Wow. This little ditty was pointed out to me by Avindair

http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/games/wowworld.html

The author, David Wong, attempts to report on the upcoming Plague of Evil poised to sweep humanity away into a digital abyss straight of out a Phillip K Dick novel.

Of course, this is the kind of stuff that makes my Inner Philosopher pitch a Levi Pup Tent, if you know what I mean.

While there is a smattering of truth amidst the chaos, this list is so full of virtual paranoia/conpiracy theory/logic holes, I don’t even know where to start! I guess I will just comment on the list as given:


1. Everyone will look like a Greek god or goddess.
False. But it is true that very few people will look like their real selves. I like the concept of the Awesome You, but it really should be called the Virtual You, or Virt-You or something (Never cared for calling it an ‘avatar’), but not always Awesome, not necessarily Greek, and not necessarily God-like. I can imagine people thinking it is funny running around looking like [fill in name of current elected official here] while some will opt for the Sci-Fi look (Hi, my name is ‘7 of 9,000,000’) I myself would choose a character who constantly changes in all attributes: one moment, I am a 300 lb black woman wearing a muumuu, the next moment; I am a bald 6-year old boy with reptilian eyes; the next moment I am a formless blob of pink goo with 1500 eyes and a shotgun.

2. All will play in the same virtual world.
False. Virtual Worlds will exist side by side on the internet like websites, or the way channels do on television. The only thing they will have in common is the internet as a means of access. Perhaps there may be ways to use your Virtual Profile on multiple worlds, but I doubt it. If Sony or Microsoft are involved in any way, there will be a Proprietary Profile required which is not compatible with any other world....
The reason is supply and demand. If there is only one virtual world, whoever is running it will charge for it. This will undoubtedly prompt others to come out Worlds that are 'cheaper' or 'better' or both. Of course there will be the ‘Gold’ World, and the ‘Platinum’ World and 'Lindsay Lohan' World and so on. Oh, and don’t forget the 'Open Source' World...

3. Someone will go to jail for stealing a Bonebiter.
Doubtful. (I am assuming the author means “someone will go to jail in the Real World for stealing a virtual item off a person in the Virtual World”) The author makes a good point of comparing the theft of a virtual item to the theft of an .mp3, but the difference is that the .mp3 has value for its use in the real world, it is a product, marketed for the purpose of creating income. Meanwhile, a Bonebiter is only useful inside the game world it was created for, and it was only created for use in that world. If Bonebiters were patented and had a UPC code on them, then perhaps the court system might recognize it as a real ‘theft’.
In other-other words, just try to get your insurance company to cover your Sims house, or your Elvish Boots Of Levitation, or your Bonebiter sword. They will be more than happy to explain that Virtual Property is not property (although this could open a new line of business for Sims characters or even Virtual World Moderators...)

4. You'll meet someone who plays an MMORPG for a living.
True. More than true, you may meet teams or even businesses who play the games for a living. It could even become a syndicated sport, and something I would watch any day over any sport which ends with the word “...ball” Good Lord, if people actually watch fucking NASCAR, then clearly there is a desperation to watch people who are good at things, and if driving 500 miles in a circle qualifies, then there needs to be an Everquest Channel. I can even see Quake 5 as a Virtual Olympic sport.

5. They'll take the "G" out of "MMORPG."
True. Everquest already has a >pizza command, that allows you to order a pizza from your local Domino’s THROUGH AN IN-GAME COMMAND. I’m not kidding. So it is a small marketing step to put a ‘Ye Olde Target’ store in downtown World Of Warcraft, where you can buy junk off target.com through your EQ account. Posters for the upcoming Tool Concert will sit on the Town Square Bulletin Board. You can pick up a pair of Lindsay Lohan Barettes +2 vs Split Ends, LL Cool J Boots Of +10 Coolness, and a ‘Please +6 WarHammer Don’t Hurt Em’... Video games will be slathered with more product placement ads than a 10 second clip of NASCAR....
But taking the G out of MMORPG is not all bad. I agree with the author that the virtual world is where concerts and movies will be shown: Who wouldn’t want to wander around on-stage during the next Rush Concert, with their Controls set to View>OtherAudienceMembers>OFF and View>VenueSetting>MartianSunset... Imagine following Frodo through the entire LOTR Trilogy World, seeing everything from his first-person point of view? Sign me up.

