Wikipedia has a List of Horror Film Killers, and looking through it, there are not as many different horror protagonists as you might think. (In horror film, anyways.)

They tend to fall into the following genre categories
-Aliens
-Monsters
-Deranged Humans (Jason, Michael Meyers, etc...)
-Serial Killers (Hannibal, Zodiac, etc...)
-Undead/Zombies
-Inanimate Articles (Cars, Houses, Videotapes, Dolls...)
-Clowns
-Vampires

I was wondering why the Least frightening item on the list is the most popular.

Vampires are not that scary. I think they are scarcely worthy of Horror genre. They are Gothic for sure, and that's why I still enjoy the movies like Underworld or Blade.I try to understand the interest (more like Craze) that found it's Rennaisance with Anne Rice's novels (sorry, never read them), and Buffy The Vampire Slayer (never seen them, but I'm not sorry about it).
I will say it again, so there is no misunderstanding.

Vampires are Pussies. Lame-O. Horror-Lite.

...and I mean that in the derogatory sense. Which would you rather meet in a dark alley, a vampire, or one of the creatures from the movie Alien?

Horror genre should be horrifying! Terrifying! It literally should make your skin crawl! It doesn't have to be a gore-fest, because gross is not the same thing as horror, and it doesn't have to be a shock-fest because shock is not the same thing as horror, but it also not Anita Blake. My only explanation is that people want to have that little thrill rush which only being scared provides,but they can't handle the real thing, so they settle for Diet-Horror, or Horror-Lite.

Scare on,
-CZ

Labels: Cultural Observation, Philosophy

Albums are dead.

I love it when Lefsetz is right, and he's always right. Now he's saying that 'the album is dead' and long live the single. People can not only buy the singles they want, but they can also mix their own playlists. They play the SONGS they want, not generally the ALBUMS. In many cases, there is only one song on the album that is any good. Commercial Radio stations (remember them?) only play the singles anyway.

This is not news to anyone. I've thought this ever since first hearing the term 'One-Hit Wonder'.

So why bother writing an album? Why not just write a hit?

Of course, it does not work that-a-way. I can tell you firsthand that when a group gets together and writes songs, they don't know which one is going to be The One (if any at all). If it were that easy, the entire album would be filled with hits! Oh, the band has their favorites, and their not-as-favorites, they might even have some 'throwaway' or 'filler' songs that don't SUCK per se, but they aren't single-worthy. But part of any hit is hook, and part is luck.

Lefsetz is right that the record companies would be nothing but wise to change from the Album paradigm to the Single paradigm. The majority of the consumers already have. Perhaps releasing songs one track at a time is a better distribution method? Doesn't it suck to wait YEARS for your favorites band's next release? Wouldn't it be cool if your favorite band released a new single EVERY MONTH instead? Wouldn't it keep your interest in a band longer? Hell, by the time Tapes-N-Tapes release another stiff, you won't remember that you even bought their old one!

Wouldn't it be cool if a band promoted their upcoming album by releasing it a track at a time on the internet FOR FREE?


Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Business Phenomena, Million Dollar Idea, Music Industry

First, a warning. This is scary stuff, and I'm not joking.

Call this phone number 216.333.1810

I assure you, it is just a recording. The recording is just over 2 min long.

You can also download the audio from here, but It's much more effective to listen to it on the phone.

The clever will know the why. I'm just giving you the how.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: NIN, Viral Marketing

The Uptown Bar
Saturday, February 24th, 2007
3018 Hennepin Ave
Minneapolis, MN 55408
(612) 823-4719
Cost: $5.00
Music Starts at 9:30

The Sweet Latrines (Opener) - www.myspace.com/thesweetlatrines
The Mood Swings - www.myspace.com/themoodswings
Mercurial Rage - www.myspace.com/mercurialrage
Revolver Modele (Headliner)- www.myspace.com/revolvermodele

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Concert, Minneapolis Event, music

Upload your Microsoft Word Document to this website, and it returns useful info on readability. Below is the report for my short story, Suicide Kings....

