I recently read about a Sociologist who was doing a study of bathroom graffiti across the nation. It makes sense really - in complete privacy and anonymity, people have the opportunity to write absolutely anything they like, and they know it will be read by members of the general public. (Well, of the same gender anyways). And I bet a lot of info could be gathered by dividing the content by geographic, gender and other divisions. For example, does women's restroom graffiti have more profanity than men's? Does gas station restroom graffiti differ from other types? Do urban graffiti topics differ from rural ones? Where does most porno-graphic-art occur? Where do the funniest jokes occur?

It occurred to me that blogs (personal blogs anyway) are similar to bathroom graffiti, without the anonymity and with a far greater potential audience. They smell better too. Mostly. The difference is that since the authors know they will be identified, they will edit themselves accordingly - most likely to shape the sense of their perceived identity. In effect, a blog post says, I want you to know *this* about me, and *this* is what I think is important/funny/stupid etc.

That is an important difference, because it means that blog posters could *lie* (gasp!) or at the very least emphasize what they want you to think/know about them, and deemphasize what they don't.

Even so, a person's blog probably says as much about them as the bumper stickers on their car, and one could (if one were so inclined) perform an analysis of a person by the content in their blog. Is the content cheerful and upbeat? Or brooding and cynical? Is it all about themselves, or the world around them, or some balance between the two?

Anyway, it would be an interesting experiment for all you fellow bloggers out there to take a look through your posts and decide what they tell the world about you, and what that could mean. Looking back through my own posts as though they were written by someone I did not know, I would guess the following:

• This person likes Computers, Under-Rated B Movies, and Industrial Music


• This person hates DRM, Dashboard Confessional, Quentin Tarrentino, Over-Rated Which Fail To Deliver, and Stereotypical American Attitudes


• This person probably wears a lot of Black


• This person is a Listmaker

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Blogging, Cultural Observation

I don't get too bent about gas prices. I actually think it's kind of funny that people drive their Chevy Grand Suburban GTXLS Warner Bros Edition to work every day, and then get their knickers in a twist when gas prices go up fifty cents. They are the first to jump on the web and hunt down the cheapest gas prices in town. Instead of going to sites like this one *before* they buy a vehicle.

Kind of seems like eating an Octawhopper every day for lunch, and then going to the gym to work it off.

Heh, Americans.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: americans, consumerism

Another fine experience with the self-checkout, this time at Home Depot, where they fired all the checkout people and tried to replace them with a finicky machine, and tried to get consumers to interface with the fucking thing.

Seems to me that they could take that person who greets you at the door with applications for Home Depot Credit Cards and move him over to the checkout lanes, but I guess they would rather pay him to stand and look sad if you don't take one. (Actually had one of them tell me he had a quota of those things to give away... Man, is that ever low.)

It surprises me that they don't have vendors selling snacks in the checkout lines, I mean, people get hungry/thirsty after a while, but I guess they do have candy bars and pop near the checkout. Is it OK to open a diet coke and drink it before you have paid for it? What if I ate a couple bananas and kept the peels for the self checkout? Would that be OK?

Anyways, I thought it would be fun to stand at the Exit of businesses using self-checkout, and hand out questionaires to gather consumer opinions. Since I would more likely be shot than applauded for such actions, (by surly customers who just survived the Hell Of Self Checkout) I figured it was safer (and easier, let's be honest) to release the survey form on the interweb, and you can print them out on a day where you aren't quite as crabby as I am, and fill them out in all honesty, and drop them off at the shops that think it is OK to cut back on staff and have you do all the work.

Download and print out this handy form:

Self Checkout Eval Form.pdf

Thanks much to WalMart (and those who shop there) for reducing the cost of goods to the point where businesses have to cut back employees and have the customers fill in for them.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: anti, Business Phenomena, consumerism

Forbes.com reports that Minneapolis pulled second place in America's Drunkest Cities. I have always said there isn't much to do in Minneapolis besides

-Drink
-Write Progressive Rock Music

(If I missed anything, let me know) In that respect, Minneapolis is a lot like Iceland, except we don't have Bjork.

While Milwaukee placed first on the list, you have to remember that they don't even know what Rock Music is, much less Progressive Rock Music. Since all that leaves is drinking, it only makes sense that they are better at it than we are.

I say leave well enough alone, break out the Didgeridoo and let Milwaukee keep their trophy.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Culture

Ordinarily, I'm against 'practical' jokes, but even I thought this was pretty funny.

A group of about 225 people decend on a Home Depot and synchronize moving very slowly and then freezing for five minutes. They got some video of the event. Classic. I have definitely had days where I wasn't running at the same speed as the rest of the world, for those who have never experienced it, the videos after the link will show you what it must look like.

