How cool are you anyway?

Ah, who needs a test anyway? Besides, if you're reading this blog, then you must be pretty fucking cool.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Funny, Online Tests

2007 - The Year Of The Spiral

http://www.jaggedspiral.com/news.html

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Jagged Spiral

For those of you who tried out SecondLife..

Check this out. Way funny.

"Access your closet to build your FirstLife look!"
"Fornicate using your actual genitals!"
"Why can't I build a dirigible with my mind?"
"Membership is Free!"

Priceless.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Cool Website, Funny

All right, Everybody out of the fucking Internet Pool, it's time for a talk.

No more using the phrase 'long tail'

I fucking mean it. You, you, you Internet People (and You know of whom I speak) need to dial it back. I've never read so many people going out of their way, I mean WAY out of their way to use a useless phrase before.

And Bruce? Yes you, Mr. Springsteen. I see you are still trying to be the Voice of America. I told you to knock that shit off back when you tried to cash in on the 9-11 tragedy. Let's not have me tell you again, shall we? Your punishment is to go here and click on The Trooper, and listen to some Real music.

And while yer at it, write Rolling Stone some hate mail too. They proclaimed Stadium Arcadium as the second best album of 2006. I know 2006 was a shit year for music, but it wasn't That bad.

Sorry to laden you with homework, but you also should check this out.
Thanks to Jeff for the linkage...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: anti, music, music reviews

Looks like someone is trying to make a movie that's worse than Bloodrayne.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: anti, Hollywood, Movie News, movie reviews, new release

I recently became the owner of brand-spanking-new Ryobi Hammer Drill! Ah, the joys of power tool ownership! Ah, the creativity of thinking up new and unexpected applications (mixing drinks? abstract painting tool? personal hygine? home defense? marital aid? quick hair-braiding? new musical instrument?)

In a fit of un-Zero-ness, I actually sat down with the fifty page manual in as many languages which explains the details of this complicated piece of electronic wizardry.


TURNING THE HAMMER DRILL ON/OFF

• To turn the drill on, depress the switch trigger.
• To turn the drill off, release the switch trigger.

Um, candles don't come with instructions. Neither does silverware, staplers and picture frames, and some of them are more complicated than a drill. I guess the product manufacturer cannot assume that if you buy a drill that you know how it works, but why is the manual for my drill larger than the manual that comes with Battlefield 2142?

And what about the Registration Card? Does ANYONE fill those things out? Wisely, instead of a snail-mail warranty card, Ryobi provides a website where you can register your tool in 'your online toolbox'. But why would you be so stupid?

Here are the supposed benefits, followed by my translation


-Confidential, hassle free registration for ALL your Ryobi tools.
-Exciting new product information
-Special offers and discounts
-Weekly drawings for cool Ryobi products


[Translation: Hassle-free addition to our automated SPAM system.]

-Tool tips and FAQ's

[Translation: We replaced our entire support department with a computer and a 9-year old Taiwanese girl who keeps it running for a nickel a week.]

and last, but not least...

-Through the Ryobi SuperConsumer panel, you can make a difference by giving feedback on Ryobi products

[Translation: We replaced our entire product engineering department with a computer and a 12-year old Taiwanese boy.]

Ah well, I guess I will pass on the "Exciting" product information. Well, I'll let you know how it works for personal hygine; I'm off to trim my nasal hair...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: A Day In The Life

Not this bad, I hope...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Funny, Videos

Last night, I attended the "Best New Bands of 2006" at First Ave.

My thoughts:

First Ave is not the same without the smoke. Perhaps they could have a fog machine and some cigarette-flavored-incense? Is that too much to ask? Pissing in a trough always makes me feel like I'm at Renn Fest. Where else can you strike up a conversation with a girl using the men's room trough while peeing through a fake penis? You might have to pay to see that in San Francisco, but here in Minneapolis, it's included in the cover.

First Communion Afterparty - I missed all but the end of this band, so I can't give an accurate opinion. I liked what I heard, it was like used motor oil with lots of cream and sugar.

Jeremy Messersmith - With a voice Exactly Precisely like John Mayer from 'Your Body Is A Wonderland', Jeremy creates his own percussion and backup singing sections by doing live looping on stage - he records a short section of percussion and vocals which loop over and over while he plays and sings the song. A clever gimmick which turns a coffee-shop folk singer into a one man band, and certainly deserving of 'Best of 2006' status. Unfortunately, that talent is only appreciatable in live venues, and will probably be lost on CD/MP3/Radio..

Maria Isa - You probably saw Maria grace the cover of CityPages not too long ago. I missed the article because the City Pages is crap now, but Maria Isa? Stop the fucking press. Wow. Best way to describe this is Sade (remember Sade?) got some fucking balls and had a can of Rock Star Energy Drink. Or two. Think a female Matisyahu without the Jewdaism. This girl took the stage by the horns, rode it hard, and put it away wet. The ONLY act of the night with meaningful lyrics. Best of the Best of.

One for the Team - Unapologetic polished pop. I zoned out into a bizarre discussion (another blog post by itself) and missed most of this act.

