Had you cut out just the quotes from this interview with the front "man" from the "band" Dashboard Confessional, I probably couldn't have guessed who it was; just another self-important putz with nothing of interest to say. (Then again, who wouldn't feel important, being interviewed by Rolling Stone?)

But with the knowledge that it was THE Chris Carrabba, every word he says just puts my glaven in a twist.

Just to make sure I wasn't just being subjective about the whole thing and just blogging my bloody opinions (I mean, like, who would read that?) I wrote a quick music analyzer program and ran Dashboard Confessional's latest work through it.

***********************************
****OBJECTIVE MUSIC ANALYZER*******
********** Ver 0.01 ***************
*
*SCAN TYPE
* [Full]
*
*BAND NAME
* [Dashboard Confessional]
*
*TALENT / ABILITY
* [None]
*
*TALENT / ABILITY RECHECK
* [None Whatsoever]
*
*ORIGINALITY
* [Borderline Genius] Who knew that
* whiny, talentless music was a genre?
* Who would have thought that you could
* continually rhyme the words "I", "Me",
* and "My" over and over and over again?
* While we all knew that every word rhymes
* with itself, no one before had dreamed
* of using that feature to write songs.
* You have definitely pushed the envelope.
*
*ATTITUDE
* [Strong / Narcissistic] It is clear you
* believe yourself to be important, as you are the subject of
* every one of your own songs. Good use of first
* person personal pronouns. Good ability to
* take your boring everday occurances and hurt
* your listeners with them, almost on the same
* level as Bruce Springsteen.
*
*PERFORMANCE
* [Unable to Compute] You have trancended the
* barriers of what people percieve as "good" or "bad"
* You know that things like pitch,
* tempo, rhythm, meter, harmony, key, and melody
* are only limitations imposed by others who
* don't know better, and impediments to your songcraft.
*
*OVERALL
* [Your "Rock" Sucks Rocks] Your music is a fetid
* dogturd stuck to the heel of the music industry.
* It could be used to sanitize bathrooms, or cure cancer,
* since every living thing exposed to it dies a slow
* painful death from the inside out. Probably violates
* the Geneva Convention.
*
***********END OF REPORT************
************************************

There you have it. Objective proof.

Blog on,
-CZ

Labels: anti, Dashboard Confessional Sucks, Emo Sucks, music reviews