Alright, so I don't like spiders. There is a simple rule in my house:

if (creature.legs > 4) then KillItToDeath(fast);

Being that spiders have more than four legs, the outcome of any event of spiders in my house should be obvious. I've never had to worry about applying the rule outside of my home until this week.

I first noticed single strands of webbing in my car on the daily commute last week. A new single strand every day. Fine. I'm not going to waste my time looking for it. I figured that if multiple listenings to the preproduction copy of 'Days From Evil' didn't kill it, the extended holiday weekend would. So, I left my black car with the black interior parked outside in the sun, with the windows up all weekend long.

"Live through *that*," I thought to myself.

Something did.

I was cruising back from Caribou Coffee today when I saw it. A spider. A big spider. I mean, like Big, OK? And he was hungry from the lack of food, deranged from all the heat, and pissed off from going cold-turkey off a Jagged Spiral binge.

Hungry, Deranged and Pissed.

And BIG.

Of course, I did what any rational person would do. I leaped at it.

OMFG! ITS FUCKING HUGE! I've only seen spiders that big in the movies! WHERE'S MY GUN?!!!

As I wrestled with the mutant spider in the backseat (My ColdPress Coffee in one hand and steering the car with my foot, thank you very much). Other drivers on the highway were, shall we say, Not Impressed with my ability to multitask. Thankfully, I had the windows open, and yelled at the nearest car,

"Help! Help! Call 911! I'm being carjacked by an Arachnid! The pistol isn't big enough! Someone throw me a Nailgun!"

Of all the days Not to bring my fucking Nailgun. If we were in California, someone would have passed me a shotgun or harpoon gun or something. But here in Minnesota, you yell for help and people just pretend not to hear you.

Did I mention it was Fast too? Yes, it was Hungry, Deranged, Pissed-Off and Quick spider. And BIG. Did I mention it had a tattoo of a person on it's leg? I mean, it was fracking XXL.

The damned thing got away too. I barely escaped with my coffee, although I really didn't need it after a refreshing wrestle with a giant spider.

I've decided to burn the car and walk home. I'm also taking up Tae Kwon Do again. My next car will have a handy place to keep a spare nailgun.


KTHXBYE,
-CZ

Labels: A Day In The Life, Funny