I tried to watch Rob Zombie's newest movie on DVD 'The Devils Rejects' I couldn't make it all the way through and I can only say that about three movies I have seen in my lifetime.

But this was by far the worst.

Hell, I even sat through 'From Dusk Till Dawn', 'Event Horizon', 'AVP' and most of 'Kill Bill Vol 1'. I even sat through all of 'Freddy Got Fingered' which held the former title of "worst movie ever made", but I couldn't stand more than half an hour of this shit.

Don't misunderstand, I enjoy ridiculously, ultra-violent films, but something was missing from The Devils Rejects, which made it the worst of the worst. After about 20 minutes of intense detailed instruction that women are only for being tortured, then screwed, then killed for no reason, (or sometimes tortured, then killed, then screwed for no reason) I simply had to shut it off. I went to IMDB.com to check user opinions and guess what? I'm the only one on the fucking planet who does not like it, and everyone else thinks Rob Zombie is a Gorram genius.

Remember those *trick* questions on the final exam, like, 'What color was George Washington's white horse?' or 'What year was The Battle of 1812?' The Devil's Rejects is a trick movie.

The movie was a test, people. A test for you to recognize crap and call it. If you failed to walk out of the theatre, you failed the test. If you failed to eject the disk before the movie was over and say, 'Hey, this is dogshit!' then I'm sorry but you failed. If you saw the movie and think it was even *ratable* on a scale of one to ten, then you failed, but don't feel too bad. A very very high percentage of people failed as well, so at least you have some company. I guess that fact was more disappointing to me than the movie its self.

Later the same day, I watched Eternal, an independent Canadian movie about the Countess Elizabeth Bathory in modern times, and her lust for young female blood. The woman is downright Evil, and has near-intercourse with her victims before taking their lives. Lots of Lots of LOTS of female/female eroticism, and shot on nice locations in Quebec and Venice. The plot is nearly awful, and the acting almost as bad as the production.

So I had to ask myself why Eternal was a stinker, but The Devils Rejects was a non-movie.

What was missing was motive. What was missing from the horrible but not horrifying hillbilly hicks in The Devils Rejects was any intelligent design (sorry, I had to do that) any real sense of motivation. Without it, the characters actions have no basis, and we, the audience, cannot judge them, or relate to them, or care about them one way or another. Perhaps an example would help:

Conrad - Hey Reid, why the hell does your dog keep trying to hump my leg?
Reid- I dunno. That's just what he does.
Conrad - Well its completely ungrounded, and without any discernible motivation. Not to mention it's stupid. So tell him to knock it off before I kick him in the balls.

(Alright, it is a poor example, although I suspect watching Reid's dog hump someone's leg would be more interesting to watch than The Devils Rejects.)

Meanwhile, in Eternal, the countess has a motivation (there are some who would call this motivation part of the PLOT) and once we understand why the countess does what she does, we can relate, and judge her and her motivations because of it. In other words, it gives us a reason to react to the film. Can there even be a plot without motivation? Bittorrent the Devils Rejects and find out.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Hollywood, movie reviews, Ubersuck

Look out! This heater is off the hook! Bomb-diggity and all dat, but I am TORN! Does the Hello Kitty Strat really define me as a musical individual, or am I selling out? How do I keep it real?

How about this?

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Cool Product

If Punk had worn a condom when it screwed Death back in the 70's, the Bastard Child of Goth wouldn't have been born when it was, and future generations of music appreciators would have traced the roots of Gothic Music back to Minneapolis, and the band Revolver Modele, who would have appeared 'a priori', without previous influence. This fact is overlooked by many other reviewers who can't seem to listen to Revolver Modele without imposing influences, and drawing comparisons to other bands because they are too (A: drunk B: high C: lazy D: all of the above) to write an original review. ('INXS? Um, they are like Cheap Trick, only, um, Newer.' 'Jethro Tull? Um, they are like Pink Floyd, only more so.')

It was a dark and stormy night when local fashion maven, Anna Lee suggested Revolver Modele to me, and I stumbled down to 'The Kitty Kat Club' for a look-see. I was not prepared for the lead singer (Ehsan) to become possessed by demons and begin thrashing around on the stage. The only hint that he still held onto a small piece of his humanity was the fact that he was able to continue singing, and keep the microphone near-enough to his mouth so we could all hear it. When he rolled off the stage and dropped, crashing to the dancefloor in an indeterminate spasming heap, no one rushed forward to help. The band played on; Mikal (guitar) climbed up onto things and jumped off them, all whilst playing guitar, his actions as dangerous as his guitar work. Jesse (drums) belted out clockwork timing, oblivious to the impending threat of being landed upon, and Natasha (bass) simply watched with all the non-enthusiasm of your cat watching you have sex.

