It was nearly 3AM when I finally forced myself to lay down and take a nap before work. It wasn't long before I was roused from a very near-sleep by my cat, Gabby, jumping up on the bed. Nothing I haven't ignored ten-thousand times in the past, but this was new and noteworthy...

...because Gabby's been dead for over a year now.

So, my very near-sleep quickly turned into not-remotely-near-sleep-anymore. I hadn't noticed any particular 'Gabby-like presence' after she passed. I did however, continually forget that she was gone and I would return home, open the door (where she would generally greet me and tell me all about her busy day) and the realization would hit me that she just wasn't there anymore. But there were no signs, sounds, feelings or even the ghost of a hairball to advertise her continuing presence in the house.

So I lie there (wide awake, natch) wondering why her ghost would show up well over a year later. Did she want something? Something she forgot? Do they let cats out of hell for vacation once per year?

You can see a video of Gabby in hell here:




I don't fucking know. All I know is I'm really tired today...


KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: A Day In The Life, Videos

Yet another reason to love the internet:



KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: Funny, Videos

It would be an interesting test to see how much marketing and advertising affects product sales:

What would happen to sales of Coca Cola if they completely STOPPED advertising? Continue making the product, continue selling the product, but no more commercials. No more ads. No more endorsements.

If you are a marketing exec, you want to believe deep down in your ...well, the place where normal people have a soul, (but since you are a marketing exec, you don't, so I suppose ...deep down in that place where a soul belongs,) you believe that everyone would stop buying the product.

But would they?

Same for bands - imagine if, at the height of their career, the Beatles hid underground and never let another picture of themselves grace the outside world. No contact with the public. No e-mails. No web presence. No updates except the albums themselves. They could still tour wearing masks or gorilla outfits, or behind a curtain. Would this change their music? Of course not. Would it change their music sales, if all you had was the music and album cover art?

After all, how many of you know what Pablo Picasso looks like? Or Howard Shore? Or James Cameron?

How come music fans and industry alike demand to know who you are, and what you look like, and where you are from? If an old, balding Jewish guy wrote a song that was simply the Hit of the summer, would people Not buy it?

I think they would.

I think they did.

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: consumerism, Cultural Observation, music, Philosophy

Of all the places to run across a cool book like "Music Legends - A Rewind on the Local Minnesota Music Scene By Martin Keller" I found it at...SuperAmerica. That's right. The Gas Station.

I wasn't looking for a book on Minnesota Music History...well, actually I was, but not at that particular moment in time. It was a bona fide impulse buy. If there was a XXX video there starring Salma Hayek, Aishwarya Rai, and Halle Berry, I would have bought that too, but I certainly wasn't expecting to purchase books or movies at a gas station checkout.

But marketing people [Author's Note: Don't even get me started on Marketing People...wait a minute, I've already started.] have always believed that if you could just get your product in front of every man, woman and child in the Multiverse, that $$$ is sure to follow. They don't really care what the product is, just get it in front of the people. This is the entire philosophy behind television and radio advertisements, roadside billboards (curse them and the soulless bastard who thought them up), advertisements in bathroom stalls, and e-mail SPAM.

Had I been driving 35W North to Tobie's in Hinkley and actually read each and every billboard on the way (A nearly impossible task, since no human being can read that much) and seen an advertisement for a book on Local Minnesota Music History, I would have done that thing people do; pursed my lips and nodded my head slightly, thinking to myself, "Kewl, I'll have to pick that up if I see it." But that's the problem; the majority of advertising requires the potential customer to actively Go Someplace Else to buy the product being advertised. The advertisement plants the "impulse buy" seed in the subconscious, and marketing people hope that the seed takes root and grows into the action of purchase.

But now they have figured out a better way. They realized that the tiny area of real estate near the cash register sees MANY MANY MANY people a day. MANY. But it gets better, because those people are already in a store! They are already in "gathering" mode! There is already a cashier in place to make the transaction, and all the necessary equipment. The customer already has their method of payment out, and is going to MAKE A PURCHASE! Every obstacle between the customer purchasing the product is cut down to the impulse. The customer only needs to reach over, pick up the product, and toss it in the cart with their existing purchase! [Editor's Note: Insert sound effect of entire excited marketing department wetting themselves here.]