Readability Report for SuicideKings.doc
readability grades:
Kincaid: 6.3
ARI: 8.2
Coleman-Liau: 9.8
Flesch Index: 82.4
Fog Index: 8.4
Lix: 35.3 = school year 5
SMOG-Grading: 6.9
sentence info:
47454 characters
10919 words, average length 4.35 characters = 1.25 syllables
599 sentences, average length 18.2 words
46% (281) short sentences (at most 13 words)
15% (95) long sentences (at least 28 words)
190 paragraphs, average length 3.2 sentences
3% (18) questions
40% (240) passive sentences
longest sent 112 wds at sent 510; shortest sent 1 wds at sent 90
word usage:
verb types:
to be (304) auxiliary (118)
types as % of total:
conjunctions 5(588) pronouns 11(1171) prepositions 12(1283)
nominalizations 0(44)
sentence beginnings:
pronoun (150) interrogative pronoun (23) article (116)
subordinating conjunction (16) conjunction (9) preposition (30)


Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Cool Website, Web Tools, Writing

Oddly enough, I did not buy "Dead Man Rising" for its front cover of a dark, attractive heroine; sword in one hand and a pistol in the other. I bought it for the back cover, which was facing out because someone at Shinder's didn't bother to put it back in the rack correctly.

The words "When the dead call, she answers" immediately piqued my interest. The rest of the jacket copy went on to tell of a half-demon-female bounty hunter in a futuristic/paranormal setting. At that point, my money was already spent. Then I flipped through the book, and found a glossary in the back (fantastic!) and even a transcript of a lecture on the Nine Canons of Magic, and a term paper on Demons. Seeing this level of detail in other books always makes me feel the story has more weight and depth to it. I did the same when I wrote "The Demonslayers Handbook", adding a glossary of terms and a description of how demons work. I'm thrilled to see other authors take this level of time and effort to enrich their works.

After reading "Dead Man Rising", I can say that Lilith Saintcrow is a Very Good Writer. Her work flows well and her story has excellent pacing. The world of Dante Valentine combines high-tech futuristica with a magical environment. For you gamers out there, just think Shadowrun. For the rest of you, imagine the world after an 'Enlightenment' of magic, where witches and shamans go to school to learn how to hone their abilities of spellcasting, and necromaces can commune with the recently dead. Demons, werewolves (called werecain), sexwitches and magicians living more or less together in a world loaded with high-technology. High-tech weapons, automated flying cars [Editor's Note: Don't even get me started about flying cars...] and hyper-synthetic materials. (Molecule-Drip Nail Polish? Plasteel? Reactive Paint?) All in all, a rich, well-conceived world, and Miss Saintcrow holds you in that world, never letting you forget where you are.

Miss Saintcrow writes from First Person Perspective only, which I despise, but since so many authors are doing it now, I won't dismiss a book right off for using it. Dead Man Rising is told from the perspective of the heroine, Dante (Danny) Valentine. Miss Saintcrow is truly able to put the reader into the head of the heroine, and remain in that perspective throughout the story. (Unlike Laurell K Hamilton's "Guilty Pleasures", which jumped noticably OUT of First Person on more than one distracting occasion.) Unfortunately, it is exactly this ability of Miss Saintcrow to put the reader into the head of her main character which ruined "Dead Man Rising" for me.

This is because I found the character Dante Valentine completely unlikable, and that's putting a heavy sugar-coat on it. Getting inside her head properly, as Miss Saintcrow arranges, only makes it worse. Telling the entire story from Dante Valentine's point of view only multiplies the problem ten-thousandfold.

Here's why:

-Dante Valentine is beautiful. Very very very beautiful. In fact, Dante Valentine continually reminds you about her beautiful, unblemished golden skin, and her black, Molecule-Drip Nail Polish, and how she looks like a holovid star, with her golden skin, and beautiful ringlets of dark hair. Of course it goes without saying that her bosoms are beautiful and natural, but Dante Valentine says it anyways, and...did I mention that her skin is golden? I did? Good, I wouldn't want you to forget, because Dante Valentine wouldn't let me forget how goldeny-smooth her golden skin was when she mentioned it in every chapter.

-Dante Valentine is powerful. Very powerful. If you thought she was beautiful, that ain't shit compared to how powerful she is. Sekhmet sa'es, she's a Half-Demon for Anubis' sake! Just her raised voice can wreck your house and set off car alarms in neighboring counties! The Power she wields would be devistating if unchecked by her only-slightly-more-powerful self control. When Dante Valentine isn't reminding you of how beautiful she is, she's reminding you of how much Power she has at her disposal. Simply too much for mere human "normals" (Interestingly, in "The Demonslayer's Handbook", I call them "Regulars"...)

-Dante Valentine hates everyone (except her Full-Blooded Demon Lover Who Was Killed By Satan And Died Tragically In Her Golden Arms). Examples of Dante Valentine's bitch-ness abound, but the most blatant and recurring examples involve her tagalong, normal-human-male-boytoy-servant "Jace", who follows her throughout the story like a puppy-dog, groveling for her attention and doing as he is told. Some of Jaces contributions to the story:

• Cleared a space off the table for Dante to work


• Booked her a hoverlimo for the evening, then stayed quietly at home as he was told. Good boy.


