So I'm putting together my costume for Halloween last night, and used up almost two full cans of flat white spray paint, in an enclosed garage (at four in the morning - It is beginning to scare me how little sleep I really need). Had to hold my breath for about half an hour, and got a headache like I haven't had since the last time I drank shots of Jagermeister with the Jagerettes on St. Patrick's Day... but I digress.

Anyway, I stopped in at the local fabric store in Brooklyn Park, Harris something-or-other, and my out-of-body-experience went something like this.

"Can I help you?" asked the older lady behind the counter.

"Yeah," I said, "I'm looking for a polyeurothene-based synthetic leather, nicknamed Pleather. Have you heard of it?"

Long pause. A second woman comes over to help/eavesdrop.

"Sure."

Another pause, and a more-than-cursory inspection, not unlike my Drill Sergeant would perform just before a formation. They probably think I'm a City Inspector or with 'Americas Funniest Home Videos' or something. At least, I don't think I look like a terrorist.

"What, um, what color were you looking for?"

I now notice a third woman whose job seems to be to get as close to this conversation as possible without getting caught. She isn't very good at it.

"White," I say as casually as possible.

"OH!" Both ladies gasp in unison, their hands shooting to cover their mouthes as thought I had suddenly contracted the Avian Flu. The third lady pretends not to be shocked as well, (because she isn't really listening) but clearly catches about a quarter inch of air.

"Its over there," she said, pointing with her other hand, the one not covering her mouth.

Weird. The rest of the clientelle were buying floral-print fabrics which would work equally well for a hideous sundress, or as hideous curtains for a sunroom on the cover of Country Home Magazine, and they are looking at me like I was asking to purchase several yards of Human Flesh. They didn't even ask me what I was intending to use two yards of white pleather for.

Then they would have had the right to be shocked.

Heh.

Strap on,
-C

Labels: A Day In The Life

Come on now, if you go to see DOOM and you are disappointed, then you are an idiot. Go with no expectations at all, and then there is no way you can be disappointed. Remember, if it truly sucks so badly that you would rather watch a double feature of The English Patient and Legends of the Fall, just remember that you can always walk out during the movie, and trade your ticket for the next Serenity showing. And save your bitchy-whining-blog-post for people less intelligent than yourself. (If there are any.)

This movie was Surprisingly Good in the way that 'Alone In The Dark' was Surprisingly Bad. It helped that the preview for DOOM was poorly done to start with. The First-Person-Shooter-View which was emphasized in the preview made up a very small (and very humorous) part of the movie. From the preview, you might have guessed the entire movie was simply a recorded video game, but the FPS view was about five minutes, tops, and all in one giant snippet, and one of the funniest parts of the movie, so no worries.

The FX were really good, and like the movie 'Aliens' they don't show the monsters right away. They did a good job in building a suspenseful environment that is such a crucial part of the game's success. The movie did not rely on a ton of CG, which I appreciated.

The plot (yes, there was a plot) was just enough to hold the action together, and keep characters moving from place to place (much like either of the Resident Evil movies). This is above and beyond what a film like DOOM requires, and I for one was pleasantly surprised by it. Don't expect the story to follow the premise of the game.

The ringing endorsement came from Xtina, who said it best: "It wasn't that awful"

Blog on,
-C

Labels: movie reviews

[NOTE: This post is re-written for entry to the Citypages Critic of the Year Contest:]


NIN Concert Review – 11 Rocktober, 2005

After washing away the blood and sweat (some of it my own) left behind after an evening with Trent Reznor, et al. I am ready to give a reasonable recounting of the Nine Inch Nails concert at the Xcel Energy Center.

The venue: Two words; Fuh Sillities. Plenty of places to load up and unload your bladder. Clean clean clean. Fantastic sound system. Well done.

The crowd: I have been to all NIN concerts here in MN since the Downward Spiral tour, and the crowd has changed substantially over the years. Very few in the crowd wore the faded black gang colors of my industrial/goth brethren. Many of them look like people you stood in line next to at Rainbow last week. Ages ran the gamut.

The show: Trent Reznor does not talk much in concert. He does not take requests. He does not care if you mosh while he plays peaceful, minimalist movements like “Right Where It Belongs”. He does not care if you stand unmoving and transfixed, your lighter in the air during “Hurt”. He does not care if the crowd sings the chorus to “Terrible Lie” so loudly that he does not have to. He does not care if you cower in fear for your life while the crowd becomes blissfully suicidal during the encore, “Bite The Hand That Feeds”.

He does not care. Period. The man is pissed off and willing to share, and hardly mellowed with age. His anger is still contagious and therapeutic. This is church for me and many others. Hallelujah.