Now remember, marketing people don't really care what the product is, just get it in front of the people, right? They don't really care if they are trying to sell a water pump for a 1996 Saturn, if they could just get their product to sit at the counter of Starbucks, IT WOULD SELL. Every single cash register in the world has now become a convenience store. Every website checkout is a potential selling ground for someone to ask, "Do you want fries with that?" or "Since you are buying a book on Equestrian Philosophy, you probably also want a Horse Calendar and a copy of 'The Horse Whisperer' at a reduced rate!!!" Caribou Coffee sells greeting cards. Starbucks sells CDs. McDonalds has the Redbox DVD rental, and SuperAmerica is selling books on Minnesota Music History.

Of course, these are retail chain franchises, so the store managers probably don't have much say in the matter themselves, and probably aren't getting much of the profit, since that is all being done at the corporate level. But for independent business owners, this could be a new form of revenue. A restaurant that carries band merch? That could happen. Hell's Kitchen already carries their own line of clothing. It isn't a stretch to think that they might move some stuff around to make room for some Jagged Spiral hoodies. An Indian restaurant selling lawn care chemicals? Maybe not.

The Million Dollar Idea is for a company to take over the middleman job of selling that space, just the way Clear Channel (Hiss!) sells advertising space on billboards and radio. If a company came along that walked into Magers and Quinn Bookstore and said, "Hey, let me have a one-square meter of space here near the checkout, and I'll find people to lease it for a monthly fee, you just sit back, and I'll send you a check every month..." Well, seems to me there is a business opportunity there for someone more industrious than myself.

Sadly, what this will lead to are checkout counters that look like 35W north, or your inbox, crammed with a bunch of shit you don't want or need, and have nothing to do with the store you are at. During your next visit to the dentist, when you have to stand on tiptoe to see the receptionist over the ostrich waxers, keyboard warmers, and the new Jagged Spiral incense line...well, maybe then you will learn to dislike marketing people as much as I do.

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: Business Phenomena, consumerism, Million Dollar Idea

Labels: Cool Product, Cool Website, Minneapolis Event, music, music reviews

Someone needs to do some research on California. Is it a magnet that draws freakshows like The Peppermint Creeps out of the rest of the country? Or is there something wrong with the water there that warps people's minds?

In all fairness, I know some very nice people who are from California, and moreover, they knowingly moved there. That's their conscious choice, and I won't hold it against them. I have visited California myself and without a doubt, the climate is wonderful.

But if you go to the bank or Taco Bell you would end up standing in line nest to this. Is that what you want? I mean, listen to their song "F_Off And Die". (You might have to turn off the second song playing further down the page, and thank myspace for the clever design which allows bands to automatically start two songs when the page loads...)

If I was in High School, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE the Peppermint Creeps. Not because it's any good at all, but because my parents would HATE HATE HATE it, and wonder if I needed counseling. The Peppermint Creeps are the NEW Motley Crue, the NEW Twisted Sister.

I'm thinking of starting a fund to help the San Andreas Fault Line out, and plop the Peppermint Creeps straight into the Pacific Ocean.

Gotta go, I'm going to be sick...


KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: anti, music reviews

Last night I got to catch up with the Ice Princess of Darkness (Also known as IPOD and fairly famous too, just Google "IPOD" once and see for yourself.)

Anyway, it was good to catch up with her and have some laughs. It made me miss "the old days" even though we used to fight a lot. Every time we met, if I remember correctly.

IPOD knows of a Ghost who turned me on to Eddie Izzard. Probably the funniest male active transvestite comedian I've ever seen. I was going to drop some youtube links in here, I've been watching them for about an hour now. There's so many you should just go to youtube and look up Eddie Izzard for yourself. Great stuff.