• Arranged meetings for Dante Valentine with various people, and sometimes he was even allowed to follow Dante Valentine to the meetings, as long as he stayed behind her and off to one side. Quietly. Who's a Good Boy? That's right! Jace! Jace is a Good Boy!


• Miscellaneous Manual Labor, and Looking Hot With His Shirt Off


• Researched all people on a list to see who was still living in the city


• Got Drunk and sleept nude in the same bed as Dante Valentine, but No Touch-Touchy! Because if you remember, Dante Valentine is Very Powerful, and one Powerful Touch of Her Goldeny Smooth Skin (I mentioned the golden skin before right?) and poor-old Jace would be ripped limb from limb by the devistating release of Powerful Power! Because in case you forgot...

-Dante Valentine is Powerful. Very Very powerful. She beats her own sensai at staff-fighting, bosses around the chief-of-police, and kills off werecain just as fast as her skin can instantly heal back to a goldeny smoothness. She can inject healing Power right into others! She can cast runes and spells, talk with the dead, and see into the future! She can see in almost total darkness! She has heightened speed and reflexes! She eats enough food to feed three football teams in a single evening and never gains a pound due to her Demonic Metabolism! Like Steven King said, she probably "farts purfume and shits petunias..."

-Dante Valentine is Misunderstood! Sure she's a stark raving bitch in the even numbered chapters and an erotic tease in the even numbered ones, but if they only knew about the italicized first person rationalizations, then they would know better than to..

• Disagree with Dante Valentine


• Question Dante Valentine's decisions


• Not jump when Dante Valentine tells them to clear the damn table off so she can have a place to work, and then sit quietly in the corner as they are told.


• Fail to notice her golden skin[Editor's note: Saw that one coming, didn't you? I'm telling you this isn't half as often as it's mentioned in the book.]


• Fuck with Dante Valentine! Who would dare to Mess with her? Don't they know....

-Dante Valentine is POWERFUL! VERY VERY VERY FUCKING POWERFUL! She does not age, and when she either outlives or kills off all the other Gods, her skin will still be golden and smooth. When The Devil (Yes, the Devil) calls her on the telephone because he can't breach her defensive spells, here is how Danny Valentine talks to him, "...you're just lucky I don't come after you..." and "Look here, you son of a bitch..." [Editors Note to Self: DO NOT FUCK WITH DANTE VALENTINE!]

So, you might like "Dead Man Rising" by Lilith Saintcrow if you can identify with a self-centered, egotistical bitch with the power of God herself and sexy, golden skin, who was continually demeaning to others, and then rationalizing it to the reader through First Person Italicized Thoughts.

I couldn't, so it brought "Dead Man Rising" from an 8 down to a 5. Plus, I learned a valuable lesson. Good writing skills are only half the story.

Read on,
-CZ

Labels: Authors, Book Review, Writing

I saw Ghost Rider on Friday. I've been a long-time fan of the comic, and still have much of the first and second series(es?). I see the movie brought around enough interest to revive the comic for a third series, start up another limited-issue series (Trail of Tears) and got them funding to release the Finale of the second series, which got pulled when Marvel hit hard times in the 90's.

I had low expectations for the movie, (as those who read my previous blog posts would attest) and I would say that helped a lot, because I thought the movie was great. I hear it is doing well at the box office, so I might have been wrong to rail on them for refusing to let critics review the movie before it's release date. That is usually the Kiss of Death for movies, but it sounds like it might have been a good strategy, because the bad reviews from the critics could have had a huge effect on ticket sales.

As it was, the review-seeking public was pushed more towards bloggers and word-of-mouth, which (arguably) would give a more-favorable-than-average review, and almost certainly a more-favorable-than-a-real-movie-critic review. I mean come on, it's a comic book movie, not Cinema. Do you really think that Donald Logue will get Best Supporting Actor? People tell me he kind of looks like me. Or maybe it's that I kind of look like him...

I didn't mind that the movie took liberties with the original story, because what movies-remade-from-comix don't? And I didn't mind Nicholas Cage as Johnny Blaze, although I thought I would. Cage has a goofy-cool about him which is hard to explain. I know he doesn't really act much, he's just that-a-way, but I'm not sure anyone else could have done this movie with the proper level of 'goofiness'. Johnny Depp maybe? Val Kilmer? (BTW, Where IS Val Kilmer?) Maybe Edward Norton? Certainly NOT Brad Pitt, and shame on you for even thinking such a thing.

