flatbed carrying, low-and-behold, Nana herself. The pink Cadillac of a coffin carefully packed into a quarter-ton of cement (called a vault) and gracelessly craned over into the hole. And we were asked to leave...

"Um, excuse me?"

"Sorry, but we can't have you standing around, someone might get hurt with all this machinery, and our insurance, well...you know."

...No, in fact I *don't* fucking know. I don't know why we can't follow our dearly beloved Nana to the end of the line, her Final resting place.

But what do you do, slug some worker-bee in the face for doing his job? Drop him in the hole and drop Nana's three-quarter-ton hermetically-sealed home on top of him, just because he followed orders written down by an insensitive boob? Course not. So we sadly and slowly walked back to the car.

I wish the story ended there, but there's just the least bit more to go.

We made our way back to our cars, and navigated the maze out from the cemetery, we chanced to pass by Nana one last time. The trucks were gone now, save one, and one lone worker ran a dirt-packer over the top of Nana's freshly filled grave. Much like a jackhammer with a phone book on the end of it, the dirt-packer hammers the dirt down, pushing the air out, making sure that no settling occurs later on.

Guess Fort Snelling has a schedule to keep. Bodies to bury. And they ain't got no time for shit like respect for the living or the dead. They couldn't let us actually view the internment, and couldn't wait five fucking minutes for us to leave before running a fucking dirt-packer over the top of our dearly-beloved.

Like I said, laugh or cry, take your pick.

Well Nana, hope the dirt packer didn't tick you off as much as it did me. And say "hi" to Gramps and Gabby for me...


KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: A Day In The Life

Yes, it's true.

I saw a musical.

It was actually very good. For fans of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the musical version called "Spamalot" has plenty of additional laughs to offer. Plenty of the old favorites, including the talk about sparrows and coconuts, the Black Knight, the Killer Bunny, Bring Out Your Dead, the discussion with Dennis about 'Working Classes', the French taunting (I wave my privates at your aunties...)... and on and on. The plot is roughly based on the movie, but bursting into song at every opportunity.

Thankfully, it's not just a cash-in on the movie, Spamalot takes clever deviations from the movie version. The Knights of Ni demand that King Arthur create a musical. One of the knights bursts into an extended skit about how they would never get on Broadway because they had no Jews in the cast. Lancelot embraces his gaydom, and the show bursts into a neon flamenco dance club with colored spotlights and house music thumping. The beautiful and talented Lady of the Lake steals the show with several overly-self-aware songs like "This is the song that goes like this" and "What happened to my part?"

There's even a shot at Andrew Lloyd Webber.

If you didn't like the Holy Grail, then don't waste your time with Spamalot, but if you ever yelled at someone, "Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!" then you owe it to yourself to see Spamalot.

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: Cool Event, Culture

Um...

IT'S STILL DOWN!

Yep, the bridge is still busted, people are still dead, including my coworker's brother, you still can't cross the river there, and I hear the president wasted a bunch of jet fuel flying over the damage instead of logging onto cnn.com who made the bridge collapse their lead story for five straight days.

Open Letter to the President: Isn't jet fuel expensive? Should you really be so wasteful as to fly Air Force One out to Flyover Land just so you can gawk? Or is it that you've seen the media manipulate tragedies so often that you don't believe it unless you see it for yourself? Yeah, maybe the whole thing was photoshopped! Hell, if you're gonna take personal trips on the taxpayers dime, why don't you also swing by Wisconsin Dells on the way over? Hey, when you are in Minneapolis, stop by and pick up a copy of Jagged Spiral's "Days From Evil" and I'll sign it for you.

Open Letter to CNN: Five Fucking Days? Don't you have Anything Else to report? Aren't we at War someplace? Maybe there's some positive story you could focus on? Here's a story for you, why are people who get their news through CNN less informed than those who get their news through The Onion?

Open Letter to Gawkers: What are you looking for? Lend a hand or get the fuck out of the way.

Open Letter to Fans Of Jagged Spiral: I know this kind of tragedy has followed Jagged Spiral around in the past, but I assure you we had nothing to do with it. We were racking our brains trying to come up with a way to cash in on the tragedy like everyone else, but it looks like everyone's pretty much got it covered. I mean, politicians are using it to get some free press, and some people are even starting to run scams like this. Genius.

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: anti, Culture, Open Letter, Politics, rant