6. You will find yourself momentarily forgetting whether you're in the real or virtual world.
True (And a no-brainer at that.) Bring on the holodeck!

7. You'll meet a couple who have been married for years and have never seen each other's real-life faces.
I’m not entirely sure what an ‘online marriage’ would even mean, and the author does not define the term. I think the author would have done better to write, “You will meet people who have worked together for years and never seen each other’s real-life faces”. They might be engineering a new product for years in a virtual lab, or on an Olympic Everquest Dragonslaying Team, but yes, there will come a day when you can actually work for a corporation for years and never see your co-workers in the real world.
This is kind of a pointless point.

8. There will be a branch of government to rule the virtual world.
False. The author dismisses his own point by realizing that any rules to follow would have to be worldwide rules. This would most likely require the dreaded One-World-Government to administrate. Until we are capable of holding a United Nations meeting with all nations meeting amicably, this item is a moot point.
Of course the RealWorld government will use Virtual Worlds to track down people committing RealWorld crimes, but that is not the same issue.
All the author’s arguments here about virtual rape and virtual sex are contrived for shock and amusement only. This point is simply paranoid schizophrenia crossed with a short-deadline creative writing exercise...

9. There will be a whole class of wealthy people without a dime to their name.
True but a non-point. What the author should have said is that “money is meaningless in the virtual world”. Like I said; non-point.
The fact that the author goes on and on about virtual money and virtual property only shows how seriously rooted in the material world he is, and how little he grasps the concept of Virtual Worlds. Virtual Worlds are (at this point) mostly ENTERTAINMENT. People don’t really go to Sims World to work in a virtual factory, any more than people play Pac-Man because they want to eat all the little white pellets lying around. Its a game. Its funny and its fun. Unlike the real world, things in Virtual Worlds are levered in our favor because if people don’t have fun there, they won’t come back.
The magical ‘interface’ the author keeps referring to (which allows Virtual World Travellers to eat, sleep and have sex in the Virtual World) is the Pixie Dust which just shows that the author got all his/her info on virtual reality from the movie “The Matrix”

10. The rise of the metaverse will go almost completely unopposed.
Absolutely False, because this relies on #2 above, which is not true. I have a prediction too: “This author’s predictions will go almost completely unvalidated.”

Surprisingly, after raising all these points against the plague of the supposedly unopposed, unstoppable debauchery of the New (Virtual) World Order, he acquiesces and admits that he welcomes it. Weird..

As much as I don't agree with David Wong's points in this article, his fiction is much better. He is a great writer, and you should seriously check out his latest book. Read it online for free, or better yet, buy a copy. David could use the cash to take a class on investigative journalism.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Open Letter, Technology, Video Games

Yes, The wait is over. MC Hammer has a blog.

Bomb-Diggity-Off-The-Hook! Where are my red parachute pants?

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Cool Website

For those who don't yet know about Revolver Modele, you really ought to check them out. And if you don't know about the Suburban World Theatre, you really ought to check that out as well. If you haven't heard of either, you are in luck, because Revolver Modele is playing Thursday, Apr 27th 2006 at the Suburban World Theatre! The event is a wine tasting for Solovino wine (Chile), with wine and appetizers (as well as a cash bar) and the uncanny sound of Revolver Modele begins at 8ish.