John Cusack, that's it. He would have been a great Johnny Blaze. But Cage was fine.

The bad guys were cool, but Way too wimpy. I suppose they sacrificed quality for volume. Effects were typical Hollywood-Overdone, but hey, in Hollywood they say, "You want CG with that?" like it was French Fries or something. I would expect no less than to see Ghost Rider drive up one side of a skyscraper and down the other.

The story was just right. As a matter of fact, fighting off the elements of Air, Earth, Fire and Water is a great idea! Maybe I should write a book like that!

Oops, too late. I already did. Oh well, I guess there's plenty of room in the genre for interpretation. Besides, I think a sexy, dark, Asian female assassin who uses throwing knives and short swords is Way cooler than a biker with a flaming skull.

Way.

Sam Elliott did a tremendous job, reprising the voice and role of The Stranger from The Big Lebowski.

All in all a reasonable value for your entertainment dollar, er, eight-and-a-half dollars.

For those looking for a solid standalone Ghost Rider comic, Ghost Rider: The Road to Damnation 6-issue series is top-notch, both with art and story.


Flame on,
-CZ

Labels: Hollywood, movie reviews

A quick glance at Energy Fiend's latest info on Worldwide Caffeine Consumption will show you what I already know: Caffeine Consumption has a direct bearing on your style of music.

Iceland - Negative 6 Milligrams of Caffeine
California - 10 Milligrams
California - 168 Miligrams
Minneapolis, MN - 666 Milligrams
Stockholm, Sweeden - 1250 Milligrams

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Caffeine, music

The day of Love. Love of money, that is.

Americans have this uncanny knack for working the money-angle on any concept, even one as noble as a holiday for celebrating love. You hear the commercials as well as I do, they are all but unavoidable, and all of them with their same, sick message; If you love your female (yes Female, but I'll get to that in a min...) partner, then you need to prove it with cash.

How vulgar! How ludicrous! How asinine!

How American.

They took Christmas a long time ago. Halloween is right behind, now being recognized as the second largest retail holiday after Xmas. And now, our dear, sweet, not-so-innocent Day of Saint Valentine's, falls prey to rampant consumerism.

Worse yet, the adverts are blatantly sexist.

"Buy HER the gift SHE's always wanted."
"Make sure SHE knows how much you love HER."

Don't believe me? Listen again. Sexist. Consumerism I can almost stomach because it knows no prejudice, but sexism don't fly.

Of course, Steak and BJ Day is the outcome of this silliness and a half-hearted attempt to return balance to the equation. But it's like handing someone a hundred dollars and then punching them in the face. It might balance out, but it still isn't acceptable.

The current state of Valentine's Day has become as trite and offensive as "Steak and BJ Day"

Don't like it? Good. Then don't accept it. Don't tolerate it. Don't feed it, and it will die.


What makes me more sad is that we need a holiday as a reminder to cherish our loved ones.


Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: americans, anti, consumerism, holidays

For some time now, I've been railing on DRM or Digital Rights Management the poison with which the Recording Industry laces MP3 Files. Chief pusher of the poison has been I-Tunes. With DRM removed, I would gladly have an account on I-Tunes and it would probably change my music buying patterns forevermore. As it is, I have poked fun at I-Tunes since its inept inception, despite the fact that sales from I-Tunes now exceed hard-copy sales.

Instead of backing down, and saying that I was wrong, I came to the conclusion that I-Tunes, Napster (the New Napster), Rhapsody and their ilk are still poisonous, wretched things, and online consumers are simply too stupid or lazy to know that they are giving their money away.

Looks like I might be right.

The surprising news is not that Warner Music steadfastly, adamantly, diametrically opposes the removal of the poison known as DRM, and said the very idea is "without logic and merit", even though continuing to use DRM is like pissing in their own food dish, then complaining about the taste.

The surprising news is that Steve Jobs is the man behind the suggestion to remove DRM. Maybe he reads my blog? Color me shocked.

I think all it will take is a very popular online service to offer un-poisoned downloads, and some big musicians to tell companies like Warner Music to kiss their ass, and then Warner Music can go shrivel up in the corner and die, along with some Old, Fat, White Suits who work there.

Rumors of Amazon offering MP3 Downloads abound, and Myspace is inching its way into music distribution for indies. Mp3tunes.com has been trying this approach for years, but they are simply not adding the big names, nor are they spending a dollar on marketing. Garageband.com is doing better.

Sadly, none of these outlets will work unless people get educated about music copy protection and make a stand. New labels need to open up, working through the new outlets (Like garageband.com) Artists have to cope with the fact that their music will be traded on P2P systems. They have before, and they still are. DRM has not stopped it.