Conrad Zero

Labels: Concert, music reviews, NIN, Open Letter

I was recently approached by a fledgling non-profit organization who wanted me to set up Audio and Video for their Inaugural Launch meeting: five microphones through a mixing board to a house PA system, and live video pushed to monitors in another section of the facility. Why is this funny?

The group is Minnesota Women in Film and Television:

a fledgling non-profit organization set up by 40 women taking a pro-active approach to helping women seek success in the male-dominated film and television industry.

hmm...

Don't get me wrong, I am all for groups wanting to help others "seek success" (even if they are blatantly sexist) Not to mention the person who started the organization is a personal acquantance of mine, and a former news celebrity. I would gladly help them if I could, and if they had a webpage I would gladly link to it.

But 40 women who want to seek success in the film and TV industry and none of them can work a mixing board? So they hire a mook to do it? Why is that funny?

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Funny, idiots

There are two kinds of Rules which Society makes up for themselves to follow. Some call them Agreements, others call them Paradigms, I call them Rules, and there are two kinds: Fake Rules (Opinions, or Rules of Normalcy) and Real Rules (Laws, or Rules of Peace).

The Fake Rules are opinions, and generally have to do with what is 'appropriate' or 'normal' (Don't wear white after Labor Day, blue is for boys and pink is for girls, old people are useless, young people are stupid, K-Swiss is cool, Levi's are not, bumper stickers promote change...) any stereotype you can think of also falls into this category.

I am very familiar with breaking the Fake Rules. It is my philosophy for a good life to prove the Fake Rules wrong by breaking as many of them as you can, as often as possible, make fun of them, and the people who blindly belive in them. Why? Because it drives a wedge between the Fake Rules and the Real ones, and forces people to see the difference. The disapproving looks and comments I get about my appearance and actions are feedback that tell me that I do a pretty good job at it.

It goes without saying that sometimes Society has it's collective head clearly, squarely up it's collective ass, but not all of Society's Rules are bad ones. There are certain Rules we have to agree upon to live together on this planet in Peace. These are the Real Rules; more easily identified when passed into Laws. These are the rules which allow us to live in cities without walls and moats around them. I'm pretty sure one of those rules is to Not Rob Families' Homes At Gunpoint.

However,

On the night of Tuesday, October 11th, near midnight, sometime while I was writing up my blog post for the Nine Inch Nails show, three masked men decided to break the rules, and robbed my neighbor's home at gunpoint. My next-door neighbor. If I didn't have the fan on in this very room at that very time, I probably would have heard them kick down the door.

I'm sure those three criminals live by a different rule - a rule in which Peace is not the overreaching goal. A rule which you might know better as "Might Makes Right". A rule in which tying up a ten-year-old daughter, and kicking her father in the head repeatedly until he was bleeding and unconsious is OK. Then, forcing her mother to show them where all the valuables in the house are, loading up their car, and stealing that as well? That's OK too. Why? Because they had the guns, That's why. Because Might Makes Right.

In some seven minute period of Tuesday night, while I sat reflecting and blissfully blogging my experiences at the Nine Inch Nails concert, my neighbors went through a hell I cannot imagine, less than fifty feet away. Three people who broke the Real Rules have deeply changed not only the lives of that family, but everyone on this block. Everyone is re-evaluating their home security, inventory, insurance, and most likely, their Last Will and Testament. Everyone is contemplating what they might do in that situation, and none of us knows the answer unless it actually happens.

To those three criminals who choose to break the Rules of Peace: be warned. The Agreement works both ways, and now Society is no longer bound by those Rules when dealing with you. Society is now free to step down to your level. As a matter of fact, at this very moment, Society is gathering money and pooling it into an organization specifically designed to hunt you down and punish you. And they are good at it, they do it for a living.

Just remember, we gave you the chance to live in Peace, and you chose "Might Makes Right". But you forgot; we are bigger than you, and we have more guns. We have professionals working round the clock to find you, prowling the streets in cars with the word 'Police' on the side. Might Makes Right. Are you scared? You should be.

Rule on,
-C

Labels: A Day In The Life

Christina and I just returned home from attending the gala event of Trent Reznor, et al., and after washing the blood and sweat from my body (some of it my own) I am ready to give a reasonable recounting for those who have never experienced the "Minnesota Mosh"

Through some strange Ticketmaster Computer Glitch of Fate, we ended up with two tickets to the main floor of the concert at the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul. We arrived during the Queens of the Stone Age set, and had some drinks and took to the floor during the intermission. I let Christina pick our spot; I was just happy to be so close - Usually I end up with seats so high up you get a better view by looking over the shoulder of the guy in the next row, who is using his cell phone to view lo-res still pix being posted to the Interweb by some drunk guy in the twentieth row. Little did I know Christina would march us up to front-and-center, about 15-20 rows back from the front line.