Thursday, April 27th @ Suburban World Theater (Uptown Mpls on Hennepin) - Solovino Wine Tasting , wine and appetizers, cash bar also avail.
7-9pm $15
RM perform around 8pm

If you can't make that, make sure to catch Revolver Modele at Club Underground next month:
Saturday, May 27th @ Club Underground
Club Address: 355 N.E. Monroe St., Minneapolis, MN 55413

If you just can't wait, you can find their music on www.myspace.com/revolvermodele

Rock on,
-CZ

Labels: Cool Event, Cool Website, Minneapolis Event, music

Alright, for those who don't know, I am (among many other things) 'The I.T. Guy' where I work. And Lo, it came to pass, that on one particular 25th of April in the Year Of Our Lord Two-Thousand-And-Six, that I found myself sitting between two identical computers. Two twins from Dell that have never been more than ten feet apart since their manufacture. Here are the stats for those who care of such things:

Hardware: Dell Optiplex GX100 666MHZ PIII 128MB Ram WinXP SP2 Blah Blah Blah
Software: Acrobat Reader 7, NAV 10, and MS Office Pro 97
Really these are simple Internet/E-Mail/Light Office Use machines. Same hardware, same software (or so I thought).

So I'm updating the antivirus and tossing another 128MB memory in each, when I notice a significant difference in speed between the two machines.

That's right. A Difference between two machines that are supposedly the same. What do you suppose the difference was? Any IT person could tell you, and although I knew it intuitively, I now have proof. The difference was User1 had not loaded any software, but User2 did.

iTunes
Adobe Photoshop Elements 2.0
Yahoo Toolbar
Cubis Gold

That is all. But that is all it took for User2's computer to open the door for the Adware.180search spyware to crawl onboard and hose the works. The difference in performance is staggering - at least a fifty percent decrease in the speed of User2's computer for common tasks like startup and launching Outlook.

No, little freeware programs that run in the background *aren't* supposed to have any measurable impact on system performance. Sorry, I meant they aren't *supposed* to have any measurable impact. But they do.

Just realize that when your IT person walks away from the initial setup of your machine, IT IS NOT GOING TO GET FASTER. Like when you drove that 1978 GMC Gremlin off the showroom floor, that is the most power, speed, torque, acceleration, etc, you will get from it. Loading Windows onto the computer is like installing a ball hitch and pulling a trailer from the back of it. Every application you add is going to fill up that trailer and slow down the works (unless it removes other applications...) So if you load Weatherbug(shudder), and music software, and every gorram toolbar for Internet Explorer, you will soon end up pulling a trailerhome full of shit.

And then, when you complain to your IT person, "Goodness! I've been meaning to tell you! My computer is So Slow! Whatsoever could be wrong with it?" That IT person goes and blogs about how stupid you are.

Now you know.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: A Day In The Life, idiots, Technology

While I have seen Star Wars IV less than a dozen times throughout my life, I thought it would be fun to rewatch/rereview it.

Let me start by saying Star Wars IV should have won an award for the most preposterous cover art of all time. The rippling chest of the Luke Skywalker with the light saber held aloft like an Olympic Torch is some kind of bad joke. The supposedly sexy exposed leg of Princess Leia is more like looking at nude pictures of your sister. Not a single picture of the Death Star, the Millennium Falcon, Han Solo or Chewbacca. But, let me not judge a movie too harshly on its cover.

The story is really good, possibly one of the best. The plot traces the beginning of the classic "Hero's Journey" by Campbell adapted into a well-conceived Sci-Fi universe. The history and mythos of the Star Wars universe was developed before this small story of Luke Skywalker and Friends, and that adds a richness and depth the the story seldom seen nowadays. This is the kind of plot movies used to have before the Hollywood Writer's Strike, and the advent of 'reality' media.

The characters are all strong, and interesting with their own motivations, and distinctive personalities that develop quite well. (For instance: The tension between Skywalker/Leia/Solo.) Don't get used to this.

Unfortunately, the pacing is something George Lucas will fight with through the remainder of this series and never perfect. Some parts drag on forever, and then some parts blast by so fast that you will look to see if someone isn't sitting on the remote control, and mashing the FFWD button. Plot jumps in this movie would set Olympic records. The time between Princess Leia's rescue and the arrival of the Death Star at the Rebel Base is about, oh, thirty seconds or so. And how exactly does the Death Star follow the Millennium Falcon through hyperspace? No time to dwell on that, Scramble the X-Wings!