But most importantly, people need to stop being Sheeple and refuse to fund such horrific business practices. Read the damn EULA when you make an account with I-Tunes!

If you understand that the hamburger you are buying is laced with poison, and you don't care, then you can still go right ahead and consume away, that's fine. Hell, people still bought Nike after they were busted running sweatshops. But at least you should know what you are buying, or more importantly, NOT buying.

Now that I think about it, this is a good time for the music industry to iron these distribution problems out, because there is very little music the major labels are releasing that is worth buying. All the good stuff is through the indie channels now anyways.

Thanks to Lifehacker for the link.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: DRM Sucks

We are way beyond the magical year 2000 now. Turns out Nostradamus didn't know shit. The world did not end (unfortunately) and I'm still paying for the end-of-the-world party I had in 1999. (still slightly hungover too...)

So here we are in 2007, and there are 3 things that Should Be, but Are Not.

1) Flying Cars - Where the hell are they already?

2) VR - We been looking forward to Virtual Reality ever since the fucking Holodeck, and the closest we ever got was this crap. Sure the holodeck in Star Trek ended up malfunctioning over half the time, killing hundreds of people, but that's what they make release forms and waivers for, right?

3) Software as a Service, not a Product - Alright, so we ain't been waiting on this one for near as long, but I loaded up the new Adobe Reader 8 and I'm wondering how is this different from version 7? Version 6? Version 3?

What Adobe Reader changed from previous versions is to hide all the buttons people used to use (Like 'Save A Copy'? Yeah, glad you got rid of *that* useless button)and replace them with buttons that should be labeled 'Give Adobe Money For Added Useless Functions!'

For instance - BEYOND Adobe Reader? What the fuck is Beyond Adobe Reader? ***BEYOND*** Adobe Reader? And a meeting button? In Adobe Reader? WTF?

The casual user doesn't use any of those 'Value Subtracted' features, they use it to view PDF files. Let me rephrase that in a parable for Adobe:

[Setting: The Pearly Gates]

God - "Alright mortal, before you can enter Heaven, you must answer this question, and answer it honest and truthfully, or shalt thou forever burn in a fiery pit of, um... of Fire!"

Adobe Reader User (terrified) - "Yes Lord."

God - "Now, What is your favorite color?"

Adobe Reader User (confused) -"???"

God - "Ha! Sorry, just fuckin with you there..."

Adobe Reader User (relieved) - "Whew!"

God - "Right. What is the purpose for Adobe Acrobat Reader?"

Adobe Reader User (sweating) - "Um, to read PDF files?"

God - "Correct!"


No dig against Adobe. Microsoft Money and Intuit's Quicken programs haven't changed functionality in Years and Years, but they have continued to release new versions every year. And Windows? Exactly what I am talking about. Microsoft should hand me a couple million just for making this observation to them.

They have bought into the paradigm that a Software Product is a living, breathing entity, which ebbs and flows like the tide, continually morphing into new and exciting user experiences under the guidance and direction of our marketing department...

...but they are wrong. Sorry, into the fiery pit of Fire with you. Thanks for playing, we have some lovely parting gifts for you.

If you can't write a piece of software and call it done then you don't have a Product. You have a Service. If customers buy your software off the shelf, install it on their computers and never look back, then you have a product. But what we have instead is what I call Version Release Syndrome.

It isn't hard to understand why. You have hundreds of people working on the project. For months. Years. You fine tune, and you beta test, and you work work work. Suddenly, the shareholders scream in unison. The press has been notified, the preorder checks have already been spent, and the market is buckling under the stress of waiting. The drop dead date is etched in bits on the internet. There is no more time, and not enough caffeine in the world.

Somewhere a file is transferred to the duplicator. You just went gold.

After the programmers come out of their comas, then comes all the frustration of shoulda/woulda/coulda. Shoulda added this feature. Woulda got more user feedback. Coulda done more testing. If we only had more time. Here we got this big money-making-machine, and it's a shame to shut it all down now, I mean, what are all these talented people going to *DO* now? The juggernaut has only paused for a breath, and it would be SO DIFFICULT to shut it down, and SO EASY to...

Keep going.

The beauty of the interweb has only enabled this attitude. Software companies can ship unfinished and untested 'product' and provide patches later. Just slip in a clause into the EULA, and bam! You can make money today on software that isn't even finished! Game companies are the most notorious for this, but at least They draw the line on their releases at some point, so they truly are a Product. Imagine if music or movies did this! (although with DVD re-releases and CD remasters this can be done to some extent)

Like Stick says, "This is Not the way."