It was then that I realized, even though Ehsan's body had now become a marionette for other-worldly forces to control, even though a portal to Lovecraft's 'Ancient Ones' had certainly been opened, even though myself and everyone else should flee in terror, we could not leave. Because through the portal came music.

The music was awesome.

Thankfully, they were able to capture that music on their latest release, 'Discotheque Crypt'. Amazingly deep sound for such a small group (Guitar, bass, drum, vox) and Ehsan has an amazingly deep voice for such a slim body. Mikal does a fantastic job of switching between rhythm and lead guitar, and from flat-out-distortion to crystalline ethereal echoes to undead silence. Natasha (AKA: The Nun) bottoms-out the songs with clean, prominent and punctual basswork, and a beautiful, catlike stare. (I am fairly certain that she does not ever blink. Or smile.) Jesse holds the songs together with all the tight timing of a Swiss Swatch, and calls attention to his drumming by Not calling attention to his drumming.

The lyrics actually make for good reading and are as meaningful as you make them; a kind of Rorschach Lyrics Test, to see what you read into them. And you will probably have to read the lyrics to distinguish some of them; the vocals on Discotheque Crypt are intentionally thick, and syrupy as if they were drowned in old blood. The feeling roller-coasters between deeply emotional and deeply emotionless, often within the same song.

You might hear Les Diaboliques if you listen to 'cool' radio stations, and you certainly should request Revolver Modele at request@radiok.org (770 Radio K, for you whipper-snappers) and 893dj@mpr.org (89.3 Current, for you old folks) For those of you who decided that anything New is also Bad, and glued your radio to 104JACK(off) a little Revolver Modele might be just the cure for you, and restore your faith in local music.

It's hard for me to pick a favorite, I tend to listen to the album in it's entirity, much like a concept album, but I will admit that 'Les Diaboliques' and 'Body Without Organs' tend to make me drive way too fast, and it is almost impossible to sit still during 'Deca-Dance' without tapping some part of your body against something else.

So if you fire up Revolver Modele at home on some dark and stormy night, and Cthulhu suddenly possesses your cat, which falls to the floor, spasming, gargling and pawing at the air uncontrollably, just laugh and tell it 'thats what you get for staring at me while I'm having sex.'

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: music reviews, Ubercool

There are occasions where I actually get more than 4 hours of sleep at one time. I call those occasions 'Sunday'. When I get out of bed (notice I did not say 'when I wake up' because that is a different time altogether) and stagger into the kitchen, I decided that this particular meal needs a name. For many people the word Brunch covers it nicely, a clever combination of Breakfast and Lunch. But not for me. Years of the graveyard shift and dabbling with both caffeine and occult forces result in a wide variation of the timing of this meal. It could be 4AM or 4PM. And the foodstuffs could be anything as well: Pop Tarts, cold pizza, or doughballs which were Cheddar Bay Biscuits leftover from Red Lobster several days ago. Regardless, it is always accompanied by Diet Coke. So I decided on a combination of the words: Breakfast, Lunch, AND Dinner.

The word is Brunner.

Brunner describes a generic "meal" without locking down any particular time, or place, or foodtype. If you work till 11PM and stop at SuperAmerica on the way home for one of those sausage things that your dog wouldn't eat, are you going out for Breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? No, you are going out for Brunner. What do you call waffles at 7:30PM? Brunner. When you make a PBJ in the middle of the night and haul it back to bed, then discover that what you thought was a misshapen piece of bread was actually an old, flattened Cat Toy? Brunner. Bad Brunner, but Brunner nonetheless.

I wasn't able to fit any part of the word 'snack' in there, but Brunner should also be assumed to cover 'Midnight Snack' without much problem.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: New Word

Jolt cola has been re-released in convenient, resealable, 695ml, battery-shaped cans, and several new flavors. As a public service, I have sampled each flavor, and here are my findings:

Jolt Cola - The original. Ick. I never liked the original Jolt, but then again, you didn't drink Jolt because it tasted good; same as Red Bull and the other energy drink clones. You drink it because the mail server is *down* and I don't care if it is 3AM, By God, if you don't get that thing fixed by the time the boss gets to the office to check his daily milflist, you might just as well jump in the car, head to Canada, and never look back...
Appearance: Color was standard dark-brown cola crossed with coffee.
Aroma: Earthy Bittersweet Cola mixed with Hydrochloric Acid and Wookie Scrotum.
Taste: The taste was flat, stale, Pepsi, only more bitter, and more sweet, and still more bitter.
Effect: The ghastly taste has more effect on your state of awareness than the caffeine and sugar combined.
Overall Evaluation: Like I said, Ick. With other flavors to choose from, the only use for this is to mix with alcohols for interesting effect and for stripping paint. Do not take on an empty stomach.