The Alarmists - Of all acts this one sounded the most 'polished' and while I usually mean that in a bad way, this time I don't. The keyboard player needs to calm down though, or go play with the next band...

White Light Riot - Were clearly the crowd darlings of the event. WLR have a great sound and are well-practiced. Strangely, I didn't like their songs and found their hyper-spastic stage energy distracting.

Vampire Hands - Surprise, surprise! A truly experimental band gets billed as Best Of! I bought a CD before they even finished playing.

The whole 'Best of' left a kind of mixed feeling for me. On the good side, there were no 'Emo' bands or Dashboard Confessional wannabees, and Thank The Gods that shit is dead or I would probably give up on music forever. There was also a hint of experimentation with Jeremy Messersmith's looping and a WHOLE LOT of experimentation with Vampire Hands.

On the down side, there might have been a teensy-weensy too many short-haired-white-boy-lead-singers-with-keys-hanging-off-their-belt-loop-from-a-carabiner. I would have expected a little more diversity, maybe some colored hair or a mohawk. Where was the punk? Although Vampire Hands clearly has elements of punk, there were no real screamers. (Whatever happened to The Blue Up?? God I miss them.) Where was the metal? Not even something like progressive metal. No Grrrl bands like the Soviettes. I thought Radio K sponsored the show?


Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Concert, Minneapolis Event, music, music reviews

I wasn't aware that gamerz needed a "voice". Aparrently, the Entertainment Consumers Association at www.right2game.com thinks they do. Their adverts and website claim yet another version of 'the Man keeping us down' and suggest you supplement the cause.

Is there a demographic left that doesn't have it's own political platform? Some organization put together as fast as they can slap a 3-letter acronym on it, so people can "Make their voice heard" and "defend against threatening political activity"?

I have an idea - since over 90 percent of Americans are idiots, I came to the realization that their needs aren't being met by the government. I have invented an assocation for them, (literally, I just now thought this up) the A.S.S. which stands for Assocation for Stupid Sitizins. The odds are good that someone you know is an idiot (YOU of course, are not an idiot, YOU are an intelligent, thoughtful, bright, and uber-cool individual, for the simple fact that you read this blog.)

The A.S.S. is here to represent Stupid People, and make sure that their voice can be heard, preserve their right to be idiots, and that they receive the freedoms they are entitled to. Just send me money, and I will make sure that the Idiots of America have a voice. Because if anyone is qualified to be a 'Voice' for the American Idiot, it's me.

I'm Conrad Zero, and I approve this message.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: anti, political, Video Games

Man, do I ever feel bad. Wish somebody woulda told me this when I was 12...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Funny

Man, this is OLD news.
http://money.cnn.com/2006/12/08/news/companies/coke/?postversion=2006120813

I've been spiking my Diet Coke with a multivitamin for years. Every hardcore D&D-er / LAN gamer / 3rd Shifter / Time-To-Sleep-When-You're-Dead-er knows this trick. I only eat real food at my moms place for the holidays.

Thanks to Energy Fiend for the linkage....

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Caffeine, Cool Product, new release

Goodbye DRM, glad I could help lay your fat ass to waste.

Instead of writing predictions for 2007, I'll just give you this link. Otherwise, our lists would be close enough to the same that I'd be sued for copyright infringement.

Thanks to J-Man for the links.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: DRM Sucks, Predictions

So one of those ridiculous Guitar Center ads came on the radio last week, proclaiming "Musicians, if you have 39 bucks, or your mom, girlfriend, or life partner has 39 bucks..."

...well, you've heard the commercials. Anyways, they mentioned a sale (this weekend only, of course) Ibanez Bass Guitars were Half Off! This is significant, especially for someone I know who is in the market for an Ibanez Bass Guitar. Me.

So I bopped down to the Guitar Center in Edina. After half an hour of trying to find someone to help me, I asked them about the sale. They had not heard of any sale on Bass Guitars, much less on Ibanez Bass Guitars. "Nope, sorry dude."

So I sahsayed up to Guitar Center in Roseville. They had not heard of the sale either. "Hmm, I don't know, dude. The prices are listed on each guitar..."

Can't find it on their website, so I chatted with a Guitar Center rep online, and explained the situation. His response?

"I haven't heard of it either, sorry."

Wow, that's um, awesome. Thanks for the non-help. By the way, you forgot to call me 'dude'.

I'm not P.O.ed that they hadn't heard of the sale. I'm not P.O.ed that perhaps the radio station played the wrong commercial, or the sale Guitar Center was supposed to have was not communicated to the stores properly, or whatever happened. I'm P.O.ed that the employees didn't expend an ounce of energy beyond mumbling, "Huh, sorry dude..."

So I've decided that I want to work for Guitar Center. Think about it,
-no drug testing
-no background checks
-no experience necessary
-no brains necessary
-no motivation necessary

I honestly wish MARS music had not gone out of business. G.C. needs some competition to keep them on their toes. (And Schmitt Music? Wow, um, yeah, right, ...dude). I would much rather give my business to Mom and Pop music stores, but finding a good one is a challenge.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: anti, consumerism, idiots

Ever since computer games have been able to network and play cooperatively (I think the first one I played on a network was Quake...) I have enjoyed the strange phenomenon of the LAN Party.