The CG is top-notch for a movie made in 1977. What was the competition? Dr Who? Lost In Space? They had nothing on this movie. Any glitches in Episode IV are negligible when compared to what it must have taken to make the FX in this movie happen. This is exactly why it is hard to rate this movie now, because it was so ahead of it's time then, but the technology is so outdated now. I heard an interview with George Lucas where he said one reason he started with the fourth movie in the series was that it was the least technical in terms of FX, and that the technology just wasn't there to pull the other movies off, but that's a load of donkey bollocks. I suspect that Episode IV was just a better plot than Episode I (come to think of it, I'm certain of it.) and more likely to pull in some funding.

If I time-warped back to 1977, I would have given Episode IV a 10 out of 10. The minor issues are heavily outweighed by the originality of the story and the good use of FX. If this movie were released today, probably an 8, mostly because it would lose it's +2 bonus for being ahead of its time.


Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Hollywood, movie reviews

It was refreshing to see a movie that took longer to write than it did to film. (Don't worry though, I'm sure that any day now, the writer's strike in Hollywood will be over...) Anyway, the genre of pseudo-noir-mystery-set-in-modern-day-California-high-school was needing a boost, and this film does it justice.

Like 'Clerks' the dialog in Brick was so articulate and fast-paced (In other words: contrived) as to be ridiculous, but original enough to be interesting. For instance, after a short chat with the principal, the main character (a student tracking his missing ex-girlfriend) is telling the principal to 'keep off his back for a few weeks, no matter what happens...' to which the principal says, '...sounds reasonable.' Right. I was able to use my Suspend Disbelief skill at +6 (+4 for indie film, +2 for the two Newcastles I had before the show) and I was only merely annoyed.

The dialog was peppered with the dialect of SoCal Coolspeak. My two favorites were 'Tell so-and-so I want words...' which means 'Tell so-and-so I want to speak with him, and 'where does so-and-so eat lunch...' which means, 'where does so-and-so eat lunch...' as though lunch rituals were a defining personal characteristic like hair color or the car you drive. (maybe they are, I just never thought of lunch that way...)

Great acting by the way, I am told the lead character used to be the leader/kid in the TV sitcom, Third Rock From The Sun, but I wouldn't know. I saw him as a young Agent Moulder from the X-Files, with mad deadpan skillz. As a matter of fact, everyone in the movie had mad deadpan skillz. Plenty of dry humor and witty banter to go round.

Brick never got boring, a perfect pace for a slow revealing of the layers in this well-thought-out mystery. Don't try to solve the mystery yourself, they don't give you the info you need. And don't let the snappy dialog or Coolspeak throw you, the movie is very interestingly shot and well put-together,(According to IMDB, it won the Sundance Film Festival's Special Jury Prize for Originality of Vision, whatever that means)

I give Brick an 8 out of 10. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to lunch. In the basement of a nearby abandoned factory. Alone. Nude.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Hollywood, indie movies, movie reviews

While I don't consider myself terribly religious, I can respect celebrating the anniversary of anyone who can come back from the dead after three days. That is quite a feat.

Of course, you do realize that if anyone came back from the dead nowadays, someone would beat their head in with a baseball bat, and there would be very little chance that the whole event might spout a worldwide religion.

So today we did the multi-family hop and managed to squeeze in some time between rounds of ham-and-potatoes to watch War Of The Worlds (the one with Tom Cruise) Not (I repeat: NOT) a very Springtime-Eastery-Happy-Kid-Friendly-Movie. The only yellow in the movie was in the human-disintegrating-space-alien-beams, and the only pink in the movie was the gross sphincter that sucked people up into it like an inverted anus. Like I said, not very Eastery, but I really enjoyed it. I actually think Tom Cruise is a good actor, but I also like Kevin Costner, and despise Adam Sandler, so WTF do *I* know...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: movie reviews, Religion

So I was driving home from work, and wanted to roll down my window. I did so by pressing a button. I didn't even have to hold it, just a tap and the window rolled completely down. A thoughtful accessory from Saturn engineers, after they had sufficiently hidden away the oil filter so you won't find it, even if someone told you where to look.

And, I got to thinking. Hey, wouldn't it be cool to have that in your house...