No. What companies will eventually realize is that software in all its forms, movies, music, e-books, webpages, RSS News Feeds, blogs, and even operating systems should be distributed as services, not products. Charge a subscription for them. In case you didn't know it, you already are, but it's just about the clumsiest system I can imagine.

Instead of trying to trick your customers into upgrading to the new version, get them to sign on as subscribing customers. Which way do you think will make more money? (And DO NOT USE THE WORDS 'LONG TAIL' OR I WILL KICK YOUR ASS!)

AOL understands this. Give the software away. Free. Charge a subscription for the service, like a utility.

This IS the way.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Business Phenomena, Inner Philosopher, Million Dollar Idea, Technology

Marilyn Manson has been working on quite a few things: Fashion Shows, Art Galleries, New Album, New Religion (Celebritarian), Marriage, Lawsuits, a new line of Perfume...

...and a horror movie called Phantasmagoria.


I want to bring back the experiments in terror, which is actually a DVD that documents the attempts of 1944 filmmakers to insert subliminal elements. Whether in sound or in frames of the film, to enhance whatever tense or fear they're looking to create at that moment in the film. I think technology allows me to go much further than that. I'm going to do a lot of things that may end up being illegal. Until they are, I will do them. I think it will change people's opinion about horror films and they will realize they're not all about slasher.

No insult to Rob Zombie; People might predict that to be the type of film I would make. That's absolutely the opposite of what I want to do. That's not an interest of mine, anyway. If I had to pick, stylistically, people that I admire – it would be Ingmar Bergman, Roman Polanski, and modern filmmakers; Takashi Miike, who made the film Audition, and Gasper Noe who made I Stand Alone and Irreversible. It's kind of a return to Hitchcock-style psychological horror about letting your mind do the damage and sometimes what you don't see is scarier.


From http://www.mansonusa.com/celebritarian/?page=3

Do you SEE now why I love Marilyn Manson? This guy GETS IT! He fucking GETS IT! I'm bored to tears with Hollywood Horror movies like The Boogyman, Jeepers Creepers and all the I-Scream-While-You-Got-Stabbed-Last-Summer clones. Rob Zombie's movies top the list - they aren't worth a wad of used toilet paper, and are almost as horrific, which is to say; not at all.

Now whether M.M. can Follow Through on this big talk, or whether it turns out to be a pile of pretentious crap like Doppelhertz... I guess only time will tell. In the meantime, I would very much like to see him succeed.


Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Hollywood, Movie News, Ubercool

The mega-block-busting Spider Man and X-Men movies have opened the floodgates on the Comic-Book-To-Movie business, and for the last few years Hollywood has been tripping over itself to get them pumped out fast enough. Punisher, Daredevil, Elektra, The Hulk, Superman and The Fantastic Four are only the first wave; there are more to come. Spider Man 3 is on the way. Iron Man as well. Silver Surfer? Power Pack? I hear a Doctor Strange movie is in production. I am already in line.

Of all the upcoming comic-book movies, I've really been looking forward to the Ghost Rider, despite Nicholas Cage. I am still a huge Ghost Rider fan, and have almost the entire collection of the original series comics. As dreary as this article is, what it is Not telling you is that Ghost Rider was supposed to be released over a year ago, around Xmas 2005. It got bumped to Jan06, and then to summer 06, and then...well, I guess they couldn't hide the movie any longer. The foreknowledge that the producers don't want the movie reviewed by critics until After its release should help lower my expectations to a more reasonable level.

I will be seeing Ghost Rider, but you don't have to follow my example. It's too late for me, but for you there is still hope.


Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Hollywood, movie reviews

Last night I saw Ulli Lommel's Zodiac Killer (2003) on DVD. Note that this is NOT the same as the upcoming movie (simply called Zodiac) which had a budget of 85 Million. No, no, no, this budget was um, somewhat less...

Its fun to do reviews of movies this bad, because it gives you a lot of material to work with. Where to start...where to start...

The voiceovers are Painful. They sound like a high-school student on Thorazine reading from a script they are handed one word at a time.

The acting is worse.

The concept is poorly based on the real-life Zodiac killer. Any fool with a library card or internet connection could have done better research.

The editing is bad. If you take your movie project shot on DV, and splice in stock footage and clips from a film camera, it DOES NOT MAKE IT BETTER. Instead, it makes the rest of your movie look worse. It's like you doing a drunken finger painting of a street scene, and then having Rembrandt paint the flowers, or you hack together a Key Lime and Spinach Desert Medley, and then have Wolfgang Puck design a lovely chocolate-carmel creme sauce for it. Then, we can't even say the movie is Consistantly bad, which means, even at sucking you suck.