Jolt Cherry Bomb - Now we are talking. I have always loved Jolt Cherry Bomb, and the fact that it was difficult to find only made it more attractive.
Appearance: Color was standard cherry cola color, no surprises.
Aroma: Unmistakable cherry cola and a hint of tangy, wet leather.
Taste: Thankfully, the taste has not changed - Sweet cherry and slightly bitter cola with a surprisingly smooth finish.
Effect: Similar to the effect of eating a kilo of chocolate and a kilo of raw Sumatra coffee beans. Decreases reaction time to a negative number, meaning the body can react slightly before stimulus occurs. Increases eye-hand coordination along with speed; making it possible to thread a sewing machine while it is still running.
Overall Evaluation: OMFG. Without question, the best cherry cola ever made. Do not exceed .733 of one can in a 24-hour period, or Spontaneous Human Combustion can occur.

Jolt Red - Be careful, this can is very similar to the regular Jolt Cola but significantly different in both taste and effects.
Appearance: Unnatural glowing bright red. Actually glows in the dark. Glow increases when shaken (Warning: DO NOT SHAKE!)
Aroma: Pungent floral and tropical fruit with a splash of turpentine.
Taste: So impossibly sweet that the taste of smoked salmon, guava and an entire acre of condensed pseudo-fruit is nearly imperceptible.
Effect: Limited superhuman abilities, possibly including the ability to fly (I was not able to test this due to non-availability of someone to spot me, but I was quite sure I could fly if I only jumped off something high enough.)
Overall Evaluation: Dangerous, possibly flammable. Do not smoke while drinking this product. Attracts killer bees. Do NOT sell to third world countries or terrorists. Does not stain; instead, it actually disintegrates most common elements.

Jolt Blue - Surprise! I had low expectations from a beverage I thought might actually stain my tongue permanently blue, but was overjoyed when I tasted it. I was not so overjoyed when it foamed all over the place when the can was opened.
Appearance: Liquefied Smurf.
Aroma: Extremely strong odor of Grey Latex Paint and Cilantro massively overpowered by Dark Fruity Citrus and Raspberries.
Taste: Highly carbonated, Blue Raspberry Snow Cone, mixed with Ammonia and Tang.
Effect: Hysteria, Dementia, Visual and Auditory Hallucinations, Blackouts, Memory Loss.
Overall Evaluation: Excellent cohesion, bonds in seconds. Stains everything it comes in contact with bright blue, but cleans up easily with Liquid Nitrogen. May attack some plastics. Mixes well with tequila; best results were achieved when mixed one part Jolt Blue to 6x10^3 parts Cuervo 1600. Seems to negate the effects of Jolt Red, resulting in a warm sparkling water when mixed together.

Jolt Ultra - This sugar/carb free alternative was another unexpected pleasure, and a fine addition to the Jolt family. Contains Splenda sweetener.
Appearance: New Bright Green Radiator Fluid mixed with Old Bright Green Alien Urine.
Aroma: Weak Citrus Fruit with a hint of overripe bananas and seawater.
Taste: Radiator Fluid and Uranium 238, but mostly watered down Mountain Dew.
Effect: Heightened sensory awareness, body temperature raised enough to melt snow within one meter; making this a poor choice for those attempting winter sports. Causes all bodily fluids to glow in the dark.
Overall Evaluation: I always wondered what they did with the used coolant from nuclear reactors. Slightly less flavor than the rest of the Jolt family, but with no carbs, this is still a great alternative to Crystal Meth. Half life of 4.5 billion years. Contact the EPA for disposal of containers.

Nutrition info from the website (like you care):

Jolt Cola:
Serving Size: 8 fl. oz.
Amount Per Serving
Calories 100
% Daily Value*
Total Fat 0 g 0%
Sodium 10 mg 1%
Potassium 0 mg 0%
Total Carbohydrate 27 g 9%
Sugars 27 g
Protein 0 g 0%
Vitamin C 0%
Not a significant source of other nutrients.
*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.


Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: A Day In The Life, Caffeine, Cool Product, Funny

It is simply not possible to put into words HOW MUCH I hate/loathe/detest/despise/abhor the band Dashboard Confessional. They are the quintessential example of just how out of touch the music industry is with music. Dashboard Confessional is the proof that if you take a piece of Dogshit, spraypaint it gold, and put many, many layers of lacquer on it, and shine it up, then people will buy it. Sheryl Crow is another gleaming example, but for some reason she doesn't disgust me as much. Kid Rock, and everything Metallica has done since the Black Album...et-shitera... Is it any wonder that even your averagely talented 'Indie' band like the White Stripes can make it big?