Thanks to Digg.com for the tip...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Cool Event, Funny

11:05 - Called Belkin tech support. After navigating the phone push-button menu hell which was designed for those not paid by the hour, I was placed into the waiting que. The great thing about being on hold with Tech Support is that I can do almost anything and it still counts as work (to me, anyways). That includes internet research...

11:47 - The words "Your call is important to us" have burned into my brain along with the smooth jazz music to create a kind of annoying emo song that I am certain I could sell to Dashboard Confessional, I'm sure they would play it exactly the way it sounds in my head, and I'm sure I would hate it royally.

12:09 - Much to my surprise, someone answers the phone.

Belkin Tech Support Dude 1: "So what is the problem?"

Me: "The new, Belkin Gigabit Ethernet card model F5D5005 wont connect to the network switch at one Gig speed."

Tech1: "A gig?"

Me: "Yeah, one thousand Meg. It will only connect at 100 Meg. I've downloaded the latest drivers..."

Tech1: "Um, what internet service provider do you have?"

Me: "This has nothing to do with my internet service provider, I can't connect to the network switch at one gig speed."

Tech1: "Network?"

Me: "Yes, this is a business, we have a network, and the card will only connect to the switch at 100 meg. Not at one Gig, like it's supposed to."

Tech1: "Hmm. Well, if you could tell me your internet service provider..."

Me: "This problem is not related to the internet, it's the configuration of the card or the driver software. Our internet service provider can't help you."

Tech1: "I'm sorry, I can't process a ticket without knowing your internet service provider."

Me: "Sure. Fine. My internet service provider is a company called 'N Slash A'. That's 'N' as in Nancy..."

Tech1: "Could you hold please?"

12:09 - Put back on hold.

12:11 - New support person Tech2. Redescribed problem. He asked what OS I was running.

12:13 - Put back on hold.

12:15 - New tech support person.
Tech3: "Are you sure the hub you are trying to connect to is a gigabit hub?"

Me: "Yes, it's a Belkin Gigabit 8-port switch, model F5D5141-8. I have five other people connected to it at one Gig, so I know it works."

Tech3: "Hold on."

12:16 - back on hold. I'm wondering at this point if they realize that I'm enjoying the quiet time they are giving me. At least three people poked their head in and the speakerphone pumping out smooth jazz and assurances of how bloody important my call is keep them all at bay. Good thing I called so early in the day. I've completely caught up on all my e-mail, news, and blogs at this point. Even sent an e-mail request to Belkin's online tech support to see if the e-mail support might be faster, which would be kind of funny.

12:20 - Just about to try validating playing sugarcrash at work when an voice rudely interrupts my websurfing.

Tech4: "What I want you to do is to uninstall and reinstall the card please."

Me: "I already did that."

Tech4: "I know, but sometimes these things just get screwed up, and uninstalling then reinstalling fixes the problem."

Me: (internally - 'Um, that's why I already tried it...') "Sure. Fine. I need to go get a screwdriver, can you hold on?"

Tech4: "Yes."

12:24 - Tech4 is on hold as I look for a screwdriver. I couldn't find one in the bathroom, (although I did take the opportunity to use the facilities and wash my hands. Twice.) Also could not find a screwdriver in the breakroom, although someone had left some orange juice in the fridge, so that was pretty close. I settled for a Diet Coke.

12:28 - Finally found a screwdriver in my office, and returned to the computer and (surprisingly) tech4, still on hold.

Me: "Are you still there?"

Tech4: "Mmm Hmm."

12:30 - I proceed to remove the card, restart the computer, remove and reload the drivers. Shutdown, insert the card, restart the computer. The problem is still there.

12:45 - back on hold

12:48 - Another tech (not tech4 or tech1, but possibly tech2) tells me the card is bad, and they are sending another one. I can't wait, because the problem is not with the card, and I could use another hour of relaxing 'tech support time'...


Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: A Day In The Life, Business Phenomena

Not sure yet if this site was meant to scare people with the perpetual knowledge that the entire Mulitverse might shut down Any Fucking Minute Now...

...or to cheer up people like me, who can't wait for Universal Retirement.

Those who didn't think the end was coming, I give you:
Obvious Signs of the End Of Days

- Metal Emo (WTF?)
- The Existence of Marilyn Manson
- The Existance of Mark Mallman
- The Existance of a musical genre called "Hip-Hop"
- The Existance of Ringtones for The Fray's 'Over My Head'
- The fact that Dashboard Confessional has more 'friends' than Motorhead

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: americans, anti, Predictions

Snakes on a Plane has snakes, and they're on a plane. Sells itself, really. Going into the film with low expectations (and three Long Island Iced Teas) helps, but is not necessary. Surprisingly, whether the movie disappoints or not is up to you.