Of course, this is where the mosh pit broke out. So I got two shows for the price of one, and I can't say which was more visually entertaining. I did learn more about the Mosh, and identified several helpful tidbits to help you if you are at a Lutheran Potluck and a Mosh breaks out.

First, the people not wearing shirts (usually male) are Professionals. Watch them, they know what they are doing, and tend to enforce the rules.

Second, The Circle usually spins widdershins (anti-clockwise).

Third, It is OK to run full-tilt-out-of-control straight into another person, but punching or kicking them is frowned upon.

Fourth, If you knock anyone over, help them back up.

Fifth, If anyone passes out or gets knocked out, (or if you don't really like them), 'put them up' which means to raise them up so the crowd gets them body surfing, then Security will quickly haul them out, as body surfing is not allowed.

As far as NIN, they were awesome with one exception. I would have loved to believe that Trent just lives and breathes for touring, but I know that he doesn't. There is something to be said for the days when you couldn't be informed about the artist's personal life to know that they are having management or financial troubles, or just had a shitty day, unless you read it in Rolling Stone. As it were, I knew that his previous drummer was off the tour due to health problems, well, maybe it gave Trent more fuel to burn, because the concert was spectacular. The show was awesome, and I was even closer to Trent than when I visited his home in New Orleans' French Quarter, two years ago.

It is funny to watch a angry moshing group try to hold the slam dance together when Trent shifts to his more ambient, passive movements. Make that Really Funny.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: A Day In The Life, Concert, music reviews, NIN

I made up a new word today:

Presactly

A hybrid of 'Precisely' and 'Exactly'

You heard it here first. And now, on to making up swear words. I suspect I will need some tonight on the main floor of Xcel Energy Center whilst watching NIN...
-C

Labels: New Word

This was a surprise to me. I took the test twice to make sure...
-C

You scored as River Tam. The Fugitive. You are clever and dangerous, which is a nasty combination. The fact you are crazy too just adds to your charm. They did bad things to you, but you know their secrets. They will regret how they made you. Capt. Mal Reynolds 88% River Tam 88% The Operative 75% Zoe Alleyne Washburne 75% Inara Serra 75% Hoban 'Wash' Washburne 75% Kaylee Frye 69% Simon Tam 56% Shepherd Derrial Book 44% Jayne Cobb 44% Which Serenity character are you? created with QuizFarm.com

Labels: Online Tests

As I warned, the Revolver Modele CD Release party was last Saturday night at the Turf Club. If you missed it, then I guess you missed it. Openings bands were Solid Gold and The Deaths.

SOLID GOLD - There is a prevailing theory that, "If it's too loud, then your'e too old" and I used to agree with that. But now that I'm old, I don't believe it anymore. (If you have ever seen Motorhead live, then you know what I'm talking about.) I have seen many bands cover up mediocrity with volume, and such is the case with Solid Gold's performance last Saturday. This three piece (guitar, guitar, and bass) play along to a drum loop (similar to the Melodious Owls) and pull off a decent sound of drinking/dancing music that would be well received at your wedding reception; a mix of boy-rock and disco that would have been much better if it were a little quieter. The rule of thumb is that the opening bands should NEVER be louder than the main act, unless you are opening for Enya. The band members were quite shy, and often did not face the audience. It is not easy to "not face the audience" from a thrust stage, and requires staring at the interesting blinking light panel behind them, since there is no drummer. (Fashion tip: If you are going to have your backside to the audience, and you are going to sag, make sure to wear clean and possibly even interesting underwear.) The songs were good, and they are all quite talented, but the songs got boring/repetitive after a bit, they really need to have the rhythm pattern broken up. Better yet, get a real drummer. I would like to see a band with a real drummer and a "Guitarist In A Box"...

THE DEATHS - More than once I have explained The Deaths music as "The Moody Blues as a Garage Band". These guys were more relaxed than Solid Gold, but seemed less focused, and their performance was not as tight as their the 2005 Voltage: Fashion Amplified show. I would expect more gloomy music from a band called The Deaths. As it is, their music is casual, and non-offensive. They could use a bit of energy on stage, or dancers or props... I missed some of the Deaths performance, as I was tracking down each Revolver Modele band member to get them to sign the CD.

REVOLVER MODELE - Flat out professional showmanship is the phrase I would use. These four are great, and they don't need much room to get their "stage antics" on. I love the contrast of the absolutely insane lead singer (Ehsan) and guitarist (Mikal) and the completely stoic drummer (Jesse) and bassist (Natasha, AKA: The Nun) While Revolver Modele lyrics are always drowned in syrup, it was truly impossible to make out a single word Ehsan said throughout the show, even when covering New Order's "Blue Monday". The mix could have used a touch of EQ to bring out the vocals. These guys really should be national acts. Their performance was awesome, but too short.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: Concert, Minneapolis Event, music, new release