The writing and directing are so bad that they fight to see which of them can wreck the movie hardest. Completely contrived conversations and lines that come out of nowhere. (I dont mean out of Somewhere, I mean Out Of Nowhere.) For instance, a book author meets a fan of his at a coffee shop, and after some chit-chat and after a sterile, stoic conversation of about three lines, he says, "Would you like to come over? And watch some Vid-e-ohs?" The answer? "Uh, Sure."

'Uh, Sure,' Of Course.

Also, Everyone in your movie does Not need a full-on-lingering-close-up-shot. Christ, are you making a movie or a High-School-Video-Yearbook?

And when your killing scenes are boring, you got a problem. At least watch other movies to see how it is done before you try to make your own.

By the way, DSM-IV is not an illness. Anyone who took basic Psyc knows that DSM-IV is a book. To say that you are treating your DSM-IV disorder with pills is funny, and it was the only funny thing about Zodiac Killer movie. Oh wait, there was the scene with the guys around the table wearing black hoods and applauding, that was funny too. I mean, who applauds at a table of six people?

There is a review on IMDB which beat me to the punch, 'the only good thing about this movie is that the opening/credits song by Pink is pretty good.'

Hey Ulli, what was the name of the pole you smoked at Lion's Gate to get distribution?

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: indie movies, movie reviews

An album for ME? Thanks Trent. You rawk.

Just in time for my birthday too.

Shucks
-CZ

Labels: music, new release, NIN

Q: What do these things have in common?

• Ninja hand claw


• Gallon of Wolf Urine


• Dead Rabbit (Skinned)


• Cleavage Cupcakes


• Belgian Gas Mask

A: They would all make Terrible Valentines Day Gifts

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: consumerism, Funny

Um, OK, Mom? If you someday, somehow stumble across the archives of my blog

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT CLICK ON THIS LINK!

Please,

please,

just

don't.

Everyone else, please help yourself. This is not really work safe. I think.


Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: indie movies, Videos

Mark your calendars! Minnesota Fashion Maven Anna Lee is bringing back Voltage after a year hiatus!

11 April 2007 at the First Avenue Mainroom.

If you haven't been to a Voltage show yet, you are missing out. Voltage: Fashion Amplified showcases local fashion designers, who have models parade their latest designs on a runway, while local bands perform on the stage behind them. A brilliant marriage of local music and local fashion. This is the kind of thing N.Y. and L.A. might take for granted, and the kind of thing that will help put Minneapolis on the culture map.

Check the new website for more info and updates.

Also, Anna is trying to raise money and awareness for Springboard for the Arts’s “Artist’s Access to Healthcare” program.

According to Anna, Springboard is also helping to establish a new non-profit- MNfashion, a resource for the local fashion community.

If you know of any companies, organizations, or individuals that you think may be interested in sponsoring, send them a link to the site, or have them contact sponsor@voltagefashionamplified.com

Even if you can't go or can't donate, you should send Anna Lee an e-mail ruby3annalee@gmail.com and tell her what a great job she is doing, supporting local music and fashion, and keeping Minneapolis from becoming a barren wasteland of culturelessness...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Concert, Fashion, Minneapolis Event, Ubercool

Eleven and I hit the G.C. Grand Opening in Maple Grove last night. We got there just after the doors opened...

...saw the line that was over a city block long...

...and went to Panara Bread instead. Hell, *YOU* go stand in the cold for an hour.

Eventually, the line evaporated and we got to experience the chaos. Elvis was there. So were ten-thousand wankers all under the age of 15, who pay more attention to who is watching them than to their own playing.

Nothing special about Guitar Center in general, and this one is the the worst laid-out of the Three. The selection of bass guitars is pathetic, and packed into a sardine can they dubbed "The Rumble Room".

Sigh.

I'm not as excited about Guitar Center itself as I am about the fact that the company feels Minnesota can support three of them. I hope this implies that GC believes making music is a booming industry here in the Twin Cities, and not that GC thinks all the rich brats in the NW suburbs are going to want daddy to buy them a Fender Strat after watching Lame-Ass-AntiReality-TV-Shows-About-Music.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Minneapolis Event

THE DEBUT CD RELEASE PARTY!
w/ THE ALARMISTS, REVOLVER MODELE, and WHITE LIGHT RIOT
SATURDAY FEBRUARY 3RD
VARSITY THEATER
1309 4TH AVE SE
$5 in advance $7 @ door, 18+, 9:00 PM

You really should come to see this show, and get there early. Revolver Modele always puts on a great live show, but this concert will be filmed, so it should be awesome! Also, we need lots of people in the audience in case Ehsan falls off the stage again, he will need something to land on...