You could have written the review for S.O.A.P. yourself, before you ever saw the movie. If you liked the trailer, you would probably like the movie, and if you didn't like the trailer, then you probably wouldn't see the movie. This might explain the high movie rating at imdb.com. So there is little point in mentioning the acting, the FX, the audio, or the plot (well, take a fucking guess at what the plot is....) because what matters most is your own expectation.

What I learned from seeing S.O.A.P. is that I prefer a good "B" movie like Cube, PI, or S.O.A.P., over a bad "A" movie anyday.

If you and your friends made Star Wars Episode One in your backyard on a budget of one hundred thousand, I would hand you a great big thumbs up. But when George Lucas does it for a bazillion dollars with all marketing guns blazing and the unavoidable happy meal hype - I tell him his thumbs were up his ass when he could have been making a better movie.

When S.O.A.P. promises a planefull of snakes, and then shows us a planefull of snakes, I'm there to put down eight-fifty. When Peter Jackson promises the movie of the year, and hands you King Kong, I'm there to drop a black mamba in his bathtub.

In both cases, the movies would still be the same, so what's the difference? The difference is the difference between the movie being 'better than you thought', versus it 'not living up to the hype'.

S.O.A.P. delivered better than I expected, and therefore I give it eight out of ten cottonmouths.

It is truly sad when peoples movie ratings are based on how much the movie Doesn't Disappoint...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: movie reviews

Well, I hope you-all are having a better day/week/life than I...

But at least my day isn't this bad.

Then again, I'm not that stupid.


Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: americans, Videos

[Ed Note: This movie review is dedicated to pattonjr5. See? I don't just watch blockbuster movies...]

Xtina and I were walking through our local Hollywood Video, and the cover of this DVD caught her eye.

"Oh my Gawd," she said, "Would you *Look* at this!"

"Ewww," I said, and made the face I usually reserve for people who put vinegar on their French Fries.

It was pretty bad. Scratch that - it was Mega-Bad. In a bad way. The cover was something I would never have even picked up off the shelf, a screaming blue face with poorly CG-ed hooks pulling on the skin. Whatever picture you have in your head right now, this was worse.

Not wanting to judge a DVD only by its cover, I immediately read the back. Turning the DVD over revealed a much Much MUCH better graphic, Tanya Dempsey (whom we All remember from The Coven, right? Um, Right?) holding a wicked looking shiv, in a total hero pose. I read the blurb on the back - a group of cultists unwittingly release a demon into LA, and two demon-hunters have to track it down.

Hmm, sounds familiar, since that's the basic premise of the book I'm currently writing, with the exception that my story is set in Minneapolis. I'm certain that there are plenty of demons walking around LA right now, but that town is so fucked up that no one notices. If a demon popped up here in flyoverland, we would be rolling out that giant semi truck with the big lightning-beam-gun-thing, and those trucks with the fifty or so rockets on it, that you see in the Godzilla movies (Yes, we have those.)

But I digress.

The plot outline alone was worth the three dollar rental; call it 'research' if you like, but honestly I'm always game for quality indie horror, although I know that sounds as much of a oxymoron as Jumbo Shrimp or Reality TV. But, I assure you it is out there, you just need to be brave, and take chances, and not be afraid to slog through a lot of shit to find the good ones. (They aren't even Crap, they are Shit, plain and simple).

So J-manand Spooncame over, and bravely volunteered to give 'Guardian of the Realm' a right proper MST3K viewing with the obligatory 2-drink minimum.

Wow. I was more than just pleasantly surprised. The movie refused to accept indie-mediocrity, and strove for a standard movie formula. They refused to let their own shortcomings hold them back, as so many B-grade horror films do. (By adding in Laughably Bad Effects or dialog, preposterous plot jumps, breaking the fourth wall, etc...) This is the movie I think a lot of indie horror filmsters wish they could make, and I wish more of them would try. Not that all indie filmers should take themselves seriously, but rather, the specific genre of B-Horror films could do better with their budgets, and remember that fake blood and bad jokes are no substitute for good writing.

This isn't to say that the movie was not funny. I mean, come on; when the demon-slayer is yelled at by his boss for wearing too much black leather? When the slain demons dissolve into Styrofoam packing peanuts? Spoon had a good point, "why didn't they use kitty litter?" Good question.

The acting varied, but the main characters were solid, likeable and even more-or-less believable. I was able to hold the dialog in check with a small suspension of disbelief.