HEY! WHY THE FUCK DON'T HOMES HAVE POWER WINDOWS? HUH? How come my mother's 1978 Monte Carlo had power windows but the houses contractors knock together in half an hour don't?

How come when I go to leave the house in the morning, there is not a button near the front door which shuts and locks all the windows? I have never even heard of such a thing. Go ahead, do a web search. The only "Power Windows" you will find are books on the Microsoft Operating System, and the phenomenal album from Rush.

This seems wrong somehow, in homes that need to have AIR EXCHANGERS (IE: Holes In The Walls) because they are so damn tight you would die of asphyxiation otherwise.

How come I have to think of this crap? How come we haven't seen this on the Red Green Show?

Anyone who wants to run with this idea, I want two percent for coming up with it first.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Million Dollar Idea

So studios have now decided to cautiously dip their toe in the tepid, turbulent water of Internet Media Distribution. Guess it isn't a fad after all! Is this a sign that the 'brick and mortar' stores selling media of all types: software, music, video, books... are on the way out?

Of course it is.

Why bundle up and brave the cold to go to Best Buy (No, Not Walmart. Only uninformed people shop at Walmart...) to pick up King Kong 3, when you could just download it from the studio? Not to mention it will be available for download weeks before the first DVD is pressed...

For now, the studios are pretending to actually care about the Brick and Mortar stores which have been the paradigm of business for so long. They have set prices high and quality low. For now. That will change once they realize that a handful of servers and a minimum-wage employee to run them can take the place of packaging and distribution, not to mention ELIMINATING THE MIDDLEMAN.

If you are a middleman, you better realize it now, and adapt or get out. If you don't think the studios and publishers won't put you out of business to make an extra three cents per unit shifted...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Business Phenomena, Technology

It recently came up that I don't approve/endorse/enjoy/participate in 'practical jokes' on April Fools Day. I just wanted to reassure people that I do, in fact, have a sense of humor. Its just that I have never found 'practical' jokes funny. Pulling someone's chair out from under them as they are about to sit down? Mixing blue food coloring into the shampoo? Hiding their car keys?

Yeah, hysterical.

I am trapped on a planet with enough fools to make every day Fool's Day. Two examples from last week should suffice:

Thursday - I'm making a left-hand turn at a lighted intersection, and some Fool comes the other way barrels through a Red Light making that infamous "Right Turn On Red Without Stopping Or Looking" Then when I slam on my brakes to avoid taking his pathetic life...

...he flips me off.

Friday - I'm in the grocery store, and I'm in a hurry. (Of course, these things never happen when I am not in a hurry) For some reason, the store is filled with only Senior Citizens. While I have to problem with this, they teeennnnd tooooooo mooooovvvveee sssssssssllllllllllloooooooowwwwwwwlllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. So, I do my best mad dash through the store and around several surprised patrons to get pork chops/toilet brush/I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, and race for the one checkout which just opened up. Amazingly, this little old lady with a nearly-full grocery cart, whose rate of speed could be most effectively measured in inches per hour, suddenly turns into a fucking Human Lightning Bolt, dashing as though she had just downed an entire 695mL bottle of Jolt Cherry Bomb, and she was trying out for the Olympics fifteen-meter dash. Guess what happens once she is in front of me in line? Yyyyyyyooooooouuuuuu gggguuuueeeeeesssseeeddddd iiiiittttttt.......

Shit like this happens to me all the time, and it proves two things:
1)There is a God
2)God thinks that every day Is April Fools Day

When I die, I am going to break into God's house, and put Saran Wrap over her toilet, so when she takes a leak, it's going all over her bathroom floor. Then we will see how funny it is...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: A Day In The Life, idiots

Why don't car manufacturers just get it over with, and start using ear-catching names to sell their cars?

Suburu Orgasm
Lincoln Areola
Lexus Labia
Dodge Clit
Ford Phallus
Toyota Punanni

Jeesh, all that money on Marketing, and you guys couldn't figure this one out? No charge this time...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Business Phenomena, Million Dollar Idea