Dear Mr Sessions, thank you for sending me the copy of your movie "Dead Clowns" to review here on conradzero.com. You have heard correctly, I really enjoy reviewing quality low-budget horror films, and upon review of your feature film, I can say without a doubt that it was certainly, um, low-budget.

Where should I start...how about the sound? I thought it was interesting the way you added a heavy reverb to all ambient sound effects in the movie, as though they were recorded in a subway tunnel, but left the vocals dry. Can't say I've heard this done before, but it certainly made the sound, um, unique.

Another interesting aspect of the sound was your choice to make sounds that were far away from the camera louder than those that were close to the camera. For instance, the sound of rain outside the hotel room was louder than the dialog of the people talking to each other an arm's length apart, and in some cases, their dialog was nearly inaudible. A wise choice, as most of the dialog was unimportant and pretty bad. Did you actually make the actors read the script for the first time right there on camera? It explains why most of the dialog sounded so unnatural and contrived, and definitely added to the 'indie' feel of your movie.

The multiple plot threads were a nice touch. It was refreshing to see that for the most part, they never really meshed together into any form of a coherent 'whole'; a process I agree is overused in Hollywood, and you will no doubt be hailed as a visionary for abandoning it. Leaving the audience to contemplate just why those other people were in the movie at all is sheer genius. Making the audience think? Who does that anymore?

I liked your twist on the classic revenge formula. Usually people seeking revenge were wronged in some way, but in Dead Clowns, they come back from the dead and attack the town that loved them, and had nothing to do with the accident that killed them! Ha! Not to mention they waited for fifty years before coming back, so I doubt there was anyone left in the town who was around back when they bit it. That will certainly teach them for being the offspring of people who liked clowns!

BTW: Why fifty years? Why not forty-nine-and-two-fifths of a year due to rounding errors?The movie never explains why, and it's *that* kind of unresolved tension that makes independent film what it is today, that is to say, ah... independent.

Without a doubt, Brinke Stevens was the highlight of the movie. She did a fantastic job. Her character also looks remarkably young for someone who is an expert on the clown/train accident that happened fifty years ago, and the town completely forgot. Her description of the incident made it sound like she was actually there when it happened, which would make her...well, at least fifty. Using a young actress to play an older character, but still make her look young sounds like a makeup department's nightmare, but your crew handled the task swimmingly, because she doesn't look a day over thirty.

I couldn't help but notice many long, introspective shots of non-dialog/non-action/non-story, usually with the camera locked on someones face, (a trick you no doubt learned from Peter Jackson's version of 'King Kong') while many might find this annoying and unprofessional, it really shows you how overrated pacing is in the movie media. It was also nice not to have to pause the movie when going to the bathroom, or going to the kitchen to get another Tequila-Whisky-Coke, or going to the garage to replace the serpentine-belt tensioner in my 96 Saturn.

Regarding the songs in your movie, well...Switchblade Symphony was an excellent choice, but the rest of the songs sucked...oh wait a minute! I see you did the score yourself? Well, that explains it then! For future reference, I know of a band called Jagged Spiral who write some fantastic songs for horror movie soundtracks, and they don't involve the use of Every Single Cliche Known To Man. You should check them out if you are allowed...I mean, if you ever make another movie.

The effects were pretty good. The effect of clowns that had been buried underwater for fifty years and came out wearing brand-spanking-new costumes must have been difficult to manage. I'd have also thought them to be wet, after being in the water for fifty years and all, but no doubt your SFX crew must have had one hell of a time making them look clean and dry. Not to mention that for all their running around town and dismembering/skewering/eating people, none of the clowns get a drop of blood on their outfits. Kudos to the clowns for their fine table manners, and to your wardrobe department for keeping their outfits in pristine condition throughout the bloodbath.

Thanks again for the opportunity to review your film. Enclosed please find my invoice payable immediately on receipt. I generally charge by the hour, but in the case of your 95 min movie, you may notice that I've charged for six hours of labor. This may be especially confusing after I explain that I only spent about half an hour actually watching the movie. In your case, I made an exception and charged the amount of time IT SEEMED TO TAKE to watch your movie, even though I mashed the FF button so often during Dead Clowns that the batteries in the remote control died, (hence the extra charge for replacement batteries.)

You may also notice the an additional expense for a replacement DVD player. No, your DVD did not actually break my player, it simply seemed more prudent to burn my DVD player with your disk in it, and bury the ashes in my backyard, than to take the chance that the disk might fall into the hands of others. (The time spent burning/burying is NOT included in the six hours previously mentioned, but there is no charge for that ; I consider it a public service.)

And of course, as you requested, I will keep this review strictly confidential.

Sincerely,
Conrad Zero

Labels: indie movies, movie reviews, Open Letter, Ubersuck