Look sharp!
-CZ

Labels: Concert, Minneapolis Event, Ubercool

I attended the Fearless Filmmakers last night. If you didn't go, here is a summary of what you missed:

The preview for Darkon got some MAJOR laughs. I can't wait for this to come out.

The Sleepy Eye crew were there with their latest work called 'Buzzkill'. The production was good, but it could easily have been cut in half (literally turn it off right in the middle), and made better. The movie hits the punchline, but drags that dead dog of a joke for another 4-5 min. Too long of a short? I guess you could say my attention span is that of an A.D.D. teen after a 6-pack of Red Bull.

Smokin Yogi Films showed the trailers for the pilot episode of 'Abnormally Normal'. I hated it about fifteen seconds in, and it went on for another ten minutes, the longest damn trailer I've ever seen. Makes me wonder how long the movie is. Maybe it just felt like ten minutes. I wanted to say that people with emotional problems shouldn't make movies, but then we wouldn't have movies. I also don't want to say that people shouldn't work out their emotional bullshit on film and pan it off as art, because we have got great films that were motivated by suffering and loss. I think Spoon nailed the problem; 'Abnormally Normal' is a drama. I don't think dramas work well as internet shorts, and at the very least, they can't compete with comedy in this market.

Uncle Forehead Filmworks showed "Suspension" which I thought was awesome and artsy, but a little laggy. Tension was built up pretty well, but the length could have been cut back on this one too. Good effects and mood music.

Kevin Meyers showed "Intermural Glory" a really funny thirty second spot...that went on for ten minutes. I guess this one has done really well on the net. If you like mockumentaries then you will most likely like this. What tends to make or break these is the character personalities, and whether the actors can pull them off. If they can, then you have a hit, and that seems to be the case with Intramural Glory. I am amazed at the level of work that goes into this production, they are an actual intramural basketball team, that tours and is looking for a sponsor. Clever marketing.

SER International Corp was the sleeper hit of the night, Jesus Christ Action Figure (With Water Walking Action). It actually got him death threats. It also got him the biggest laughs with the audience. SER also showed a series of commercials for Butterfinger candy bars Excellent, although you cannot credit SER with these, they simply picked the best from those who sent in homemade commercials. Cheating, if you ask me, but they were really funny.

Melody Gilbert showed some spots for Best Buy which were made for the companies internal website. Strange I thought, and she agreed during the panel discussion, as she isn't an Independent Filmmaker by any means. The spots were auditions of Best Buy Employees trying out to be in Best Buy commercials. (Sorry, they weren't Employees, we call them Blue Shirts...) It is pretty easy to make fun of people put on the spot in front of a camera, but she is getting paid to do it...

Of course, the real reason to go to this Fearless was to see the premier of Ryan Wood's Fear of Girls 2. The first installment was a work of genius and a web cult phenomenon, which attracted the attention of networks and landed Wood the funding for Fear of Girls 2 as well as the launch of a comedy website later this year. Finally, a real success story about a great moviemaker who makes entertaining movies. From the Midwest. Wow.

After the films, the moviemakers held a panel discussion about the 'viral market'.
The discussion was disappointing for me. The pitch was that these people had a grasp on the viral market, and were manipulating it to make money off internet short films. When asked about how they did it, they said, "...Um, we just put it on the interweb, and uh...got lots of hits...then Hollywood called, and we partied with Kevin Spacey. It was cool..."

Thanks. I suppose that was helpful if you don't know what viral marketing is. It occurred to me later that they never did define or explain how viral marketing works. Since I already knew, it didn't bother me.

Not one mention of SEO, Technorati, or Digg. If you're trying to schlepp your .mov on the internet, then you better be a master of all three. As far as online distribution, they mentioned Revver, YouTube, and Google Video. That's it. But that is not all that there is.

All in all a good time, a few pits to spit out, but the fruit was worth it. I think what really set apart the good from the bad here was pacing, and Ryan Wood even mentioned it. Someone asked what the 'standard' length of a 'short' was, he said it doesn't matter so much if the pacing is correct. Amen. Online video shorts are new territory, and you can tell the moviemakers are having a hard time trimming their projects down. I think they need to have the mentality of advertisement commercial makers, but make sure they are boiling down a good plot into a short with good pacing, and leaves the viewer wanting more, instead of fluffing up a funny idea into a short that is way too long.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Hollywood, indie movies, movie reviews