The plot was really good, and well thought out. Maybe a touch contrived, but then again, if the plot involves supernatural beings, you gotta contrive a bit.

The music throughout the movie was bad. Not really bad, but just plain, lower-case-b bad. The music over the end credits was phenomenal, and made me want to bust out all my Enigma and Delirium CDs... Sound as a whole was OK, a little quiet overall, and when the demons talked it sounded like someone used every single audio effect plug-in at once.

The makeup job for the demons is better than I expected. I have always preferred monster-type monsters (Aliens, The Thing, etc...) to humans wearing masks, but I realize how difficult this is to pull off without blowing the HokeyMeter off the charts, and I have come to accept the contacts/mask/fangs/makeup as a reasonable 'monster' facsimile in lower budget films. I am not as forgiving for bigger budgets (you heard me, Star Trek...)

The CG deserves special mention, because the movie has plenty of After Effects in it. Mostly the FX were OK, but the elevator scene was unnecessary and overdone, and the ending turns a little 'ghostbuster-ish' with the sky and all.

The fight scenes were top notch. Tasteful wire-work, and short, solid bursts of fighting, which accentuated the story without becoming the story, like in many martial arts flicks. (...which is what makes them "martial arts" flicks, I suppose.)

...And what of the cover? The screaming blue face with the hooks through it? It had NOTHING to do with the movie whatsoever. (Although it looks the way I imagine Hollywood would look if I told it that 'Guardian of the Realm' was a better movie than 'King Kong'...) So the lesson of this sermon is not to judge movies solely based on the cover art.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Hollywood, indie movies, movie reviews

All you artiste types: Check out this ad for the 411 on getting your art shown at the first annual Design Fiesta, part of the Sound Unseen fest.

Everyone else: set aside Saturday, Aug 19, 2006, from noon till nine at the Soap Factory and bounce on over to get your art-critique on...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Cool Event, Culture, Minneapolis Event

My step-grandmother passed away recently, and the funeral was yesterday. My step-grandfather is a member of the Ojibwe tribe in Hinkley, MN and therefore, part of the funeral ritual was conducted by a Medicine Man, which included 'smudging' all of us with sage, and 'passing the pipe'.

It was a much more moving ceremony than the traditional pastor-in-the-pulpit, rambling on some jibber-jabber that sounded more like a lecture, and even more like it was written out in advance, all the blanks filled in with the appropriate names.

Instead of an hours worth of rhetoric, the medicine man told us about a dream he had. It was not only short, but also meaningful and memorable. I don't think I will ever forget it, and I can quote it to you here.

Life is a like a path through the woods. The path is long, and sometimes people want to take a shortcut. But those who try to take a shortcut get lost, and have to go back, and start over. Those who take the long way get to the end first.

At the end of the path, you meet the Creator. He looks at some and says, 'You are ready to come with me, your work here is done.' To others he says, 'I am leaving you behind, because you still have something here to do.'

So if your're reading this, I guess you still have some work to do. And I bet it's not reading this lame-ass blog.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: A Day In The Life, Philosophy

High school reunions were invented by the 'popular people' from school, when popularity failed to follow them past graduation into their new career as a waitress/film-production-assistant's-assistant/phone-sex-operator.

So, in order to rekindle that narccistic flame of self-importance and bask in its feeble glow every ten years or so, they ask you to pay money to gather in the pleasure of their company. Their charisma. Their presence.

Their charismous presence. (Sorry)

It's hard to imagine why you would actually pay to eat with people who wouldn't let you sit near them at lunch before. While I never understood why people think you are interested in them simply because you were forced into the same building with them every weekday for part of your teenage years, I have managed to compile a valid list of reasons you might actually want to attend your High School Reunion.

Trolling - No joke, if you are looking for the hook-up, this is the place. There are only two types of people at the High School Reunion. Those who were More popular than you, and those Less popular than you. One group you have always wanted to nail, and the other group has always wanted to nail you. Bring plenty of protection, and make sure all your shots are up to date.

Revenge - Get-Backs! Remember when so-and-so stole your underwear in the Locker Room while you were in the shower? Remember when so-and-so spread all those nasty rumors about you? This is your chance to return the favor! Get their e-mail address and sign them up for a bunch of porn mail lists! Get them drunk and get a bunch of embarrassing details out of them to spread at the next reunion! Sleep with them, and never call them again! Oh yes, and definitely steal their underwear when you leave...

Selling - If you are into Amway, Mary Kay, Avon, or any Marketing-Scheme-Based business, you can't pass up this opportunity at potential clients. This includes selling of your religious views, so you Jehovah's Witnesses, Scientologists and Fire-N-Brimstone-Sermoners will have access to a new audience...