For those who don't know, a LAN Party is where you lug your computer, monitor, keyboard, mouse, game controllers, power cords, extension cables, a myriad of games (and your Windows System Disk, just in case), maybe a USB drive full of games, a mittfull of blank media, chips, and enough caffeine to kill yourself and head over to your buddy's house, spend an evening trying to figure out the intricacies of TCP/IP vs IPX/SPX Protocols. If you are lucky, or have a computer science major, you will be able to network your computers and frag each other to virtual bits, or even better, team up against virtual baddies and overload on virtual ultraviolence until the sun comes up.

Strange, I know. Years from now, when "That 00's Show" comes on, they will show some geeky teen loading up a huge beige computer and monitor into the trunk of their 96 Saturn, and heading off to a LAN Party, and the audience will laugh....

Anyways, with increased bandwidth that broadband gives us, the LAN party seems to be shifting more towards the virtual lounge. Now that my friends have High-Speed connections at home, we can play BF2142 and run Teamspeak on the side, and talk to each other like we were there in the room together. It isn't that different from an actual LAN party - you're mostly making table talk, and you don't make much eye contact, because you're focused on the game.

I agree, it isn't a whole lot of fun to disconnect all that crap and discover how much dust and cat hair is caked on the back of your PC chassis, stuff it all in your vehicle, haul it across town, unpack, hook it all up, only to unpack/set up, then break it all down again, pack it up again, and drive home at some ungodly hour with your brain fried to a crisp on 12 straight hours of caffeine, adrenaline, ultraviolence and Doritos.

But I still enjoy the moments between the games; deprogramming what happened and what others might have missed. There is more to a LAN party than just voice chat. That goes for other things as well.

Can you imagine two people going to different restaurants and keeping the cell phone on the table on 'speakerphone' mode? How different is that than eating dinner together?

Or going to the movies, and sitting next to a laptop with Netmeeting running a wireless video conference with your significant other, so you can watch a movie 'together'?

I can imagine it, and that it's a reasonable temporary substitution if the other person is in China or on the Moon or something, but I wonder if people will end up forsaking personal interaction for simply the audio/video.

Do I even need to mention that myspace "friends" are no replacement for the real thing? Or that porn is no replacement for intercourse? If you've ever seen the movie 'Sleeper' with Woody Allen, or 'Demolition Man' with Sandra Bullock, you will know what I mean.

I doubt that LAN parties will become obsolete, it gives geeks a chance to show off their new hardware, and their pimped-out computer chassis. What good are green glowing neon lights if you don't go show them off?

As the technology gets better, online gaming will probably reduce the number of LAN parties, and that's not all bad, it makes the experience of gaming together more convenient, but also takes away some of its quality - like fast food compared to gourmet food, or like an e-mail compared to a handwritten letter, or a text chat compared to a face-to-face conversation.

And how will geeks ever procreate if they don't mingle? Hey, mooks have country-western bars and geeks have LAN parties.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Inner Philosopher, Technology, Video Games

I.P.O.D. (The Ice Princess Of Darkness, for those who don't know) asked me to explain DRM (Digital Rights Management)

DRM - The long, boring version:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Digital_Rights_Management
(When in doubt, always ask wikipedia)

or this http://www.eff.org/IP/DRM/guide/


DRM - Conrad's interpretation:
You can play MP3s without DRM on any player. They just work.

When you go to play a MP3 with DRM on it, the MP3 file asks the device if it is OK to play. The device (IPod, Computer, whatever) must verify that it is OK for you to play the file. It might check whether you have really paid for the file, it might check to see if the device you are playing it on is 'approved' or not, it might check to see if the company that made the file still wants you to continue playing it or not.


DRM - Conrad's lovely car analogy:
If your parents gave you a car for your birthday, and it did not have DRM, you could drive it when and where you liked.

But if the car had DRM, then every time you went to put the key in the ignition, the car would call your parents and ask if it was OK for you to drive, and it might call the city to see if the car is licensed and paid for, and it might call Ford to get permission from them as well.

So, the car really isn't *Yours* if you need permission to drive it. And mp3 files with DRM are not really *Yours* if you need permission to play them.

Really, it changes the music from a Product (that you buy and then can listen to forever) into a Service (you pay for the permission to listen to the files, and that permission can be denied by the service provider.)

Some people don't care, but music is just the start. Soon books, movies and games will follow suit, so I think DRM should be stopped before it gets out of hand. It is the media manufacturers responsibility to come up with a reasonable solution for copy protection, and DRM is not it.

DRM - More Anti-DRM stuff:
http://boycott-riaa.com/
http://ihatedrm.com

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: DRM Sucks

I'm not big on New Year's Resolutions. They're great for people who don't generally bother to make changes in their lives, so at least once a year they reevaluate what they could to to make things better for themselves and the world around them.

But, I decided I would start out this years blog posting with something special, something that would set a new tone for this blog, and turn it into something more useful, something extraordinary, a reference that people will turn to again and again throughout the year.

And so, I give you - Cats That Look Like Hitler

[Thanks Mom, for the link]

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Cool Website, Funny