Attended The Halloween costume party on Saturday, it was a blast.

2006 Halloween

Not quite as frightening as the GWAR concert tonight at First Ave I suspect.

Xtina and I took second and third place, Spoon took first place dressed as a drowned cat.

Saveau, was there, and Avindair and the lovely Geek Goddess herself, not to mention the band (Whom I can now formally introduce as Jagged Spiral)

Yes, we have a myspace page. Who doesn't, right? I mean even God has one, and He even decided to be one of our friends. Hmm... Just don't expect too much content, we're focusing on recording. Plenty of time for marketing later...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: A Day In The Life, Cool Event

I don't care much for the song, but I swear to Dog,

This might just be the worst music video you or I or anyone else will ever ever ever ever see:



Your homework is to watch as much as you can without puking, so we can have a baseline for comparison, since this is the Bloodrayne of Music Videos. Tough it out, because it just can't get any worse. (Well, to be honest, a Kid Rock video could be worse, but thankfully, noone ever sees those.)

Jim, I am terribly sorry for you that Debbie Harry is connected in any way, shape or form to this video.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Music Videos, Ubersuck

I hear this vid is getting some hype on Das Interweb.

Looks like a futuristic mime to me.

I hate mimes. Ever see Shakes the Clown? That's how much I hate mimes.

Sure, it's pretty amazing, being able to turn your bones to Jell-o on command. Useless of course, unless you find yourself needing to blend in with a group of androids or you need to pick a splinter out of your own ass. But it's still amazing.



Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Videos

"Welcome to Worst Buy, can I help you?"

"Yeah, I'd like to buy the new video game, Battlefield 2142"

"That is a great game, its on sale for fifty dollars... Thank you, here is your change, enjoy the game! Now, if you will just stand over here with your legs apart and your hands at your sides..."

"What? What's all this?"

"Um, well you see, every purchase of Battlefield 2142 comes with a kick in the balls from Lugash. So Lugash here is going to kick you in the balls to fulfill the purchase agreement."

"But I don't want to be kicked in the balls."

"Totally understandable sir, but Lugash here has paid EA Games a LOT of money in order to get this kick in the balls included with the game."

"Look, it didn't say anything about this on the box! I just want to play the game, I don't want..."

"Of course you don't sir, but if you read the EULA you will see that by purchasing the game, you have already agreed..."

"Hey, fuck the EULA, and fuck you too! What right does this guy have to kick me in the balls just because I'm buying a video game?"

"Sorry sir, but it IS a Free Market, and EA Games is a business. A business that wants to make money. Therefore when Lugash offers them money to include a kick in the balls with their product, they have every right to make such arrangements. Now, you are always free to have your balls removed, and then Lugash can't kick them...."


Think I'm kidding? Change 'kick in the balls' to 'in-game advertising'. Or read the review of Battlefield 2142 here.

The moral of the story is that EA stands for Evil Advertising.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Funny, Ubersuck, Uncool Products, Video Games

Sam Raimi is a good director. I really liked his TV work (Xena, Cleopatra 2525, Hercules, Jack of all Trades, were all fair shows, (let's skip right by M.A.N.T.I.S., shall we?) But those were TV *action* shows.

Sam Raimi has no concept of Horror. NONE. The little naked kid dipped in flour and wearing mascara and dark contact lenses (typically played back with dropped frames) was pretty spooky...back when I first saw it in The Ring. But then it was done. And like any fad, that one got beat to death. I don't think there is a single video from Asia Tartan Extreme at Hollywood Video that Doesn't have a pic of the spooky kid on the cover. I've seen it so much now, that if I woke up in the middle of the night and saw the spooky kid hanging from my bedroom wall, I would tell him to piss off, roll over and go back to sleep. Sam still thinks it's scary, and bases entire movies around his No-Trick-Pony.

However, Sam has learned about the Sting. Sam knows that there is an instinctual thing that makes you jump, or gasp or scream in reaction to sudden visual or audio cues (Stings). This will always work, but it is NOT HORROR. It is a tool used in Horror Movies, but by itself it is no more Horror than a cup of flour is a pancake. (For example, The Forgotten, relied on Stings throughout the movie to keep the audience from falling asleep). No matter how many times I pretend to punch you in the face, and stop an inch from your eyes, you will blink. You can't not blink. Like I said, it is instinctual. Sam knows this, and he thinks this is Horror.