While you are trolling the interweb, check out Ghost's band: Claret. They have some shows booked in the coming weeks, and don't let the fact that they label themselves "Christian" dissuade you, they aren't preachy. I might hit one of their shows; incognito, of course, I wouldn't want to get any shine on my perfectly tarnished image.

Ghost also set me up with some music by one of his influences, a UK band called Elbow. I know, poor name choice, but Knee was taken, AND they suck, so Elbow was probably a good second choice as far as ligament joints were concerned. Anyway, Elbow definitely does Not suck, they are in fact, quite refreshing, reminding me of Pink Floyd's Echoes album, or early Marillion (not too early, Hogarth not Fish).


KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: Cool Event, Cool Website, music reviews, Videos

Why are people so down on Spam? I mean, take this gem that I received this morning:


Would you like to have a killer meat stick? If you do, Penis Enlarge Patch should be for you.

http://www.tudart.com/


Now this is funnier than a lot of the 'funny' e-mails I get from people. I'm thinking Jagged Spiral should change its name to "Killer Meat Stick". It has some punch to it; memorable, with a certain air of urgency and a keen marketing sensibility.

Surprisingly, the website is really real (No, I did not click the link, I took another way round). A company called "Advanced Laboratories Inc" (Wow, that sounds pro) has a patch for sale that makes your meat stick a Killer. The website is a strange mashup of a Claritin commercial, soft porn, and a medical horror novel. Kind of reminded me of this, possibly the best movie trailer of all time:



KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: Funny, Videos

The great thing about the Harry Potter series of films is that because they keep making almost the exact same movie over and over, I can keep writing the same review over and over.

[Editors Note: Start cut here]
I saw the new Harry Potter film this week, Harry Potter and the [Fill in the Blank]. It was great. Rich sets, deep plot, amazing SFX. Not really for kids.

-The movie starts with Harry getting the short end from Muggles in the real world.

-Then he goes to magic school.

-Then the shit hits the fan.

-Someone dies. This is important, and controversial, and a spoiler to fans, so if you know who dies, Don't just go barking it out in public, you might get beat up.

-There is a Quiddich match [Editors Note: Scratch the Quiddich Match, there was no Quiddich Match in this one.]

[Zero's Note To Editor: Well, they flew through London on Broomsticks, dodging boats and bridges, didn't they?]

[Editor's Reply: Right, but it wasn't a Quiddich Match...]

[Zero's Abrupt Interruption of the Editor's Reply: They were on flying broomsticks dodging boats and bridges that THEY COULD HAVE EASILY FLOWN OVER. A waste of time which would have been better served advancing the plot instead of fueling ideas for video games; no better than a Quiddich Match...]

[Editor's Reply to Interruption: Good point.]

-Lots of colorful characters are introduced throughout the story. They change from "Good" to "Bad" quite often, so it is handy to have some paper and a pencil available during the movie to keep notes.

-Harry Potter very nearly dies. This is Not important. We know there are more books in the series, so we aren't too concerned.

-Even though this is a Fantasy movie, Harry Potter does not get laid.

-At the end, Harry takes the train home to his crappy life with his crappy guardians. Like I said: Fantasy movie.

I hear-tell the book is quite good, but just too complicated to convert into a 2+ hour movie. They managed to do it anyway by paring down on annoying character development and simply teleporting from one subplot to another with little or no grace. If there is anything left out, the director just assumes you read the book, or hopes you will go back and watch the movie again a few times to make sense of it.

[Editors Note: End Cut here, paste and publish!]

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: movie reviews

The topic is simply begging to be ridiculed - Coffee made from beans eaten and pooped out by civets.

No, really.

I bet every blogger from here to Indonesia has a joke ready for this one. One blogger even pulled this snippet from Austin Powers which made me laugh:



It seems more economical to do what I do, add a bunch of shit to your existing shitty coffee - Chocolate, sugar, steamed milk, mint, more chocolate... until it becomes drinkable. That is still a better value than $600 a pound for coffee made from civet droppings.