Redemption - Ah yes, let's not forget redemption, or 'Correcting the Sins of the Past'. So you've seen Flatliners one too many times, and feel the need to set things right? Well, here is your big chance! Go back and admit to so-and-so that you stole their underwear in the locker room while they were in the shower! Tell so-and-so that you started all those nasty rumors about them! Sleep with them, or buy them a drink, and get it all off your chest! Just think, all those years of being an asshole, and you can make amends for the price of a dinner!

Correction - So you were the one everyone made fun of in school, the one whose idea of a good day was finding a quiet place to sit during lunch/recess where you wouldn't be picked on. You were a misunderstood artiste, unfairly labeled as a 'freak', but finally, you can shed the labels of the past and change the misplaced public perception of yourself! You got your braces off now, and have long since traded in your DND books for a weapon collector's license. Rent yourself a pimped-out stretch SUV and a half-dozen female 'escorts', an Armani silk suit, and enough cologne to announce your arrival minutes before you actually arrive. Don't forget to work on a hint of foreign accent. Ah, the looks on their faces when you bust out a Colt .44 Anaconda Custom! That will change their opinion of you right-quick! Get ready to hear, "Wow, you've really changed..."

Show-Off - This might fall under the 'revenge' category in some cases and 'correction' category in others. But if you are doing well, there is no better place to show off your success and brag about how great you are, than to a group of people who are coming to see you and ask all about what you have been up to for the past ten years. This is the reason the popular people go, and the reason Reunions were invented in the first place. And even if you aren't doing that well, you can still lie...

Realization - If you grew up to be an average person - truly average - and for some reason feel that you should've/could've/would've done better, you owe it to yourself to go to your Reunion, and see the whack jobs who show up there. Go and see all the people preaching/selling/trolling/brandishing firearms. Go to see the prom queen with her third husband and eight misbehaving children. Go and see the Jock who used to push you around, but who now weighs over 300 lbs and the only thing he is pushing is a chair - up to the buffet table, because 'the plates are too damn small'. Go to remind yourself why you never talked to these people after graduation...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Funny, Open Letter

Less than a year ago, I had this great idea to offer a service where people could call you and pretend to be someone, your mother, your boss, your friend, your Significant Other, etc... There must be thousands of possibilities for this service, but my initial thought was that some people just want someone to talk to like a friend, maybe just to bitch or complain about things. On the other hand, they don't want to regret what they said, or they don't want 'the word to get out' and have it come back to haunt them later. So, there is clearly a market for a service employing people who couldn't cut it in the phone sex industry, listening to people blather about their psychotic boyfriends, or how High School Math is such a drag, and "When the hell am I going to use Algebra in my modeling/movie-producing/forest-rangering career?"

While it isn't quite as interactive as my idea, the popularity dialer is a great alternative.
Sign up (free) and calls that you schedule (date and time) are made to your phone. Don't want to hang around the party past midnight, and don't have any kids to call you up? You are set. Don't want to be stuck in a meeting all day? Have popularity dialer bail you out. Want to seem important with six calls during the lunch hour? All set.

The first five calls from popularity dialer are free.

I can see this service being extended to tie in with some calendaring program (google calendar, outlook, sunbird...) and calling you with warnings of birthdays, anniversaries, bills due, library books due etc.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Cool Invention, Million Dollar Idea, Web Tools

I wrote 7 pages yesterday, and another 7 pages the day before, so the end is approaching quickly. Lots of dialog and confrontational scenes. Dialog is easy and fills pages quickly. Confrontation scenes do not. Four confrontation scenes overlapping at the same place at the same time on different planes of reality quadrupally do not. Keeping them all straight in my mind is easy. Keeping them straight in the readers mind is hard.

Stepping back and looking at the work as a whole, I can say this:

At just over 531 pages, double-spaced, "The Demonslayer's Handbook: Part One" is done - Roughly.

The story in my head is complete. The characters and their motivations are complete. The timing and order of events is complete. The mythos is as complete as it needs to be for this book. The ending is written, not to mention the plot outline for the second book. The story is almost completely written, and could even be read and understood 'as is'.

There are still small holes of time to fill in, probably another 20 to 30 pages of fluff to tie loose ends together and to move the characters from one place to the next.

I am guessing I will have a rough draft that I can hand out by the end of the month for peer review. If you want to be on the reading list please let me know. Each copy will cost me over thirty bucks, so I will probably only have a couple hard copies made and then they will have to be shared. That means serious inquires only, and no lolly-gagging...

Anyone know of a good book agent?

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: The Demonslayers Handbook, Writing