But it is not.

Because it ain't scary no more. That's right Sam. Not scary Sam. Like Crazins. Not Scary. Like Aspartame. Not Horror.

Of course Sam Raimi will probably never realize this, since he doesn't read my blog, and since he made about a bazillion dollars off the most unhorrifying horror movies ever made. The Boogyman and The Grudge. Yes, I saw them both. I even gave The Grudge the proper environment, watching it late at night with the lights off. Not Horror. Annoying perhaps, like being on hold with Comcast Tech Support, but not Horror.

Using stings as a crutch to make your unscary Flour-Boy seem scary is not Horror. It is Startling. It is Jarring. It is going to cause even normal people to launch into an epileptic seizure. Of course it is also going to make him another bazillion dollars when he does it again in Grudge 2. Check out the trailer here. Warning: May induce epileptic seizures.

We need to come up with a different genre for this dogshit. When I go to the Horror section to rent a Horror movie, I want to see something Horrific. Startling alone is not Horror, and does not count. Put it in the Jumpy section.

Hey Sam, here is an idea for Grudge 3, just run a black slate for 90 min, and randomly drop in a couple still pix with a giant audio hit. Watch the crowd jump! Best part is the pictures can be of anything at all, and the crowd will still jump!

"Oh my God, an Ostrich!"

"AAA! Crazins!"

"Holy Shit! A little boy dipped in flour! Did you see that?"

"Oh! I think I'm having a seizure!"

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Hollywood, Movie News, movie reviews, Ubersuck

There aren't many people I know who would run off to save endangered animals, but Karrie is one of them.

After hearing about a pet shelter in Kentucky overpopulated with dogs, and PUTTING THEM TO SLEEP because they can't afford to feed them, she did what everyone else did NOT. She called some friends, they rented some trucks, and as I type they are hauling dogs back to MN, and away from certain death.

Please check out this link to craigslist for the scoop.

Any help at all that you can get them (including blog links, any kind of media coverage, donations or adopting one of the dogs) would be greatfully appreciated. Even if you can only afford a couple bucks. And if you can't afford to make a donation, please fwd an e-mail, or make a blog post to get the word out. Unlike all those bullshit e-mails that promise you 'good luck!' this is certain to at least cover the monthly interest on your karmic debt.

Karrie, you are a saint, and I bet you have enough karma built up to retire on.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Good Cause, Praise

I'm throwing out my TV and moving the computer into the living room.

Let's see, um Grey's Anatomy, or 'My Hands Are Bananas'?

The internet has all the sex (real sex, not regulated fluff), all the violence (real violence, not the watered-down-made-for-TV violence) and all the stupidity of Network Television in a twelfth the time, with no commercials. Internet wins, no contest.

On third thought, perhaps I should give up on video as a medium altogether. Maybe stick with books, music and video games (should video games count as video media? I'm thinking not, but I could be wrong) as a method of connecting to culture.

"Hi, I'm Conrad, and I play Oblivion and F.E.A.R., I like Nirvana, Pink Floyd, NIN, Motörhead, Marillion, and Metallica (pre-Bob Rock, of course) and I enjoy reading Lovecraft, Neil Gaiman, Chuang Tzu, and Scott Adams. What's that? Cheers? Nope, never seen it. Friends? Sorry. Seinfeld? You know, I actually did see an episode of Seinfeld... no, not that one, sorry... The Twins? You mean Bambi and Thumper the twins down at Lickety Split? What's that? The Twins Sports team? What sports team would have only two people on it, are they like, horseshoes or tennis?"

Oh well, perhaps my media selections are a method of disconnecting from culture...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Culture, Technology

Well then...



Right on the money.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Funny, Videos

I obviously haven't been posting much lately, but not for a lack of things to write about. Quite the opposite. School, sickness, the book, the album, the band... all combined to make September seem like an entire year in itself without two spare seconds for me to rub together.

School - Sucks. All the kids know this, and when I was a kid, I knew it too. While my thirst for knowledge has not waned, I find that classes and homework are keeping me from other things...