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: Caffeine, Funny

This month's Fearless Filmmakers is showing a documentary that delves into the sketchy waters of 'snuff' films.

Come support local film making!



KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: indie movies, Minneapolis Event

It's amazing that Clear Channel doesn't choke to death on its own stupidity.

Take this report for example. It tells all about Clear Channels latest attempts to fuck indie artists out of their royalties.

I'm sorry, but when the FCC busts you for payola, and says that as punishment you have to pony up some airtime for indie artists, (an overly reasonable and unpainful punishment, if you ask me) then you don't turn around, and force indie artists to sign away their rights to royalties before playing them!

No. Clear Channel, you don't get to put stipulations, addendums, conditions or riders on punishments imposed by the FCC. That would be like showing up for Community Service drunk, or paying for a speeding ticket with merchandise of "equivalent value".

No! Bad Clear Channel! Bad!

Anyway, I hear the FMC has some plans to make your stupidity famous. I can't wait to see what they have in store for you...

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: Business Phenomena, Music Industry

Black Sheep is one of those films that if you don't "get" the premise, or think that a horror/comedy about genetically altered sheep in New Zealand that go on a bloody, man-eating rampage. is funny before you see it, then you probably won't like it.

Never mind that the SFX crew are the wizards at WETA, whom you might remember from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, yes the effects are top-notch, (there's even a tip-of-the-cap to older movie effects like "American Werewolf in London" and "The Howling" but the movie could have been just as good as a "B" horror flick with cheesy, lo-tech effects.

The idea pretty much sells itself - genetically mutated sheep become evil and attack humans. Humans bitten by the sheep become...weresheep.

Yes, you read that right. Before you laugh too hard, know this: weresheep are actually kinda scary. And tough. Tall, too. So don't go poo-poohing them before you see Black Sheep

The movie was great fun, much like "Shawn of the Dead"; horrific like a horror/comedy should be, and funny like a horror/comedy should be. It probably wasn't that hard to do, because the very idea of man-eating-sheep and people getting bit and turning into were-sheep is so preposterously funny that it would be difficult for it Not to work. Just showing pictures of sheep milling about with spooky music had the audience in stitches.

If you decide to go to the Lagoon Theatre in Minneapolis to see Black Sheep, make sure to stop by Bar Abilene and ask for Jill. Not only will three Tequila/Whisky/Cokes help you enjoy the movie, but Jill is hands down the Greatest Server In The World. I told her so myself, and her manager happened to be there when I said it, which worked out great.

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: movie reviews

Artistic works are never "done" there is always more that could be edited, changed, tweaked, etc, in order to make it "better". There comes a time when the artist must put down the chisel/paintbrush/mouse/etc and declare the work "Done".

This is not easy.

I'm reading through The Demonslayer's Handbook one last time, and less worried about what is written that I am about what was forgotten or left out. I've already printed 300 of the 440 pages and handed them to Xtina to read through. I'm also taking trips to several areas in Minneapolis to get some ideas for color, architecture, and such to add a little flavor to the book. Some people would have done this 'field research' first, but I think the story comes first. To me the rest is scenery, and the story can read just as well without it, as a matter of fact, too much description of scenery can get in the way of a good story or slow it down, but it helps to have a clear sense of where the story is taking place.

Also, I would like the story to be as accurate to Minneapolis geography as possible. In that respect, I have already run into a problem which I discovered on a recent 'field trip' to Psycho Suzi's.

No pool tables.

What happened to the pool tables? Didn't they have pool tables there when they first opened? Is this a problem? Do I ignore it and pretend that Psycho Suzi's had pool tables? Do I change the name of the bar to some imaginary place just like Suzi's, except with pool tables?

A minor problem, and quick to fix. In the meantime, some more field trips are in order, including the IDS building, the Sculpture Gardens and Minnehaha Falls.

Those on the list for reading the preview copies of The Demonslayer's Handbook be warned, the time is near...

KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: The Demonslayers Handbook, Writing