I, for one, am glad to see the end of the music 'industry', and good riddance. Instead of being told what is good, we can find out what we like for ourselves. Now we can look towards resources that indiscriminately mark, tag, sort, parse, grep, query, and list all the independant sources, and we can make our own decisions. Isn't that part of the fun, to sift through recordings of bands you never heard of, and find some piece of art that 'clicks' for you?

Oh, I forgot, here in America, we need to be told what is good. Usually by the people who are selling it.

A trend to note is how trends in the video/movie industry tail along behind the audio/music industry, usually by about 5 years, give or take. But already I can say 'Is it any wonder that even your averagely talented 'Indie' films like Clerks, Napoleaon Dynamite, and Shaun of the Dead can make it big?'

Hmm. It gives one pause, but it also makes one think...

We can follow the path of consumer audio format from tape to CD to mp3, and the path of video from VHS/Beta to Laserdisc to DVD to DV. We can see a shift in the distribution of audio moving away from the large conglomerates, and back to the hands of the artists where it rightly belongs, through websites like www.garageband.com

Hey Hollywood, guess who's next? (Smile)

Of course, Hollywood will not be destroyed by the Indie Filmmaker Invasion of 2008, because many Americans still need old, fat, rich, white men to tell them what is good. But there will be significant pressure to increase the quality and entertainment value of the finished products, and to do things that Indie films cannot do, or cannot afford to do. (3D projection and interactive viewing of the finished product comes to mind.)

I'm looking forward to it. But in the meantime, we will have to suffer through movies like 'The Dukes Of Hazzard', 'Aliens Vs Predator', 'Alone In The Dark'...

...et-shitera...

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Business Phenomena, consumerism, Hollywood, indie movies, Music Industry, Predictions

Sadly, Microsoft's 'Scanner and Camera Picture Wizard' ate my photos from the Halloween Party last Saturday. There were no curse words in the English language that were strong enough on that day...

...so, I became the Ghost of a Cowboy once again for a Monday night photo shoot in the driveway.

Strangely enough, noone came round for candy during the shoot.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: A Day In The Life

Just to set the record Straight (pun intended) I am, in fact, Heterosexual. Homosexuality between men? I don't understand it, but help yourself. Homosexuality between women? I don't understand it, but can I watch? I feel the need to bring this up because I recently wore white pleather chaps and a matching vest for Halloween, and if nothing else, it should prove that I am secure in my masculinity.

But 'anti-effeminate medication'? That is some funny shit. What does it do, make you want to putter around in the garage with power tools? Does it make you want to watch old, Black-and-White War movies? Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune magazine? What happens if you overdose? Is there a reverse drug that could make you a homosexual? What if terrorists slipped that drug into Minneapolis' water supply?

And who knew that Homosexuality was a 'disease' that could be 'cured' with medication? Makes one proud to be an American, doesn't it? Is there anything we can't cure with pills? Maybe we could come up with some pills to make people a little fucking smarter? Oh, I forgot, then they wouldn't fall for crap like Hetracil....

Sorry folks, I have to stop, but this is some fertile ground for jokes, and far too easy, so I leave the rest to you as a homework exercise.

Thanks to one of my biggest homosexual musical inspirationsBob Mould for the link.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: americans, consumerism, Uncool Products

From the twisted bastard Darren Aronofsky, who brought you the movie PI, comes this absolutely depressing and horrific mess. I thought the movie PI was visually interesting, entertaining, and kept me wondering what was going on. I went into Requiem with these same expectations. However, the movie continually raised two questions:

How much worse can it get?

How much longer can it go on?

Unlike many other movie 'critics' I am not saying this to be funny. I am saying this because it is true. I wasn't sure what the movie was trying to tell people, so I made a list of the possible messages the movie could hold:

-following your dreams to excess is bad
-following your dreams is bad
-dreams are bad
-the american pharmacutical industry is no different than the street gang drug industry
-drugs are bad
-drugs are bad because they can wreck your dreams
-drugs are bad because they can make you create a movie like 'Requiem for a Dream'

The movie might actually not have had any message at all, which would truly suck, because it has little redeeming qualities otherwise. The effects, editing and time lapses are good (much like PI or Spun, or Memento) and the movie gives a good sense of 'trippiness' without being ridiculous. Other than this, there is little good I can say about the movie, other than I suppose it might have some value if it were used to teach High School Age children that "Drugs are Not Cool", or if you thought your life sucked, you could watch this movie and not feel so bad about your own miserable life.

The next bit of information is part spoiler, and part warning. There is no 'resolution' to this movie. The situations in the movie get better for just a moment, then get worse and worse and worse and they don't stop getting worse until the movie finally (thankfully) ends. By the end I was wishing for the characters to die because they would probably be better off. It is a test of your willpower to see how far down the spiral of depression you are willing to ride.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: movie reviews, Ubersuck