Sick - ...and being sick is not one of those things. Being Sick Really Truly sucks. Everyone knows this. Whatever I had hung on for a solid week and a half of misery, another week and a half of discomfort, and now (one MONTH to the day) it still manages to annoy. I'm sure there are worse things than being labled as a 'walking snot factory' but I'm just hoping it won't affect my vocals on...

The Album - Right. Drums are done. Basslines are half finished. The goal was to have all basslines done this week, Guitar and Vocals done around Oct 20th, and a final rough mix by Halloween. Like I said: Right.

The Band - Some guys go bowling, some get together to watch 'the game', some play poker, but there We were, meeting on Tuesdays after work: recording, arranging, cutting, pasting, looping, and critiquing, punctuated by the inevitible Windows reboot. We also listened to bands from Lamb of God to Blondie, From Motörhead to Ray (not to mention all the Ray Remixes).

For well over a year; just some guys who might just as well have been playing Dungeons and Dragons. In all this time, it never once felt like a band. Until last Tuesday. Strangely, we didn't get much recorded that night, just some rough tracks to use as placeholders. But we got several things done which made it seem like we were finally a real band.

We decided on a name
We listed a myspace page
We registered a website

But really, the first thing that made it feel like a real band (for me, anyways) was taking our first band photo.




...'But what of the Book?' you ask. Believe me, it tries my patience more than yours to not have the draft finished. I've learned that it writes itself, and everytime I put a date on it, it stops writing itself just so it can show me that I don't have total control over it. It can't be finished soon enough.

More to come.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: A Day In The Life, Jagged Spiral, The Demonslayers Handbook

I'm working up a costume for Halloween. Those of you who saw me in 2004 as Marilyn Manson or last year as 'the Ghost of John Wayne' know that I spend more time and prep on this pagan holiday in one year than I have on all Easters combined.

I have two thoughts about Halloween. If you are going to a Halloween party, then you need to wear a costume. That's the point. If you aren't going to wear a costume then stay at home. (And don't be like my neighbors the Jehovah's Witnesses, and pretend you aren't at home. That is bullshit, and you deserve every roll of T.P. that you end up with.)

Furthermore, Halloween should be scary at best, creepy if possible, and surreal at the very least. If the kids wanna dress up like Spider-man that's great. But we already have plenty of 'Holidays' throughout the year that are filled with rainbows, princesses, and cute fucking bunnies. Enough. Come on people, it's Fall, and the land is dying all around you. The dead are here, walking the earth, and if you don't 'treat' them, they will 'trick' you.

And you decide to dress like a pirate.

Like I said, that's pretty surreal, so that's OK in my book. But when the forces of Evil come to my door, my costume is going to scare the piss out of them. So what if I have to clean Satan's piss off my front step? I'll be laughing while I do it.


Anyway, I was just reading about the most popular costume choices for Halloween, and I noticed several things 'wrong with this picture' I will point out a few of them, your homework is to find the remaining 348.

First, why is 'Princess' topping the list for costumes for kids, and 'Witch' is the top costume for Adults? I think this says something about the American Subconscious. Could it be that all little girls are taught (or inbred with) the desire to be rich, beautiful, loved, (and helplessly dependent on some strong, handsome male figure) just like in every God-Damned Disney Film Ever Made? This might explain why 'Red Cross Volunteer' did not make the list. Then again, I don't really speak fashion. Anyone care to interpret for me?

Second, Why are 'Disney Princesses' counted separately from 'Princesses'? Hmm? WTF? A princess is a princess is a princess.

Third, Why is 'Dracula' not counted among the 'Vampires'? Hmm? WTFFF? A vampire is a vampire is a freaking vampire, and not a one of them frightening in the least. I notice they didn't differentiate between 'Butt-Ugly-Witches-With-A-Wart-On-Their-Nose' and the 'Smokin-Hot-Sexy-Witches' which is a HUGE difference, when compared to differentiating Dracula from all other Vampires.

Fourth, Why in the name of all that is flippin good in the world, why are more adults dressing as 'Pumpkins' than as 'French Maids'? This makes me sad.


Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: americans, anti, Cultural Observation, rant